To divorce DH because he sleeps too much

[Florriekinsx]

DH and I have been together 5 years, married for 1. He’s always loved his sleep, but over the past year things have become rather extreme. We both work full time 9-5 jobs, have no DC and are young (I’m 25, DH 34). Every evening after dinner, DH will go in to the living room whilst I’m clearing the kitchen and by the time I’ve finished, he’s asleep on the sofa in front of the TV in his work clothes. He can fall asleep anywhere between 7:30pm-8:30pm and I won’t see him again until the morning when we head off to work. Friday evenings are the same and even weekends he’ll be asleep by 9pm. He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

Whilst I’m happy with my own company, this happens every day... I’m desperately lonely and bored. I feel like I may as well be single. We cant watch films together, don’t chat in the evenings or even have a few drinks together, as he’s asleep before I have a chance to relax. I’ve spoken to him but things don’t change, he says he can’t help it. If we do go out for the evening, he’ll be asleep as soon as we return home. We had planned to TTC, but I’ve put that on hold as I’m concerned as to how he’d cope. From 7pm onwards I’d be left struggling by myself. I’m conscious that we have only recently married but the thought of spending the rest of my life like this fills me with dread. AIBU to think there’s more to life than this?

Where? I can see that she states the problem and how lonely she feels but where does she say that this isn't due to illness and that she knows he is choosing to be like this?

Hey OP

Same age difference between my DH and I as you have, and we lived together when I was 25, but we weren’t married. To give you some perspective of how a relationship with owls/larks work: DH is a lark and I’m an owl. We moved in together and I did not think he was great at doing certain chores e.g. cleaning the bathroom but he insisted on doing it and I carried on and cleaned afterwards because I’m strange like that (still do, it’s a family joke). He’s an awful cook but made dinner twice/week (and I politely stomached it and still do). In return, he has always made breakfast every single morning, the treat/ cakes at the weekend and organised day activities so we spend time together. We also had the agreement to have sex times scheduled in (odd but useful especially now we are older) so on evenings when we were on (sex) easier meals were planned and we both blitzed the tidying for speed. Tidying split equitably. We organised our lives to maximise time together and happines/communication so e.g. date night every few weeks, plus time for me to have a late night with friends, and time for his early breakfast with his friends (their thing). Now we’re older he does the heavy lifting on childcare in the morning, I sort the evenings. We share the nights. DH is now 40 and has a highly pressured and stressful job so fair enough if he dozes off 9.

Your husband is a man child and his behaviour is outrageous. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this, I just want to assure you that not all larks behave like your DH.

He’s had tests, so we know there’s no medical reason for this. Physically he’s very fit and heathy. DH just says he’s tired.

If there is no underlying illness then his behaviour is unreasonable and would be grounds for divorce due to lack of intimacy.

However, I would ask him to get a referral to a sleep clinic first. They could give him a Sleep Apnoea test, a one-week Actigraph assessment to see what is happening when he sleeps. e.g. whether his oxygen levels go down at night which causes excess daytime fatigue, Lung Function Tests and a CT scan of his arteries. If all if that is okay then could he gave Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

If he's not ill then I can see that you would want to divorce and find someone to actually enjoy your time with.

He doesn't care that his wife is lonely and upset.

Is that the same for everyone trying to put themselves in his shoes here?

Fuuuucking hell OP.

You know what? Forget this snoozing shitbag. This is about you.

This is YOUR LIFE. Can you see it the way we are are reading it??

You are TWENTY FUCKING FOUR. Where is the fire in your belly???? Where are your interests?? Where is your passion??

Leave this fucking loser while he's a fuckkng sleep and go out and grab life BY the BALLS

You NEVER get this time back. Your energy and looks are at THEIR PEAK. Go and ENJOY THEM. Instead of wasting them wiping down surfaces while "hubby" snores and snaps at you.

Fucking hell what a WASTE OF LIFE. It's you who needs to wake the FUCK UP not your waste of space husband.

Get out and LIVE

Blacksatin. I never had all those tests when i was diagnosed with cfatigue.

Im now v overweight so sleep apnea is more likely i guess. I wonder id sgould ask. I thought they just did the overnighg test though, not scan arteries etc. I really doubt thats available to the average person on the nhs with cfs.

And just to be clear : your husband does not give a flying fuck about you so why the fuck are people wasting time trying to diagnose him?! It is his fucking problem to sort out when he finally wakes up to find that his live-in servant has legged it.

Don’t worry about being divorced by 25. If you think divorce is the answer already, don’t waste extra time making sure ‘you’ve tried’.

It seems like we have a lot of time in life, but we don’t really, and your twenties are precious.

You have plenty of time to start again.

He has only about 7 hours of sleep because of waking up early. Gym is the problem

He has far more than that! He falls asleep on the sofa in his work clothes all evening then stumbles up to bed at some point. That's not 7 hours, that's more like 9 or 10 hours.

Did your husband talk to you about it Little? Did he cry and tell you how upset he was about feeling lonely, and having to do all the housework?

And if he did, did you just dismiss his feelings, saying that you didn't see anything wrong with it?

Or, as I suspect is more the case, you cried with him, told him you wish you didn't feel like this, that you wish you could do more. That you're so sorry, but you're sure there's something medically wrong, but the GP says not.

