Aibu - DH - my resentment

[user1471514421]

Hi first time poster, nervous!

Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.

We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.

Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.

I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.

Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.

Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts

Can he hire some staff for evenings and weekends?

Can you help with the evening work? Then you would have an involvement and perhaps not mind as much.

My husband has a business outside of my skill set, but I help him when I am home so we can have more time together. Our children as they get into teens do the same and it's become a family business which is nice

I'm in a similar situation...My dh has his own business which has grown busier than we ever imagined. It feels like he works 24/7 and I'm left with all the donkey work. I've reduced my hours at work and it helps as I can get some head space when kids are in school/creche...but it's not ideal. When I complain his suggestion is to just leave work as he's growing the business for us all...but I think I'd feel trapped if I had nothing for me, like my own work/independence.
It's hard, I'm hoping when youngest starts school it'll be easier...but at the moment it's bloody hard.

If I were in your shoes I’d be saying yo hubby that I want time for a hobby. How can we fairly schedule home responsibilities around both our work and both of us having hobby time?

YANBU OP, donkey work day in day out with no break is soul destroying! I like the suggestion above that he reduces his hobby to either one night a week or two nights every other week so that you can get the freed up time for you.

You need a break too OP. Each person in a partnership should have an equal opportunity for leisure. Ask him where and how he can support you in having the same amount of leisure that he is currently enjoying.

You should not be the default caregiver every night. He should pick at least two a week where he can commit to being home so you can have a real from the dinner/bath/bed monotony and a chance to meet friends or have a hobby of your own.

I also echo previous posters- hire help! Hire a University or high school student to come be a helper with the afternoon/evening routine. Send out your laundry, hire a cleaner if you haven't already. All those practical things that take the drudgery off your plate.

If DH plans to be MIA whenever it suits him in service of the family business long term, then that absolutely warrants a discussion about whether holding the business is the right decision, and even if it is, what the family's needs are if that is what happens. Your DH is leaving a void at home. Ask him- what's the plan to fill it??

can i add my thoughts please

families with a long standing business are primarily motivated by work

in my limited experience to them in any trade-off work will come first
and financial rewards are often seen as compensation for not being physically and emotionally there

you need to give him a rocket now because when he fully owns the business it will consume him and you are the only person who can get through to him

it may take some rocking the boat...

You are not equals and that is the root of the ressentment.
His work is allowing you to have a nice lifestyle. What about yours? Are not working and contributing to it too?
It’s ok for him to have a hobby two nights a week but somehow you can’t and it has to be booked and planned in advance. And reminded about?
He chooses to keep the business wo you having a say on what it measn TO YOU.
Basically he is acting the full patriarchal system where he does whatever he wants and you have to be there for the dcs and get the crumbs. If there is any.
He might be a nice man but I wouod want to consider what nice means. And what are your boundaries.

You need to start sticking to your guns. Have some time off once a week for YOUR hobby. One that he has to work around if needed. Just like you do for him.
Ensure he is involved in the day to day life of the house. What is he doing on his day off,if he is working 4 days a week? Does he clean the house, tidy etc...? Does he have the evening meal ready for you when yu come back? Compare that what you do on your day at home with the dcs.
Basically, how fair is the split of the housework, spare time for hobbies etc?
You need start making yourself heard. You, your needs and your wants. You need to start treating yourself as importantly as he expects you to treat him (and how he is treating himself).
Don’t become a SAHM etc... to make it easier for him. Why is it that you couldn’t have a 4 day job too if you want to?!? Why should you be the one to make sacrifices and not him too?

My experience is that things change when you start believing that yu are as important as him. That your needs are as important as him. And that includes your needs to have a break too. Make that happen and things will fall into place.

At one level I look at my life and think I have everything anyone could ask for and am so thankful, but also have moments of, is this it?

It might be it for the time being but it won't be it forever. You can certainly get a nanny etc but you like your career so don't feel you need to give it up. Get a cleaner in a couple of days a week and give yourself some night off. The kids will grow up; your man will slow down and you'll get more together time in time. Life comes in phases. If you're not happy then do something; if you're just frustrated, then wait it out.

You need to insist that he does his fair share, OP. He can't have two evenings a week for leisure activities while you have none - one evening a week each is the way forward. And don't let him object to the idea of hiring help - some men resist this because, basically, they want their wives to be their servants. Do not listen to any suggestion that you reduce your working hours, especially from him or his family. You are not a servant. You are just as entitled to career success and leisure time as he is.

Quite honestly I regret working full time when my son was little. I wish I had worked much less until he went to school. Those years are so precious and it sounds as if you are stretched too far. Is work really worth that much?

You need to find yourself a hobby, even only once a week, just for you to do what you like. I feel much better now I spend two hours singing in a choir every week.

Consider getting some help for the evenings and weekends.

Explain to your DH that the best course of action is to employ a Manny a couple of nights a week & at the weekend who can help with the DC and allow you some time off.

It's important that the person you employ is a man, as the kids need to spend some time with a father-like figure, being as their own one is rarely around.

It will also be nice for you to have some Male company as you dont get to see much of your DH.

Alternatively, he could sell the business & be the father-figure to his kids & the Male company for his wife.

