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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - DH - my resentment

206 replies

user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 00:09

Hi first time poster, nervous!

Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.

We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.

Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.

I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.

Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.

Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 12:27

He’s not. He provides a day a week of childcare. That’s a day more than any man I know.

Motoko · 05/04/2019 12:27

No, he doesn't get to opt out of being a parent, and dumping it all on OP, any more than it would be ok for OP to do that. But I bet if she'd acted like her husband, she'd be told she was being completely unreasonable.

She doesn't have an idealised view of family, she just has normal expectations. I would expect most parents to be interested in their child's first day at play school, even if it's because it means that the parent's time while the child is there, is a bit easier.

Settlersofcatan · 05/04/2019 12:29

Not supporting the OP after she had surgery is not the action of a well meaning man who doesn't do well with young children. Nor is this all about working and providing - the OP pulls in a higher and more stable salary and the DH has time to spare for "hobbies".

Most women find very young children hard too - but they don't get to swan off to do hobbies and leave their partners to it.

Fairenuff · 05/04/2019 12:30

He provides a day a week of childcare.

Well give the man a medal.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 05/04/2019 12:34

Dexra, your point has struck a cord with me. I would agree, now that you point it out, that we do have opposite views in terms of what is deemed important, I see everything as important when it comes to my children, I think all of those moments, however small, leave an imprint, but maybe my view is skewed because of the upbringing I had, whereas dh upbringing was normal and privileged.

I have no intention of jumping ship, I am a measured person who will consider everything, I do intend to sit and talk about things, however it does become infuriating when he would never initiate and I know I will be met with a brick wall

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 05/04/2019 12:42

Can I just be clear, the 1 day a week 'childcare' was an absolute battle, not something he did with delight. It also made financial sense as his daily rate is approx the same as daily childcare for two babies. It also meant sundays would not be so manic prepping for week ahead, plus in Ireland he gets an extra days wage every bank holiday. On alot of levels it worked

OP posts:
derxa · 05/04/2019 12:51

user I know a lot of farmers and there are a lot just like your DH. They're not bad people. It's a culture clash. You will get over this if you love each other.
I grew up with a father who did no childcare or housework and a mother who worked like a slave on the farm and did all the childcare and housework. It was her choice and she adored my father. I didn't want this life and married an accountant Grin who did housework, cooking and was very involved with the children's upbringing. In retrospect I now think children thrive on a bit of benign neglect. We fussed far too much about every little thing.

Loopytiles · 05/04/2019 13:00

Is it a given that he will actually take over or inherit the farm? Is the farm financially viable?

Fairenuff · 05/04/2019 13:15

I know I will be met with a brick wall

So what do you actually expect to achieve by talking to him? What's the point.

I think a little bit me would die each day living your life. But we're all different and if it suits you to carry on like this then I really think that you will just have to suck it up. I can't really advise because this would not be enough for me but might be enough for you.

I suppose it might help you to know that, yes, there are lots of men who do engage daily with their children and wives and do enjoy spending time with them and have a lot of laughs. If that's what you want it is out there.

Yabbers · 05/04/2019 13:22

Can you reduce your hours? If you don’t have a mortgage I can’t see any reasons for you to work full time while the kids are little

Reasons:
OP has a career she enjoys
OP shouldn't have to choose "kids or work" in order to get some time to herself.
It's not 1950

What a fucking world we live in where a father can work as much as he wants but a mother must give up her career if they are financially secure, in order to be her own person for some hours in a week.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 13:25

I’m glad you’re not jumping ship, OP. These years with tiny children won’t last for ever and for some people, like your husband and me, they’re very difficult. No marriage and no parent is perfect.

Planetian · 05/04/2019 13:35

Yup OP I’m Irish and knew you must be too (well knew your DH must be anyway!) I think there’s a cookie cutter “type” of Irish farmer and your DH fits the bill perfectly, as does mine unfortunately!

It’s ingrained sexism. My DH will never admit this out loud of course but I know deep down he believes childcare to be “woman’s work”. I was a SAHM which didn’t help matters. So no I never really got a break but i did what some posters are suggesting you do and hired help. My DC now go to a chilminder two days per week and I do some freelance work from home. It has made me somewhat less resentful and given me some headspace but it doesn’t take much for he resentment to rear its ugly head when he still doesn’t pull his weight.

Like another op said it’s most definitely a culture clash. I’m from a city and this is just not a (half) life I’m equipped to lead, nor do I want to. It wasn’t this way when we met and unlike others I did not sign up to this knowingly and I ache to return to “civilization”!

Nonetheless I’m giving it until the DC start school and their care becomes less “demanding” and then I’ll re-evaluate the relationship as I know this is a crazy stage even when you have a partner on the same page. If it continues like this - or worse if he starts considering farming as a full time job I’m out of here.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 05/04/2019 15:55

I wouldn't give up my career, dh has said in the past he would love if I did as it would make his life so much easier.

