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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - DH - my resentment

206 replies

user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 00:09

Hi first time poster, nervous!

Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.

We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.

Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.

I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.

Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.

Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts

OP posts:
YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/04/2019 12:42

I can see why he didn't want to sell the business. What a great excuse to be gone whenever it suits him.

Agree with PPs, you need to have a serious talk about how the next few years are going to work.

For what it's worth, I don't think he's a bad Dad. I know quite a few people (men and women - my own mother included) who just didn't get into their children when they were babies. Some people don't like babies and don't find them rewarding. He could yet be an amazing parent of school aged kids or teenagers. He might come good when the children can have a proper conversation with him, feed and toilet themselves etc. he might be amazing at maths homework and driving them to swimming practice at 5am. Don't despair in relation to the children yet...

...but do put your foot down in relation to yourself, your time, your partnership. YOU deserve better than someone having a constant excuse and leaving home like a house elf whenever it's suits him.

NoSquirrels · 03/04/2019 12:45

And look - try to appreciate the good stuff in the midst of the less-good too - plenty of men wouldn’t go to 4 days to spend it caring for their small demanding twins. That doesn’t make him special or anything, but it does mean he’s at least actively involved and engaged, which is good. You have further to go in the equality stakes but you’ll get there if you teamwork the solution.

Alsohuman · 03/04/2019 12:51

Brutally honest here, OP, from what you say, there isn’t the slightest hope that he’s going to shape up. He clearly has little or no interest in small children and will resent any effort to get him more involved. Equally you need some down time too. Given that money is the least of your worries, just buy yourself that time. A babysitter will allow you to get out whenever you choose. A cleaner will free up hours every week. That’s the way cash rich, time poor families work it. Just don’t do it all.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/04/2019 13:14

@NoSquirrels makes a solid point. He's agreed to go four days and has a day alone with the kids even though he finds it hard. More than so many other men (while obviously less than so many other women but we're not going to solve gender inequality in one AIBU). I don't think it's fair to write him off as not trying and hopeless. He's put himself outside his comfort zone here, it's just that the balance is wrong.

Maybe give up the Monday thing. Hire a nanny for that day and in exchange he agrees to be home with you all in the evenings and weekend. How flexible is the work for the family business? Could he do the bulk of it on the Monday instead and then free up the rest of his time?

Another idea if you feel guilty about the time the DC are spending away from parents, then I'd look at getting a mother's helper to be a pair of hands while you are home. They can do the grunt work, they will hopefully be a fun exciting presence for the children who will be distracted by their shiny novelty and therefore less grumpy and you will get to be around your children while escaping much of the grind of it all.

Settlersofcatan · 03/04/2019 13:21

I would not give up on the Monday thing. He is already pretty disengaged from his kids, he would lose all ability to look after them or connection to them if he stopped the one day a week he has them.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/04/2019 13:25

@Settlersofcatan fair point.

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2019 13:29

The problem is no amount of help is going to solve the real issue here which is how disengaged he is as a partner and a parent

Alsohuman · 03/04/2019 13:39

He's definitely disengaged as a parent (I wonder if deep down he really wanted to be one) but not so much so as a partner. OP does say he'd like more time alone with her on holiday.

Motoko · 03/04/2019 13:42

He finds doing anything with the children very stressful and 'not worth it'.

What the hell did he expect small children to be like? Or was it a case of he expected you, as a woman, to do all the work?

And what does he mean by "not worth it"? Fostering a good relationship with his children is not worth doing? Why did he have children, if he doesn't want anything to do with them?

I agree with a pp, he'll dig his heels in and refuse to do anything more. He'll turn it around on you, tell you that you're being ungrateful, use tactics such as being in a bad mood, to stop you from trying to discuss it, in the hope that you give up trying.

But you need to stand firm. You're not being unreasonable, or ungrateful. You deserve to be in an equal partnership. Your children deserve to have both parents raise them, without resentments.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 13:44

Quartz - you have nailed it. That is what upsets me. The business, it is a farm.

