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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son shown his willy during lesson

349 replies

Harryy · 04/04/2019 18:42

Today after school the teacher has told me that my 5 year old son had pulled down his pants and showed his willy to the class during PE and tomorrow he will be missing out on his morning break time surely this behaviour should be dealt with on the day it happens? (PE was the last lesson)

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 04/04/2019 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 04/04/2019 22:06

I wish you’d said at the beginning about him being just out of nappies, Harryy. The responses would have been kinder. Well, from most people...

PortiaCastis · 04/04/2019 22:11

I'm thinking that CallmeKaren was on a thread about child discipline the other night using a different name but still coming out with arsehole comments

Pieceofpurplesky · 04/04/2019 22:14

A lot depends on the context the OP stated that he was showing his penis to the class. If he was standing on a table shouting about it the punishment is more about the disruption than the flash.

It may be more about his behaviour than his flashing!

Schuyler · 04/04/2019 22:19

5 year olds do not “flash”, we shouldn’t be ascribing adult intentions into young children, particularly ones with additional needs.

Harryy I do agree with you that the punishment is not necessary. I’ve worked with children, albeit preschool age and this isn’t abnormal, let alone for a child with additional needs. A quiet discussion about bodies and privacy is all that needs to be had. Please don’t stress about what he did especially as he’s only recently been toilet trained.

grincheux · 04/04/2019 22:35

Surely this behaviour should be dealt with on the day this happens

That's puppies, dear. Your son should know at 5 that his bits should remain firmly in his pants.

patiently awaits the resulting AIBUs from horrified parents whose children witnessed aforementioned willy display

MsRabbitRocks · 04/04/2019 22:41

I wish you’d said at the beginning about him being just out of nappies, Harryy. The responses would have been kinder. Well, from most people...

Lots of drip feeds from the OP that should have been included in the opening post. Would have had very different responses from the outset.

Lolwhat · 04/04/2019 22:43

They’re not dogs, of course he’ll remember

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/04/2019 22:44

@grincheux Have you RTFT? A child with SEN. Fucksake.

Original poster
Harryy · 04/04/2019 22:47

I wish you’d said at the beginning about him being just out of nappies, Harryy. The responses would have been kinder. Well, from most people...

Sorry just had to so much negativity with him still being in nappies at 5 years old I'm just trying to not bring it up

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 04/04/2019 22:48

@MsRabbitRocks No, the OP stated quite clearly that he didn't want responses to be geared towards other issues. He has a newly diagnosed child...that might have been useful. Regardless, ANYBODY posting about a five year old child should be treated with kindness and respect, irrespective of SEN. I've been on MN for a long time and I really resent this drip feed shit. People post, they might just do that and then add stuff on. There is a big difference between deliberate drip feeding (ie : I love this man and he treats me badly, but then revealing he's married with 10 kids) and people who are trying to find a way under difficult circumstances.

MsRabbitRocks · 04/04/2019 22:52

Disagree TheFormidableMrsC. The OP did state that yes but it is very relevant to the situation in context and only right that it is dealt with in relation to him specifically and therefore, the responses should be different and appropriate to his needs. So, the OP does not need to hear what is suitable for an NT child, as that is of not help. The OP’s DS deserves better.

CheshireChat · 04/04/2019 22:53

I think if your little boy is just out of nappies and the worst thing he's done is this, you're doing pretty damn well.

grincheux · 04/04/2019 22:59

@TheFormidableMrsC - I have, which is also how I read the OP say her son knows he shouldn't have done it. HTH, no need to be rude.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/04/2019 23:09

@grincheux I was not being rude at all. The OP didn't equate his son's SEN with the related behaviour until revealing exactly that. A child who was only diagnosed a week ago. I apologise if I have been offensive, it was not intended, but as a parent who has gone through the same situation with a SEN child, it's something I feel very strongly about and I feel utterly deflated, angry and insulted by some of the ignorant and indeed vile comments on this thread. I do no include you in that. It's a horrendous situation to be in, dealing with a possible conceived safguarding issue, other parents who are quite rightly concerned. I've walked a horrible mile with this and thus feel that I should be supportive of the OP and his newly diagnosed and "only just" potty trained DS.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/04/2019 23:16

@MsRabbitRocks...I agree with you entirely, my issue was with drip feeding. Very few deliberately drip feed, rather withhold information to seek an honest viewpoint, when actually, providing the whole scenario would be more useful but not within everybody's remit at that time...what I hate is the jumping onto perceived "drip feeding" when actually the entire conversation and (rude) insults on the thread could have been avoided by putting all the information in the OP...but not everybody remembers everything and often stories unfold. This situation being a case in point as now the OP has a much better reference in terms of support. No offence intended towards you.

grincheux · 04/04/2019 23:19

@TheFormidableMrsC - I'm sorry you've had a rough ride through a similar situation. Having supported an adult with learning difficulties through something similar, I appreciate the safeguarding arguments from both sides. This sounds like a one-off and missing break time, along with some clear expectations and explanations as to why we don't get our bits out will hopefully be all it needs. I agree there's been some scaremongering here, the talk of the sex offenders register is perhaps getting a little ahead of things...

