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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel cinema trip?

199 replies

goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 10:25

So were really going through it at the moment with DD.

A lot has changed recently with her, shes going through puberty, so were sort of trying to stop babying her, but shes really not being very good at the moment.

Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left. No shopping trip together. I was a little bit upset, but thought I don't want to ruin this for her or me, I'll go off for a walk around myself. I saw her several times, and she completely blanked me.

I got a call a bit later to take her friends (they gained another friend in town) I'd calmly explained I thought it was a trip for us to talk and shop together without her dad. I just got a stern OK and folded arms.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends, I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms. She started saying I'd lost a bracelet of hers when I cleaned her room...mumsnet, I'm telling you all I didn't touch or see it. She then went quiet.
My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it. It's an ongoing joke that every time I go past a travel agency I book a holiday, so was joking that I could run to a travel agency nearby and book next years holiday (see it is a joke because we don't have a holiday for next year planned yet!) She started to grab at me and before I knew it, she had slapped me around the face. I was really upset with her, quite shocked because we don't even play like that so her insistence she was playing wasn't even understandable to me.

Then last night she said to me, don't worry about tucking me in tonight, I'll put myself to bed, so I'm thinking theres something upstairs she doesn't want me to see. So I take her up to bed, and I realise her bathroom door is closed. Unlike her as she likes the bathroom door open and the light on, so theres a little bit of light in her bedroom.

Her bathroom is a complete shit tip. Mumsnet, I don't know how she managed it, but there are full on blobs of conditioner all over the bath, the sink is smeared with nail varnish, the toilet is full of loo roll and there are clothes all over the floor.

This morning she refused to get ready for school, she took an hour and a half to put on a top and leggings- forgot to shower (despite being told 3 times this morning!) She was "ready" 10 minutes after we should have left. She had her shoes in her hand, jumper wrapped around her waist, and she didn't "need" a coat. She told me she would put shoes on when she was in school. So I said, no way, you put your shoes on IN this house. You put your jumper on, and your coat too. We are late, so do it quickly. She huffs at me and rolls her eyes.

I cancelled her trip to the cinema tonight with her friends.

I feel like an absolute cow, because she went into school crying, but I'm actually refusing to take her and 3 friends to the cinema, pay for their tickets and sweets, to then take these children home after, to continue to have our home, and me treated this way.

I'm sorry this is so long and massively detailed, but I just need to vent a little bit.

I know the shopping trip is just 11 year olds not thinking, but i just feel like the way she went about it showed there was no respect at all for me. She could have said, I'd prefer to just go with a friend. It would have saved me waiting around, and a trip to town I didn't even want!

OP posts:
Original poster
goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 16:51

Cheshire, I'm 100% it's that. I bet shes a bit like, I wont put that up straight! Haha, but whilst im trying to get better, I really owe it to her to try and not ruin it for her. I have to let her have her space as her own.

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 02/04/2019 16:55

Explain to her you're having none of this nonsense, and she's grounded until she can become a reasonable polite human being again.

This ^

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 17:00

Her 'expectations'? How about her 'polite requests'?

She really does seem to feel she has equal status and say in the family unit. I'd be making it damned clear to her that she most certainly does not.

At the moment, in fact, given her recent behaviour towards me, she has very, very, VERY little.

TinselAndKnickers · 02/04/2019 17:08

I've only skim read so apologies if I've missed a chunk but how can her slapping you lead to her writing a list of 'expectations' Shock

CheshireChat · 02/04/2019 17:11

mbosnz whilst it's not a democracy, she should be allowed to say if something's bothering her or she wants a specific privilege. Then as a parent you set that as a goal by laying specific expectations.

If she's bratty about it or unreasonable, the OP can simply refuse.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 17:15

She can certainly say if something is bothering her. Or if she wants (to earn) a specific privilege.

But that is 'a say'. A polite request. Not 'an expectation'.

As you say, it's not a democracy.

She seems to have no actual insight into just how seriously bad her behaviour has been, or that there could be serious and severe consequences as a result.

(The only expectation my kids would have after such a sequence of behaviour, was that they'd best not have any expectations of anything much good for quite some time - until their behaviour had been apologised for, and markedly turned around).

billybagpuss · 02/04/2019 17:16

Has she apologised for the slap? that is the main problem, all the rest is just growing up and making silly mistakes.

CheshireChat · 02/04/2019 17:18

Maybe I'm reading the OP's post the wrong way, but I assumed it would be a family meeting where she'll be told the consequences for her behaviour (1 month's punishment, plus removal or nail polishes and that).

That's not optional.

But she's also allowed to bring up what's bothering her and to be listened. And then maybe some changes can be earned.

Bookworm4 · 02/04/2019 17:25

A list of her expectations? Jesus wept!! After her atrocious violent behaviour her only expectation should be is that she's still breathing??
This where you're going wrong OP; giving her choices and putting her on an equal level to her parents; she is a child, she will be given boundaries and has to follow them, I dread to think what's she's going to be like at 14.

cestlavielife · 02/04/2019 17:32

You going to work is a good thing. You need your own life too.
Sometimes make time to.go.out together Let her talk. Listen. You don't want her bottling things up.

