Aibu thinking I can't carry on spending money I don't have

[Holidaylover]

Hi everyone

Looking for tips and advice please. I'm a sahm at the moment and will be for a while yet. My husband works very hard and earns just enough to pay for everything for us but there's not really much left over for luxuries after bills.
He gives me a set amount each month (he can't give me more) out of which I need to buy food, petrol, my phone bill and anything else I want. This combined with child benefit works out I can spend £12.40 a day.

My problem is if I was at work I would be busy working all day so no need to spend on things plus id be earning too. But being a sahm I am not working, thus not earning. I have on average 31 long lonely days a month to fill but no money to do anything.

The money I have only covers the food, petrol and phone. There is zero left for anything else.

How can I spend my days without spending any money at all? Any tips? What do other stay at home parents do? I walk the dog. See relatives. Or stay home 90% of the time cleaning, reading or on socal media which is extremely boring and each day is like groundhog day.

If I met a friend for lunch or coffee that costs money I don't have.
If I go shopping I can't buy anything, and even if I didn't buy anything I'd have to pay parking.
If I go to a gym or swimming id have to pay membership. The list is endless.

It doesnt help as a couple of mum friends at school are very rich and don't work and are out every day getting pampered or having lunch or drinking champagne in spas.

I haven't been to a hairdresser in 10 years. Never had nails done or anything like that. Never spend on myself. It's all getting very depressing

@Hohofortherobbers

Its my partner that doesn't think I should work more than me because it would be so difficult for us. He has a very senior position at work and is trying to climb the career ladder so we agreed I would run the home childcare etc and he would work.

If I was working even during school hours there are 14 weeks school holidays to cover. My husband and I don't get to see alot of each other and his holidays from work are precious to us as a family and we want to spend them together.

The puppy was gifted free to us, we have insurance and a vet plan.

I may have stated at the beginning that I was jealous of my rich friends and I want to be doing what they do. Of course I am. But even me going back to work on minimum wage a few hours a week wouldn't allow me to do any of that because I'd be at work instead and I wouldn't earn enough to live like that anyway. It's just me having a silly moan that's all. I accept my life's not like that.

Thanks again for your messages, I've writeen down all your suggestions. I don't need to come back on this post now as have been provided with lots of suggestions (plus quite a few negative responses as to be expected from mumsnet lol)

Sorry but how is your husband in a very senior position in work but you have £12 a day for all expenses. It is really not enough

But OP, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Don't you see that if you worked a couple of shifts during the school day, term time only, you'd fill some time as well as give you extra funds for your free days and to spend on the kids during the holidays?

I know term time only jobs are like gold dust, but by investing some time in volunteering at school or at a charity in the short term, you'll build up your prospects of securing a TA role or lunchtime assistant, or a casual bank worker for a charity or something else that fits with your family life.

I must admit, I'm quite jealous of you for having been a SAHM for 10 years and now being in a position where you're bored but not looking for work. I'd love 6 hours a day to myself to volunteer, learn, relax, do housework to leave evenings and weekends free, etc. But I do realise that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

If your DH is in a senior position then it doesn't add up that you have £350/month and he has nothing. Are you definitely being given the whole picture?

I mean I may be getting this wrong is it £12 after you have bought shopping, food, petrol etc.

He has a very senior position at work and is trying to climb the career ladder so we agreed I would run the home childcare etc and he would work.

How is he senior, payys for everything and give you all he can but you only have 12 pounds a day

Again, what will you do if you split up?

It’s an odd mindset to not see that if you worked very part time you would be better off and at least have a small amount of money if you wanted to get your nails done once a month or a coffee with a friend.

I do appreciate it’s difficult to work around school holidays but that is something all families face.

It’s my partner that doesn't think I should work more than me because it would be so difficult for us. He has a very senior position at work and is trying to climb the career ladder

Depressingly familiar.

Look, if he’s in a “very senior” position he either a) doesn’t earn enough or b) is not disclosing all his earnings to you or c) you have ridiculously high fixed costs. It doesn’t sound like he earns enough to afford the luxury of a stay at home partner now his DC are at school.

When you’re “very senior” you often have more flexibility than when you’re junior. And if men don’t step up to say they need to help with childcare issues then nothing will chdnge. He doesn’t want to. Does t mean he couldn’t. They’re different things.

Also - stop talking about minimum wage jobs. If you’re not going to work now, get started on training yourself up. You could have a great career too if you plan and train.

You can't have it both ways. Either sit about on your phone all day and have no money or get a job. There's no reason you can't get a job, you have excuses but not actual reasons. It would be nice for your husband too to be able to have a little disposable income seeing as he works all week.

There really are no answers that anyone can give that will please you OP.