RomanyQueen1 · 04/04/2019 23:23

I must live in a parallel universe.

Kids at my school and friends from others showed their willies and girls, their knickers, at this age, I'm early 50's.

Exactly the same with all 3 of our children, and lots of other kids and parents.
Didn't you all either participate in or know of "You show me yours etc.

So kids don't understand that it's wrong or not acceptable until they are told. Their private parts are private, not naughty.
I

grincheux · 04/04/2019 23:34

@RomanyQueen1, I remember getting changed for PE in reception (we'd all get changed together in the classroom... a rather long time ago) and one of the boys had forgotten to put his pants on that morning. We all found this hilarious, as did he as he stood with his willy out the the middle of the class. It got nothing more than an eyeroll from the teacher and was all totally innocent. I guess the difference now is this shift in the way society thinks, an inherent paranoia, and more awareness of safeguarding which has unfortunately resulted in this sort of innocent scenario being blown out of proportion by some other childrens' parents maybe being a little precious.

anarchyhouse · 04/04/2019 23:34

Why can't children show each other their penis and vulva? Don't they become naturally shy about doing it at a certain age and additionally learn more about societal constraints and stop doing it anyway? Why is it treat as 'naughty'? At what age should a child be told it is wrong if they are still doing it? This is quite an interesting subject with a vast array of opinions!

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/04/2019 23:36

@grincheaux The thing is, it's not just a talk and telling him not to do it. I had 3 years of this, from 5 til 7. I had people questioning me on what I was "exposing my son to"...I am a lone parent, with an adult DD who lives away, have never exposed my DS to anybody in terms of relationships, nobody has been in my house, there have been no influences at all that could have made him display the behaviour he did which subsquently became overtly sexual. There is NO explanation aside from his brain. No end of telling him what he should and shouldn't do helped aside from persistence, repeated social stories, a fabulous Senco and the school wide support in terms of the "pants" campaign. It was horrendous. Yet you still get people like "Karen" on here saying ignorant and dangerous things and as a parent it's frightening! My son is 8, I am 50, I have a perfectly functioning, high achieving 21 year old, yet here I am juggling my ASD son displaying behaviour of an abused child. It's devastating. Hence, I have found some of the comments on this thread distressing beyond measure.

DonaldTwain · 05/04/2019 00:16

Callmekaren is the most horrible person I have ever come across on this site. I hope she is banned. Just foul,

musicposy · 05/04/2019 00:21

OP, ignore the idiots, there's nothing wrong with your parenting. Anyone who thinks this doesn't happen fairly often with 5 year olds is clearly not a teacher and isn't used to whole classes of infants!

Back to your original question, I don't really think punishment tomorrow is appropriate. It makes it into too big a deal for the age he is and it's too delayed. Yes, it's appropriate to discourage, but that's enough for a one off incident by a 5 year old.

BlackeyedGruesome · 05/04/2019 00:36

Punishment tomorrow for an autistic child, not appropriate. They need it to be immediate. Also they are operating at 2/3 chronological age at a rough estimate, so about age 3.

Not unusual for autistic children to take everything off for PE when getting changed either.

I would not say it is common for boys to get a willy out in reception but not unheard of either. Depends on the circumstances as to what punishment.

Zoflorabore · 05/04/2019 02:35

I posted early on in the thread about the little boy in dd's class who occasionally does this. He's in year 3 but still 7.

Karen- I'm glad that a group of 30 children only aged 7/8 have more empathy and understanding of autism and indeed any other SN's. There are several children in the class with ASD and/or SN.

It's telling that these relatively young people
look out for each other, support those class mates who need a bit of help and who don't make them feel like they're different.

My eldest is 16 and has AS. When he was at the same primary school he won an award for raising awareness of autism for standing op in front of the whole class and explaining his condition. He was newly diagnosed and almost 9. Some children didn't understand why he did certain things or got upset over x/y/z and they were amazing.
Now these children are heading to college this September and will no doubt encounter many other young people with autism etc but have a good understanding of it and don't discriminate or make them feel like an outcast/weirdo/social misfit ( feel free to insert any other horrible stereotype ) so it's bloody sad that a fully functioning adult cannot see past this one little issue.

Op is doing great and is not raising some sort of delinquent, just because he whipped out his willy at 5 years old.