I go back and forth between he has checked out or this baby stage is just challenging for him. I will try chat over the weekend and see where we get.

I'm not sure where we are at on an emotional level and if we ever had that connection. On balance I have so much and for that I am thankful.

Planetian can you talk to your dh, does he listen?

OP posts:
Settlersofcatan · 05/04/2019 17:08

I think some men struggle to think of women as real people too. It might be worth saying when he says that you giving up your job would make his life easier that him giving up the farm or his other job would make your life easier. Suspect it has never occurred to him.

Motoko · 05/04/2019 17:21

It's not just the children though, is it? It's you too, that he has no interest in. That's what makes this worse.

He's only interested in himself. What makes his life easier. He gets his house cleaned, his dinner cooked, an easy sex life (not having to go out dating to get sex). Not having to do the chores of running a house, frees up more time for himself, to either make more money, or to go out enjoying himself.

He doesn't care how this affects you, and he couldn't even bother to stay at home to look after you after you'd had surgery. He wanted to go out for a jolly, so that's what he did. Fuck you, and whether you might have needed him. No, going out for a piss up 2 days running was what he wanted, and what he did.

If he's not going to think about your feelings, you will have to, and take appropriate steps. You don't have to put up with it nowadays, and stay in a marriage that is so damaging to your self esteem. This isn't 1950. and you don't have to martyr yourself at the altar of marriage.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 17:38

@Motoko, you really are hellbent on trying to persuade OP to fuck her marriage over, aren’t you?

Hopoindown31 · 05/04/2019 17:42

Sorry OP but he is a farmer so you must have know the deal well before this.

Motoko · 05/04/2019 18:07

I don't think she should be persuaded to stay with a man who doesn't give a shit.

Alsohuman · 05/04/2019 18:09

And I don’t think she should be persuaded to bale on a relationship lasting half her life. She should make up her own mind.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 05/04/2019 19:36

Evening everyone,

I'm not sure that my dh doesn't give a shit. I think having children was possibly the first challenge, a major one in his life. He is an only son and was the golden boy, molly coddled within an inch of his life. When our first baby arrived he couldn't cope, completely detached even though he never did night feeds or actually never did anything baby related until number two arrived because I couldn't do it all on my own anymore. He stepped up a bit, when baby 2 arrived, but he began to overeat excessively and gained alot of weight, now looking back, he could have been borderline depressed

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 05/04/2019 22:23

No, he's just incapable of seeing you and DC as human beings. You are props to make his life look good, but he doesn't see why he should put himself out in the slightest to benefit any of you. All the sulking was because suddenly your life didn't revolve around him and his needs any more.
He is fundamentally selfish, and always has been, by the sound of it. It's almost impossible to get selfish, sexist men to understand that women are human, and that a wife is not a servant or an inferior.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 06/04/2019 11:26

This morning, babies woke at about 6.45, both were in our bed as dd was sick during the night and ds always comes in. Ds pulled my husbands hair in an attempt to wake him, dh said if you do that to me again I will pull your head off. I was aghast and told him he was a horrific father. I took the babies downstairs, did breakfast etc. He came down about 45mins later acted normal and loving towards the babies. Then left for farm. I am so angry so upset but I think I need to something. Please help mumsnet, has he crossed the line once and for all

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 06/04/2019 12:17

Everyone live is different OP he would have crossed it with me before and for others this wouldn’t be. It doesn’t matter what does is has he crossed your line

Original poster
user1471514421 · 06/04/2019 13:30

I feel sick. How could you utter those words to your innocent child

OP posts:
Motoko · 06/04/2019 13:30

As Quartz said, everbody's line is different. You've got people on this thread who would have left after the surgery incident, and others who would allow their husbands to treat them like shit, and still stay.

You've only started thinking about this over the last few days, so you shouldn't make a snap decision. I think it would be helpful if you went to counselling (on your own) to work through your mindset, with regards to your feelings about your own childhood, and how it causes you to act.
You got together when you were very young, and maybe saw him as a way to take you away from that, you were still really a child (not that we ever think we are when we're 16!) and perhaps craved for a male presence in your life to replace the lack of one, due to your father.

Personally, I would leave, but you need to do a lot of soul searching before you make the decision. In the meantime, try to get some time for yourself, and do some research regarding your legal rights in a divorce, and make plans, so you know where you stand if/when the time comes. You'll feel much stronger with this knowledge.

There are good men out there, my husband who I mentioned earlier in the thread, is my second husband, and he's been a rock. I also had a LTR in between the two husbands, and put up with selfish behaviour for longer than I should have. If I was still with him, I know he wouldn't have been anywhere near as supportive as my DH is, regarding my illness. What he wanted, was far more important, and there's no way he would have taken any time off work to look after me, he didn't even do that for his own son.

So good relationships are possible. You don't have to put up with being treated badly. If he's not willing to change (I do think you need to talk to him, and let him know his marriage is on the line if he doesn't step up) then it's time to put yourself first.