Aibu thinking I can't carry on spending money I don't have

[Holidaylover]

Hi everyone

Looking for tips and advice please. I'm a sahm at the moment and will be for a while yet. My husband works very hard and earns just enough to pay for everything for us but there's not really much left over for luxuries after bills.
He gives me a set amount each month (he can't give me more) out of which I need to buy food, petrol, my phone bill and anything else I want. This combined with child benefit works out I can spend £12.40 a day.

My problem is if I was at work I would be busy working all day so no need to spend on things plus id be earning too. But being a sahm I am not working, thus not earning. I have on average 31 long lonely days a month to fill but no money to do anything.

The money I have only covers the food, petrol and phone. There is zero left for anything else.

How can I spend my days without spending any money at all? Any tips? What do other stay at home parents do? I walk the dog. See relatives. Or stay home 90% of the time cleaning, reading or on socal media which is extremely boring and each day is like groundhog day.

If I met a friend for lunch or coffee that costs money I don't have.
If I go shopping I can't buy anything, and even if I didn't buy anything I'd have to pay parking.
If I go to a gym or swimming id have to pay membership. The list is endless.

It doesnt help as a couple of mum friends at school are very rich and don't work and are out every day getting pampered or having lunch or drinking champagne in spas.

I haven't been to a hairdresser in 10 years. Never had nails done or anything like that. Never spend on myself. It's all getting very depressing

Or maybe look at an evening/weekend job, assuming husband is happy to take over the childcare?

In what world is £350 a month for food, petrol and luxuries enough...

Volunteering would have been a good answer, if it weren’t for the madness of a puppy!

Sorry i'm always confused when people say they cant find school time work, there are always jobs in the care industry and if self employed you can do a lot of hours in between school hours and normally get paid a good £9-12 per hour.

I am 7 months pregnant and have a 8 month old baby and yet i still work a minimum of 5 hours a week caring for a lady , i've always found care jobs and normally its just for an hour or 2 at lunch time and an hour in the morning or afternoon.

You could also offer cleaning services alongside care services.

I have been a sahm for 3 years now (DS in school, but I had health issues + childcare was a pain in the arse).
Here's a list of what I keep myself occupied with (regardless of costs)

• cooking/baking/cleaning/house stuff - DH wfh, but when he's not around it's a party with music and singing :) otherwise it's just boring.
• knitting (a lot)
• reading
• walking
• swimming/gym
• climbing/bouldering
• playing boardgames - there are a lot of them that have solo mode. And I am an avid gamer
• playing online (ok, I'm not too proud of this)
• spending way too much time on reading up on politics/news.
• I've been doing coursera courses, 1-2 every term
• painting/creating stuff

and then come the 2 cheats:

• planning holidays we never go on
• planning a wardrobe which I would never wear (fall back on black tee and jeans) or would actually want to shop for.

But these two are not everyday things, more like once a term I get carried away.

on costs...
knitting: there are a lot of knitters who would happily send you some yarn from their stash they will never use. FB has loads of groups
painting: i use my son's stuff that accumulated over the years. Have bought new things, but they are very specific for a project and not used all the time
coursera courses are mainly free, you would only have to pay for a certificate. I never do as it's not for show, but because of interest

I have a day off in the week🎒. I walk the dog. I visit my 90 yr old gran and my parents. I then go to my friend’s house and drink her tea. Day gone.

Surprised you're not at all interested in anything that would earn you any money at all (which doesn't have to be work) given how tight things are. But if you're really not up for that, I'd suggest volunteering. Could give you a way back into the workplace when you're ready too, and would be a way to get some adult contact. What are your interests?

Mystery shopping is a good way to earn a few quid here and there.

