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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Invited to ceremony and evening reception but not wedding breakfast

523 replies

jonathanvanness · 05/04/2019 10:29

More than happy to be told I am BU.

DH and I are invited to a wedding on the weekend and upon first reading the invite, thought that we were invited to the whole day but we have just had it confirmed that although we are invited to the ceremony, we aren't invited to the wedding breakfast. So essentially we will be in a town we don't know in our glad rags with bugger all to do for over 5 hours. We do not live close by so going home is not an option and we have already booked for a babysitter for the whole day.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sakura7 · 05/04/2019 10:40

What's a wedding breakfast? Any wedding I've ever been to has a ceremony around 1-2pm, followed by a reception including an evening meal. Assuming the breakfast is before the ceremony, I don't see the issue.

MRex · 05/04/2019 10:41

I wouldn't bother with the ceremony unless you particularly want to, just enjoy the town and lunch then go to the evening do. Otherwise it just messes up your chance to enjoy the day in the town.

Chocolateisfab · 05/04/2019 10:41

Maybe find out if others are in the same situation? Have your own get together!!

howwilliknoww · 05/04/2019 10:42

I think it is cheeky, what do they expect you to do for the spare 5 hours. Personally I would just go for the evening bit or not go at all

Awrite · 05/04/2019 10:42

Sakura - the breakfast is the meal part of the reception. You know - speeches, food etc. The expensive part. After the wedding ceremony.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/04/2019 10:44

If you can't afford to feed your guests then don't get married is my opinion on that!

Is it regional ?

Down here - as I said up thread - the ceremony is a courtesy, its advisory, no one expects you to go to that then have to kill 5 or 6 hours. You are only expected to turn up to the evening. - but there would be a massive buffet for evening guests.

If its good enough for the Royals and they are the epitome of good etiquette, then it's good enough for MN.

In seriousness, the church I got married in was small, perhaps seating 200 people, but we had over 700 guests invited, of which we had over 400 turn up - where exactly would you have expected the church to accomodate them?

livefornaps · 05/04/2019 10:45

I would go to the ceremony, hoof it off somewhere fancy for lunch, get pissed, return to wedding, storm the dancefloor, hoover up the evening buffet, and then leave for the hotel, taking a waiter with me. No gift or shits given. Bada-bing bada-boon

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 05/04/2019 10:46

Perfectly normal. I don't know why people make a masive issue of this. It's been a thing for as long as I can rememebr, and Im ancient.

It's perfectly normal for some to be invited to the whole day i.e service and reception, followed by evening do. It's perfectly normal for some not to be invited to the wedding itself, only the evening do.
It is not normal to invite someone to get dressed up to attend the wedding service, but not go to the reception afterwards. are they expected to fuck off before, or after, the photos?

NewAccount270219 · 05/04/2019 10:46

I also think this kind of invitation is shit and rude. We got one like this for the first wedding I'd ever been to as an adult so thought at the time it was maybe more normal than it is - I now would just decline it. I don't love evening only invites personally (though saying that on MN gets people very cross - I have previously been told that I must be a narcissist who thinks I'm everyone's best friend), but they're quite standard and normal and accepted. This sort of split day is just so weird and inconvenient for guests.

YouBumder · 05/04/2019 10:46

Having evening guests is a thing but inviting people to the ceremony and then expecting them to bugger off and hang around somewhere in wedding finery for a few hours is weird.

Mrsjayy · 05/04/2019 10:47

Go out have a meal with your husband couple of drinks and go back in the evenong OR don't go have a day evening out with your husband pay the babysitter. The invite is what it is it isn't the B&G fault you didn't read it properly and got giddy and booked a babysitter

ParkaPerson · 05/04/2019 10:47

Sakura7 the wedding breakfast is the meal after the ceremony. Usually late afternoon/ early evening depending on the time of the ceremony.
I think it's called breakfast as it's their first meal as a married couple.

OP I hate this kind of invite when you're coming from afar - maybe OK in a village church wedding - as in you let everyone know when the ceremony is and anyone can attend - then evening / full day invites. To expect you to travel then hang around all day is thoughtless.

