Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - DH - my resentment

206 replies

user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 00:09

Hi first time poster, nervous!

Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.

We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.

Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.

I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.

Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.

Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 17:17

Merry, yes I think that I knew deep down things are not ok, but sometimes when an outsider or mumsnet! Tells you that this isn't ok, it is a sudden realisation. At times I felt have been going mad, this was all in my head

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 17:20

Brazen I think you are being slightly unfair, I am trying to unravel my thoughts and feelings. I dont want to leave my dh, I just want him to be here, physically and emotionally, I want our family unit, more than money or material things

OP posts:
Fiveredbricks · 03/04/2019 17:28

Why does he get to take up a hobby OP but you don't? Get a grip and put your foot down. You're entitled to the same amount of time off as him. Even if that means him cutting down to one hobby and you taking one up.

Fridasrage · 03/04/2019 17:29

If you don't like it leave and let your dissatisfaction be a lesson to all others who consider marrying farmers.

Was there any need for all of this..?

Sending you good vibes OP. I hope you’re doing OK.

Fiveredbricks · 03/04/2019 17:30

Oh... Also I've just rtft and seen you married a farmer. Yabu. That's like marrying someone in the forces and complaining when he's deployed or someone in the emergency services and complaining about shifts 😳

Yabvvvu.

Pa1oma · 03/04/2019 17:31

user - I see how you feel, but just to play devil’s advocate, there are plenty of men who work much longer hours than your DH. Many who travel at short notice all over the place. It’s not how many physical hours you’d DH spends with the kids, it’s the quality of that time when he does. My DH works a lot more than yours and so do most men I know, but do the children feel unloved? Not at all! They are confident, happy and secure. What you describe is the norm for millions of people. There are DHs who are there “all the time” but contribute sod all. It’s styitude that counts. My DC understand that they wouldn’t have the opportunities - the schools, the home, the holidays, the “stuff”, if it wasn’t for their dad making a success of the business. Financially providing to the best of your ability IS parenting too. Your DH has probably always known that one day he would take in this farm - and that time is now. It’s not surprising he wants to make a go of it. He is doing what he thinks is best for the family at this time.

EL8888 · 03/04/2019 17:49

I think people are being a bit unfair to user1471514421 l get the vibe she has been in this situation for a while and began to think it was the norm. A lot of us here have now validated her feelings and she’s now questioning it more. It’s her life and only she can say what is acceptable.

Motoko · 03/04/2019 17:56

The thing is Brazen, he can find the time to do his hobby two nights a week, plus some Sundays. He can leave his wife the day after surgery to spend the day at a wedding, followed by spending hours at the pub the following day. It doesn't sound like he's doing much actual farming. It sounds more like he's managing it. And anyway, even when he is around, he doesn't want to engage with his children.

These threads often help the OP's see that what they've just accepted, is not good. OP said her own dad wasn't around when she was a child, so she hasn't had a good relationship modelled to her as she was growing up.

OP, can you clarify something please? His main job, is that on the farm, or with another employer?

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 18:00

Thank you fridasrage.

Fiveredbricks, not exactly the same, but I get your point. So I accept I get no time away ever?

Pa1oma I understand what you are saying about quality time, but he doesn't even have that at the moment

I do get that I knew this was the future, but that is alot different before the reality of children and the challenges they bring.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 18:02

Motoko- let's just say I have never had a positive Male role model in my life, until I met my husband.

His main job he is an employee 8-5

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 03/04/2019 18:10

You married a farmer and are moaning about his commitment to working that provides a mortgage free/ financially secure lifestyle, how awful for you!! Why do people have babies then moan about looking after them? You toilet trained alone? Poor mother, dear God how do you think everyone else copes? Single parents, forces wives? Talk to your DH instead of whining on MN.

Settlersofcatan · 03/04/2019 18:26

Just because some men are completely shit and totally disengaged from family life doesn't make it ok for the OP's DH just to be mostly shit and disengaged. Some of us like our husbands to be involved in family life and have higher expectations.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2019 18:41

fiveredbricks
That's like marrying someone in the forces and complaining when he's deployed home from deployment and at the pub/ his hobby instead of feeding his kids dinner
I fixed it for you.

Merryoldgoat · 03/04/2019 18:46

God there are some unpleasant people on here!

OP - personally I wouldn’t want a relationship like you describe. I don’t blame you at all for feeling dissatisfied.

If he won’t listen and won’t talk and won’t compromise and won’t spend less time on hobbies then what DOES he do apart from watch the children one day which he does with bad humour?

Have you actually spoken to him?

In you position I’d ask your husband to sell the farm - does is bring in much money?

Tbh for my husband to be working every day for all those hours I’d want to be living in sheer luxury.

