To cancel cinema trip?

[goodfornothinggnome]

So were really going through it at the moment with DD.

A lot has changed recently with her, shes going through puberty, so were sort of trying to stop babying her, but shes really not being very good at the moment.

Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left. No shopping trip together. I was a little bit upset, but thought I don't want to ruin this for her or me, I'll go off for a walk around myself. I saw her several times, and she completely blanked me.

I got a call a bit later to take her friends (they gained another friend in town) I'd calmly explained I thought it was a trip for us to talk and shop together without her dad. I just got a stern OK and folded arms.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends, I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms. She started saying I'd lost a bracelet of hers when I cleaned her room...mumsnet, I'm telling you all I didn't touch or see it. She then went quiet.
My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it. It's an ongoing joke that every time I go past a travel agency I book a holiday, so was joking that I could run to a travel agency nearby and book next years holiday (see it is a joke because we don't have a holiday for next year planned yet!) She started to grab at me and before I knew it, she had slapped me around the face. I was really upset with her, quite shocked because we don't even play like that so her insistence she was playing wasn't even understandable to me.

Then last night she said to me, don't worry about tucking me in tonight, I'll put myself to bed, so I'm thinking theres something upstairs she doesn't want me to see. So I take her up to bed, and I realise her bathroom door is closed. Unlike her as she likes the bathroom door open and the light on, so theres a little bit of light in her bedroom.

Her bathroom is a complete shit tip. Mumsnet, I don't know how she managed it, but there are full on blobs of conditioner all over the bath, the sink is smeared with nail varnish, the toilet is full of loo roll and there are clothes all over the floor.

This morning she refused to get ready for school, she took an hour and a half to put on a top and leggings- forgot to shower (despite being told 3 times this morning!) She was "ready" 10 minutes after we should have left. She had her shoes in her hand, jumper wrapped around her waist, and she didn't "need" a coat. She told me she would put shoes on when she was in school. So I said, no way, you put your shoes on IN this house. You put your jumper on, and your coat too. We are late, so do it quickly. She huffs at me and rolls her eyes.

I cancelled her trip to the cinema tonight with her friends.

I feel like an absolute cow, because she went into school crying, but I'm actually refusing to take her and 3 friends to the cinema, pay for their tickets and sweets, to then take these children home after, to continue to have our home, and me treated this way.

I'm sorry this is so long and massively detailed, but I just need to vent a little bit.

I know the shopping trip is just 11 year olds not thinking, but i just feel like the way she went about it showed there was no respect at all for me. She could have said, I'd prefer to just go with a friend. It would have saved me waiting around, and a trip to town I didn't even want!

The description of your daughter’s behaviour perfectly encapsulates the upshot or spoilt pampering parenting.

A child that is rude, obnoxious, thoughtless and unpleasant.

As for the burst of violence she displayed - that is a serious concern

I am speechless that you can tolerate any of that behaviour and attitude.

Shopping trip with her friends, meh, as the adult it's up to you to accept or decline, not a big deal.
Everything else is unbelievable. There's no way I could put up with any of this.

My own solution for messy bedrooms is simple: either they do it themselves within an acceptable time frame when told, or they pay for a cleaner (or cleaner and me) to fix them. So far, they have never given up on any trip or party because they suddenly didn't have the cash for them.

I don't have time to go into lengthy discussion about what is acceptable or not, they have been living with me since they were born, so they know by now! Good marks, good behaviour bring rewards (and my kids are spoilt), bad marks bad behaviour brings a lot of painful consequences, for them.

It's never too late to establish rules and impose a minimum of respect towards others and their home! Of course kids push boundaries, but it is easier for everybody if they have boundaries to push in the first place.

It’s been years in the making and will take huge commitment and effort on the side of you and your husband to turn things around
Are you up for it?

She doesn’t respect you, she is spoilt and if she’s like this at 11 you are going to have serious problems in a year or so.
She clears her stuff or it goes in a black bin liner at the back of your wardrobe
She cleans the bathroom or again all her make up is removed and hidden or thrown away
And disrespect and she loses electronic devices and/or WiFi
And as for that slap, mine would have been grounded for at least a month after that.
Stop trying to be her friend OP, it doesn’t work and doesn’t make her a better person. I love my Dd and we do stuff together but I’m her Mum and we have boundaries

She's over-indulged and appears to have very little respect for you.

I am actually shocked that an 11 year old would slap her mother in the face and not face severe consequences.

It's not too late to turn this around, but you need to be very clear about the boundaries, and what behaviour you consider appropriate - and also be clear that there will be consequences.

