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Original poster

To cancel cinema trip?

199 replies

goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 10:25

So were really going through it at the moment with DD.

A lot has changed recently with her, shes going through puberty, so were sort of trying to stop babying her, but shes really not being very good at the moment.

Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left. No shopping trip together. I was a little bit upset, but thought I don't want to ruin this for her or me, I'll go off for a walk around myself. I saw her several times, and she completely blanked me.

I got a call a bit later to take her friends (they gained another friend in town) I'd calmly explained I thought it was a trip for us to talk and shop together without her dad. I just got a stern OK and folded arms.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends, I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms. She started saying I'd lost a bracelet of hers when I cleaned her room...mumsnet, I'm telling you all I didn't touch or see it. She then went quiet.
My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it. It's an ongoing joke that every time I go past a travel agency I book a holiday, so was joking that I could run to a travel agency nearby and book next years holiday (see it is a joke because we don't have a holiday for next year planned yet!) She started to grab at me and before I knew it, she had slapped me around the face. I was really upset with her, quite shocked because we don't even play like that so her insistence she was playing wasn't even understandable to me.

Then last night she said to me, don't worry about tucking me in tonight, I'll put myself to bed, so I'm thinking theres something upstairs she doesn't want me to see. So I take her up to bed, and I realise her bathroom door is closed. Unlike her as she likes the bathroom door open and the light on, so theres a little bit of light in her bedroom.

Her bathroom is a complete shit tip. Mumsnet, I don't know how she managed it, but there are full on blobs of conditioner all over the bath, the sink is smeared with nail varnish, the toilet is full of loo roll and there are clothes all over the floor.

This morning she refused to get ready for school, she took an hour and a half to put on a top and leggings- forgot to shower (despite being told 3 times this morning!) She was "ready" 10 minutes after we should have left. She had her shoes in her hand, jumper wrapped around her waist, and she didn't "need" a coat. She told me she would put shoes on when she was in school. So I said, no way, you put your shoes on IN this house. You put your jumper on, and your coat too. We are late, so do it quickly. She huffs at me and rolls her eyes.

I cancelled her trip to the cinema tonight with her friends.

I feel like an absolute cow, because she went into school crying, but I'm actually refusing to take her and 3 friends to the cinema, pay for their tickets and sweets, to then take these children home after, to continue to have our home, and me treated this way.

I'm sorry this is so long and massively detailed, but I just need to vent a little bit.

I know the shopping trip is just 11 year olds not thinking, but i just feel like the way she went about it showed there was no respect at all for me. She could have said, I'd prefer to just go with a friend. It would have saved me waiting around, and a trip to town I didn't even want!

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2019 12:58

Too right I'd cancel the cinema trip.

I wouldn't be setting up anymore shopping treats either.

Seriously she's 11

Starbucks, shopping without an adult and being indulged on cinema trips Confused

Good luck when she's 15

Maxineputyourredshoeson · 02/04/2019 12:59

There is no way on earth I would be taking her and her friends to the cinema, you have done the right thing in cancelling it.

If one of my DD’s slapped me, I genuinely don’t know what me or DH would do but, I know it would be it more than just not going for dinner after.

MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2019 13:00

She actually slapped you?

I can't follow all the travel agency bit sorry, why did she slap you??

RandomName9 · 02/04/2019 13:00

Def cancel the cinema trip, she needs to learn actions have consequences. The shopping trip thing I get, she wants to be seen as cool and grown up not out shopping with her mum but slapping you because she doesn't want to go on holiday to Mexico??? Are you kidding? That alone would have lost my son his phone/ps4 etc indefinitely!! Is she 11 at secondary school or primary? Either way she sounds very immature, if she is old enough to go shopping, drink coffee & have her own bathroom she should be cleaning it, which includes the nail varnish-she won't die from the fumes! Also may be time to stop taking her to bed, Im not sure I know of any children that are tucked in at 11years old. I may be wrong but 11 seems quite old for that sort of thing.

Bishbashthrash · 02/04/2019 13:01

Fuck all this 'normal for her age' bullshit.

