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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 08:50

but if guests don't give a fig about the marriage of the couple and are only in it for "the party" then they probably shouldn't attend

Well, nobody said they don’t give “a fig” Hmm about the marriages. I’m sure most people want their friends’ marriages to go well, but how does them attending the wedding affect that? If it’s “all about the marriage” and “not about the party” Sad shame on you entitled guests. Why have guests at all? Or why have “a party” at all? Just have the ceremony 🤷‍♀️.

RottnestFerry · 07/04/2019 08:53

No wedding is special and important, but marriage is - so if family and friends want to be a part of that then brilliant, but if guests don't give a fig about the marriage of the couple and are only in it for "the party" then they probably shouldn't attend. Same goes for the happy couple - if it becomes about the big lavish wedding do then probably take a look at why you're doing it

That doesn't alter the fact that, if you invite guests, you should look after them. That is basic hospitality, not entitlement.

missbatmeg · 07/04/2019 08:56

My partner was asked to be an usher at his friends wedding when the bride kept adding bridesmaids. He wasn't invited to the wedding breakfast and had to go with another group of friends for something to eat. I ended up cancelling my day off and only going to the evening do because I didn't want to be a seat filler at the ceremony! I found it really odd and rude considering he was asked to be part of the wedding.

Sitdownstandup · 07/04/2019 09:04

But if guests don't give a fig about the marriage of the couple and are only in it for "the party" then they probably shouldn't attend.

This is a strawman.

Also, I found the thread I was talking about, link below. Some of the stories are quite something.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3466804-To-think-its-polite-to-not-do-all-of-this-when-planning-a-wedding

Sweetpotatoaddict · 07/04/2019 09:13

As a bride I employed the rule of people who know us well enough would understand the why invites were given and the format the wedding took. Anyone who had the hump probably just shouldn’t attend.
I’ve been to a few weddings with invites like this and it’s lovely to see the actual marriage ceremony then head for a nice meal and then go for the party later. If you know the bride and groom well enough you’ll understand why.

Ca55andraMortmain · 07/04/2019 09:15

If the ceremony is in a church then anyone who wants to go is 'invited'. At our wedding we had full day guests and evening guests but told the evening guests when and where the church service was in case they wanted to go - some people like wedding ceremonies and wanted to be there. Others didn't. We didn't mind either way but wanted epople tomknpw they had the option. We also had a few people who weren't invited to the wedding at all ask us if they could come to the church to see us married (friends of our parents etc). It's not a big deal and certainly nothing to get all angsty about. If you don't want to go to the ceremony you don't need to. For some people it's the most boring bit of the day anyway, where others really like it. If you have a babysitter for the whole day, I'd do what pp suggested and go out for the day to something lovely and then go to the evening reception. It'll be fun if you let it be and stop getting offended over something that in all likelihood was just intended to include you as much as they could in their wedding.

Sitdownstandup · 07/04/2019 09:28

If you know the bride and groom well enough you’ll understand why.

Last time I had one like this, I understood precisely why the bride and groom were doing it. Because they cared more about having a venue they couldn't otherwise afford and lots of people in the photos then they did about actually looking after the guests. A common enough reason for this choice of format. I was glad we already had a holiday booked at the time.

Lweji · 07/04/2019 09:36

Surely, anyone who knows the b&g well enough should be invited to the entire wedding thing (whether it includes a meal or just a party afterwards).

The issue here is not what kind of celebration there is but that some guests are left out of parts of it, while only some are deemed worthy of spending money on.

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 09:39

As a bride I employed the rule of people who know us well enough would understand the why invites were given and the format the wedding took. Anyone who had the hump probably just shouldn’t attend.

I’m sure nobody will have taken the hump, but have you seen how the op’s invitation was worded? Really, look at it! It’s so confusing. People will definitely get the wrong end of the stick, arrange travel, babysitters, by a frock etc and only realise when they get there that they are only evening guests! That is really inconsiderate/ stupid of the b&g no?

You understand that people may not make the same effort for an evening do as they would a whole day wedding, as it’s a shorter event just the evening and you also arrive after people are thinking about leaving, so you feel a bit late to the party. Nobody has to take the hump, but I’m sure you understand why people might make less effort to attend.

I’m planning a christening just now and I know people won’t make that much effort to come as it’s only a short event. I don’t get all shirty and say “oh well if you’re going to be like that, you shouldn’t attend anyway harrumph harrumph”. It’s called being gracious and considering your guests a bit.

And they will be well fed and watered when they get here btw.

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 09:43

*buy a frock! Ffs. Not with it this morning.

RottnestFerry · 07/04/2019 09:44

If the ceremony is in a church then anyone who wants to go is 'invited'

It's not just a wedding in a church, it's a wedding anywhere...