This could be me! I work full time, have 2 kids (3 & 5), and like to run as much as possible. Kids sleep through so can't blame them. Up at 5:45/6 every morning. By the time I've sorted kids out, got dinner, etc. I'm knackered. Easily fall a sleep from 20:00. I have to purposefully make sure I don't sit down on the sofa until all the jobs are done (shared 50:50 with DH). If he's cleaning the kitchen after tea, I sit at the dining table and chat to him or do some chores myself. I really struggle to watch Tv, etc as I fall a sleep. I'm ok if we have plans to go out, etc but that's once in a blue moon. I've had blood tests etc before, I'm just a busy person who gets up early, with an active life, and relax easily which means I nod off quickly. Can do the same when a passenger in the car too. I am aware I do it so make a conscious effort to interact with DH.

Exctly Plug, you are making an effort. How nice that you sit nattering to your DH in the kitchen because you know you will drop off on a comfy sofa. You have very busy active live so it's no wonder you could drop off just like that.
The OP's DH makes no effort but just gets arsey if woken. Even if he has some sort of condition, there is no need to get cross with her, she's doing everything after all.

Motoko

You're wrong I'm afraid.

In the absence of medical evidence we have both been angry and frustrated with each other and the circumstances. He's felt put upon, taken advantage of, lonely, resentful that we never go out or do anything. I've felt the same and guilty that I couldn't just pull myself together and shape up. I have never told him that though. I've usually got defensive because his comments hit a nerve.

Now, it all makes sense. I can see that it wasn't me being lazy and so can every one else. But reading this thread I am feeling guilty again for the burden that I've been and for the years of his life that he's wasted. After all why does the reason make any difference? The effect on his life has been the same as you are all saying to the OP hasn't it?

Christ, so many people giving him the benefit of the doubt, completely missing the fact that...

HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT HOW IT AFFECTS OP.

THAT is why OP's being advised to LTB.

After all why does the reason make any difference?

The reason makes a huge difference. You have been suffering from an undiagnosed heart problem. Maybe the OP's DH is the same. Or maybe he's just lazy which would be insufferable for OP.

The reason makes a huge difference. You have been suffering from an undiagnosed heart problem.
But had my DH posted anytime before last week he would have been given the advice you are all giving OP - don't waste your life, there's nothing wrong with her, LTB

I have never told him that though.

Well, then I'd have given your husband the same advice then. Have you not even now apologised to him for treating him like shit? You're damn lucky he stuck with you. Being ill is no excuse for being shitty to your spouse. I've never been shitty to mine, even after all I've been through with my illness.

You're damn lucky he stuck with you.

Yes I am, I am aware of that. I was horrible I know. I was angry that my life was passing me by and that I've missed out on so much - going out, going on holiday, family events. The emotions around chronic illness are complex. I don't think there is a "right" way to be ill. It's also difficult to be grateful and apologetic when people don't believe that you are ill and are constantly pushing you to "get better" when you feel unwell but trust the drs when they say you are fine.

Little - gosh all of that is so familiar. I ahte that i cant do what normal people do. I hate not being able to cook a meal as im exhausted by 5 if Ive been out the house. I ahte feeling so useless. And being accused of being lazy is like a red rag. For whatever reason my body just isnt functioni ng.

Op he's not on any medication is he.. Maybe something you don't know about. An ex of mine had an anti psychotic mood stabiliser thing and he was never awake.. Just a clutching at straws thought...

KneelJustKneel

I'm sorry you are in that position. People honestly don't understand. I felt like such a malingerer and I forced myself to get to work to the detriment of everything else because what else can you do?

I am so grateful that I went into hospital last week and that the drs there just persisted until they found the problem.

It's very easy to dismiss people as lazy or bone idle and even more so if the person pushes themselves to do somethings because that allows people to judge that if you can do X then you can do Y and if you don't then you are just lazy.

The difference is Little you persisted in getting a diagnosis. The husband doesn't seem like he cares.

The difference is Little you persisted in getting a diagnosis. The husband doesn't seem like he cares.

Please stop telling me what I did. I didn't persist. Every now and then I went to my GP. I was only diagnosed when I collapsed.

The OPs husband has got worse over the past year and apparently has had enough tests for most people on here to decide that there is nothing wrong with him apart from lazyitis. The fact that he has been to the dr and has had tests suggests to me that he does think something is wrong and has tried to do something about it.

Little I think you're missing the point and I can't tell if it's deliberately or not. This isn't about people on the internet diagnosing OP's DH. Most have suggested he go back to the GP; that he ask about a sleep clinic; that OP make it clear to him how upset and lonely he is. If he ignores all of that because he is happy with how his life is then he is being a poor partner.
This isn't about you. It isn't a criticism or an absolution for you. Perhaps if your DH had received the same advice and taken a stance then you would have asked about a sleep clinic, went to counselling to discuss how it impacted your relationship, returned to the GP. I don't see how any of that could have disadvantaged you.
When DH and I first started dating, I fell asleep easily. If he left me in the car to pay for petrol, I fell asleep. I did have a busy, demanding job and lots of travelling. I'd also become used to needing more sleep. DH encouraged me to go back to the GP and I was diagnosed with a type of anaemia. So I am not unsympathetic to people who need rest but I am unsympathetic to people refusing to address something that is causing a major issue in their relationship.