To cancel cinema trip?

[goodfornothinggnome]

So were really going through it at the moment with DD.

A lot has changed recently with her, shes going through puberty, so were sort of trying to stop babying her, but shes really not being very good at the moment.

Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left. No shopping trip together. I was a little bit upset, but thought I don't want to ruin this for her or me, I'll go off for a walk around myself. I saw her several times, and she completely blanked me.

I got a call a bit later to take her friends (they gained another friend in town) I'd calmly explained I thought it was a trip for us to talk and shop together without her dad. I just got a stern OK and folded arms.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends, I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms. She started saying I'd lost a bracelet of hers when I cleaned her room...mumsnet, I'm telling you all I didn't touch or see it. She then went quiet.
My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it. It's an ongoing joke that every time I go past a travel agency I book a holiday, so was joking that I could run to a travel agency nearby and book next years holiday (see it is a joke because we don't have a holiday for next year planned yet!) She started to grab at me and before I knew it, she had slapped me around the face. I was really upset with her, quite shocked because we don't even play like that so her insistence she was playing wasn't even understandable to me.

Then last night she said to me, don't worry about tucking me in tonight, I'll put myself to bed, so I'm thinking theres something upstairs she doesn't want me to see. So I take her up to bed, and I realise her bathroom door is closed. Unlike her as she likes the bathroom door open and the light on, so theres a little bit of light in her bedroom.

Her bathroom is a complete shit tip. Mumsnet, I don't know how she managed it, but there are full on blobs of conditioner all over the bath, the sink is smeared with nail varnish, the toilet is full of loo roll and there are clothes all over the floor.

This morning she refused to get ready for school, she took an hour and a half to put on a top and leggings- forgot to shower (despite being told 3 times this morning!) She was "ready" 10 minutes after we should have left. She had her shoes in her hand, jumper wrapped around her waist, and she didn't "need" a coat. She told me she would put shoes on when she was in school. So I said, no way, you put your shoes on IN this house. You put your jumper on, and your coat too. We are late, so do it quickly. She huffs at me and rolls her eyes.

I cancelled her trip to the cinema tonight with her friends.

I feel like an absolute cow, because she went into school crying, but I'm actually refusing to take her and 3 friends to the cinema, pay for their tickets and sweets, to then take these children home after, to continue to have our home, and me treated this way.

I'm sorry this is so long and massively detailed, but I just need to vent a little bit.

I know the shopping trip is just 11 year olds not thinking, but i just feel like the way she went about it showed there was no respect at all for me. She could have said, I'd prefer to just go with a friend. It would have saved me waiting around, and a trip to town I didn't even want!

Take some bin bags into her room and gut it!!!! If she can't keep her area clean and respect what she has then she loses it all.

goodfornothinggnome meh, my mum openly hated my posters, particularly my Gollum one, can't say I really cared as a teen.

I'd go on the holiday as you shouldn't be punished. But just keep the treats basic and don't let it revolve around her.

I think if she wants more freedom (and it's normal she does), she also gets more responsibilities. I also think she has to earn stuff as she'll value them more.

Could it partially be hormonal? I started my periods around that age

Definitely cancel the trip to the cinema. I'd also be making it clear that I was in absolutely no hurry to pay for/chauffeur her to do things anytime soon.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if my daughter slapped me. I think they don't know either, so they're highly unlikely to go there. It might be something very politically incorrect, if I reacted immediately without thinking. There is no excuse, whatsoever, for her behaviour. If you had slapped her, she would have been hollering about it all the way to social services and the police - and rightfully so. That is physical assault, it is domestic violence, and it had better be the last damned time she ever pulls a stunt like that, or I'd be hollering all the way to the police station myself, if I were you.

I understand her wanting to go shop with her friend, in preference with her Mum, but the way she went about it was dishonest, and needlessly hurtful. I'd be saying to her that if that's what she wants to do, she has to be upfront about it. She also needs to understand that money and taxis aren't an as of right thing. They are a privilege, earned by not being abusive to your family members, by not trashing the house, by not being rude and surly, and by complying with reasonable requests, like showering, and getting ready for school on time.

I also understand that she's in puberty, she's feeling like she's not a kid, she's more of a peer, and that she wants to be treated more as an adult. However, that's not a 'right' that comes with body changes and more years, that's actually something you earn, by acting more maturely - e.g. exercising adequate self control, performing normal day to day requirements without having to be nagged and forced, acting as a responsible member of the family unit.

I deeply sympathise, I've got a 13 and 15 year old. I honestly think that 11-12 was worse. Especially on the personal hygiene, surliness, thinking the world is against them and also owes them everything they want, and right NOW. Oh, and the trashing of the bathroom - not that bad though - that's awful!

You are being completely reasonable. Your daughters behaviour is terrible

Thanks

You spoiled her and now you’re reaping the results. Your DD clearly thinks life owes her. Not entirely convinced it’s a typical teenage behaviour. I’d tell her what’s what now before she gets older.

