Aibu - DH - my resentment

[user1471514421]

Hi first time poster, nervous!

Dh and I are married almost 6 years, together 14 years, since I was 16 and he was 18. Two beautiful DC, dd just turned 3 and ds 19 months.

We both work 4 days per week, 8 -5, we both restructured our working hours after my 2nd maternity leave to minimise outside childcare and allow us to spend maximum time with our DC.

Dh is involved in family business, which he is due to inherit in the next month, legal transfers currently on-going. This business requires Dh to work every evening varying in times from 1hour to several hours. He will also work the majority of every Saturday, 8 -2. Sundays he generally wont work but on occasion needs to. He also has a hobby which he attends two nights per week, after he completes his evening work. This will potentially also take place on sundays over the next few months.

I suppose I am wondering AIBU to resent his time away? I acknowledge he is working, not exactly down the pub, but I feel angry at times. I come in from work and do supper bath bed etc. Every night. I am tied to the house every evening and have no life outside my work and home. The expectation is that I am always here, he breezes in and out as such, however if I need to do something it has to be booked in advance with dh and reminders provided.

Just to note, my dh is a kind man and would give me the world. We have no mortgage, no financial concerns however at times I feel so constrained by the link to the business. There was an opportunity to potentially sell the business instead of inheriting, however this was not even an option in my husbands world and for me I find this difficult as my thoughts were not considered.

Sorry for the rambling, would love your thoughts

Planetian yes I'm Irish. You too?!

Thanks for you post, nice to know I'm not alone in the resentment boat! 2 under two, I remember that stage, not easy. Do you get a break at all?

OK, now you've disclosed what the family business is, it really helps with the context.

I understand why he wouldn't want to sell it. I also understand why he can't step back and employ someone to cover for him, and why he can't cut back on his hours in that business.

The income stream from farming isn't as stable as his existing full-time job, so a straight switch would have a real impact on your family finances.

Where is the farm in relation to you? Is he always going to be travelling there (is it far away?) or are you likely to move in? Are you physically capable of helping with the farm (I didn't want to assume)?

Realistically, I think persuading him to cut his hours in his full-time job is the best solution (I know you've tried). He can't cut back on his farming hours, you've already cut back on yours, and he can't ask you to give up your one job so he can have two. That's not fair if that's not something you want to do.

Getting a babysitter for you to free up your time wouldn't help tackle the resentment that will be building on both sides. You need to find a solution that enables DH to spend more time with the family, as that's how you both agreed to parent. If the farm can't go (and that's fair enough), it's his main job that needs to be changed.

Can you talk about DH dropping his hours with a view to eventually leaving his main job as he becomes more integrated into the farming business? Financially, would that work for you all?

You are both making life hard for yourselves.
He has a full time? Or at least 0.8 job and another job.
You have a full time job squeezed into four days.
You minimise childcare.
You don’t have a cleaner.
Yet you have the means to work less or pay out more.

STOP. Both of you.

Can he reduce his main job to do more farm stuff then? Can you reduce your hours instead of compressing them?
I work four days with the day off half mine for my hobby (a sport so also good for my health) and the other half extra time with ds.

If your husband isn’t doing any of the dinner, bath, bed bit or weekends then you doing it all isn’t making up for that. You’re still doing more care/bonding than most 50/50 parents so why not put the kids in nursery another half day and have a morning for you?

And definitely get a cleaner!!

claireblueskies, farm is close by, couple of mins drive. His family as part of the inheritance wanted to do a house swap, ours a larger 6 year old home, theres 50 years old in desperate need to renovation! Not a direct swap, I refused and so did dh!

It isn't possible to help, our DC are only 3 and 1, not possible to bring them along for safety reasons.

I haven't cut back on my hours, they are condensed into 4 days.

He simply refuses, up to this point to reduce his hours in his main job. It would be many years before the farm would be sufficient as a full time position

You’re flogging a dead horse.

You either put up with it or move on because he isn’t compromising.

You need to decide if you want that forever.

I’ve been with my DH 14 years - zero rot and we have 2 children, one with ASD.

