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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 18:37

Calling a meal 'breakfast' when it's not is yet another backwards, ridiculous thing about British weddings, along with two-tiered guest list and OTT hen/stag do's.

Boysey45 · 06/04/2019 18:38

I probably wouldn't go but if I did I'd just do either the ceremony or the evening do and just give a card with a tenner in. No way would I give a large cash gift to someone who could be arsed inviting me to the meal.

MoronsandNeurons · 06/04/2019 18:39

Why does everyone think this sort of invite is rude?
What if you know a lot of people?
We did this and many said it was the nicest wedding they’d been to. We had a buffet & drinks for evening guests too.
I’ve also been invited to these weddings. One I was working and didn’t feel obliged to book the day off so just attended in the evening and had a great time.
One is coming up and it’s a long way away. Inbetween we are going for a meal just my husband, staying in a nearby hotel overnight & I and I’m really looking forward to it! If you don’t want to go, don’t. But it’s basically an evening party with more meaning. And who doesn’t like a party?

SmarmyMrMime · 06/04/2019 18:40

For local people (neighbours and colleagues beyond DH's immediate department), we did evening invitations. It was stated on the bottom that they were welcome to join us at the church if they wished. It is a public ceremony, we had the capacity and it may have suited some people more than the evening. Some church regulars knowing our wedding from the banns came anyway because they felt we were part of their community. Some invited did choose the ceremony over the evening. It was already a large wedding of family and friends at the venue's dining capacity with little choice on that scale already. There is a culture of open evening invitations at DH's workplace, and no one invited on that basis would have had a reasonable expectation of a full invitation.

I wouldn't expect anyone to travel beyond the local area without being fully included in the day, and the wording is important. Clearly worded as an an evening with opportunity to come to ceremony, fine. "Wedding" of ceremony and evening but ommitting the middle, potentially misleading and not fine.

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 18:41

But why is it necessary to even stick to this tired old formula of having to have this boring sit-down meal (that is NOT breakfast) and then an evening do in order to 'properly party', especially when you cannot afford it? Why not think outside the box and you know, do something else if you cannot afford it without rude invitations like this?

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 18:42

We did this and many said it was the nicest wedding they’d been to.

Yes, according to MN, every single person has had the nicest wedding anyone's been to. That's because people are saying it to be polite.

ss2011 · 06/04/2019 18:43

I had an invite like this once but we lived really close by so could go home. I think it’s perfectly normal to invite people just to the evening do....inviting people to first bit and end bit is a bit odd I think but maybe they are only expecting you to go for the evening but genuinely wanted you to feel you were welcome to see them get married too. Weddings are expensive ...with the breakfast being the most expensive bit often so I would not judge them too harshly but do what suits you best. Personally , if I had already booked a sitter, I would spend the day somewhere with my hubby and then just go for the evening.....

Tealtights · 06/04/2019 18:44

I understand ceremony/wedding breakfast and evening do being separate if you have so many up invite but I'd be frustrated to not be invited to the breakfast if invited to everything else. First of all it's a pain in the arse, secondly it's egotistical "oh come see us get married, see my dress, be in our photos, but I don't want to pay for your dinner so please hang around and come back in the evening to make us feel important again with lots of people watching us dance!"

I've never known a wedding where people were invited in this way, either invite them to the ceremony and wedding breakfast, or just leave it as an evening invite. How bizarre.

Ellapaella · 06/04/2019 18:47

I think it's fine to invite some people just to the evening do but if you invite them to the ceremony I think it's rude not to also include them in the wedding breakfast.
I've never been invited to a wedding like this.
If you are on a budget then the best thing to do is to have a very small personal ceremony with immediate family and a couple of close friends only and then just have an evening do for everyone else to come and celebrate with you.

MillyMollyMandie · 06/04/2019 18:57

I think it's fine to invite some people just to the evening do but if you invite them to the ceremony I think it's rude not to also include them in the wedding breakfast

In a nutshell.