Thing is why cant he employ someone for the business - just one person?

Meh. You have no mortgage or financial worries AND both work full time.

Why don't you drop to 4 days a week to give yourself a day to yourself to do something for yourself?

Buy in cleaning help.

Buy in babysitting so you can do something in the evening.

Loose the guilt. Guilt is useless.

There have been some good suggestions here. You will know best which might work for you.

My advice would be, above all else, talk to your DH. You have been through massive life changes in the last three years. Both of you have a lot more pressure and responsibility than you have ever known before. This is a massive life transition and when these shifts occur it is too easy for each of you to carry on as you always have done without thinking about possible change or discussing with your partner what you and the new set up need. If you have just been soldiering on he might not realise how hard it has been for you and how unhappy you are.

I used to be a couples therapist and IME the biggest cause of marital unhappiness is failure to communicate somthings that start as little niggles build up and escalate. Talk to him now before this happens to you.

There really needs to be compromise on both sides for a family to work. And at the moment, he doesn't seem to be compromising.

You need to find a way to get his work/life balance back in kilter, increase the time he spends with you and the DC and enable you to have time for yourself.

Once the inheritance is completed, can you book some quiet time with him to re-evaluate how home life and your marriage are panning out in the list of priorities? He'll probably say that he's doing it for the family, but maybe he needs a gentle reminder if the current reality?

madcatlady she didn't ask to be judged for working. Would you say the same to her DH?

OP - I have 4 DC and my DH started his own business just after the first was born. This was 16 years ago. He has worked whenever he needed to - evenings, weekends, even flying home early from holidays if he’s needed to.

If you run your own company, you don’t “leave it at the office.” It’s a different mindset and I think, to some extent, you have to accept this.

My DH has a range of hobbies too which I’ve never really begrudged him. Often he goes abroad for the hobbies too.,

I guess the difference has been, that I’m a SAHM so I only had to focus on the family and not juggle work as well. However, your DH doesn’t sound as extreme as mine.

The pay-off here will be the money and the greater opportunities this brings for your DC in the future. As you say, it’s not as if he’s down the pub. Where I live, I barely know any woman whose DH gets in before 8pm - this is standard. Many travel overseas frequently as well. I guess it’s a trade-off between family time and lifestyle / opportunities?

Could I turn the situation on it’s head though - would you be content with a husband who was content to work 8-4, 4 days a week and that’s it - for evermore? No ambition, just happy to plod along like that?

I don't understand how he works 8 - 5 then in the family business - does that mean he has a main job, then does extra work on the family business?

Is the solution not then for him to transition to the family business, whether that's gradually by dropping hours in his other job to go part time first or just moving into the family business full time?

Would it help to keep a careful note, over, say a month, of exactly how much time yourDH spends during waking hours with you and DC, working and doing his hobby? Maybe seeing the figures as a percentage of his time might be a wake up call for him? Also record the waking hours you have to do,as you please

Thank you all for your responses.

Horsemen - I accept I am extremely privileged, however I have also been at the other side. I had a difficult upbringing, father mh issues, no money, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, dad suicide etc, so I know what life can be like, at times I stand back and look at my life now and cannot believe how lucky I am. However I am trying to manoeuvre life with working and small children, whilst trying to ensure my dh has what he wants and needs with regards to work hobby etc.

When I say he would give me the world I mean I know he has my and our children best interests at heart. If I want something material, for example if I said I want to buy a pair of shoes for 500, that wouldn't be an issue, not that I would!

Yes he is an employee 8-5, home by 5.15, gone to family business by 6. Once we inherit I know he feels he will have to prove himself and inevitably will spend more time away.

If it had been my decision I would have sold, however I know how much it means to my dh so chose not to voice that.

I suppose I am lacking freedom, we spend no time together, have probably very little emotional connection just getting through each day. I do acknowledge the suggestions to buy in help, I am a person who likes to do it all, so I think cleaning, preparing all meals in advance etc will need to be looked at.

Proud - that is a great suggestion, I will do that.

I also do all baby related activities, getting up in the night, so much to the point at times the babies refuse dh. Also, the mental load is mine

This is also a case I think where his needs seem to trump yours

What is he actually giving you for you because everything he does is for him. When does he ever ensure you get what you need and deserve

Your partnership should be equal it isnt

@BlueSkiesLies OP already has dropped to 4 days.

OP, money and material objects are not as important as relationships. (With the obvious caveat that you need enough to pay the bills and have some extra for treats and savings.)

Your relationships with your husband will deteriorate, and the children will grow used to him not being there, so his relationship with them will be distant. What was the point in him having children if he doesn't want to spend time with them? Buying them anything they ask for, doesn't make up for the lack of a close and loving relationship with their father.

Too many men focus on their careers, thinking that giving their children the best of everything is the important thing, only to find when those children grow up, that they don't have a relationship with them. That the children resent them for never being there when they were growing up.

And a lot also find themselves divorced, because their wives got fed up of not being listened to, of being the ones with all the emotional load, of hardly ever spending quality time with the man they loved, and feeling that he cared more about his work and money, than his wife and children.

You need to point this out to your husband, before it's too late.