Marriages must be solemnized in premises with open doors, which the Registrar general interprets to mean that the public must have unfettered access to witness the marriage and make objections prior to or during the ceremony

TigerTooth · 07/04/2019 09:45

Pay the babysitter, skip the ceremony and go and have a nice treat day for the two of you and a party in the evening.

Sitdownstandup · 07/04/2019 10:04

Yeah exactly star, with this particular invitation wording, never mind being close to the couple, you'd have to be nigh on psychic! Honestly, if couples are going to invite guests to bits of the day only, they have to be very clear about which bits. This invitation is a bad idea, even leaving aside the etiquette questions and looking solely at practicality.

BenjiB · 07/04/2019 10:05

We did our wedding smaller so we could invite everyone for the meal. There were a few extras in the evening but not many.

Langrish · 07/04/2019 10:09

It’s odd to be invited to the ceremony but not the wb afterwards. We had a very modest ceremony but two “sets” of guests: ceremony, wb and evening then more distant friends and relatives invited for the evening only.
How important is it to you to be at the actual ceremony? I’d be inclined to duck out of that (if it’s large you probably won’t even be missed) then just go along in the evening.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 07/04/2019 10:19

The biggest problem here is that the bride and groom haven't made it clear to guests that they aren't invited to the daytime reception, and have a 5 hour hiatus.

It's unusual to send invitations for the ceremony and evening do without including the bit in between, so if they are doing this they need to make it very clear to guests.

Otherwise guests will be disappointed when they realise after the church ceremony, and maybe some awkward moments when they try to get into the reception.....

The invitation the op received did not make this clear.

I think most people wouldn't attend this type of wedding unless they are very local, they would either just attend the evening do or decline the whole day.

ShiftyLookingBadger · 07/04/2019 12:12

This is so rude. I'd biff it off, or just do one or the other.

SurreyisSunny · 07/04/2019 12:34

Unfortunately the cost of weddings leads to this. It’s often an “easy” way to cut costs. At £100+ per guest i do understand.

Why not take advantage of a child free day and explore the local area or book yourself a nice lunch

MadameAnchou · 07/04/2019 12:47

Why not take advantage of a child free day and explore the local area or book yourself a nice lunch

Because a) they may not be able to afford yet another meal c) don't see it as a favour to be told to fuck off to 'explore the local area' d) the OP is pregnant and might not be up to being on her feet for hours and hours in between.

I agree, however, take advantage of it to have a lovely meal locally with your DH (I can guarantee it'll probably taste better than any identikit wedding meal) and skip the rude wedding.

soulrunner · 07/04/2019 13:25

The issue is less the arrangements than the lack of clarity around them. If you know the B&G well I would politely tell them that it’s not at all clear and that most people will be expecting the reception to follow on directly.

Sitdownstandup · 07/04/2019 18:20

Because a) they may not be able to afford yet another meal c) don't see it as a favour to be told to fuck off to 'explore the local area' d) the OP is pregnant and might not be up to being on her feet for hours and hours in between.

Yes, this keeps being said, but it's 5 hours to kill in a place OP has no interest in visiting, and she's up the duff. A nice lunch will kill two of those. She can't exactly go on the piss. What would realistically happen is sitting around in the hotel room, which can be done more comfortably at home.

DippyAvocado · 07/04/2019 18:36

Why not take advantage of a child free day and explore the local area or book yourself a nice lunch

Nice if the wedding is in Bath. Less tempting if it's in Slough apologies to MNers of Slough.

MadameAnchou · 07/04/2019 19:21

Yes, this keeps being said, but it's 5 hours to kill in a place OP has no interest in visiting, and she's up the duff. A nice lunch will kill two of those. She can't exactly go on the piss. What would realistically happen is sitting around in the hotel room, which can be done more comfortably at home.

My point exactly! It's not doing someone a favour telling them to bugger off for 5 hours in some place they may have no interest in and as the OP is pregnant far better to just decline and do something nice at home, cheaper for them, too.

floribunda18 · 08/04/2019 06:35

Unfortunately the cost of weddings leads to this. It’s often an “easy” way to cut costs. At £100+ per guest i do understand.

I don't understand. If you have everyone in the church then a buffet and drinks in the pub, it isn't going to be £100 a head. Do what you can afford, not what you think you can afford and then oops- not quite, let's piss off half the guests.

SpanishFly · 08/04/2019 09:39

This has baffled me, is this a regional thing? In Scotland I've never ever heard of this.
And having seen the OP's post which clarifies the wording, that's exactly how an all-day invite would be worded here too - you are invited to wedding at xxx followed by evening reception - meaning you're also invited to the meal in between