Freddiesfling · 02/04/2019 17:34

I admire the way you are trying to deal with the issues you and your daughter are facing.. not everyone can be so honest. No child is perfect but your daughter is definitely showing a lack of respect for you and for your home... you should nip this in the bud before it escalates and I can see you are really trying to deal with it which is great. One thing though you seem to think being a helicopter parenting means that the child gets more discipline when I don’t think this is necessarily true, I’m very relaxed in the sense that my children are giving a lot of freedom but I would class myself as a fairly strict parent who sets a lot of boundaries for them and don’t give them too many choices. Don’t let her have too much control.. children feel safer with boundaries and rules.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 17:35

OP, one thing I hope you get across to her loud and clear is that no matter WHAT, she does NOT hit or otherwise assault a person, not her mate, not her teacher, and most CERTAINLY not her mother. EVER.

That what she did was a violent and criminal act, that if she did it to someone in school she could be permanently excluded for, and if she did it to another person in the street she could be held criminally accountable for. And that you being her mother makes it worse, if anything, the person who loves her, cares for her, and provides for her.

That this must never happen again. Ever.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 17:36

(Unless it's in self defence, of course).

Hoppinggreen · 02/04/2019 17:36

I often point out to my DC that they live in a Benign dictatorship not a democracy
She’s 11,still a child. Stop treating her like a mini adult

SunshineCake · 02/04/2019 17:37

I think I might have the book a PP mentioned if you'd like it.

Please listen to all the good advice. My 15 year old daughter has really upset me this week and for different reasons to you we've let her get away with stuff. Sort it now for all your sakes. Good luck.

BTW a mask from Homebase would have protected her from cleaning fumes…

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 17:44

LOL hoppinggreen, yes, 'this is not a democracy', that it's a (usually) benevolent dictatorship is a familiar phrase with our kids, too.

Starlight456 · 02/04/2019 18:42

I am also wondering if she w apologised for the slap. I would be very clear it is completely unacceptable and never happens again .

I am also if the opinion a punishment that lasts a month is pointless . Far too long .

However I would expect a change in attitude to restore previlidges .

ChoccieEClaire · 02/04/2019 18:48

You're trying to give her independence, let her be out with her friends without you and yet still tuck her in?
I would make her clean her own bathroom, she will soon realise that making a mess isn't worth the work it take a to clean it.
The slapping is not okay and you need to make her understand that that will not be tolerated.

Original poster
goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 19:09

Trying to keep up, I promise!
Cheshire cat has it, I have worded it to her as her demands, same as ours, but followed up with, then we can discuss. The intention is to discuss everyone's, sort of allow her to realise she is listened to, and heard, but that the decisions are ours, like they have always been, except for those which are her personal boundaries, IE privacy etc which will always remain hers and be respected

Will also rehash the slapping incident. Shes seemingly sticking to story of messing around. It is important for her to understand that she is of an age where she can be arrested if she does this again, and honestly, I do mean this if she hit me again, I would report her to the police because shes had her chance. I really hope it doesn't come to that I'd hate to be in that position.

Shes back to her normal self tonight. No attitude. She was taken with something at the shop. I said, put it back, you'll have nothing whilst you're behaving the way you have.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 02/04/2019 19:16

The thing is was she laughing while she did it, it sounds like she was having a cob on her about you getting a bracelet (from her for mothers day) and her blaming you for having lost hers !! So it doesn't sound like it was in jest.

And if one person doesn't find it funny its not a joke and an apology is due.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 19:22

So, has she apologised, or not? Because, whether she 'meant it' as a joke or not, she needs to apologise. Not funny. Totally unacceptable. Needs to be owned and acknowledged as such before any further discussions could ensue, as far as I would be concerned.

I hope it doesn't come to that too. I had a friend I was studying with, who broke down in tears at lunch at uni one day. Her 12 year old daughter had dragged her mother around the kitchen by her floor, her mother with a physical condition that made her vulnerable. We were studying family and criminal law at the time. Cue a discussion about what would happen if she ever raised so much as an eyebrow at her mother again.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/04/2019 19:51

Even my 8 yo knows slapping on the face even in jest (?!) is unacceptable. Nah, she knew that when she was 3 yo so I’m shocked an 11 yo would do that. It being a joke is clearly a cover story, she wanted to punish you for the holidays (wtf), she knew what she was doing. I’d be very disappointed.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 19:53

'by her hair'. Sodding hell.

Dieu · 02/04/2019 20:01

My hand was on automatic after reading that post! Wink Yep, I'd say she got off easy.

Original poster
goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 20:15

She has apologised, profusely, but it doesn't really change anything does it?
She still did it. At the table her elbow brushed me and she quickly reacted, sorry, sorry,are you ok. Sort of thing.

She knows that its upset me more than anything, I've tried to tell her how much this has hurt me, still shes saying it was a joke, and I have said we wont discuss it again, but she isn't to hit, even when playing. She has always been this really gentle giant, and I am disappointed. Really disappointed. Shes never been like this. Shes always been so lovely until this.

I think we can get over this. Shes usually a good girl, but only time will tell.

OP posts:
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