Yb23487643 · 06/04/2019 19:13

It is rude cos what are you supposed to do for 5hrs? They should invite either to the wedding + wedding breakfast or the evening do. Or have wedding later & just a big evening do rather than providing wedding breakfast for some not others. Only had 1 wedding like this & got tired in the time between wedding finishing & waiting for the do so went home lol! Is s bit anticlimactic waiting around for ages before the evening do. Wouldn’t have been so bad if just went to evening do, or just the wedding

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 19:17

Oh, Yb, they're supposed to see it as this wonderful gift and opportunity to pay for another meal out and 'sightsee in a new place' before turning up in the evening in the hopes the main event will be finished so they can buy their own drinks and maybe get a bacon roll. And hand over the gift.

pollymere · 06/04/2019 19:35

We only had twenty at the formal meal and several hundred at the evening one with free food and drink. All were invited to the church. Everyone went out for a meal together in the afternoon apparently. It was the only way we could afford it and people were fine about it.

Tessabelle74 · 06/04/2019 19:42

Wow! I would be using the babysitter to do something lovely with my husband! We had a limited budget for our wedding so we just invited those we could afford to have with us all day, no way I'd have expected people to come to the ceremony then entertain themselves until the evening do. I'm baffled as to why they didn't just do evening invites

OCTOBER8 · 06/04/2019 19:47

When i got married my aunt and family came to the church and meal then left. They didn't even buy us a card or present.😃

TORDEVAN · 06/04/2019 20:30

I think it's fine to invite some people just to the evening do but if you invite them to the ceremony I think it's rude not to also include them in the wedding breakfast

I think it depends on the invite wording. I was able to invite many more people to the evening of my wedding (afternoon meal was family only at £65 per person, evening was approx £10 per person). I don't remember the exact wording but the invite was for the evening party, and mentioned that we would love for them to attend the ceremony if they could/wanted to.
I'd have loved to have been able to have all my friends as well as family at the meal, but it just wasn't viable without ramping up the cost of the wedding excessively. None of my friends seemed put out by this and most turned up to the ceremony as well. (All friends were local though).

dadwhostaysathome · 06/04/2019 20:50

Give yourself a tight budget for your wedding. You want to invite all those you care about. You can’t afford everyone. This is upsetting but hey you don’t have the same income as others. Do you think someone complaining about not getting a free breakfast seems fair? Over to you....

Loopytiles · 06/04/2019 20:52

You could skip the ceremony, do something nice with DH (eg long lunch) then go to the evening do.

IDrinkAndISewThings · 06/04/2019 21:23

@Pinkprincess1978 we were much the same as you! I loathe the hanging around between the ceremony and the reception at weddings when the bride and groom disappear for photos, so when we got married we did photos first, wedding at 5pm and straight into food and dancing! All in my village hall, everyone there the whole time and no killing time in the middle. Like you, regularly hear it talked about as a grand decision (smugness)

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 21:28

Do you think someone complaining about not getting a free breakfast seems fair? Over to you....

But there's no need for this fucking 'breakfast', which is not bloody breakfast. You can do other stuff besides the samey same ol' tired identikit ceremony/people wait round whilst photos are done/sit down meal with boring speeches no one listens to/disco evening do with expensive cash bar and scanty food.

There are other options to suit the budget.

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 21:29

That's how it's usually done in the US, IDrink. The wedding is later and some of the photos are taken before the ceremony and then it's just all one party.

Ginismyfavouritefoodgroup · 06/04/2019 21:29

We’d never heard of this type of invite until we were turned away by the bride at the receiving line Blush
We’d travelled all day to be there, and booked a hotel for the night. Once the embarrassment died down, I was fuming!

Fraula · 06/04/2019 21:32

Ginismyfavouritefoodgroup that's awful!

MadameAnchou · 06/04/2019 21:33

Wow, Gin, had you handed over the gift? I think I'd not have gone back for the evening and certainly not handed over a gift.

YouBoggleMyMind · 06/04/2019 21:37

I had this at a wedding a couple of years ago. We were able to come and watch the ceremony at the church but we're only invited to the evening reception. We didn't go to the ceremony but did go to the evening reception. It would have looked odd and been embarrassing to come to the ceremony and the left when a lot of our friends were there for the whole thing...