To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

[Florriekinsx]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

You can only try the suggestions if he is onboard, and he has to admit there's a problem for that to happen.

Even if he does stay awake a little earlier, unless he can do it without slipping back to old habits for at least a year, I would guess he would immediately start again once a baby appears. It's the perfect excuse for him. Or worse, he falls asleep with baby on him on the sofa.

OP you're like his cook and housekeeper not his wife. He's unwilling to address this issue and gets snappy if he's woken up plus he's a lazy fucker. Can you go away for a few days to get some headspace and think about how you'd like your life to be?

If he hasn't had his Vitamin D tested I would bet money this is the cause.

I really don’t think the gym is causing this. 6am is not a crazy early time to get up either. I’m 10 years older than this guy, get up 6ish, run 50k a week and do 3-4 heavy strength session, work close to FT with 2 kids and can still be totally fine on 8-9 hours average. I wouldn’t say I’m exceptionally energetic. If he had some condition like ME /CFS you’d think he’d struggle with mornings too.

If he wakes up at 5am then he would need to go to bed around 9pm to have 7 hours of sleep. So his problem is waking up too early for the gym. Is that essential? Can he do it at weekend or not every day?
I would ask him to not wake up that early as it affects the relationship. If he ignores it then ask him if he would be fine to separate. Well, it looks like you are not a couple but more like tenants and you didn't get married to be/feel single.

When we met, things weren’t like this. He did like his sleep, but more like 9pm/10pm which whilst still early, felt acceptable
So he CAN stay awake - he just CHOOSES not to!
How long were you together before moving in/getting married?

Do you ever feel like you've been deceived OP?
It sounds to me like he made an 'effort' to stay awake/spend time with you until he had you 'hooked', and now that he's manipulated you into being his cook, cleaner, maid, housekeeper - i.e replacement mother - he doesn't feel he needs to make the effort anymore so has reverted to type.

He moans that we have no sex life
Of course he does - he made all that effort to stay awake often enough reel you in he now expects you to put out - just like his mother does with his dad.

when he has cleared up after dinner he has failed to see splatters of cooking oil, crumbs on the side and has generally done a poor job. I know I’m making a rod for my own back but it’s easier to do it myself
You're falling into the trap that many women fall into - allowing him to get away with not doing his fair share of chores, tolerating him doing a crap job of it when he does and then resigning yourself to do it because of the stress and energy it takes trying to make him behave like a responsible adult and partner.

As far as he’s concerned, things are great with us...
That's because in his mind it's all about him.
As long as you're doing playing the role he's given you and it doesn't impact negatively on him then it's all ok in his world.
He doesn't listen to you and doesn't care (or love) you enough to hear what you're telling him or to make any effort to change.

You've been duped OP.
He played a good game whilst unmarried because he knew you would never have married him if you'd seen his true colours from the start.

When we first married many years ago, DH used to sleep in until past midday which left me sat alone or doing all the chores. He would get really grumpy if I tried to wake him. There was absolutely nothing at all wrong with him, it was just how his family lived. His mother was the laziest woman on the planet and would lie in each day until around 1 pm. Then get up and sit in her dressing gown for an hour or two. Her dh used to get in from work and start the housework.

I felt offended because it was saying to me that I was not worthy of his time and I had to think what would happen if we had a family. I certainly couldn't rely on him or mil for any support as things were. I told him straight how sick I was of it and that you are a long time dead. I could never understand how his mother had spent most of her life unconscious by choice.

I don't believe he is ill. From what you have said he sounds cossetted by his parents and he is expecting the same from you. He is not your child, you are in a partnership. I know that it is hard to stand up to grumpiness when you wake up your man-baby, but you must do it. He has a nice life but you have a lonely one waiting around for him. What a boring, selfish, man child he is. Tell him to Wake Up before it is too late.

Taking Vitamin D supplements is a good place to start if he genuinely is that tired.
Like others have said, the 'normal' levels the NHS uses are generic and don't take into account your individual dna/ethnic mix or lifestyle.
I used to sleep a lot and had terrible brain fog despite holding down a full time job and adult responsibilities (i lived on my own).
It was only when my levels dipped into the insufficient range and i started taking the Vitamin D supplement that i noticed the change in me.
Now i know when my levels are dipping because i recognize the symptoms - and my requirements also change depending on the season/weather periods.

Circadian Rhythm Sleep Disorder or delayed sleep phase disorders can make you sleep at really unsociable hours. Your routine is out of sync with what is considered a normal routine and nearly impossible to change.

Oh and just to clarify - you wouldn't be divorcing him because he sleeps too much, you would be divorcing him because he is an uncaring shit who doesn't pull his weight around the house, doesn't care a fig about your feelings but expects you to tiptoe around him and keep a nice house for him - but silently - while he lazes around in the evening and goes to the gym in the mornings.

This, definitely.

He may, or may not, have a medical issue.

But from what the OP writes, he's appearing to replicate the relationship between his parents, since MIL does everything. To him, that's normal, and he's not giving any shits for OP's POV.

He's not bothered about sorting his sleep out, because his life is just as he wants it.