If she can make that mess she can clean it up.

How dare she slap you?
She would be grounded for atleast 2 weeks for that.

Refusing to get ready for school and making you late? Make her walk!!

I have teens btw so I'm not deluded and I know they can act up but this behaviour is totally unacceptable.

I would be booking a holiday and leaving her with a babysitter!!

whitesoxx · 02/04/2019 13:02

You know that paying for her friends to go to the cinema isn't right unless it's her birthday. That needs to stop.

She has no respect for you or her dad and you are both on egg shells around her.

Implement a new routine now. Draw it up, she cleans, she gets dressed for school on time. Each time she doesn't then a privilege is removed.

You do it together as parents. No giving in or you've got a nightmare few years ahead.

adulthumanwolf · 02/04/2019 13:04

Wtf. So she was suggesting that by saying you lost her bracelet that she should have your Mother's Day Pandora bracelet?

Sorry OP, she does sound very spoiled.

I'd have grounded her for a month for the slap, never mind just cancelling the cinema.

NoooorthonerMum · 02/04/2019 13:05

OK the sink is ridiculous but not unusual for a teenager. I think you just need to have set expectations for how she keeps her room. I wouldn't be too rigid - let her have some choice over her own space but yes stuff like that which will actually permanently damage the sink after a while is not OK.

I think you need to keep things in perspective. You haven't failed as a parent because your teenage DD is having an obnoxious patch. I'm sure DD will appreciate her lovely upbringing as an adult but she probably won't as a teenager - totally normal.

I think you need to figure out what is causing the behaviour focusing on the slap which is the part which is really terrible behaviour. I would sit down together as a family - in a non accusatory way and approach it like "you're getting older now so it's time for more freedom but also more responsibility". Make it a discussion but also be clear that some boundaries aren't debatable. Everyone gets irritated sometimes but it's not OK ever to hit or to speak in a derogatory way to you or her dad. Make it clear what her responsibilities are in the house (be explicit you need to do XYZ by X time without being reminded). Ask her if there's anything she feels would help things. Once you've agreed on expectations and consequences be consistent.

Eliza9917 · 02/04/2019 13:07

She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.

My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it.

Off topic, but why is an 11 year old drinking coffee?

whitesoxx · 02/04/2019 13:08

NoooorthonerMum

She's 11. I was expecting a teenager too. This is not normal 11 year old behaviour. I agree consistency is key though and it can be nipped in the bud.

MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2019 13:09

'Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left.'

So at 11 you are 'meeting' her in town? How does she get there? Where had she been prior to meet?

Original poster
goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 13:10

Eliza always decaf, no syrup. I don't see much of a problem. It's something a lot of kids around here buy?

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2019 13:11

Are you and her father together?

BrokenWing · 02/04/2019 13:11

You should have told her she was going nowhere after school until the bathroom was fixed. Open a window and the fumes would have not caused her any problems, she could do it over a few days if needed. She needs to learn that level of vandalism (it wasn't just untidy it was intentional) has heavy consequences.

Keep talking and listening to her, expect she will want to spend time with her friends instead of you, but get firm boundaries set before you hit the proper teen years.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 02/04/2019 13:12

I'm the least houseproud person on the planet and I'd still be annoyed at the state of that sink!

Original poster
goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 13:13

Yep, straight after school. Her school is on the edge of town, we are the other edge of the town centre if that makes sense? So a 5 minute walk, instead of me meeting her in the car.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 02/04/2019 13:15

omg, i have pre teens/teen dd's and they can be messy, thoughtless and stroppy, but none of them would even consider slapping me, or anyone else, that is absolutely ridiculous and needs dealt with appropriately,eg grounded, lose of phone/laptop, other privileges she has.
I have never heard of anyone taking and paying for other peoples dc for cinema and treats for no reason, thats usually a birthday treat , I'd stop that straight away,
Lots of kids that age go to starbucks these days, so thats not usual at all, but make sure she earns any money she's given from now on, she'll appreciate it more.

