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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:

WhatAreYouSaying · 07/04/2019 06:43

I suspect the main reason people choose to invite to the evening only is because of cost.

Or maybe the amount of seats in the lovely venue they want to go to? Not every nice establishment sits hundreds even if you'd be prepared to that that much.

The wedding breakfast is more intimate than that. Not only would work colleagues probably not want to sit through all my family and friends' speeches, I'm not so sure many brides would want the whole world hearing their father of the bride anecdotes or seeing their uncle getting overly pissed because that's what he does to cope with every family function!

Teacher22 · 07/04/2019 06:47

We were invited to the wedding of an old friend and our grown up children were only invited to the evening part until nearer relatives dropped out at the last moment and the kids’ invitation was extended to all day.

Given the cost per head for the B and G we were relaxed about this. I think the DS would not have gone to the evening event and the DD would.

I would advise doing whatever suits you and not getting too upset about it. If you have an irrevocable babysitter have a nice day doing what you want and then go to the evening event.

RottnestFerry · 07/04/2019 06:53

Or maybe the amount of seats in the lovely venue they want to go to? Not every nice establishment sits hundreds even if you'd be prepared to that that much

True. I suppose I was assuming that, if you had the money, you would just find somewhere bigger. That said, my wife was set on using a specific church and venue for the reception.

PlatypusLeague · 07/04/2019 07:11

I would just go to the ceremony to see them get married.

Fallingrain · 07/04/2019 07:26

@yikesanotherbooboo. Why should they “think of their guests”. Your wedding is probably the only day that I’d say, sod it. Do what you want to do and have the wedding you want and can afford. If I’m invited to a wedding, if it’s not what I would have done it chosen then I just get on with it. Precisely because it’s not my day.

RottnestFerry · 07/04/2019 07:33

Why should they “think of their guests”. Your wedding is probably the only day that I’d say, sod it. Do what you want to do and have the wedding you want and can afford. If I’m invited to a wedding, if it’s not what I would have done it chosen then I just get on with it. Precisely because it’s not my day

I never understand this kind of attitude. It could explain why I have been to some lousy weddings. Of course you think of your guests!

Alsohuman · 07/04/2019 07:37

The clue's in the word "guest", you look after a guest, make sure they're comfortable, fed and feel looked after. Otherwise they're just extras on your film set.

NewAccount270219 · 07/04/2019 07:38

I find the posts suggesting that OP sees this as a lovely opportunity and a big favour - 'you get to get dressed up and see a new town and pay for a lovely lunch with your DH' a bit bizarre - they could have paid for a babysitter and done their own thing at any time, without being in wedding clothes and having the place and timings decided for them. It's not some magical opportunity to have to kill five hours in a place.

Ellenborough · 07/04/2019 07:44

You don't have to think of your guests. But then you can't really complain if half of them look at what's on offer and think:

'So I get to spend out on a new outfit/babysitter/travel expenses/ a stag and hen do/wedding present to be left sitting in MacDonalds at the motorway services for four hours in a fucking fascinator and uncomfortable shoes, waiting for the A listers to have their three course champagne lunch to the strains of a string quartet knocking out Vivaldi's Four Seasons. Then I can return when summoned and be given cheese and pineapple on a stick? Fuck that. No thanks.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/04/2019 07:52

If you can't afford to feed your guests then don't get married is my opinion on that!

Utter bollocks. For a lot of people (myself included) it's the MARRIAGE that's important, not the WEDDING. If all you go to a wedding for is free food and drink then in all honesty, I'd rather you didn't bother coming to mine.

I didn't have a wedding breakfast at all - I got married mid afternoon (guests could have lunch at home before they came) followed by a buffet and knees up in the local rugby club.

A friend of mine only invited immediate family (about 15/20 people) to their wedding breakfast after the ceremony so while rest of us went to church we didn't bother getting "dressed up" - we all went in jeans/smart tops and after the ceremony went home and got our glad rags on for the evening do.

It depends what part of a couples special day you're in it for - to support them in their marriage or to for the food and wine (clue, ones more important than the other).

Damntheman · 07/04/2019 07:55

I don't think evening invitations are insulting at all. It is what is and hurray you don't have to listen to the hours long speeches that are deathly dull!

OP I'd not go to the ceremony, take your babysitting day to have a lie in, chill with your DH, catch a matinee film? Have a date day! Then go to the evening party and have a wonderful time.

origamiunicorn · 07/04/2019 08:03

Sounds like an evening invite but the ceremony is always open to anyone in the public isn't it? I'm sure anyone can attend a wedding ceremony, invited or not? Maybe that's what they mean?

RottnestFerry · 07/04/2019 08:05

If all you go to a wedding for is free food and drink then in all honesty, I'd rather you didn't bother coming to mine

By the time you have paid for transport and accommodation, plus all the other associated expenses, the food and drink is hardly "free".