Quick summary of what I did as a SAHP who was not allowed to work due to visa issues. I wasn't on a tight budget but the vapid spa day / lunch with the ladies stuff was boring to me so I:

• signed up for adult education classes of various kinds, many were online only so no need to leave my house and incur childcare costs

• volunteered, in a role that was mostly work from home based doing writing and communications so again no need to pay for childcare

• took up running. Never thought I was the running type but enjoyed it once I got into it and it is FREE unlike sports such as tennis, golf etc. It was also great socially because I got to meet people on group runs

• joined some book clubs, both a social outlet and can be totally free to participate as long as you borrow the books from the library and don't buy them

You have school-aged kids so you have even more freedom to get out during school hours and volunteer or take up a sport. I would definitely recommend taking up a new hobby like running, crafts, hill-walking, swimming, whatever floats your boat. Good luck!

You could get a 9-5 job, our breakfast club and after school club come to £10 per day so £20 for 2 dc so if you did a full time job at min wage it would give you £37 after childcare per day. Take your lunch to work to avoid extra costs. If both you dh get 25 days holiday each then that is 10 weeks of the 13 weeks covered, yes holiday club would take your wages for that 3 weeks at min wage but there would be no school club to pay for for 10 weeks so it would even out.

Childminding. Dog walking ironing cleaning gardening lunchtime supervisor.

I hope your puppy is insured.

12.60 a day is fine, a couple of days of no spending you've got £30 for a nice lunch out or something.

Alternatively look for a job.

I'm not going to suggest things based on my own (divorced) situation as an unemployable and penniless SAHM - but I'm thinking of my own DM.

She filled her time with:

Our animals (dogs, plus extras)
Her mum and sisters
Gardening/growing food
Painting
Music (played instruments)

I also did a lot of these things, but I needed friends more than my DM did.

This filled up an awful lot of time, and she had about 6 hours to fill every day between dropping us off and collecting us from school.

My own SAHMing improved immeasurably once I had friends with DC the same age, and we could just drink coffee at one another's houses for free. I still do this now (no money at all) and the DC are about to leave home. We also meet in the evenings at one another's houses for Tesco pizza.

I don't think my DM was bored, and I have certainly never been bored. Just pissed off at my lack of money.

I am glad that social media didn't exist when my DC were small, as I might easily have fallen down that depressing rabbit-hole. As it was, it didn't exist. Thank God.

What about zero hours contract work? You choose and accept work when it suits you. You can have the whole summer off as you're not an employee. You can accrue holiday pay too.

Do you have any small sunny outdoor space, like a windowsill? If you do, I would suggest you go spend two days discretionary money on some seeds, a bag of seed compost and propagating pots, and nurture herb seedlings (like people spend anywhere between 80p and £1.50 at the supermarket...) start with basil, coriander which are delicate, temperature sensitive but profitable, and move on with other herbs. People/I spend a fortune on fresh herbs, and plants, and selling them was really successful for a neighbour. He had land and poly tunnels, but he told me that his herb seedlings were by unit the most profitable part of his year's (very hard, hot) work. This idea may not work for you because you need an honesty box where customers just drop payment into a tin.Where I live, they are commonplace, everyone pays (sometimes I leave a signed IOU and go back next day) and it's pretty unusual to have money stolen. But I can see that it might not work in an environment where anonymity is normal. In which case, file this as useless drivel!

Hi OP,

I think you need fresh challenge and purpose.

I'm really pleased that your new puppy is providing you with companionship, but I think you sound like you are lacking purpose IMO now your DCs have gone off to school?

Is there any volunteering that you are interested in? That would be really good for your CV as well and give you a sense of satisfaction? There is telephone befriending you can do with some charities I believe - so you could stay at home and be with your puppy while you do that if that's more convenient for you?

I am interested in doing some newspaper delivering or leaflet delivering as a 'pocket money job' as well when my children go to school. Usually you just get a window of a day or a week to deliver them and you can choose times that fit in with childcare etc. Maybe you could look for a little job like that if you would like to work now?

Re. budgeting in general. Could you try and challenge yourself with this? I wonder if you could try and break the pattern by being more frugal for a three of the weeks in a month, and then having a 'treat week' for one week a month where you can spend the money you've saved through the rest of the month to buy little luxuries, or to treat yourself to a few coffees out with a friend or a haircut?