You're right that it's good to helicopter less, and to do less for her, but you do still need to keep on communicating your expectations to her very clearly. You said yes she could bring her friend, but you didn't say "and then we'll all three go shopping together" or discuss the possibility of the two kids going off alone. And you handed the money over to your DD without saying anything and you didn't say anything even when they walked off. You assumed she would hold the money while she assumed it was fine to go off by herself. You need to communicate clearly and model clear communication to her, asking questions and clarifying things.

It sounds as if she made a mess with the nail polish, then didn't know how to clear it up, panicked and wanted to hide. It would have been better to show her what to do and get her to clean it up like an adult, and not clean it up for her like a small child.

As for her slapping you, that would have been game over on the tea and doughnuts. Both parents getting her into the car in slience and then home. Then apology from her, sorting out what triggered it, and suitable consequences. It certainly wasn't a game or a joke. Maybe your joking about booking another holiday gave her a fright if she's already worried about Mexico, don't assume she always knows when you are just joking, maybe she felt you weren't listening... but she still needs to use words to communicate her feelings.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends,I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms.

That's really sad. At only 11 the best answer to "I need to go to primark to buy you a mothers day present" is "great you found a present, we'll make it happen, I love presents!" And I hope your DH took her to primark? She's your DD, on Mother's day something cheap from her (or something she chose herself even if she didn't pay for it) is worth a million fancy bracelets from him.

Teenagers aren't easy. But she is still only 11. I think part of the problem is that you are expecting her to know how to behave already like a thoughtful considerate adult. But she is still learning and she still needs to be told and shown and helped to do things for herself (though not to have them all done for her any more). And yes, I have no problem about cancelling the cinema trip. That would be a good consequence for slapping you.

Also, has she apologised? Because that's non-negotiable. You don't physically assault someone and NOT apologise. And no fricking excuses.

Until that apology was received, I'm afraid service and reception would be ARCTIC from me. If it seemed that DD wasn't making the appropriate connections between action and consequence, DH would be explaining it to her in very quiet words of one syllable. And making damned sure she did it. That's one of the ways we support each other so that the girls see that we are a united front in parenting terms.

An eleven year old doesn't need her own bathroom, make her clean up her mess then lock it. She can use the family bathroom. She also doesn't need make up, if she wants her nails painted she comes to you, uses the polish and gives it back. As for Starbucks, mobiles and holidays focussed solely around her, regular paid excursions for her and her friends for no reason, all needs to stop. She's a child and seems to think she's a Kardashian. Tell her she can earn some of these privileges back when she's mature enough to appreciate them.

Sorry for going off topic here...

But, what is the issue with 11 year olds drinking coffee? I drank coffee when I was 11 🤷🏽‍♀️ I allow DD who is 11 to drink it too. We both have about 3 cups a week. I like cappuccino, DD either has a latte or iced coffee. I don’t see an issue with it

Jesus wept. No phone, no cinema, no shopping trips for coffee and clothes. No more outings with friends until her attitude improves.

I honestly don't think it kills kids to have to get presents for people from their own pocket money either- surely they can spare £1 for some sweets from the poundshop etc. I used to have to do it as a teenager and I loved it.

Did she really think she was going to get your bracelet?

Bit of tough love needed I'm afraid. She doesn't want to go to Mexico on holiday.... Take me instead op! I'll be grateful

It might be that when she's treated more like an adult (and that includes all the rubbish parts of being an adult like emptying the dish washer as well as more freedom) she steps ups bit.

FFS she is 11! I know children are more advanced these days but even so, surely 11 is far too young be treated like an adult.

DrinkFeckArseGirls
You spoiled her and now you’re reaping the results. Your DD clearly thinks life owes her. Not entirely convinced it’s a typical teenage behaviour. I’d tell her what’s what now before she gets older.

I have to agree. I think you've got major problems ahead if you don't get this sorted out now.

I'd just prefer that I didn't have to go in her bedroom to see them every day, is all I'm saying.

No wonder if she is playing up!

On one side she is completely spoilt and have no boundaries, but on the other hand you resent the choice of items in her bedroom that you agreed about!

It sounds like you both need to work on your attitude.
How would you feel if your parent refused to go and visit you because of a painting in your living room? The kid is 11! How can you be reluctant to tuck an 11 year old in at night! That is not the area where you need to be strict.

If she was trying to marble her nails (ask her) the toilet roll is probably her attempt at cleaning it up.

I don't disagree that she needs consequences, especially for hitting you, but actually the most important thing to do at the moment is to keep the lines of communication open. This is the hardest thing to do sometimes, but she has to know she can talk to you as once a child has closed down it is a million times harder to help them in 5/6 years time when boy do they need it.

There is a thread going on at the moment for support for parents whose MH is suffering because of their teens
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3542520-Is-parenting-a-teen-adversely-affecting-your-mh

Don't cancel your family holiday this is a perfect time to relax. Don't try and force the talk either as she may shut down just let it happen.

Do though cancel the cinema she so doesn't deserve that.

WOW! If my 12yo DD did even one of the things you’d mentioned there’d be serious consequences.

