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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - DH - my resentment

206 replies

user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 00:09

Hi first time poster, nervous!

Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.

We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.

Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.

I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.

Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.

Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts

OP posts:
Buddyelf · 03/04/2019 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 11:37

Oh he's one of those men who think wives are hired help. And to be fair you are one of those women who agree.

If you look at the dynamics you should be doing 50/50 housework, childcare, mental load, etc. He is the one who chose to take on a second job without even considering who was going to do his share.

In order to balance it a little it falls on you to buy in help to cover some of his responsibilities. And even with cleaners and nannies that would only make it 70/30 max because he is never going to pull his weight at home.

This could work for you though as you are at least both on the same page. He won't give up his hobbies for you or the children. That much is clear. I'm sorry OP, I would not want to live like that.

MsTSwift · 03/04/2019 11:40

I think it’s pretty off to have an absorbing hobby that takes you away from the family for long periods when you have tiny kids. Dh has a hobby like this I am just about ok with as kids both over 10 and have my own hobbies now but no way would I have been with tiny ones. Not fair.

Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 11:41

my DH is also a really great husband and Dad and hes a wonderful man but the expectation is that I am the one who deals with the kids and the house and he sort of just comes and goes as he pleases

That is not a great husband and father or wonderful man!

A great husband respects his wife rather than treating her as hired help. A good father is a positive role model to his daughters and shows them how a partner can be expected to be treated.

CostanzaG · 03/04/2019 11:43

Fairienuff makes a valid point.
My DH just started a new job which means he now struggles to to do as many nursery drop offs/pick ups......however, he's not expected me to pick up the additional workload or adjust my hours to fit his job. He's sorted the arrangements as he understands that I am not the default parent and also have a career i'm committed to.

Settlersofcatan · 03/04/2019 11:47

Can he drop to 3 days a week and spend the extra day doing the family business stuff so that it doesn't take up evenings and weekends? That feels like a more sensible solution than the OP dropping hours

EL8888 · 03/04/2019 11:47

I can see why you are resentful, l would be if l was you. In terms of the hobbies if he can spend that time on a hobby, then so can you. Whether that’s Zumba, meeting a friend or reading a book in peace etc. Either both of you get that time out or neither of you do

Motoko · 03/04/2019 12:03

That is not a great husband and father or wonderful man!

I was about to say the same thing! I'm so fed up of that trope being reeled out, followed by examples that show he's anything but.

I'm mid 50s now. My dad was a great husband and father. When Mum started back at work, whoever got home first, did the dinner and anything else that was needed.

He often took me and my brother out to places, and we also had lots of family time with both parents at the weekends.

Those are just two examples off the top of my head. Consequently, I was close to both of my parents, and knew I could go to either if I had a problem, as they both had time for me.

If a man leaves all the "woman's work" to his wife, has time to do his hobbies, but no time to allow his wife the same, or time to spend building relationships with his children, he is categorically NOT a "good husband and father".

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 12:10

As the thread and my thoughts have progressed, I have noticed dh really does not want to spend time together as a family. For example we went away to a hotel just last weekend, all 4 of us, the babies and I enjoyed it however dh complained alot. He finds doing anything with the children very stressful and 'not worth it'. He would want us to go away together him and I, however makes no moves to make this happen. I feel we are a family and should do things as a family unit

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 12:16

He finds doing anything with the children very stressful and 'not worth it'.

Well yes, he's right. Babies are hard work. And of often boring and tiring.

Obviously beneath him but ok for you.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 12:17

With regards to the change in hour work, I still do full time contracted hours but over 4 days with reduced lunch etc. Dh stays at home on mondays to take care of babies, my day off work is Friday. He does his fair share on a Monday, for example he did the food shop with the babies in tow and cooked dinner. He would be very stressed when I get home on mondays and is gone almost immediately

OP posts:
YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/04/2019 12:18

@user1471514421 That's really sad. It sounds like he's using work as an excuse to be away from the kids.

That's sad but probably not uncommon. Some people don't enjoy little children, he might be a lot better with them when they are older. That doesn't mean you need to wait until then though.

Have a frank chat about the division of household tasks and childcare. What can he do to make it fair?

user1480880826 · 03/04/2019 12:18

Once your husband has inherited the business presumably it’s entirely up to him who he employs? In which case, can’t he just employ someone to take some of the workload? He’s working far too much currently. It’s not good for either of you.

