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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - DH - my resentment

206 replies

user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 00:09

Hi first time poster, nervous!

Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.

We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.

Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.

I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.

Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.

Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts

OP posts:
Damntheman · 04/04/2019 09:04

How on earth does he think he can run a whole farm while also working a full time job? Farming IS a full time job. He's being so unreasonable. He finds it hard so he checks out but it's okay to leave you to do all the stuff he finds so hard to do all alone? Does he realise how selfish he's being?

jacks11 · 04/04/2019 10:19

OP

I think he is being unrealistic to think he can run a farm and have an 8-5pm job 4 days a week with an additional full day of childcare. Something will slip, eventually. He needs to decide which job he wants and commit to that, which would also free up some time with his family. If he needs to work in order to make ends meet because farming income is too low to provide an liveable wage for him then he does need to look at the farm in terms of improving what they already do or making changes to bring in more income.

But yes, I think you’ve got to address the issues regarding disparity in free time and the way he has behaved towards you in terms. I do think you need to ask him if he is using work as a “get out clause” for the childcare because he finds it hard. If so (as opposed to genuinely needing to work those hours), this also needs addressed.

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2019 11:09

Well, we're all different and will put up with different things but this is what I'd do:

  1. I'd tell him that things need a big change or I'm leaving.
  1. I'd be very clear about the changes I wanted: a choice between farm and 8-5 job; proper engagement with the children; recognition that having a hobby 2 nights a week is not sustainable and to stop them until it's feasible with family commitments.
  1. I'd have a time-limit on things.
  1. If I didn't get the changes I wanted then I'd leave.

My mum always said to me that women shouldn't have children unless they were willing to do ALL the parenting if needs be. I always thought this was utterly ridiculous but now I know what she meant. The more threads I read on here the more I realise how common it is for many men to absolve themselves of all responsibilities other than financial (and even that's not a given) when it comes to the family.

Just as an aside, and NOT a boast, my husband had a 9-5 job and I work 3 full days.

He does drop off to school and childminder several times a week, does all cooking, does washing, shares housework, feeds baby, shares overnights with the baby, does bathtimes/bedtimes etc and isn't a douche about money. He also is extremely engaged with the children and plays with them, takes them out etc. He's entirely normal among my set of friends. Men like him are not unicorns and it's not an unreasonable expectation for men to be equal partners in all aspects of family life.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 12:41

I had, some time ago, discussed with him the potential for him to reduce his working days to 3, as it would be more feasible given his type of work, where as with my role I couldn't reduce, I would have to look at another role/job. His response was that my job is not more important than his!

This thread has given me the space to air my thoughts and I have been provided with support and constructive criticism, for which I am grateful

OP posts:
Motoko · 04/04/2019 12:53

I'm glad this thread is helping you OP. I do hope he steps up, but sadly don't think he will, and you'll need to decide whether you're willing to accept it (I wouldn't) or move on.

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2019 13:01

I read your OP (obviously) but I think I only just now realised that you've been with this man since you were a child. You honestly need to think about what you want from the future.

None of your posts portray anything other than a selfish and unpleasant man who doesn't value you or your contribution to your family.

Merryoldgoat · 04/04/2019 13:06

I'm just incredulous the more I think about it - the idea that he'd leave you the day after an operation.

My husband offers to take leave to look after me if I have a migraine!

Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 13:16

Yes merrygold, this is all I have known, I have always thought he was perfect but as I look closer, maybe I was wrong. Yes after my surgery, I couldn't speak for ten days after it, and only his sister offered to help me for the day, I would have had nobody.

I have no doubt if he was to list my faults there would be many, but I know I would be there for him if he is in need.

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 04/04/2019 19:14

This man is a prick, love. He picked you because you are/were quite vulnerable, and he thought you would be willing to put up with his selfishness because he's not 'abusive'. (This may well be on a subconscious level on his part, he may frame it to himself as you being 'gentle' and 'not a greedy hard-faced bitch' or whatever.) But he wanted a woman who would be compliant and dependent because she didn't know she deserved any better than second place in the family.
But you are tougher and smarter than you think. You've got a good job, you're earning good money and raising two kids with not much support from him: you could manage very well without him.
You might not want to leave him immediately, but what I suggest is trying to build up a network of friends (buy in that help with DC) and working out how you would manage without him in terms of housing and finance.