Sorry I haven't read all the replies. I'm about to retire and I have sooo many regret that really are not the fault of my DH.
Things I don't regret

1. Getting a fabulous cleaner when my boy was younger. This allowed me to garden to my hearts content and not feel guilty and spend time with him and DH.
2. Get my mum to help with the kids (if possible) This allowed us all to bond. I would have asked the in-laws as well, if there were still here.
3. Work -part-time if work allows. I made Lego and played trains with DS (which I loved doing)

Regrets

1. Going back to work full-time and letting go of the cleaner. Okay, we needed the money for the extension and our car died. But couldn't I have been more inventive??

1. Coming home and being angry with my Mum, why?????

Mum was very elderly and wasn't coping. (this would lead to a long story)

1. Having a poor childminder. Good student family friend was top trumps, then her fab friend. Down hill with the next girl. Childminder was the worse. Then our elderly neighbour stepped in, wonderful but I should have had the time with him. Childhood is fleeting.
2. Saving money at every opportunity to spend time with DS.
3. Start and keep a hobby no matter what else is going on. No one will value your hobby, if you don't squeeze it in to your life.

Teach your daughters that their hobbies and sport are just as important as their male relative. Men go off to football, play sport, drink with mates while we cancel all the time to put other boring. Must dash.

Did he give an explanation as to why he wouldn't reduce his main job hours? Just RTFT and am sorry what you're facing OP. It does sound like the farm and the hours it requires are a red herring though, and the real issue is a lack of willingness to engage with the family which is so sad. It sounds like you need to put things in place for yourself, and not rely on him for that. You want an evening out on your own a week, cinema/yoga/whatever? Hire a babysitter. Be unapologetic about prioritising yourself, especially if your financial situation allows it. Make space for yourself outside of work, you absolutely deserve it.

Is the hobby very outing?

He wouldn't have an issue me spending money on childcare to have a hobby, he would be thrilled that he doesn't have to do it! I suppose that is the issue!

My daughter started play school this morning for the first time, 3hours. He took no interest in the preparation etc, but will engage I'd I prompt him to for e.g hey dh look at DC bag for school etc.

He works a 5min drive from the playschool, he never offered to come to see her go in etc, on her first day. Maybe I am being ridiculous but those are the things that mean so much

Plus it is so different only having one child for 3hours. The plan is my dd will go to playschool Monday and Friday so we can do drop off and pick up.

The hobby is fitness related, he wanted to play to maintain his weight as this is something he struggles with

I think you are getting lost in trying to analyse him when he is simply a very selfish man.

He does what he wants, when he wants, without regard to you or the children.

When you ask him to consider your needs he just point blank refuses.

He is an awful husband and a terrible role model for his children.

This is the stark truth. He won't change.

I think you will be very unhappy if you stay in this relationship because it's not really a relationship. It's one person facilitating the other to live a fulfilling and rewarding life by sacrificing their own needs.

I'm a farmer and I can totally understand both points of view. You're both on a mad exhausting rollercoaster. I will be pilloried I know but you seem to have a very idealised view of family life. Your DH is the golden boy and that affects his attitude. Solution- pay for extra help

Fairenuff you are right, I am analysing, what I do best, because I am grasping at anything to explain this and how I am here.

Derxa, can I ask you to expand on why you think o may have an idealised view of family life? This jumped out at me

The thing is, his disinterest doesn't affect just you, soon enough, the children will notice. I expect you spent time telling your daughter what a big girl she was getting, etc, going to playschool, Being excited for and with her, to allay any fears she might have. Buying her first school bag.

They'll start wondering why he doesn't play with them, or show any interest, and being children, will blame themselves.

Yes motoko, I did all of those things because I wanted to and enjoy it.

He does have moments that he plays with them and appears to enjoy it but on balance he would say doesn't

Derxa he's not a full time farmer. He works in a different job as his main job, and helps out on the farm on some of the evenings and part of the weekend.

He manages to spend some Sundays, as well as 2 evenings during the week, on his hobby.

It's not lack of time that's the issue, but lack of interest in his wife and children.

Solution- pay for extra help

Totally missing the point there.

