To cancel cinema trip?

[goodfornothinggnome]

So were really going through it at the moment with DD.

A lot has changed recently with her, shes going through puberty, so were sort of trying to stop babying her, but shes really not being very good at the moment.

Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left. No shopping trip together. I was a little bit upset, but thought I don't want to ruin this for her or me, I'll go off for a walk around myself. I saw her several times, and she completely blanked me.

I got a call a bit later to take her friends (they gained another friend in town) I'd calmly explained I thought it was a trip for us to talk and shop together without her dad. I just got a stern OK and folded arms.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends, I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms. She started saying I'd lost a bracelet of hers when I cleaned her room...mumsnet, I'm telling you all I didn't touch or see it. She then went quiet.
My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it. It's an ongoing joke that every time I go past a travel agency I book a holiday, so was joking that I could run to a travel agency nearby and book next years holiday (see it is a joke because we don't have a holiday for next year planned yet!) She started to grab at me and before I knew it, she had slapped me around the face. I was really upset with her, quite shocked because we don't even play like that so her insistence she was playing wasn't even understandable to me.

Then last night she said to me, don't worry about tucking me in tonight, I'll put myself to bed, so I'm thinking theres something upstairs she doesn't want me to see. So I take her up to bed, and I realise her bathroom door is closed. Unlike her as she likes the bathroom door open and the light on, so theres a little bit of light in her bedroom.

Her bathroom is a complete shit tip. Mumsnet, I don't know how she managed it, but there are full on blobs of conditioner all over the bath, the sink is smeared with nail varnish, the toilet is full of loo roll and there are clothes all over the floor.

This morning she refused to get ready for school, she took an hour and a half to put on a top and leggings- forgot to shower (despite being told 3 times this morning!) She was "ready" 10 minutes after we should have left. She had her shoes in her hand, jumper wrapped around her waist, and she didn't "need" a coat. She told me she would put shoes on when she was in school. So I said, no way, you put your shoes on IN this house. You put your jumper on, and your coat too. We are late, so do it quickly. She huffs at me and rolls her eyes.

I cancelled her trip to the cinema tonight with her friends.

I feel like an absolute cow, because she went into school crying, but I'm actually refusing to take her and 3 friends to the cinema, pay for their tickets and sweets, to then take these children home after, to continue to have our home, and me treated this way.

I'm sorry this is so long and massively detailed, but I just need to vent a little bit.

I know the shopping trip is just 11 year olds not thinking, but i just feel like the way she went about it showed there was no respect at all for me. She could have said, I'd prefer to just go with a friend. It would have saved me waiting around, and a trip to town I didn't even want!

And I also really hope that at eleven she is not drinking coffee

In the nicest possible way, she sounds a bit spoiled. The time has come to be firm with her, or you will have a 14/15 year old running rings around you. At 11 there is still time to nip this in the bud. It's up to the parent to set the boundaries, not the child.

Meh
Hormones
Get the book how to talk so teens will listen
You should have let her clean sink with you
She won't die from some nail polish fumes
Who checks her bathroom usually?
Does she know how lucky she is to have own bathroom ? Not in a you are so lucky way but point out not everyone has... she needs to try an be aware and ask for help.
But she is just 11
Needs some hands on help still

It sounds like there wasn't actually an immediate consequence to the slap - did she still get her coffee and doughnut, or was she taken straight home as a result of slapping you? Cancelling the cinema seems like it was an accumulation of the slap, the mess and the issues getting ready for school. I think the slap should have had an immediate, separate consequence.
Definitely not unreasonable to cancel the cinema though. If she wants you to drive her around and pay for her treats, she can treat you better.

Also I sort of get the jumper thing, but I'm forever saying (and I'm sure she will laugh about how I always said it, when im dead) I don't care how you come out of school, you always go in dressed appropriately, and clean. I just want her to leave the house tidy, and if she had no jumper or coat I'd be really judged by all of her teachers cos it's really cold and raining right now.