Oh - and whoever said stop trying to be friend has it spot on.

You are NOT her friend, you are her mother.

I never attempted to be 'friends' with my DC but (possibly as a result of having firm boundaries and being crystal clear what behaviour was and wasn't acceptable) I feel blessed to have a great relationship with them - both during childhood and now into adulthood.

But I was never their friend - their security, their shoulder to cry on, their mentor - whatever you want to call it. And they did, and do, confide in me, but I insisted on respectful behaviour. In turn, I did my best to respect them as individuals and support their choices.

You are doing her absolutely no favours in the long term by over-indulging her and teaching her that actions have no consequences.

You have to stop trying to be a friend and be a parent. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and the sooner she learns there are consequences to her actions the better for all concerned. You are storing up huge problems for the future. For her own good as well as for the rest of family you need to step up and put a stop to her entitled and pretentious ways. 11 years old!!! I can only imagine what she will be like when she is 15. It is a frightening thought. You really need to step up to the plate as a parent.

What sort of phone does she have? I assume it's a smartphone? Please say you have full access to it and that you check it very regularly?

The nail polish in the sink rings alarm bells for me. It must have been deliberate to be multiple colours spilled. Did she have a friend with her when this happened? I'm wondering whether she was dared to do it.

If it was entirely independent then it seems like she was trying to get your attention as she would KNOW she'd get a bollocking for that.

I would try sitting down with her as calmly as possible (don't wait until another argument/incident) and say that you want to talk to her and understand whether there is something going on. Give her the opportunity to tell you. Which means you'll need to try to encourage her to talk without saying anything inflammatory (which I know is easier said than done in this context).

I agree to no cinema.

I'd also take all nail varnish/make up away.

If she can't not make a mess, she's not responsible enough to have it.

The way she handled meeting her friend to shop was disgustingly rude-you should have stopped her when she walked past you & taken her home there & then!

I don't get the meet in town for coffee & shopping though-she's not a mate!!

You have somehow got one selfish, spoilt little madam on your hands.

Christ. The minute she had blanked me in the town would have been the minute this nonsense was stepped down on - hard.

Clearly has no respect for your or her home.

She's very spoiled and entitled. The comment about seeing a good gift in Primark but not buying it because Dad would pay and blaming you for the lost bracelet is very bratty.
She really needs to start cleaning her own room (kids usually start helping at pre-school age!)

My kids have to tidy up their rooms Friday after school and get pocket money in return. Pocket money is used for cinema etc and they are expected to buy a gift for family birthdays, Mother and Father's Day and Xmas out of that. The gifts are usually £5 or less and we always have spare wrapping paper but the point is to force them to think about somebody else and budget ahead and make decisions like cinema this week or shopping next week? My oldest got a job at 16 so he can be more frivolous and his sister plans to do the same after GCSEs. My youngest is 12 and has learned not to spend everything he has. He still has money left over from Xmas and knows to research prices etc

they are expected to buy a gift for family birthdays, Mother and Father's Day and Xmas out of that.

that sounds very harsh!

There is no way I would still be here reading this had I slapped either one of my parents-this is a gigantic red flag you cannot minimize or ignore. She sounds incredibly entitled and spoiled rotten! Does she have responsibilities in the house such as chores and otherwise contributing to the family? If she did that to her sink and you had to clean she should have every nail polish confiscated until she could demonstrate she can be responsible with it. It's not too late to be the parent but from what you've described she tells you to jump and you ask "How high?"

I also have an 11yo dd. I’ve had the sink looking like that but she came to me and said that she had made the sink really messy, not meant to, and could I help her with it so I did.
I think there are plenty of 11yos about like your dd so I don’t think it’s “abnormal” but it is obviously not great behaviour either.

With the punishments, I am not sure if I agree there. I know that in the 70s and 80s, smacking was commonplace and people these days don’t do that. I don’t smack. However I am not sure whether replacing a physical punishment with a mental punishment is any better. Personally at 11yo, if I’d had to choose between getting smacked (takes a few seconds) or losing a day out that I really wanted (longer duration punishment) then I’d choose the smack. Do you see what I mean about mental punishment being even more horrible than physical in some cases? I also think that it almost causes the child to lose trust in you if you are going to start dishing out such long lasting punishments. I’m not suggesting you smack her but for the sink problem I’d probably have her stand there whilst you showed her how grim the clean up was and then perhaps have her do a job like wash the floor as punishment. She messed something so she’s cleaning something, just not the chemically thing.