Money isn't going to buy his interest in the children or care for OP's needs. It's not going to make him show respect for her or actually behave like a caring and supportive partner.

As far as he is concerned OP is already hired help. Throwing more money at this situation is not going to make her happy, it just makes her his personal assistant and reinforces in his mind his perceived right to selfishly do what he wants because he pays for it.

My daughter started play school this morning for the first time, 3hours. He took no interest in the preparation etc, but will engage I'd I prompt him to for e.g hey dh look at DC bag for school etc.

He works a 5min drive from the playschool, he never offered to come to see her go in etc, on her first day. Maybe I am being ridiculous but those are the things that mean so much
user these are the sorts of things I mean. My DH (not a farmer) was a very involved father and it wouldn't have occurred to either of us that these things were important. It may stem from your difficult childhood that you want your DH to be so involved.
As for looking after small children, if you've been dealing with livestock constantly with all their needs and wants they are another drain.
I wish you all the best.

OP, you’ve been with this man for nearly half your life. Until your children arrived you were completely happy, now they’re here he’s not as involved as you’d like him to be. You, quite rightly, complain that you don’t have as much down time as him but also admit that he’d be delighted to pay to rectify this.

All men aren’t the same, he can be a good husband and father while still not enjoying small children. If that’s the measure I was a rotten mother when my son was little, it was a chore. As he got older things changed. Once your children get older I bet they will for him too.

You’re being encouraged to throw the baby out with the bath water. Please think very hard before you do that because your husband doesn’t measure to a MN concert of ideal fatherhood.

Concept, not bloody concert!

You’re being encouraged to throw the baby out with the bath water. Please think very hard before you do that because your husband doesn’t measure to a MN concert of ideal fatherhood.
I agree Alsohuman. MN is obsessed with trying to get women to leave their partners on the basis of an internet thread.

dexra I don't think those things are idealised.

My dh took photos of them in uniform for first day of school, took time off to attend things like school plays, sports days and parent evenings. He bathed them every night and did the story/bedtime routine. He taught them to swim and ride their bikes. These sorts of things were a normal part of family life for us.

Now they are adults we both have much more free time and he can work late if he wants to or spend his weekends cycling or meeting up with friends. He doesn't need to be physically present here for them now and has lots of free time, just like he did before we had children.

It's not fair on OP or the children to just say, sorry, I have no time and even when I do I don't want to be with the children because they are young and boring. Why should she have to do all the drudgery on her own? Give me one good reason why he can opt out and she can't.

She can opt out. He’ll willingly pay for her to have free time.

Some posters are advising you to burn down the barn when you want to roast a pig (a special farming analogy for you OP).

You won't be better off if you leave your DH over this, things will be much worse. It's also a long term solution to a short term problem- in a few short years your kids will be completely different. They will be a lot less work, home life will be less needy, repetitive and monotonous.

It's not ideal or nice but lots of people don't enjoy little kids. That doesn't make them negligent or abusive or arseholes. It sounds like he is a hard worker in other ways so I don't think I even agree that he is lazy. He's also home one day a week with the kids- I dont know any men who do that! He is trying. See his good points, don't get caught up in the mumsnet pitchforks and torches.

Yes he should do his fair share, yes he should support you more and respect your contribution, yes you need to both communicate and work out something fair. But his flaws are not horrific fatal ones that condemn you to a miserable family life. You need to accept his strengths and short comings, talk to each other and work out a balance that will suit you both better.

I mentioned earlier downthread that my mum was a bit like your DH when my siblings and I were little. She just doesn't enjoy babies or little kids. She finds them boring and unrewarding. She loves her career and hated what she saw as unskilled menial labour in the home. She hired an amazing nanny and returned to work within a week of each of our births. My dad worked shorter days because he loved little kids, he did books bath bed every night. This was the 80s and everyone thought my mum was mad. But we honestly had a wonderful childhood. We all grew up to be happy and successful. We adore both our parents, and they taught us a great lesson about how all families are different and there is no right or wrong in these things.

Talk to your DH and work out something fair.

She can't opt out of parenting which is what he is doing.