What did your DH say when she slapped you? How was that handled in the moment.

As for the sink. You may not have been able to get her to clean it but you can remove all nail varnish as she is clearly not mature enough to use it properly.

Stick to your guns about cancelling cinema trip. I am surprised she thought she would still be going.

She is spoiled 100% until recently shes not been so spoilt that youd ever know how much she gets given.
Shes especially lucky, and she should know, only two years ago our family bathroom was smaller than the ensuite that DH and I share (it was tiny- pointing this out cos the house isn't especially large, but feels it because theres only 3 of us here) that's what makes It so much more annoying. The old house was so small, suffered from damp and mould problems, youd think she would respect our new home, which is really so much better. Were lucky to live here instead of the old house, instead of using the sink like a colouring book

I would also be looking into has anything happened (such as bullying at school, or exposure to alcohol / drugs) that has caused a normally well behaved girl to lash out and physically assault you.
But no, YANBU to cancel the cinema trip in the circumstances.

Will get that book, think that'll be my bible for the next 8-9 years if this is anything to go by.

Usually me or DH, usually I clean It.

She can start helping to clean the bathroom now. Looks like she tried to make some colourful water or something and it backfired. These things happen.

But the slap and the attitude is out of order.

You haven't said why you were taking them all to the cinema in the first place?

Or what happened immediately after the slap?

Agree with PP's about boundaries. She needs to know you are her parent not a taxi/cashpoint she can call on whenever the whim takes her. As for the slap - did your DH not say/do anything? If my DS slapped me his dad would read him the riot act. He is currently 8 and when he has even spoken to me badly DH has pulled him up on it - same as I do when he speaks to DH like it.
When I was younger my parents rule was that if I had friends over they had to go to my room so it was up to me to keep it tidy else my friends would see that I was a slob.
Absolutely remove treats/privileges if she oversteps. Perhaps sit down as a family and discuss what you expect of each other so its clear to everyone.

Why did YOU clean the sink? 🤦🏻‍♀️ She'll only stop doing stuff like get nail polish on the sink of she knows how hard it is to clean up. She won't come up harm from the fumes.

With regards to the shopping trip - normal for a 12 year old to need a trip there but pretend not to know you when they are with friends. When she demanded money why did you give it to her? She was rude not to ask if it was ok to change the mother-daughter shopping trip to one with friends.

The slap- totally not normal and I can't believe nice stuff like cinema wasn't cancelled immediately. Why are you paying for tickets and snacks for her friends? When my teens go to the cinema, each person pays their own so they become more selective about whether or not to go.

Omg, she is so spoilt it is unbelievable.
I can’t believe posters on this thread think this normal preteen behaviour....

I’d cancel! My 11yo has developed a bit of an attitude over the past month and keeps picking on her little sister
As it stands, she’s not allowed to go to her primary 7 prom at the end of next month unless her behaviour improves. She’s also been warned that if the behaviour escalates her phone and laptop will be taken from her.

The problem with the slap was, I had to remove myself from the situation, because of a few reasons actually, I needed to figure out how to deal with the situation, but I'd made the point that I didn't find it funny, I didn't believe she thought it was a joke, because we don't play that way. Hitting each other in our house just isn't done. I'd always felt if it was allowed in the context of playing, it was somehow not the biggest leap into it being ok to hit eachother. I know that's a messed up thought, but its the way I've felt.

We didn't go out for dinner which was planned too.

I think you have to come down hard on her now, OP, before it's too late. If she's like this at 11, what is she going to be like at 13,14,15? Why are you fighting the urge to clear her bedroom out? Do it! And no tucking in either, no mobile phone for a month, no shopping trips or pocket money.

She was very lucky when she slapped you. If she'd been mine, I would have slapped her back! (I know, very wrong, totally un-pc, :-O )

You don't have to be sorry about how you've dealt with stuff previously. But learning from it is the best thing you can do.