If you don’t have a mortgage and both earn a decent amount then you can definitely afford to employ someone to help with the family business.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 12:18

Fairenuff- that has brought a tear to my eye, I have never looked at it like that

OP posts:
CostanzaG · 03/04/2019 12:22

He finds doing anything with the children very stressful and 'not worth it'.

But it's okay for you to deal with it most of the time?

Alienspaceship · 03/04/2019 12:23

Believe it or not, you are not helpless in this situation! Decide what is fair and tell him this is what is going to happen from now on. This isn’t all his fault, you’ve allowed this to happen just as much as he has decided to do it. I mean this constructively, stop being so passive.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 12:25

Alien, I think you are right. Possibly I have allowed being financially secure cloud my judgement in terms of what is fair.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 03/04/2019 12:25

I think you need childcare Monday’s to allow DH to do his things or rest etc

Same for you either one day a week or babysitter two nights a week m
Sell it as fair and he won’t say no

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2019 12:26

So he recognises the need for space away from the children when he has had them all day (Monday he leaves striaght away) but never seems to think you need the same

I think the problem is that given your background it feels like he has given you the world - and materially perhaps he has but where is the time, where is the love for you and your children

Fairenuff · 03/04/2019 12:27

You need to present the problem to him and ask him for his solution.

Immediate, short term, medium term and long time.

You really do need a plan that suits both of you, written down, with rotas if that helps. Clearly mark where each of your roles lie and, crucially, where your responsibility ends. Plan it together, agree it and agree to revisit if it's not working.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 12:29

Green tulips- I suppose I had asked dh to reduce his days which he agreed to reluctantly, not so much for financial reasons but so that he could have a day dedicated to spending time with his children as he is otherwise away a good bit. He would freely admit he does not enjoy mondays. I think the babies are so close in age and are demanding he finds it difficult and doesn't get a minutes peace

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 03/04/2019 12:30

Does not sound like much of an relationship to me.

He is just trying to avoid you and the children. He is stepping away from family life.

timeisnotaline · 03/04/2019 12:33

Boring and tiring ... Obviously beneath him but ok for you.
This. I am not the default parent, and I refuse to shoulder the mental load alone in my marriage. My dp has to pull his weight in nursery pick up and drop offs and make it work with his job just like I do.

You need to go into this conversation absolutely set that something has to change. I’d take a range of options so he has to consider them - yes selling the business is one. Hiring someone one evening a week is another. Dropping his regular job hours is another, as is dropping a hobby. I couldn’t accept an outcome that wasn’t more free time for me and less being taken for granted. I highly recommend if the decision is to have babysitting in, that he organises it, and he stays in if it falls through.
When he says he’s doing it for you , ask him what he would be doing differently without you? Is it hanging onto the full time job? In which case he can stop, you don’t need him to make that sacrifice, you need him in your family. (Actually he is of course spouting bullshit- there is nothing he would be doing differently without you except more hobbies and wven more work, but you have to call him on this)

I would also consider long term goals. Knowing and loving your wife and children and being loved back must be one of them? My dh knows that if he thinks he’s too special to do boring shit around the house but it’s fine for me, I will stop loving him eventually, how can you love someone who thinks you’re their menial attendant?

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/04/2019 12:36

I think the babies are so close in age and are demanding he finds it difficult and doesn't get a minutes peace

🤷🏻‍♀️ welcome to babies and toddlers, DH! He's only on his own with them for one day and then he Fred Flintstones out the door to his hobby!

When you've had a stretch of time alone with the kids is he correspondingly appreciative and ready to roll up his sleeves to relieve you and give you some freedom and down time? No? He alone finds babies and toddlers demanding and relentless because of his special maleness? Your magical second X chromosome makes you immune to the same frustrations?

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2019 12:40

I assume it’s some sort of business like a takeaway or restaurant that operates evening only? So transitioning from his FT day job to just the business wouldn’t solve that?

I’d be fine (going against the grain) with the hobbies that occur after the evening job - if he’s out anyway by the time you’ve done bedtime he may as well stay out! But I’d not enjoy the idea of the weekends getting chopped up for it too. I’d also want some time for myself - Every.Single.Bedtime.All.Week.Every.Week is maddening.

It’s OK to get a babysitter for an evening or two. Say one evening a week for you to go out e.g. Weds (and he’s in charge of being back to relieve the sitter) and one evening e.g. Friday where he gets cover for the business and has a night off to spend as a couple, with or without a babysitter.

This phase of life is demanding but don’t let resentment creep in if you can work together for a better balance.