Original poster
goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 13:16

Martha, not her biological father, but my husband has been in our life since she was two, very few people know he isn't her dad, because she calls him her dad, and he acts like a dad... trying myself in knots here!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 02/04/2019 13:17

I understand parents not doing things (like smacking) the same way their parents did.

However, All the effort over the years, to give her what I didn't have, to just give her a nice life, and she treats stuff and me this way. Its hurtful. can be a bit of a minefield. She only knows her own life. It’s normal to her so why do you think she will especially appreciate it? You only do that when there’s something to compare to.

She doesn’t need to be compensated for anything, she’s always ‘had it good.’

So now you need to rein it in a bit. Let her earn privileges. Don’t accept rudeness (or slapping!). She clears and cleans her room and bathroom.

And you stop paying for outings for her friends.

Original poster
goodfornothinggnome · 02/04/2019 13:18

Actually that's a point, it wouldn't have been so bad if it was 1 or two splodges, I'm not a stranger to cleaning up nail polish, but that doesn't look like an accident to me, and if she would have just said Mum, I've done x y z I'd have dealt with it.

OP posts:
Beamur · 02/04/2019 13:20

My DD is 12. I would be hugely disappointed and angry with her if she slapped me.
My advice is to have some more boundaries in terms of acceptable behaviour and consequences for lack of.
If you want time alone with her then don't agree on friends coming too. But accept she will sometimes prefer their company to yours.
She sounds quite hormonal, if her periods haven't started maybe that's on the horizon.
You don't suddenly need to change everything but you do need to be firmer with a child who is testing the boundaries.

TitusAndromedom · 02/04/2019 13:20

My children are still small, but I distinctly remember 11/12 as being a really terrible time in terms of my relationship with my mom. I was stroppy, spoiled and rude, despite never having behaved that way before. I remember feeling really irrational disgust towards my mom, and deliberately provoking her because I wanted a response. I still don’t know why I did that. I was an only child, too, and I’d previously loved being part of a little group of three, but maybe I found it stifling as I got older. I’m mentioning this because it’s certainly not an excuse for your daughter’s behaviour, but it may help to explain why she seems so different. I also want to reassure you that our relationships recovered as a family and I didn’t end up a teenage tearaway or anything. My parents managed everything by using natural consequences, staging very calm and setting clear boundaries, but also giving me increased responsibilities.

One other thing; I’m a secondary teacher now and would absolutely not notice if your daughter came in without a jumper or coat, nor would I judge you if I did notice. I can’t tell you the number of mornings when students in my form have come in for registration soaking wet because they left their coats at home, or wore a hoodie, or carried a coat instead of wearing one. I have never judged a parent for the foolishness of the child.

Bookworm4 · 02/04/2019 13:25

The slap was for looking st holidays that weren't her choice? I'm sorry but who the f**k does she think she is? Please can people stop saying oh it's her age blah blah, most 11 yr olds don't slap their mum or get lavished like this brat. Paying for her & friends to go to the cinema? £100 easy, shopping trips, coffees. Far too spoiled and entitled, grounded for 2 wks, all phones, tablets etc removed. Get the rules in place or this is going to escalate.

Pinotjo · 02/04/2019 13:25

She's pushing the boundaries and you're made to feel guilty, been there, done that. She needs grounding or your asking for trouble. Don't feel guilty punishing her, she's fed, clothed, housed, she's safe and warm. Put your foot down, slapped you indeed! I'd had seriously slapped her all the way home
.

PregnantSea · 02/04/2019 13:26

You need to come down on her hard for this. No more treats, a long talk about violence and strict clear rules about what's expected of her. All the behaviour you've described here is absolutely appalling - especially the slap. She clearly has no respect for you and is pushing boundaries. Right now she's learning that if you slap mum and treat her like crap then not much happens, so why not do it? If you make a mess she will clean it up, if you demand money she'll hand it over and you don't even have to be polite.

My heart goes out to you OP, you obviously care very deeply and want to do what's best for her, but I fear that at the moment you are spoiling her. Don't make a rod for your own back - you don't deserve to be treated like shit in your own house.