You need to come down on her like a tonne of bricks when she behaves like that.

A slap is immediate cancelling of treats, phone removed and grounded.

A messy sink - she cleans. Nail polish fumes won't hurt her.

She can earn her pocket money etc.

Why were you paying for her friends? That's only for birthdays.

She won’t appreciate the new home. She’s 11. It’s a house to her.

I’d have made her clean it up - no way would I have done it for it, 11 or not. And she would have been grounded after the slap

No way would I be taking her to the cinema either.

The cinema trip is just something I do every now and then. If she wants to do something with her friends we pay for them all, it just feels like a nice thing to do.

Slapping you is outrageous, do not feel bad about cancelling the cinema you had to. And she is lucky you didnt loose it. I would have been so shocked I would have screamed at her then stripped her room of everything fun and grounded her for a month. Which would have been to much.

The fact she has the audacity to be upset about the cinema trip rather than sorrow for her actions is alarming. You have to set boundaries again fast.

Wow...if my DD had slapped me, she would have had ALL privileges revoked for the forseeable. It is NOT acceptable at all.

My DD is 15 years and we get on really well, but she can leave a trail of devastation in her bedroom and the bathroom at times. I pick my battles over that as she's currently in revision mode for GCSEs however, she will clear up if I ask her to and short of time. She has a social life and plans for exciting stuff to do, but would know damn well that they would be revoked if she acted out of line.

If I were you I'd be starting a clean slate:

Get her to help you clean the bathroom top to bottom
She has a budget for pocket money each month rather than demanding money as an when. If she decides to spend it all, then tough shit sweetheart!
She has a month off having exciting or fun things to do as consequence for slapping you...and she apologise.

She is not even a teen yet, so if you don't get this nipped in the bud and establish boundaries now, she will end up entitled and lacking total respect!

OP my daughter is 18 now and the loveliest young woman I could have wished for! However when she was around your daughter's age and we started to try to treat her in a more 'grown up' way, she did become moody and not pleasant. It wasn't as bad as your daughter but looking back with that wonderful thing called hindsight, I now see that she was behaving much as a baby does when moving around and being told "no" over and over- they have to test the boundaries to make sure it stands. We did involve our daughter in the boundary setting process to some extent - if she wanted to go into town with her friend, she had to have done xyz in the house. If she wanted money for anything such as the cinema, she had to do some cleaning or gardening or car washing but it had to be something that would save me time and money so I had the money to give her (if that makes sense). Just telling her to tidy her room or she wouldn't be able to go didn't have the same effect as that was HER space and she could do with it what she liked so long as she didn't cause damage or paint the walls black (yes that was a phase too when she was around 14!). We found that having choices/options helped the most ie if you hoover the downstairs then we will take you to town. She had the choice of doing the hoovering or not but if she did do it there was an immediate benefit for her.

The final thing I found helpful was giving my daughter lots and lots of hugs - I think I may have often repeated the "I love you very very much and always will but the way you are behaving means I don't like you very much at this moment in time" on more than one occasion whilst hugging her.

Why were you cleaning her room, why doesn't she clean her bathroom, or remove the privilege.
If you think 11 is old enough to wear nail varnish she already uses remover if she's not all enough remove it.

Slap omg why was she not straight home and riot act read let alone you paying for doughnuts hey darling hit me next time and Ill buy you a new coat or what. she would have been frogmarched to the car by my husband if I hadn't got there first and if he suggested dougnuts as her treat for hitting me he would be cooking, cleaning, school runs for the week while I booked a hotel for me.

cinema, why are you paying, taking etc, sounds like a birthday treat is it?

Sorry OP but it doesn't sound like she respects you or her dad one bit. Why didn't you or your husband go nuclear when she slapped you? You are basically letting her get away with anything. After the slap incident I'd only be allowing her out of her bedroom to use the bathroom, eat meals and go to school.