Ok, so she's an only child and you have spoilt her and she is a brat!

Does she have her own en suite bathroom or was that the sink in the family bathroom?

She should not be drinking coffee even if it is decaf FFS!

She should not slap you under any circumstances! I would have matched her straight home and grounded her!

You've been far too soft with her and she is playing you for a complete mug.

I think I would have cancelled the trip. In fact no more trips until her behaviour improves. I honestly would remove all of her nail polishes for a month or until she can be trusted with them. I have done this before with my nine year old, she suddenly became more careful with nail polish.

Why are you fixating on the sink and not the fact that your child slapped you round the face?!

My kid would have been dragged kicking and screaming out of the shopping centre as soon as they deigned to blank me as they walked past! Blatant disrespect and not something that I would have EVER done as a teenager and let me tell you, I was a horrible teenager. The slapping is just ludicrous. The fact that you even feel bad for cancelling a cinema trip after a messy bathroom is mind boggling to me. Why is she not being punished well before now? Kids are savages, and teens are just monsters; they'll push boundaries until they can't push any more so it's up to you to set those boundaries firmly NOW before they get further & further outside your comfort zone.

I don’t think expecting them to buy gifts is harsh at all. It teaches them to think about others (obviously they need to be given the opportunity to earn the money to buy said gifts). There are so many posts on here from women whose dh / dp doesn’t remember to buy them a thoughtful gift, I think it’s a really important skill to teach young people. My sons (12&16) both bought me lovely Mothers Day gifts. They buy for me and each other at Christmas and birthdays as well. It’s not about an expensive gift (handmade or cheap is perfectly fine) but showing we think about what the person would like, and appreciate them.

Wow
She is seriously spoilt and entitled .

Let's meet in town for a coffee? Here's a load of money to go shopping? Let's take all your mates to the cinema for no reason at all? Spoilt brat

These things have happened quite quickly, and I've been strict, it's a more recent thing where shes having a little bit of freedom given to her seems to have bought this out In her

I am shocked in my own reaction to these situations, because I am usually fairly tough. Definitely not passive, but it has completely taken me by surprise. It's not like shes ever raised a hand to me, or even raised her voice.

If anyone would have asked me my reaction if ANYONE hit me, I would say, well they'd hit the floor before me, but it's a bit different when your child hits you, and you don't think they have it in them to hit anyone, even less you, their mummy.

It's not that I've been trying to be her friend, because I haven't. We were meeting at Starbucks as its somewhere I can sit and wait, she can get a drink and snack, and we could go and buy some clothes for her. It was an idea because it meant she was getting the chance to walk a bit further. Given a chance to have a bit of freedom.

And yes, of course I have free access to her mobile phone. I check it as and when I like. Not a set routine, sometimes when she goes to bed, sometimes as soon as she get out of school plus hefty child locks, which has (I'm not sure how) put a limit on what sort of apps she can download, plus shes only allowed to communicate with people from her friendship group from school, who I personally know

If she year 6 or 7..

I think year 7 lots of readjustments and trying to be grown up and getting it very wrong.

There are also hormones in there.....

However. it is time to set new house rules. ...I have an 11 /12 year old who I wouldn't trust to do his own shopping. She could have pocket money but earns it.. in that she is expected to keep room clean and tidy.

I have to say it think time to stop bank rolling her friends. if they want to go to the cinema they all pay there share.

yes I would of cancelled the cinema.

If she wants to put herself to bed.. fine. she is old enough, ..

I think family meeting of all expectations. Hers and yours and DH.

It may be shopping trips for clothes with mum, trawing round shops with friends fine.

She's 11! I thought you were going to say she was 15.

Actually, dd had a very grumpy 'know it all' spell at 11-12 and now at 16 is delightful, so perhaps your dd is geting it all out of the way easrly...

After she slapped me, my dd would have been home and grounded for weeks. No questions, no treats. I'd also have made her tidy her room. If she can't look after her room or bathroom, she doesn't deserve to have them.

The nail polish to me looks like she was trying to do the marble nails, you float polish on water and swirl it and then dip your nails in. It's normally done in a small plastic container to avoid this sort of mess but it's possible she didn't realise how much polish is left behind in the water because in the videos you see the whole sheet lift away, but in reality it all breaks up and clings to the edges. When she drained the sink it would then have all stuck and she may have panicked and tried to hide it. Not saying it's acceptable, it's absolutely not, but may be another example of thoughtless preteen behaviour rather than deliberate damage.