Get a term time job - don't want to
Do some cleaning/ironing a few times a week - don't want to
Temp in term time - don't want to
Why did you get a puppy - was free (ahhh, the magical free dog)

Your husband is very senior but you have £12.50 a day? And he has nothing. That does not add up at all. You're not even paying for childcare and haven't done so for 10 years. If he's so senior you should've had some savings by now and be living comfortably

Do a term time job, agency cleaning. If you rang the local agencies you could start next week

It’s the ongoing costs of a dog that is the issue if you are so broke, not the initial cost.

loads you can do?

• ironing from home
• any part time job during school hours - the money you make will cover holiday clubs and there will be some left
• online training courses. loads are free.
• volunteering
• go for runs. there are free running groups around.

-

If you're anywhere near me and flexible with times I will do your hair free of charge. I can't pay for your colour but if I happen to have one in you like you're free to use it or you can buy one of the cheaper brands of colour with my wholesale card and use my peroxide. That offer extends to anyone who lives near me (Teesside area), is skint and needs a treat. I've been there. I know how shit it is to have nothing for yourself.

Yeah the ‘my husband is so senior that we need me to stay at home and run things’ is depressingly familiar. And clearly the dh isn’t in some mega bucks jet setting job anyway!

Dh and I are both professionals, in demanding careers, yet we’ve never taken the view that one of us needs to be home full time to run things. Granted, I only worked 3 days a week when the kids were tiny, but I returned to full time once the youngest was 4. So: 3 children, two quite demanding jobs and a home to run. Perfectly do able. We used childcare (and that costs a bomb when they’re pre- schoolers - at least you’re getting 6 hours a day ‘free’ while they’re in school.)

I’m in my mid 50s and only now beginning to think of dropping to part time, but that’s because I’ve got 30 years of a rewarding career and a pension in the bag. And even then I wouldn’t contemplate doing nothing... I’d definitely continue some type of paid work plus volunteering and joining groups. Just seems such a waste of a life to be bumbling along, having no money to do anything fun yet complaining that you don’t want to work (or that your dh doesn’t want you to work) .... goodness, stop existing and start living.

I was in the same position,I've recently started working as a lunchtime supervisor at the local school 12 til 1.3pm.Its £240 per month which helps a lot.It might be worth rknging round the schools there might be kitchen work etc.Be persistent,it could pay off.

Another one confused about how the wife of such a senior & important man can't afford to buy herself coffee or get a haircut.

Even doing some transcribing or some other work from home one day a week would give your family some spending money. You say his time off work is so precious to you, I'd think you'd want a bit of disposable income for those times so you can travel or visit the zoo or something.

Watching every penny must be exhausting.

If your earning potential doesn't change (you said you can only earn minimum wage) then you and your family are financially vulnerable. If you really don't want to work right now, at least look into an online course or something so you have more to offer the workforce when ever you are ready / forced to return to it.

Yeah the ‘my husband is so senior that we need me to stay at home and run things’ is depressingly familiar. And clearly the dh isn’t in some mega bucks jet setting job anyway!

I find theres often 2 scenarios here.

A, The husband is a lying cunt either lying about how senior he is as to opt our of home life. Or lying about his earnings

Or

B The woman doesnt want to work, totally their choice, and ties themselves in knots explaining why they couldnt possibly work. Whilst moaning about the downsides.

I have come across both in real life.

^What Jessgalinda said

This whole thread makes no sense. Board, lonely, poor. But can't POSSIBLY take on even any work, or any volunteering, because, you know, reasons.

You could take up matched betting. That is time consuming, flexible and would give you some cash. Win win.

Evening work in a supermarket is what most mums do around here. Even just one or two shifts a week.

Jessgalinda- after years of seeing this on MN I agree.

If a couple are genuinely both happy with one being sole earner and one not working then that’s fine and no one else’s business.

But when they’re clearly not happy (like the OP) but refuse to do anything to change the status quo, then frankly there’s not much anyone can do to help.

For every person who finds a reason not to work, there will be someone else in similar circumstances who does manage to work.
I doubt there’s anything any of us can say to help the OP because she’s already made up her mind about what she ‘cant’ do

OP you've had negative responses because your post makes no sense.

How on earth can your DH have the sort of role that requires a FT wife to facilitate but doesn't earn enough to give you more than £340 pcm?

Besides that how dare he dictate what you do?!

Why can’t you work? This seems an obvious solution to your loneliness and money problems.

I am a SAHM and I am always busy. Morning, afternoon or evening. We are a family of five. I can’t work FT because of childcare costs and logistics as we got no support.

There is always enough housework, admin, cooking, gardening, shopping etc. I work very PT from home, too. Then I can go to the gym etc as well. Once children are home after 3pm, I do stuff with them. So I am incredibly busy, late into the evening actually. Maybe I am doing it all wrong. Where is all this free time others are talking about, and enough of it to get bored?

Ignore them re the dog OP. For me the psychological / wellbeing aspects of having dogs and caring for them massively outweigh the insurance and pet food costs.