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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

415 replies

Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 07:38

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

OP posts:
Nowordsleft · 04/04/2019 12:45

What does he think of the issue? If I was falling asleep every evening all evening I would be concerned about myself.

femidom12 · 04/04/2019 12:46

OP you should have 'Observed him in action domestically'!!!
How does that work exactly?!?Freaking hilarious!

AnneOfCleanTables · 04/04/2019 12:47

When do you have sex? If he falls asleep so early and most times end up sleeping on the sofa . . . if you're still having sex with him, it's just another reason why he doesn't have to change. His lack of responsibility and disengagement isn't negatively impacting him at all.

piscis · 04/04/2019 12:47

If he goes to the gym at 6am and then works in a demanding job full time, then I am not surprised he is so tired, I don't think he necessarily has to have any health problems. I would be shattered after days like that too.
He could try going to the gym a bit less frecuently or going in the evenings? If you have told him how you feel, he should be willing to make some changes in his lifestyle. If his sleep is still the same after changing his gym routine, maybe he needs more tests done?

Original poster
Florriekinsx · 04/04/2019 12:48

@AnneOfCleanTables rarely. 2 months ago was the last time. Before that, another couple of months ago.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 04/04/2019 12:51

If he does have a healthy issue, it’s for him to chase it up. I would be really worried in his situation that it was affecting my marriage.

AnneOfCleanTables · 04/04/2019 12:51

I'm both sad and angry for you. You're being a glorified housekeeper whilst he prioritises his sleep and the activities he wants to have energy for (ie the gym and his work).
You need to draw a line. Whether you do that by going to counselling or by suggesting a temporary separation, you need to show that you are not going to accept this.

woollyheart · 04/04/2019 12:54

If you really want to try something extreme, throw out the tv and the sofa.

It might work.

Happynow001 · 04/04/2019 12:55

@Florriekinsx
There have been some useful suggestions on here which I will try over the next few weeks, but ultimately I think I know where this is heading. I want to be able to say I really tried, but at the same time I’m not going to throw my life away waiting for someone to change, who either doesn’t want to or isn’t capable of changing.
Very sensible OP. Just make sure you have all your legal documents up to date and somewhere safe for if/when you decide to move on.

MadameDD · 04/04/2019 12:58

Just seen from your OP (didn't notice it before) that over the past year things have become rather extreme - assume that's because he falls asleep more and earlier.

piscis - OP says he doesn't go to gym at 6am every day so it's not that. He's getting more than enough sleep.

When I work in the office I wake up at 6.45am and when I go to bed generally 10.30-11am and I'm not falling asleep in front of DD and DH.

LillianGish · 04/04/2019 13:00

Florrie your thread title is too simplistic - if you do divorce this man it won't be because he sleeps too much, it will be because he is entirely self-centred and has no interest in your needs or desires. It sounds like he is expecting you to follow a pattern established by his parents where as his wife you do everything. His priority is clearly his early morning gym session since he has no problem waking at 6am and getting out of the house this. I find the sleeping all night on the sofa thing the hardest to get my head round - this makes me think of someone who has passed out drunk and can't be arsed to get into bed. It is not reasonable behaviour even if it has become the norm for him. This is in no way a criticism of other people who suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome or who have any other health issue which leave them exhausted it is the verdict on a man who chooses not to take his wife's concerns seriously and doesn't think this is a problem.

theOtherPamAyres · 04/04/2019 13:02

Try not to enable him.

In other words: WAKE HIM UP on the half-hour, every half-hour. Shock

If alarms and banging saucepan lids don't wake him then pack his bags.

Belenus · 04/04/2019 13:02

You said you’ve been married a year and this has being going on a year. Maybe he has a funny idea of married life - now that you’re his wife he doesn’t make an effort. Does his mum do everything for his dad? You haven’t replied to the comments about the housework - does he do anything? Sounds like that old fashioned set up of man with his feet up at home.

I noticed the timing of this as well. As soon as he was secure of you OP he basically checked out of the relationship and stopped putting any effort in. Sleep is his way out of any responsibilities or effort.