• make her scrub that sink and clean and tidy bathroom. Grounded with no WiFi or phone until it’s done to your standards.

• her trying to hide it from you would also have consequences. Hiding it is lying in my book and I don’t take well to that.

• the slap would mean at least a weeks grounding possibly more.

• for the crappy attitude alone I’d cancel the cinema trip and any/all things that cost you your money. Once her attitude improves she’ll gain some rewards back and not before.

Seriously..... boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. I can’t believe she’s only 11 and running you like this

she is still learning and she still needs to be told and shown and helped to do things for herself

Yes. And it s about communication. You to.her and her to you

The book
How to talk so.teens will listen and listen so.kidswill.talk is really good. Please do read it..it was recommended to me by a child psychologist (My dd at that age had some issue a due to my ex/her dad)

Show her and help her
Listen more . Don't assume.
Spell it out calmly if the outing was for you and her no friends.
Let her have and manage a bank account.
E.g. gohenry has a card but you control.it pretty much . Or a prepaid card look online for "child card accounts"

Is she scared to tell you she made a mess I her bathroom?

Do you work or have your own activities ?

Woah, after slapping you, I would come down on her like a ton of bricks. The rest is not as bad in context. I would explain that she loses all privileges, nail polish etc and is grounded. Definitely no cinema, no Starbucks etc. At 11, her ditching you on an afternoon of shopping is extremely rude too. I’d understand it if she were 14-15. She does not get to rule the roost or get abusive when you choose the holiday. She is still a kid and not a teenager. She may come across as a lovely kid in school or with others but she doesn’t sound kind at all. Think you spoilt and indulged her too much.

Disorganisedmum, I have OCD. OCD!! Its not that I RESENT IT. IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE. A POINT I HAVE TRIED TO MAKE WITHOUT SAYING ITS PART OF MY ILLNESS BUT IT IS.
Everywhere in my house is colour matched and put together just right. So was her room. It no longer is because of all of the colours and the posters being put up. And also in a slanted fashion.

Not the way things are in the rest of my home, but she has a choice in her room, because its hers and not mine. It doesn't matter if I am uncomfortable but for that reason no, like I said. I'm not queuing up to go in there.

I have also nowhere said I refuse to put her to bed FGS!! I have made a point that it makes me uncomfortable because it does. It looks untidy and looks like no one gave a fuck, but you're right. That isn't the place to be strict. It's her area where shes free of everything really having to match.
So take back a decent amount of your judgement and work on your own attitude.

In response to some of the PP asking what's the problem with coffee.

I couldn't care less about the fact it's coffee or tea, I'm fine with kids having the odd bit of caffeinated drinks etc. It's more the "let's meet in town for a coffee" angle - seems like OP is trying to be her mate rather than her parent. Meeting in town for a coffee isn't the norm for most 11 year olds i know and it seems all part of their whole life / holidays etc revolving around the 11 yr old child

Disorganisedmum, I have OCD. OCD!! Its not that I RESENT IT. IT MAKES ME UNCOMFORTABLE.

drip feed much?

You are the one writing a thread about abysmal behaviour from an 11 year old. You might not like the criticisms, but if your parenting was so amazing, we wouldn't have that thread in the first place.

Again, you clearly need to work on your own attitude too.

We've had a small chat, turns out she was trying to marble a phone case upstairs and she spilt it, and didn't want to get me to clean it, because she knew crafts aren't an upstairs activity. So yeah seems about right. I couldn't understand how it looked the way it did in the sink!

She understands pocket money will be getting given in exchange for chores from now on. Understands shes lost her phone and can have her laptop for school work only. Shes going to write a list of her expectations so we can discuss these later, with a list of mine and list of DHs when hes in.

Ordering that book this eve.

Yeah I've got activities of my own and have just gone back to work, part time a few days a week I'm currently doing, which may also be a reason for some of the changes

For hitting you and her failure to get up and ready for school, definitely ground her, remove her devices, cancel cinema trips etc. Regarding the Easter trip, if it's solely for her benefit then I'd probably cancel but if it's something you would all enjoy then still go but, as a PP said, keep the ban on phone / tablet etc. while you're away.

The shopping trip is more understandable (probably uncool to be seen out with your mum at that age) but I would tell her exactly what you've written here - that you suggested the coffee / shopping trip for the two of you, agreed to her bringing a friend along WITH THE TWO OF YOU so if she intended just to bugger off with her friends and leave you like a lemon then she should have explained that to you in advance so you weren't just hanging about waiting for them.

Good update OP but it hasn't really addressed her slapping you.

Parents not liking your tastes, whether music, decor or anything really, is part and parcel of growing up and being a teenager and your own person really.

I mean this kindly, but the haphazard way she's done her room is probably as a pushback to the entire house being all matchy matchy .

Just make it clear that all freedoms and privileges are closely tied in with extra responsibilities.

Sunnycoco- that's a point actually. I've always sort of stopped for coffee wherever I go. Trip to town, have a coffee whilst out. Meeting someone, meet by a coffee shop. You are right, I didn't think it was weird!