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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 04/04/2019 15:20

@LittleChristmasMouse
Do you also do chores badly so your husband has to re-do them? Do you get snappy with him if he is clearing up the meal things or cleaning the house and dares to make a little bit of noise while doing it? Do you have plenty of energy for the things you want to do, e.g. going to the gym, and socialising - so friends and family think you are a bright energetic person, but the minute you get through the front door you refuse to lift a finger to help your husband?

Most of us are saying it MAY be a health condition - but if so, he needs to go back to the GP and pursue it - but given the rest of the background and his couldn't care less attitude towards the OP, it sounds more like he feels like he's got her tied down now so he can just stop making any effort.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 15:27

Mitzimaybe

I don't do any chores because I go to work (where until now yes, my colleagues probably wouldn't know anything was wrong) then I come home and go to bed. At 2 in the afternoon. Yes, I've snapped at my husband and moaned that I want things done differently because I'm frustrated that I can't do them and have no control over my life.

I was going to the gym 3 times a week until last week because everyone, including drs, told me that exercise would make me feel better (admittedly only yoga and pilates). Since they've found the heart issue they have stopped that pending investigations.

I have been putting whatever energy I did have into going to work. I had none left at all once I was home yet drs could find nothing wrong, apparently.

Now I see that my husband should be divorcing me or at the least bashing a saucepan next to my ear every time I fall asleep.

Roussette · 04/04/2019 15:36

You are you Little and correct me if I'm wrong but nowhere have I said you should have a saucepan bashed next to your ear. That is your situation, not this one.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 04/04/2019 15:37

For better for worse etc meant he could do as he pleased and make little effort.

This is my concern regarding marriage. Some people think it's a license to take the piss. Although, you don't have to be married to do that.

He could not have been like this when you were getting to know each other. Was it out right fraud on his part ? Did he reel you in, get married then, hard luck you're mine / my wife now, suck it up ?

OP, sorry you are in this position, but you know where it is going.

Seems to me you have two choices. Tolerate his behaviour for the rest of your life (imagine doing all you do now with a baby to take care of or worse still being told to keep the baby quiet whilst he sleeps. It's edging towards emotional abuse.) or divorce him. This is no life for anyone, let alone some one who will be in their mid twenties soon.

I suspect there may be more to this i.e. is he on-line in the small hours i.e. not Mumsnetting I'm guessing. You are not his doctor. This is behavioural.

People do use sleep as an avoidance strategy. I sympathise with people who sleep a lot because of illness or a condition. OP's husband is taking the piss and he knows he's doing it. Why does he think he can get away with it. That's what I don't understand. I guess that's normal in his world.

Has he changed his mind about being married but does not want to tell you. He's hardly ever awake often enough for sex, let along letting the OP feel wanted and respected.

Abject selfishness can finish a relationship, no matter how it manifests itself.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:05

You are you Little and correct me if I'm wrong but nowhere have I said you should have a saucepan bashed next to your ear. That is your situation, not this one.

But what I am trying to say is that a month ago my husband could have been posting this about me.

He too would have said that I'd had tests and there was no cause for my tiredness so presumably the replies would be as they are on here.

The fact is, there was a medical reason it just hadn't been identified.

As I said, maybe he is lazy. Or maybe not. He could well be ill.

Roussette · 04/04/2019 16:12

Fair enough Little.

It's just that the MN default position is to always excuse bad behaviour as a possible illness. The husband didn't used to be like this, he used to be awake till 10pm, but my personal take on it is that he is complacent. He's married now, he doesn't have to put the effort in, he's taking on the traits of what his DF and DM are like.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:15

Roussette

You may well be right but I also didn't used to be like this. It could well be that he is a lazy good for nothing but I just wouldn't be so quick to encourage someone to leave their marriage without being sure of the facts.

woollyheart · 04/04/2019 16:19

But this will never be resolved if he never thinks it is a problem, and he never bothers to see a GP about it.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:26

But this will never be resolved if he never thinks it is a problem, and he never bothers to see a GP about it.

He has seen a GP though because he's had some tests so presumably he does think it's a problem?