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 08:06

Sounds like an evening invite but the ceremony is always open to anyone in the public isn't it? I'm sure anyone can attend a wedding ceremony, invited or not? Maybe that's what they mean?

I think that is what they mean, but did you see how they worded it? It’s up thread^^. So confusing. I think a good few people will be turning up for the whole thing and being turned away .

Ellenborough · 07/04/2019 08:08

Evening invitations in themselves are fine. But to expect the B list people to come to the ceremony then entertain themselves for 4 or 5 hours between that and the evening party while the A listers have a lovely day is just crass, entitled and rude. I don't care what budgetary restraints you have.

If you can't afford the wedding you want for everyone, either have a different sort of wedding or have a smaller guest list. Or just invite people to the evening alone. They'll either come or not come.

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 08:08

If all you go to a wedding for is free food and drink then in all honesty, I'd rather you didn't bother coming to mine

I think it’s more that weddings can be such a pain in the bum for guests that you have to repay them somehow. That’s how I felt about my wedding at least. You’re removing their choice of what to do and where to go on their day / night out. Maybe they don’t like your taste in music and wouldn’t pay to come to your type of party in other circumstances. That’s the ‘rules’ in my book; the b&g get to pick everything, but they also pay for it. Otherwise it’s just a night out and who wants to go on a night out where they don’t get to choose what to do?

RoseMartha · 07/04/2019 08:11

It is normal where I live for close friends and family to be invited to everything. But other friends and work friends/colleagues etc to be invited to evening only with the option of going to ceremony if they wish.

Sitdownstandup · 07/04/2019 08:14

The trope about it only being about the couple ceases to apply when you invite guests. If it really only is about the marriage not the wedding, then you wont be wanting or needing any loved ones there. If despite your feeling that it's all about the two of you, you do invite people to help give you the celebration you want, like it or not you need to give some consideration to them or risk consequences. There's a good thread on here about what happens when 'your day your rules' meets 'invite not summons'. I'll try and find it.

Now it may well be that even if you place your guests welfare at the bottom of the priority list, you still manage to come up with something that's convenient for them, in which case happy days. But if you pull stunts like OPs pals, the chances of that are lower.

BitOfFun · 07/04/2019 08:24

We got married last month, and didn't do formal invitations- just put the word out to let people know when and where the ceremony was, and that the party afterwards was at X place (a two minute walk away). We had a late afternoon ceremony, and provided a banging buffet and live band, which nobody had to arrange taxis to find. It worked really well, and completely avoided the dilemma of A- and B-list guests: anybody who wanted to come was welcome, and because there was no formal sit-down meal, we didn't have to stress about having exact numbers.

SelkieRinnNaMara · 07/04/2019 08:25

Id go to the ceremony and then go home. No alcohol no driving at night.simpler.

Lweji · 07/04/2019 08:32

If all you go to a wedding for is free food and drink then in all honesty, I'd rather you didn't bother coming to mine

Because you and you're wedding are so special and unmissable?
I'm very pleased and grateful that anyone took the trouble to attend my wedding and I was quite happy to have them there.
I can't imagine treating guests like discardable features to summon or send away at my pleasure.

And it's hardly free food and drink considering the expense people have just to attend a wedding.

helenwatermelon · 07/04/2019 08:36

The reason it's called the wedding "breakfast" is because historicaly all weddings used to take place earlier in the day, in the morning, and there was always a mass, a religious ceremony at the wedding. Until sometime in the 20th century people always fasted before mass, they didn't "break their fast" till afterwards. When I was little this rule had been relaxed to "eat nothing for an hour before communion" but you don't hear it now. So "the Wedding Breakfast" is the traditional name for the meal after the religious ceremony.

Lweji · 07/04/2019 08:40

Whilst uncommon in the UK these types of invites are normal on the continent.

Which continent?
Because I was born and live in one country in Europe and it's NOT the done thing.
So, maybe one country you know of. The diversity between and within most countries in "the continent" is at least as great as between any of them and the UK.

Kisskiss · 07/04/2019 08:42

@lweji think you hit the nail on the head.

Guests are your friends/family- hopefully they are people you like. Not props for your photos /wedding so treat them nicely!

FrangipaniBlue · 07/04/2019 08:46

Peoples attitudes on this thread to marriage and the celebration that goes with that saddens me.

No wedding is special and important, but marriage is - so if family and friends want to be a part of that then brilliant, but if guests don't give a fig about the marriage of the couple and are only in it for "the party" then they probably shouldn't attend. Same goes for the happy couple - if it becomes about the big lavish wedding do then probably take a look at why you're doing it.

There are a lot of entitled brides, grooms and guests out there apparently

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