Aibu thinking I can't carry on spending money I don't have

[Holidaylover]

Hi everyone

Looking for tips and advice please. I'm a sahm at the moment and will be for a while yet. My husband works very hard and earns just enough to pay for everything for us but there's not really much left over for luxuries after bills.
He gives me a set amount each month (he can't give me more) out of which I need to buy food, petrol, my phone bill and anything else I want. This combined with child benefit works out I can spend £12.40 a day.

My problem is if I was at work I would be busy working all day so no need to spend on things plus id be earning too. But being a sahm I am not working, thus not earning. I have on average 31 long lonely days a month to fill but no money to do anything.

The money I have only covers the food, petrol and phone. There is zero left for anything else.

How can I spend my days without spending any money at all? Any tips? What do other stay at home parents do? I walk the dog. See relatives. Or stay home 90% of the time cleaning, reading or on socal media which is extremely boring and each day is like groundhog day.

If I met a friend for lunch or coffee that costs money I don't have.
If I go shopping I can't buy anything, and even if I didn't buy anything I'd have to pay parking.
If I go to a gym or swimming id have to pay membership. The list is endless.

It doesnt help as a couple of mum friends at school are very rich and don't work and are out every day getting pampered or having lunch or drinking champagne in spas.

I haven't been to a hairdresser in 10 years. Never had nails done or anything like that. Never spend on myself. It's all getting very depressing

I do understand that it's tough finding jobs to fit around school hours but it's definitely possible! Lots of shops, supermarkets, cafes etc would probably offer 10am-2pm shifts. Or is there any kind of work you can do remotely from home? I have always worked even when ds was tiny and even when I wasn't doing a lot of hours the small amount I did earn made a big difference.

The only way you're going to improve your situation is by finding some sort of work I'm afraid

Zero hours care contract.
Won't pay you much but you can give your availability and they will work round you.
Rewarding job and it will get you out talking to people for as many hours a week as you fancy.
You could do weekend mornings for example when your dh is at home with the kids, so as not to incur childcare costs.
But of extra money for you, and gets you out of the house. Job done.

OP I know you are looking more for free things to do, than extra money but £350 a month for food, petrol and whatever else it was for a family isn't very much, so it would make sense to see if you can increase this at all, by carefully checking your budget.

If you can increase your income in anyway, even if it's just by using Quidco for cashback, that's extra money in the pot. If you can also cut your costs a little by double checking everything you pay for, this might also increase the leftover money a little.

So using your time to become a whizz at budgeting is something free that you can do, and should increase your income. A good start is the Moneysavingexpert Money Makeover to systematically go through your finances to see where you can bring extra money in, or cut costs, both of which will have the end result of increasing your disposable income.

If you have to walk the dog anyway, could you do a bit of paid dog walking for a couple of other people while they are at work?

No chance of a bit of evening or weekend work while DH is at home with the DCs?

Acciocat, excellent posts.

Ignore them re the dog OP. For me the psychological / wellbeing aspects of having dogs and caring for them massively outweigh the insurance and pet food costs.

Ridiculous. The OP doesnt have the money. She may have insurance and a vet plan. However emergency appointments arent included on any vet plan and insurance doesnt cover everything.

Dogs are amazing. But when money is already tight, signing up to pay insurance and vet plans plus vet Bill's if something g bad happens, is not a sensible decision.

I really don't understand why you refuse to do ANY sort of paid work. Zero hours contract, self-employed, selling crafts online? Really, you can't do any of that?

Also, I'm not sure why you're looking up to women who quaff champagne at spas while their kids are at school. That's the stereotypical "desperate housewife" image and it's hardly aspirational...what happened to having ambitions and achieving things for yourself in life.

Is your dh controlling and won't let you work? When I was married to my xh he manipulated me to the point that I thought I couldn't work because he insisted that I was at home doing "wife work". This isn't the situation now.
Just a thought.

@HolyForkingShirt I guess she just wanted to whine 🤷🏻‍♀️ She doesn't seem interested in anything that would actually solve her problem.

Have you thought about a cleaning job. There are always peoplecrying out for cleaners. You can fit those sort of jobs around school hours.

Haven’t RTFT.

Your DC are at school so my advice would be this:
Either start a college course or open university course and train up as something well paid so you don’t need to slog away in MW jobs.
Or get a school time job I.e a TA or lunchtime attendant so school holidays aren’t an issue.

I went to uni and now work as a college teacher so I have all school holidays off, it’s great. Unsure what you’re really wanting to do day to day by yourself, I’d go crazy! So my top advice really is to study. Drop the second car for now as well, you can’t afford it.

Even if you got a job where the salary just about covered childcare costs, there are still several benefits: it stops your brain from atrophying, you may make meet new friends, you might enjoy the work, you are contributing towards a pension, and as the children grow older and need less childcare, you could be advancing in your career and keeping more of your salary..

If your husband decided to leave for another woman (not unheard of), you would be capable of supporting yourself and your family, rather than having been out of the workplace for so long that the best you can get is a minimum wage job and living hand to mouth or existing on benefits (good luck with that).

I suppose the alternative is to tell your senior level husband that he should become even more senior, and work even harder and longer hours to earn more money to enable you to be able to afford to do nothing all day but sip champagne with your rich friends in spas. Personally I can't think of anything more ghastly.

Can you sell things on eBay, local selling sites, plus will get you out to the post office in town, what about playgroup doesn’t cost much & meet other mums along the way (not sure how old DC are?) I’ve been a SAHM whilst my DH was looking for work (young parents zero help) & we lived on £104 a week benefits we had pennies left to last us the week it was so bad had no food (food banks didn’t exist then) I think I walked around the park every day & just walked into town hoping to bump into someone I knew!

I think I understand what you mean here but can’t help being surprised/frustrated at your attitude. There is nothing to stop you learning something in your spare time, doing some sort of qualification (many many are free) or getting some sort of job (either employed or by setting something up yourself) that you can do at home from your sofa using nothing more than a computer or phone.

I am afraid you come across as a bit lazy, very unimaginative and lacking in any ambition. I just could not cope with wasting my time in the way you seem to be.

Is the puppy a block to your working in the same way that your children were? Do you actually know how much your husband earns, ie have you seen his pay slip/bank statement. I’m very much hoping I haven’t just read an OP from someone who is a victim of coercive control. You sound socially isolated, another warning sign. Do you see your own family much? Forgive me if I have this totally wrong and you are just a bit fed up today xxx

"Or stay home 90% of the time cleaning, reading or on socal media which is extremely boring and each day is like groundhog day."

This is my day! But I also get books from the library and read voraciously, walk five miles a day in the countryside, do some house maintenance or decorating, help the family with things they need doing, cook and bake, clear stuff out and take it to charity shops or the dump, cut the grass and do the gardening. I don't have spare money to spend so I do 'free stuff'.

I remind myself that if I hadn't retired from teaching due to burnout I could be teaching bottom set year nine at the end of the day. I feel blessed.

Op - consider starting match betting, this will up your income, skills and fill some time and give you more easy £ to spend on doing things outside the house.

Ignore negative comments probably jealous of love to be a SAHM but we'd end up homeless! I did have the luxury of being SAHM until dd was 3 and so glad I did though it was really tough financially and I made what I could self employed. You have to do what's right for you

I don’t think that’s enough. It’s lower than many benefits.

I think you need to review whether the rent/mortgage or bigger expenses can come down and / or get part time work.

Or you could train the puppy? Maybe search and rescue volunteer, or just regular tricks, there is tons you can do with a dog for free!

Using your local library is free and they have all sorts of stuff going on. A lot free, others really cheap.
Volunteering ... charity shop, organisation, will get you out the house, you'll feel good about it, and you'll meet people.
Invite friends round rather than meet them in coffee shops.
Try out cheap nutritious recipes ... you've got the time and it will save you money.
Have a look at FutureLearn ... they offer a huge range of free online courses (called MOOCs) that might interest you.

You need to work. I work 4 evenings a week and one weekend day.i have 4 kids under 8. There is work out there. Try care work as it offers huge flexibility. I'm already planning on starting a dog walking business when youngest get to pre school next year so I can do some more of something I enjoy whilst earning. I think you need to to start looking.

What about being a teaching assistant? Midday supervisor doing lunch duty at your kids school? Midday supervisor is around £15 for 2 hours a day not great but better than nothing. Still get school holidays, interact with other people and bring a little money in.

Also, this time of year, being an exams supervisor could be an option. Your local secondary schools may already have recruited but definitely worth looking into even only for next year or mock exams in the autumn.

I have to say I am with the posters who are a bit aghast at the fact that you would get a dog if you have on money. Pets are expensive. And you don't need a dog to go out for a walk, you just need a little willpower.

And another vote for Futurelearn. The courses are free. If you do one you would like the certificate for maybe you've got stuff you could sell on ebay to cover the cost.

Oh and please get a joint account and get your husband's salary paid into it so you have full visibility on the finances.

How much are your housing costs? Are you living in a property you can't afford? Do you rent or do you have a mortgage? Any scope to reduce mortgage payment/extend term? Or move to a cheaper property?

I must admit op I'm very jealous of your £12.40 a day for food phone and petrol. I have lived off £600 a month for a long time, a single sahm of 2 children, after all bills paid and rent we were living off £100 a month for food, clothes etc. I don't drive and don't have tv so couple less expenses their. Things have improved slight the last few months so now have £4 a day to live off. But basically we look for free events and attend as many as possible, got to the park, arrange picnics in the park with friends, I bulk buy things that are on offer so works out cheaper over the month especially with the alternative milks we have to have due to dairy allergy and soya intolerance, we walk everywhere we can, cook from scratch even bread and treats. I'm very cautious with our energy use and currently spend £12 a week electric and £10 a month on gas. I shop for whoopsies and fill the freezer with these when I can, Can get a weeks worth of fruit, veg and meat for £5 for 3 people this way. To keep the kids occupied it's worth investing in craft supplies and can help break up the boredom for all of you. There are survey sites you can do from home and earn giftcards and paypal and you could use this to pay for clothes, days out ect. I've also used coupons for freebies or extremely reduced things like washing liquid. It is hard but it is very doable. Have you looked see if there is a better tarrif for your phone. moneysavingexpert is really good and you could see if there's something with a better tarrif and also see if you can save on other bills. Also do you qualify for warm home discount?

I think it’s £12.40 a day for everything including the food shop for the family!