Are you interested in reading? You could set up a book club with any of your friends who are like minded and host at each others houses?

The tip about local colleges for hair and beauty treatments is also good.

You need to find some things for you. Think about what you would like to do and who you would like to be. It's your time to be inspired and enjoy this next chapter of your life.

Previous to that I had children with me 24/7 for 10 years.

How does that work then? Did you home school?

If so, why not retrain as a primary school teacher, or assistant?

I agree. Getting a puppy is not the best move to forward your life...

Wow, some snotty responses here from people who've only half-read the original post.

Paid jobs at school sound like a great idea but these can be quite competitive, particularly if you're in a place where there is only really one local primary school, as there will be other mums in a similar situation. You could enquire at your kids' school about possibilities for volunteering, whether that's PTA, listening to kids read... there may be other possibilities. I am a parent governor and my kids' school really needs more of us, but I'm aware that in other schools particularly in wealthier areas, there may be no vacancies or you might need to stand for election. If there is something like that that is possible, you can acquire skills and references for when your childcare expenses come down, eg if you're having to pay for more than one now but not forever - I'm guessing that there are 5 years or so between your oldest and youngest child from what you say about being at home for 10 years.

Where I live we have several local FB groups eg Parents, Tidy Up , and I campaigned to keep our Children's Centres open and for our main library in the area not to be wrecked - mixed results but things would be much worse than they are now if no one had campaigned against the changes. We also have Library and Park Friends' groups.

You could set up a reading group based on the sort of books you like reading and try to meet in the local library or in members' homes if you get a response.

I would spend as much time outdoors as possible, bike rides, walking, gardening.

I'd also love to have time to keep the house nice and keep on top of things like sending birthday cards on time etc.

If I had 9-3 free every day and money was tight I'd definitely want to do a bit of work in that time. If you worked for two of the days it would give you a little cash to spend on the other days?

Copy-typing, ironing, dog walking etc.

Walking, walking, walking. Lots of great walks online. I do this daily, min 5 miles up to 15 (4.5 hours).
Grab a back pack, water bottle and a snack. If dog is a puppy then don’t take it just yet!
It sounds as if you are more lonely than anything else. So join the PTA? Volunteer at a women’s centre/online/telephone centre to help others?
Work in a charity shop?
Online courses that are free?

Join a running club?

Clean, take in ironing, write a book. There is SO much you just need to think outside the box!

Make or collect stuff and sell it on etsy

Are you creative at all? I know you said you didn't want to make more money but you could combine a new hobby with earning. I know there are frequently threads taking the mick of of facebook marketplace tat but you could make stuff to sell.

Weddings are big business- I paid a lady an extortionate amount for a cake topper- you could do pegdolls/modelling
I know people who have paid hundreds for walls of hanging origami cranes
If any good at graphic design make invitation designs
Bake wedding/birthday/cupcakes
If any good at illustration the can sell them on etsy, or do bespoke ones to order, or make cards
You could get furniture from british heart foundation and sand & paint it - 'upcycle' it
Do a bit of joinery and make wine racks
Learn/improve sewing skills -you'd make a killing around world book day
Knit babywear
Learn a language online, get a penpal, attend local college etc to aid this
You could grow your own produce

Damn, wish I was at home now!

You have kind of shackled yourself with the puppy. It gets in the way of lots of possibilities. I think you might have to lower your expectations about coffees out and so on. Most people don't do that more than once a week or so. Long term, I couldn't do it, I'd need a plan for how I could challenge myself and get earning.

OP says she doesn't want to earn money but her dh hasn't any extra to spend on himself as he's single handedly funding the whole family. Can you imagine this if it was the dh writing? Poor me, 'I'm bored' , 'not enough money' , 'not feasible to work'. He'd be called a cocklodger in no time. Seriously OP, start contributing

There is so much to be done without spending money, but opening your mind to earning some will open up more than your purse.