He is pretty disengaged and it is so hurtful. I suppose because I had an absent father myself, it is extremely important to me that is not replicated for my own children, obviously for contrasting reasons. For example, I recently had surgery, we were due to go to a wedding the day after the surgery, he still went, I had to arrange support etc. If the shoe was on the other foot, he wouldn't have to lift a finger. I have also just recently toilet trained my 19month old, with no support but extreme frustration from dh. Everything seems to be a problem, the disengagement I find so difficult as I am the opposite

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/04/2019 13:48

Oh, and I don't think parents (mostly men) should get a get out of jail free card, if they start engaging with their kids once they're older, but were crap parents in the early years.

If they're going to be parents, they need to put in the work from the beginning. Not palm it all off to their partner.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 13:49

Motoko- I think you dont realise fully what having children entails until you are already in it. Part of me believes he wishes he could turn back time, which is a devastating thought.

OP posts:
MrsJackman1 · 03/04/2019 13:50

Well, if you've got spare dosh coming in you can start salting some of it away for when you leave or kick him out because, let's face it, you may as well be a single parent.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 03/04/2019 13:51

Agree that the relentlessness of child rearing doesn't hit you until you have a child.

Thanks OP. That's awful about him going to the wedding without looking after you.

Have you thought about going to counselling with him?

Motoko · 03/04/2019 13:55

How is he kind, when he leaves you the day after surgery to cope on your own?

I've had cancer for the last 6 1/2 years. My husband has accompanied me to almost every single appointment, has taken on the running of the house, and does everything I need him to do for me.
He wouldn't have even dreamt of leaving me alone after any surgery to go and have a jolly day out.

That's what a "kind man" does for his wife.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 13:59

Yes, I suppose standing back from it it is unbelievable. He also went to the pub the following evening from 7 until 2am. I have thought about counselling, but he is not a talker, he will shut down

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/04/2019 14:01

So why did he have another child?

I understand it doesn't hit you until it actually happens, I've had 3 children myself, the first when I was only 19, but responsible people just get on with it. And it's not all relentless toil. Seeing your baby smile for the first time, hearing them laughing that deep, hearty laugh at something silly, watching their wonder at the world, are all lovely, precious moments that make all the hard work, worth it. And you know it will get easier as they get older and more independent.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 14:02

Motoko I am so sorry to hear you have cancerFlowers

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/04/2019 14:03

If he values your relationship, he should go.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Flowers

Motoko · 03/04/2019 14:04

Thanks. Smile

Quartz2208 · 03/04/2019 14:05

The business is nothing to do with it - running a farm is hard work yes and it does mean that you have to spend the hours doing it but him being a farmer disguises the real issue

Which is his time down the pub, his time with his hobby and he complete lack of support - which he covers by being a farmer

Floralhousecoat · 03/04/2019 14:12

He's not kind op. He sounds disengaged and passive, which is not the same as being kind. It's incredible he went to a wedding and then out drinking for hours when you'd just had an op.

If you left him it would be better for the dc for 2 reasons. Firstly, he would have to step up and do some actual parenting of his dc on his days (one hopes). So he would be more present for them. Secondly, your dc would not grow up learning damaging lessons about relationships.

Leaving him would also be great for you.

Original poster
user1471514421 · 03/04/2019 15:03

Yes floral, I have thought about that, he would be forced to step up, however i cannot imagine having to share my children, not seem them every day. I know I could manage on my own

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 03/04/2019 16:20

Do you think he'd actually want to see them? He sounds like he might be one of the types who'd rather pay the money and see them once a week for a couple of hours.

Has the realisation of how disengaged he is only just hit you? You started the thread with 'he's great, he'd do anything for us, he's a great dad' to 'he doesn't want to put in effort and I'm considering counselling' very quickly.

It just seems like a very fast turnaround.

BrazenHusky74 · 03/04/2019 16:46

Well done, you've gone from having a loving supportive husband to wanting to leave him.

You married a farmer. Farmers work 365 days a year, if you have livestock they don't give birth to a schedule to suit you. If you don't like it leave and let your dissatisfaction be a lesson to all others who consider marrying farmers.

I am a farmers wife and my husband had a day off in 2015, if we go anywhere we are late, everyone at school thinks that I am a single parent because my husband has never been seen.

I don't complain because I knew what I was getting into, my children are having a wonderful upbringing, financially we're doing OK and despite all of the shit I'm fond of the silly fool.

Decide what you want but don't let strangers decide your future.