I'd use the babysitting for a nice day out then head to just the evening bit of the reception. You wouldn't be expected to be quite as dressed up for that either, usually.

Merryoldgoat · 05/04/2019 10:47

@PlainSpeakingStraightTalking

You had 700 wedding guests?

Ellenborough · 05/04/2019 10:48

It's a rude and thoughtless way to issue an invitation - especially for people who are unable to go home in between.

It smacks of 'we want loads of people at the ceremony so it looks like we have loads of friends and a big lavish wedding but we can't afford/or don't want to pay to feed them all.

I'd decline the ceremony part and just go to the evening.

Honeyroar · 05/04/2019 10:48

I'd skip the ceremony personally and just go to the evening reception. I have no problem with just being invited to just the evening do (I find the ceremony and photos - even the meal and speeches sometimes) quite boring anyway. The evening is the fun bit usually. However I think it's really rude to expect someone to hang around inbetween a ceremony and evening do.

Hopefully it's a nice town and you can have a nice day together beforehand.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/04/2019 10:48

@ AllPizzasGreatAndSmall - its does help if you manage to quote in context - here you go - you seem to have managed to stop reading after one line, let me help you

the ceremony is a courtesy, its advisory, no one expects you to go to that then have to kill 5 or 6 hours. You are only expected to turn up to the evening

IHateUncleJamie · 05/04/2019 10:48

I’d either just go for the ceremony or the evening. Certainly wouldn’t sit in a pub for 5 hours in between.

We did have just evening guests but it was 20 yrs ago and they were local; colleagues and acquaintances for a buffet and disco

If we’d been a long distance from home I wouldn’t have expected anyone to come unless they were invited to the whole do.

mummymeister · 05/04/2019 10:49

The problem is that people want "the perfect day" and think this can only be achieved by spending house deposit sized sums on venues drink etc. they become focussed on the trappings of the wedding - what the cake looks like, the favours, the table decs, the sweet cart, the doughnut rings etc and have forgotten that weddings are actually about 2 people making a declaration in front of the family and friends that matter to them. The couple clearly want a full church/venue but aren't prepared to feed those people who bother to go along.

In all honesty I would be declining this and explain why (politely) when I rsvp - ed.

You can then plan to do something else with the time that you have booked for the babysitter. This sounds just like the sort of "showy" wedding that I cant stand.

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 05/04/2019 10:49

@merry - no 400 odd turned up, the other 300 were overseas, and we hoped knew they would be no shows

NewAccount270219 · 05/04/2019 10:49

I think a lot of people on this thread think this is a standard evening invitation, which it isn't. Also, I suspect at least some of them don't know that the 'wedding breakfast' is 'the meal'.

How could it ever be ok to hold a party where you tell some of the guests to fuck off and then come back later halfway through?!

Pootles34 · 05/04/2019 10:49

It's a bit wierd - I wouldn't do it personally, but honestly, MN mantra is correct - it's an invite not a summons. Either say no to whole thing, or just ceremony, or go off and do something else in between!

Have to say I quite like evening only invites - that's the best bit! Buffet is better than stiff formal meal, miss boring speeches and boring ceremony. Less free alcohol I suppose...

GreenEggsHamandChips · 05/04/2019 10:50

This was normal in our family. Small wedding breakfast , huge evening, Evening invites always had we'd love to see you at the church too. Invite not a summons. Just allowed a larger number if people to be invited.

Its only on MN ibe heard it described as rude

outpinked · 05/04/2019 10:50

I’d skip the ceremony and explain why. I’m sure you won’t be the only couple in this position. Either invite people to all of it or only to the reception.

Livpool · 05/04/2019 10:50

Surely invites are all day or just the evening.

It seems rude and mean to expect people to just come to 2 out of 3 elements

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/04/2019 10:50

Basically it’s an evening invite but you can go to the ceremony if you like (presumably a church so lots of space to fill). I think this used to be more common than it is now when loads of people used to go to the ceremony.

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