Motoko · 03/04/2019 19:06

No need to be so nasty Bookworm4.

Is his day job farming OP? I'm just trying to get a fuller picture.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 20:41

Yes I have spoken to him numerous times since baby no 1 arrived, things might change for a week then go back to normal. He has admitted in the past to using the farm as an excuse as he found the early days of yound babies v tough. I look back on that time and it was verly lonely.

Luxury? I don't think so, but comfortable. I would be the main earner out of our two 'day jobs' as such. Farm pays my car finance of 600p/m, all other money put back into it.

No his day job is a skilled trade

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 21:26

El888 you have explained that accurately, the more I think, the more that spills out, what has been held for so long

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 03/04/2019 21:31

I dont think its the farming either that is the issue - its the hobby and the going down to the pub. He is using farming as an excuse to check out from family life and her

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2019 21:41

You are resentful - that’s fine, you need to sort it. But there are ways to get a better balance and you need to discuss them with each other.

FWIW, I don’t think anyone can judge on the strength of what’s on this thread. From his point of view, he works the same ‘employed’ hours as you 4 days a week, and does the same day of FT childcare on 1 day a week, then he goes out to his second job (which because it is farming and a family business will have its own unique pressures) whilst you ‘work’ doing the evening childcare. He no doubt feels like he works hard and deserves some time off.

The point is, feelings on both sides need to be talked about honestly and openly and without attacking each other to find a way forward. Do you need to ditch the resentment and point-scoring of who does/did what in order to move forward.

Can you both do that?

CheshireChat · 03/04/2019 21:44

What would happen if you gave him an ultimatum and asked he's either fully involved with the family or you'll want a divorce?

It doesn't matter this is what farmers are like (though they can't all be this way) if it doesn't work for your family. It doesn't even matter if you knew he was like this (though it's obviously not the OP's case) before you had children with him as children change everything and you may revaluate at that point.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 21:52

No squirrels, there is no point scoring, this is not about me getting a 50/50 balance, that will never happen and I am happy to take on the the majority of housework, baby related things etc. If I had some freedom/outlet. At the moment the scales is tipped too far one way

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 21:54

This evening as an example, left at 6pm, walked back in 10 minutes ago.

Cheshirechat - definitely a reevaluation, doesn't compare to pre baby at all

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 22:26

Bookworm4 - I bring in a decent income, so the lifestyle is not solely due to his work. I am also not moaning about looking after my children, I adore my time with them. In relation to the toilet training, it's not that I did it alone that is the issue, the issue I raised was dh frustration if our son had an accident instead of encouraging him, it was another inconvenience for him.

OP posts:
jacks11 · 03/04/2019 22:26

OP- I think you have three issues:

  1. the lack of engagement with your children/family;
  2. the fact you need equal free time but don't have it; 3)you want him to work fewer hours

You know that unless he sells the farm that fewer hours may well be nearly impossible to achieve? With farming the hours are long, can be unpredictable and often dictated by forces not under your control. If you are inheriting the farm in full, you may find he needs to take on even more hours. Is he planning to give up his 8am-5pm job?

I'm married to a farmer. I honestly would really struggle to tell him to sell it unless we had no other choice (financially) because I know what it means to him. I suspect your DH would be very reluctant to sell, unless he isn't keen on farming. I also knew what I was getting into and chose this life. If it isn't for you (and its not for everyone, there's no shame in that), I would say you need to be really clear where he stands on the farm and then you need to decide whether you can live with that.

If I were you, I would focus on him spending quality time with your DC (and I agree with PP, quality time and engagement is more important than simply the hours is he is present when it comes to developing their relationship) and giving you free time too. He has, albeit reluctantly, gone down to 4 days a week and spends a day with them. I'll be honest here- I wouldn't want to do that, although I love my children and am an engaged parent. I didn't enjoy the baby/toddler years much and found it very hard going. He also works in the evenings. So he is working more hours than you, and therefor the split of childcare/chores has to bear that in mind.

However, if he has two nights per week to do his hobby then you should have the same. If that is not possible, then he has to reduce his hobby to one night per week so you can also have one night per week.

I'd also address the lack of care he has shown you in the past, e.g. going to the wedding and leaving you alone without help. Unless it was very close family (e.g. a sibling), when I would have tried to arrange some help for my DH and gone for the ceremony and perhaps the meal/speeches and then left early, then he should have stayed.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 22:34

Jacks11 thanks for your comprehensive and honest post.

No he has no plans to give up his 8-5. I understand the difference with a farm, there is history involved and a deep emotional connection, that is why I have kept tight lipped on this up to this point as I know what this means to him.

You are right about the 3 separate issues, I think I may have place more focus on his time away, when in fact it is dis disengagement and apparent unhappiness when he is around that is bothering me more

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread