Aibu thinking I can't carry on spending money I don't have

[Holidaylover]

Hi everyone

Looking for tips and advice please. I'm a sahm at the moment and will be for a while yet. My husband works very hard and earns just enough to pay for everything for us but there's not really much left over for luxuries after bills.
He gives me a set amount each month (he can't give me more) out of which I need to buy food, petrol, my phone bill and anything else I want. This combined with child benefit works out I can spend £12.40 a day.

My problem is if I was at work I would be busy working all day so no need to spend on things plus id be earning too. But being a sahm I am not working, thus not earning. I have on average 31 long lonely days a month to fill but no money to do anything.

The money I have only covers the food, petrol and phone. There is zero left for anything else.

How can I spend my days without spending any money at all? Any tips? What do other stay at home parents do? I walk the dog. See relatives. Or stay home 90% of the time cleaning, reading or on socal media which is extremely boring and each day is like groundhog day.

If I met a friend for lunch or coffee that costs money I don't have.
If I go shopping I can't buy anything, and even if I didn't buy anything I'd have to pay parking.
If I go to a gym or swimming id have to pay membership. The list is endless.

It doesnt help as a couple of mum friends at school are very rich and don't work and are out every day getting pampered or having lunch or drinking champagne in spas.

I haven't been to a hairdresser in 10 years. Never had nails done or anything like that. Never spend on myself. It's all getting very depressing

Running is free, I'd run more but got to earn too. You could do couch to 5k with your dog.

@Hohofortherobbers
OP says she doesn't want to earn money but her dh hasn't any extra to spend on himself as he's single handedly funding the whole family Seriously OP, start contributing

^A very fair point

Even if all you can earn at the moment is minimum wage, you will still be better off working. You and your dh will each be entitled to annual leave. Take some of it separately to cover a chunk of the school holidays. You only need childcare for before/ after school and whatever school hols you can’t cover. You will definitely make money overall. Do the maths. Yes, you might find August you pay out more than you earn but over the year you won’t.

It is no fun for the main breadwinner to work so hard to support the family and then have to come back to austerity. Not saying it is fun for the OP either but I wonder what is stopping OP from actually going out and earning some money for treats.

OP has not answered my question about whether they go on holidays yet.

OP is 'contributing'. She's keeping the home and family together and caring for her children when they're not at school (including when they're ill).

How about when they are at school?

I am the opposite, I dream of having the time to:
enter a half marathon
go for walks
join a book group
learn to crochet
pick up a piano on freecycle and learn to play it
learn a language
join Homestart and help young families
write a book
contribute to a local paper
volunteer in a charity shop
start a blog or online business
I could go on...

@Holidaylover it sounds like you are a little sad and a little lost. You've been enjoying the peace since September and now it's lonely. Almost like part-time empty nest. Part-time = school time.

IMHO you need to reframe this. You have time, time is such a luxury. There's SO much you could do and most of it needn't cost a penny.

There's some great ideas already. Take some time to choose and then really commit. You might find you do something that leads to a passion, a talent, a hobby, paid work.

Time is valuable, please use it wisely for you and yours.

You could use your time to make money either through a traditional job or working for yourself from home.

What are your skills, OP?

You say you can only earn minimum wage now. Do you ever plan to return to the workforce? What is the plan for the long term? Are you going to be dependent on your husband's income alone forever? It doesn't sound like fun.

If you can only command minimum wage, then I suggest using this spare time to up-skill. Do a course or start off in a better paying field so that when you are ready to return to the workforce, it will be worth your while.

"I haven't been to a hairdresser in 10 years. Never had nails done or anything like that. Never spend on myself. It's all getting very depressing"

Time to invest in some self care OP! Havr a soak in the bath and watch some YouTube videos about how to do your own hair and nails? Or check if your local college has a training salon? The one near me charges £5 for a cut and blow dry and £3 for a manicure.

How old is your puppy? Training and walking him/her should take up a couple of hours daily.

You could learn to do gel nails and then charge £20 a time to do mobile nails. Chat to your clients and get out of the house.

So you don't want to work, no matter if it fits in with school hours so no childcare costs, and despite the fact that you're bored and don't have enough money to pay for anything.

You want ideas of activities that will keep you amused through the day but not cost anything.

Sorry I have no suggestions except working to earn a bit of money to allow you to do things on non work days that interest you. Back to the drawing board.

Yep I’m with @SilverySurfer on this one....

As you've a dog - see if you can do a bit of dog walking. Taking just 1 extra dog with you would make plenty of ££

I’m with SilverySurfer as well. Without even a small amount of money to spend every day it is existing not living.

Things to do.
Invite a friend for coffee.
Make a regular date with friends for tea and biscuits at each other's houses on a regular day each week.
Play scrabble online.
Paint, or do something arty. YouTube has lots of tutorials.
See if there's a puppy group you could walk with.
Play cards, scrabble, mahjong etc weekly with friends.
Bake.
Join the PTA at school.
Join a community FB group.

Sounds like you need adult company. Bite the bullet and put a message out to friends arranging a dog walking group or coffee morning. I'm sure there are lots of people around that feel the same as you. Admit you're going a bit stir crazy and even if just one person responds that's a start. I did exactly that a few years ago.......announced on our local FB group I was spending too much time alone and did anyone want to join me to walk 3 mornings a week. 4 people showed up all looking as reticent as me. We then grew to around 15! Now around 8 of us still meet every weds and take it in turns to host whatever we want (coffee, lunch, wine) at our homes. And we have a WhatsApp group for walking daily. So people pick and choose if they want to join each day.

Some of these "money making" suggestions have me laughing... especially growing and selling herbs! I can only think of one type of plant which would make a good profit...

I read non fiction about scientific topics that interest me. It's great because it provides a lot of mental stimulation. It's nice when my husband comes home from work and tells me about his day, and then I can start explaining what I've learned about exoplanet detection that day. You don't feel like the nobody who didn't do anything interesting that day.

I also bake all of our bread, cakes and pastry products from scratch. Once you get into it it's quite fun, it tastes so much better than shop bought and it saves you loads of money. You essentially just pay for a bag of flour and some yeast and that lasts you for ages.

I also garden which doesn't cost much. You can get a packet of seeds for pennies. Once things start to grow you are just watering and pruning which is free.

Do you like walking/hiking? That always makes me feel better if I'm getting fed up with being at home.

@purplepears your walking group is very impressive. You should be very proud!

You’re just existing - not living.

Often, a big part of what makes us strive as human beings, rather than just accepting the status quo, is the need to do so. Often that’s financial, but it’s other factors too: the need to maintain good mental health, the need to utilise the skills we have, the need to feel we are useful members of society, the need to maintain a balanced and fair relationship with our partner.

It sounds as though you’ve completely lost your way with this, to the extent that you’ve become self centred. Maybe not intentionally, but self centred in the genuine sense of the word- your only concern is how to fill the days in a way which makes them less dull for you.

There have been so many suggestions here about what you could do. Volunteering would be a way of looking outwards rather than just inwards, and would have the double effect of helping others while undoubtedly giving you a sense of self worth too.

And I still think working needs to be part of the picture too, because it seems very unfair on your dh that he’s shouldering total financial responsibility and you’re not even enjoying that fact. He’s working hard yet not having the luxury of treats and all those little things which make life nicer.

As I pointed out, with 2 school age children, even a minimum wage job will leave you better off. You can cover a chunk of school hols with annual leave, and the remaining childcare you’d need would be less than you’d be earning, if you look at the income and outgoing over the year. And presumably you wouldn’t be expecting to stay in a minimum wage job forever... you work your way up, develop your skills .... no one lands a brilliant high flying job out of nowehere. You put the work in and develop your skills. And that can be really satisfying: knowing that you’re doing something useful and also sharing the financial responsibility with your partner.

Just seems such a waste to be existing while your family are getting on having productive days, your children learning in school and your dh working, and you’re there at home with the luxury of time yet not enjoying it or using it productively.

I would love someone to eBay my stuff for me, for a % that made it worth their while.

It is easier surely to make a bit of cash and then be able to afford a coffee out?

Jigsaws, crafts, dog walking.

In your situation I'd start volunteering or get a part time job. Both give you access to other adults so new friends and the extra money can be used for haircuts, treating your husband, holiday clubs.

Why don’t you do some volunteering? Lots of people on this thread have recommended it as a way to spend your time, meet likeminded people and (hopefully) contribute something to society? But you haven’t responded to the suggestion?

I helped run my DS’s playgroup for years, even after he had left & was at school, that was really fulfilling & made me use loads of different skills. You say you enjoyed spending time at M & T groups so maybe this would be something to consider?

Thank you @Etino
A bike riding group started too as an offshoot.
Sometimes it just takes a bit of courage.

Puppies are SO expensive. But it's done now. I'm sure the friends you would have coffee with would be just as happy to meet you for a lovely (free) dog walk?