The problem is that GPs often do standard tests and if nothing obvious is found they dismiss you as though it's all in your head, especially if your symptom is tiredness. Advice to exercise, eat well, sleep hygiene etc. There's only so many times you can go and be dismissed even if the problem persists.

To me, that wouldn't be proof that there isn't an underlying medical cause for this.

MadameAnchou · 04/04/2019 16:33

Exactly, Rousette. Posters on these threads always tie themselves in knots trying to explain away shit behaviour as an illness when the fact is that the person in question doesn't see anything wrong with it, sees no reason to change it and cannot be compelled to 'explore' it further, 'demand more tests', 'get back to the GP' or anything else. The OP has to either take it or leave it, but taking it involves subjugating herself to an inherently disrespectful and uncaring person who expects to be enabled and indulged, forever.

littlenit · 04/04/2019 16:36

My husband was like this for years turned out he had severe sleep apnoea stopping breathing when asleep and making him exhausted. He has c pap at night and it's totally changed him

froufroufoxes · 04/04/2019 16:36

I'm like your DH. I would happily go to sleep at 8.30 every night and wake at 7.
No medical problems, just how I'm made.
BUT I can stay awake when I need to. The trick is just not to sit down on the sofa.
If he's fit and healthy he should be helping you with the clean up and then you move into your evening together.

How you make him change his behaviour though....

InDubiousBattle · 04/04/2019 16:38

Little but you did persist, you begged your gp to do more tests, presumably you knew something was wrong and went to lengths to find out what it was and address it? Op's dh hasn't, she says that he's perfectly happy with their situation. Also, he has enough energy to go out in the evening, have the occasional meal etc (albeit falling asleep when they get home)but seems to run out when the alternative is doing housework.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:40

How do you "demand more tests"?

Seriously. Please explain to me.

Best part of 5 years I've been trying to "demand tests". Got given plenty of blood tests and the odd ecg. Not the actual tests that I needed.

Some of us are wary of judging him because we've stood in his shoes and been judged just as harshly by people who "know".

PepsiLola · 04/04/2019 16:41

What are you going to do OP? I've read all your responses which are mainly saying he's medically ok, but have you decided what you are thinking to doing?

Personally I would sit down with DH and tell him I'm thinking of leaving because I'm lonely etc. Ask him if he would like to work on changes and if not have an adult discussion regarding house etc.

I would hope it would shock DH more than anything

Loopytiles · 04/04/2019 16:41

advise against wasting any more of your time in this marriage: you want DC and your H isn’t good father material.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:44

InDubiousBattle

Yes, periodically I went back. Didn't do me any good. I thought something wasn't right but eventually believed that I too was just lazy.

Took me collapsing and being admitted to hospital for the right tests to be done to diagnose heart failure. Years and years this has gone on for. Diagnosed last week.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:45

Also, he has enough energy to go out in the evening, have the occasional meal etc (albeit falling asleep when they get home)but seems to run out when the alternative is doing housework.

Also me. I could push myself, sometimes.

Itssosunny · 04/04/2019 16:47

It's a lot less complicated. He has only about 7 hours of sleep because of waking up early. Gym is the problem.

Itssosunny · 04/04/2019 16:48

When I had to wake up before 6am I would very tired by 9pm.

TatianaLarina · 04/04/2019 16:48

Some of us are wary of judging him because we've stood in his shoes and been judged just as harshly by people who "know"

You’ve no idea if you’re in in shoes though. You are ill, he may well not be.

You’re over-identifying with a situation that may not be in any way the same.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:51

You’re over-identifying with a situation that may not be in any way the same.

Maybe. As are the people saying, with certainty, get rid he's nothing but a lazy good for nothing.

Point is, none of us know with certainty.

TatianaLarina · 04/04/2019 16:54

No, we don’t know. But this is the OP’s life and she’s entitled to her personal view - that he’s not ill - and to make her own decisions.

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 16:57

TatianaLarina

Of course she is. Except that she didn't really express the view that he definitely isn't ill until posters on here exclaimed with certainty that he is just a lazy good for nothing.

TatianaLarina · 04/04/2019 17:01

She actually expressed that view in the OP.