I'd leave. He won't change. He's seen the OP in tears over this and has done nothing at all.

I start playing with him if you want your marriage to work...
Wear something sexy, stand beside his sleeping body and that a photo...
Then show him tomorrow...
Wait till he is asleep and go to the cinema.
Arrange a girls night out, but only go after he is asleep. Then show him what you did...
While he is so comfortable in his little life he will do nothing...

Oh God, he sounds like me. I am always falling asleep. To be fair I am a natural lark - I am usually up and about by 5am, but by early evening I am knackered and sleepy.

It's very difficult to over-write your body clock.

It sounds like a habit. I used to work a job that finished at 3pm every day. I'd get home at 4pm, make a cup of tea and put the tv on. Without fail, within 10 mins of the tv going on, I'd be asleep.

I had to make a conscious effort to break the habit by not sitting down at all. Instead I'd go for a run with a friend or clean the bathroom etc. It was hard to start with and a couple of times I even fell asleep with my head on my knees and my hands on my running shoe laces! Woken by my friend banging on the window and laughing at me.

OP has already said she has had plenty of time to observe DH asleep and does not think he has sleep apnoea.

Sleep apnoea is not clinically diagnosed by observation. If the husband’s Epworth score passes the threashold, it is likely the GP will refer him to a unit to be fitted with a small breathing monitor to be worn overnight at home. The results are downloaded from the gadget & interpreted by the clinical team. Thus low levels of sleep apnoea are detected & some health problems resolved sooner than later. The Epworth sleepiness survey is a starting point for assessing possible sleep apnoea. The Epworth survey can be found on the British Lung Foundation website - this is mainstream everyday stuff. Why not give it a try yourself ?

www.blf.org.uk/support-for-you/obstructive-sleep-apnoea-osa/diagnosis/epworth-sleepiness-scale

And do you leave your partner to do all the housework, complain that you don't get enough sex and ignore your DP when they say they're unhappy thatmustbenigel ?

And do you leave your partner to do all the housework, complain that you don't get enough sex and ignore your DP when they say they're unhappy thatmustbenigel ?

I've had to leave my husband to do everything. I know that he is exhausted and unhappy. It's only in this past week that a reason has come to light for my exhaustion. I've had other chronic illnesses diagnosed but nothing that has really explained it. It wasn't until they looked at everything that they found it. I'm quite sure that people looking in have judged me for being lazy and treating my husband badly.

I've begged my gp to do more tests. The fact is that they only look for the obvious and when they come back normal you are dismissed.

Again, this man might simply be lazy. Or he might be unwell. I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss illness based on a few normal blood tests.

I’m sure it’s already been said but do NOT have children with this man.

You’re far too young to be stuck in this life of boredom OP and men often tend to get even worse on the boring/lazy front as they age. I would get out of this relationship if I were you. Put it down to experience and know what to avoid in future relationships - I wish I had done this before adding children to the mix! This is not a relationship with equality. Get out while you can and consider it a lucky escape.

If it were me I'd get a saucepan and a metal soup ladle and bang it by his head every time he nodded off.

Does he drink lots of coffee to try to stay awake?
If I did that I'd fall asleep, as believe it or not, coffee makes me very sleepy!
Sounds like he needs to avoid the sofa as soon as he gets in the house.
It's more of a habit.

Sleep apnoea is not clinically diagnosed by observation.

It often has observable symptoms - snoring, pauses in breathing, waking up suddenly with a gasp and a splutter.

Why not give it a try yourself ?

Because my father has been diagnosed by a medical professional so I don’t need a bloody website.

The website lists the key symptoms:

Symptoms of OSA when asleep:

Snoring
Stopping breathing or struggling to breathe
Feeling of choking
Tossing and turning
Sudden jerky body movements
Needing to go to the toilet in the night

In the absence of those, sleep apnoea is not terribly likely.

I was asleep all the time during the menopause and when it turned out I had vitamin B12 and vitamin D deficiences.
He is 34? My ex husband is 46 and he does a four hour commute everyday, often works until late into the night, then does an hours mountain biking, he is a few stone overweight and goes to bed about 11 or 12 at night and is ready to go by 6 again the next morning.
So why is your husband tired all the time?
Your man says he thinks everything is ok between you so it's up to you to tell him actually everything is not ok and you are so pissed off you are thinking of leaving him.
You need to do something or this will never stop.

You are far too young to deal with this, when I think about all the things me and ex did right up to my mid fifties and still do as we are still friends, motorbiking to europe, going out several times a week, actually living.
This sounds like a horrible miserable marriage for you, I couldn't stand it. The boredom must be terrible and it clearly isn't going to get any better.

Tbh I have 12 hours and some pro just need more - has he been tested for sleep apnea?

If it were me I'd get a saucepan and a metal soup ladle and bang it by his head every time he nodded off.

Could you imagine if a wife posted on here that she was utterly exhausted and every time she fell asleep her husband did the above?

It was said tongue in cheek Little and as it has been established that the husband in question does absolutely nothing in the house, I think I'm allowed that joke.