Cafeaulait27 · 04/04/2019 19:34

Why does he get to have hobbies without considering you or the children and you don’t get that? Sure you’re benefiting from his money but he’s massively benefiting in terms of free childcare (you). You should both get an equal amount of free time. And also some time spent together! X

Alsohuman · 04/04/2019 19:40

I really don’t see an 18 year old homing in on his first love because she was vulnerable and would accept his selfishness. It seems that everything was fine until children appeared on the scene.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 21:08

Alsohuman, it was to the extent that I had freedom, could do what I needed to do for me without any ties.

He would freely admit to wanting what he wants when he wants it, he had a very privileged upbringing, the golden boy.

So many times I have felt let down by him are flooding back to me, it is overwhelming.

Also, we are together so long, is it just a matter of time before the root sets in?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 21:53

Sorry typo! Rot!

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 04/04/2019 21:58

No this isnt about rot this is about him only ever thinking about himself. Fine when you are younger but not when you are a husband and a parent

I have been with my DH longer and the rot has not set in that way. Yes you get comfortable with each other and take each other for granted but not in that way

Ginger1982 · 04/04/2019 22:16

When you married him, did you know he would eventually inherit the farm? If so, then yes that was always going to be an issue if you weren't really thinking properly about what it would entail, if not then ignore the smug people on here.

You do however need to put your foot down a bit. You need to tell him that it's not acceptable for him to work full time, work on the farm, do hobbies and go out without working WITH you as a parent. They're his kids too.

BummyKnocker · 04/04/2019 22:19

Aside from providing money, what is the point of him?

Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 22:19

He asked me today about borrowing/using 50k savings to buy stock to build up the business! I was in complete shock, completely out of nowhere.

As the conversation progressed I said to him what if he dropped to 3 days per week in his day job, he said he couldn't do that, I said straight out is that because you dont think work would permit it or that you dont want to? He said he didn't want to, but would agree to additional days childcare on a Monday to free him up to work on the farm that day. I just give up

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 22:22

Ginger, yes when we married logically I knew one day he would probably inherit, however I didn't think about what that would look like. neither of us knew he would also inherit this young. This may sound ridiculous but it brings an added pressure to make a success of this, plus eventually my son, is next in line

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 04/04/2019 22:28

Ok, you need to SERIOUSLY consider if you want to continue this marriage. He sounds unbelievably selfish.

And your son doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to.

Tobebythesea · 04/04/2019 22:42

I feel for you OP. My DH works very long hours and I was trapped at home every night and weekend with DC. We had a talk and now he prioritises coming home earlier once a week so I can go out and do a hobby and we’ve increased childcare so he can do his hobby.

Motoko · 04/04/2019 22:43

At 22, you're not really going to think too deeply about the implications of your partner inheriting a farm at some vague point in the future.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 22:50

Tobebythesea, I am glad you have been able to negotiate your situation, it gives me hope! Was it difficult to get that compromise and has it remained consistent?

OP posts:
Original poster
user1471514421 · 04/04/2019 22:52

You are right motoko, I doubt most would and I didn't. I have always seen my dh as someone who saved me from my old life, from a very different path I could have taken

OP posts:
Planetian · 05/04/2019 00:08

I can relate to this somewhat OP. My DH works crazy hours as it is but during his weekends he also works in his family’s business. He hasn’t inherited the business so he doesn’t “have to” work there but he feels obligated and will probably benefit from it later on I suppose.

I on the other hand feel HUGE resentment over this. We are also mortgage free so I don’t care that it maybe/might/possibly benefit us financially down the line - I would much prefer he was a supportive partner and father (we have two DC under two and I’m left to do it all really) than more money in 10/20/30 years. Essentially we’re missing out on family time now on the premise that when somebody dies he might get money for all this work Confused it doesn’t sit right with me at all and is a waste of our live now and I think it will possibly end our our relationship eventually.

Sorry I’ve hijacked your thread with my rant! No advice I’m afraid - just solidarity Flowers

Planetian · 05/04/2019 00:11

Oh shit just saw it’s a farm 🙈 mine too! You’re Irish aren’t you OP?! Grin

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