Oh he could be ill, it's true. But that doesn't get to the root of why he does no housework or why he doesn't appear to think there's a problem. If he was saying "I realise you don't like this, I'll have more tests, I'll try to change" that would be fair enough. But he's not. He doesn't care. The strategic incompetence is part of this. He has a nice young woman running around after him so he has no reason or desire to change.

Fuck that. If he doesn't want to change, and you cannot continue as is, you need to split. Sorry OP.

SavageBeauty73 · 04/04/2019 13:02

It's sounds extremely boring. Start going out with friends. Seriously think about leaving him.

I've never heard of a fit healthy man sleeping so much. He's sleeping away his life. Don't let it hold you back.

funtimespeople · 04/04/2019 13:03

Honestly it sounds as though you have no marriage tbh. He's asleep for the most of it and not interested in your feelings when wake. You're bored and shouldering all the domestic crap. How utterly dull. I'm not surprised your not having sex.

I would cut your losses with this one and give yourself a big pat on the back for getting out when you did, then go off and enjoy your life.

Hotelfoxtrot · 04/04/2019 13:03

@harrysowl would you mind me asking you how? Current sufferer

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 04/04/2019 13:11

I agree about divorce. What are you getting out of the relationship? It's like he's a teenager, eating then slobbing out every night. You're not his mother. I'm assuming you do all the cooking, cleaning etc. Much less work and disrespect if you lived on your own.

Glitterban · 04/04/2019 13:11

My dh does exactly the same, he gets up earlier and cycles 2 hours daily. He falls asleep around 730-830 everyday or is very irritable to chat to.

I get tired too. I work FT and have on weekends fallen asleep on the floor in the living room after dinner. only to wake 2 hours later in the dark on a cold floor in my own drool (victory, dh has got the kids to bath and bed while I slept)

I fall asleep on trains daily. It's a family trait or the perks of busy lives. I find my crazy hyper kids asleep on stairs, midway thru dinner, when I pick them up...

i'm a night owl so he gives me a lie in on weekends

I get the loneliness thing. but u must get that it's tough with kids and work. Netflix is my best friend. It helps I'm a little autistic/introverted/unemotional.

From my pov, id cut him some slack, because I need him to do the same for me.

ShowMeTheKittens · 04/04/2019 13:12

He either has a very demanding job or needs to see a GP. Low testosterone? Seems a very boring lifestyle.

Belenus · 04/04/2019 13:14

I get the loneliness thing. but u must get that it's tough with kids and work

They don't have kids.

HarrysOwl · 04/04/2019 13:15

@Hotelfoxtrot so I don't derail the thread, do you want to PM me? I can only say what helped me after 6 years of the illness, I think ME/CFS can have different undercurrents for every sufferer Flowers

OP, it sounds like you're really reasonable and you've been understanding but reaching the end if your patience now.

I think if you can see yourself separating and leading a happier life, then you have to follow your heart on that. Twee as that sounds. You're young enough to start over! Don't waste your life watching your husband sleep. Confused

TowelNumber42 · 04/04/2019 13:16

He is selfish. He is lazy. He thinks housework is women's work. He does not care that you don't want to do all the housework. He snaps at you if you doing all the housework disturbs him. He feels entitled to sex with you and is annoyed at the lack of it. I'm not seeing why you believe him to be a good man.

What environment did you grow up in yourself that leaves you with such a low bar for what constitutes a good man? Addiction or anger issues in your own parents perhaps?

littledorothy · 04/04/2019 13:17

oh dear, would he have low blood sugar symptom ? This can easily lead to constant fatigue and sleepiness.

hitime · 04/04/2019 13:21

If you have a baby you'll want to to be asleep at 7pm believe me.

My DH always would go to bed at, generally read or watch iPad and then be asleep for 10pm. And now since I have children I go to bed as soon as I can 8.30 / 9pm.

Mia1415 · 04/04/2019 13:22

Is he definitely sleeping through the night?

A friend had a similar problem with her child and it turned out (after medical tests) that she was getting up in the middle of the night and playing/ reading!

Obviously he is an adult, but is there any chance he is waking up in the early hours of the night and doing something for hours (gaming/ gambling/ watching TV) etc?