To cancel cinema trip?

[goodfornothinggnome]

So were really going through it at the moment with DD.

A lot has changed recently with her, shes going through puberty, so were sort of trying to stop babying her, but shes really not being very good at the moment.

Last week I said to her, let's meet in town for coffee and we can do some shopping. DD asked if she could bring a friend, I said ok, that'll be fine- I knew it would change the trip, but that's ok. I waited in Starbucks, she turns up with her friend, says can I have the money for my shopping- ok so she wants to hold money for her stuff, she can learn to budget then I think to myself.
She gets a coffee for her and her friend to take away.....and stroll past me. So i realise I've been left. No shopping trip together. I was a little bit upset, but thought I don't want to ruin this for her or me, I'll go off for a walk around myself. I saw her several times, and she completely blanked me.

I got a call a bit later to take her friends (they gained another friend in town) I'd calmly explained I thought it was a trip for us to talk and shop together without her dad. I just got a stern OK and folded arms.

On Saturday, she started moaning that she needed to go out and get a mothers day present for me, she saw it the other day in primark whilst with her friends, I said, why didn't you buy it then? Her reply, Dad buys your presents. So come Sunday, he says we will go and get you a gift, and got me a pandora bracelet and a few charms. She started saying I'd lost a bracelet of hers when I cleaned her room...mumsnet, I'm telling you all I didn't touch or see it. She then went quiet.
My husband said let's go and get a coffee and doughnut, because she loves it. It's an ongoing joke that every time I go past a travel agency I book a holiday, so was joking that I could run to a travel agency nearby and book next years holiday (see it is a joke because we don't have a holiday for next year planned yet!) She started to grab at me and before I knew it, she had slapped me around the face. I was really upset with her, quite shocked because we don't even play like that so her insistence she was playing wasn't even understandable to me.

Then last night she said to me, don't worry about tucking me in tonight, I'll put myself to bed, so I'm thinking theres something upstairs she doesn't want me to see. So I take her up to bed, and I realise her bathroom door is closed. Unlike her as she likes the bathroom door open and the light on, so theres a little bit of light in her bedroom.

Her bathroom is a complete shit tip. Mumsnet, I don't know how she managed it, but there are full on blobs of conditioner all over the bath, the sink is smeared with nail varnish, the toilet is full of loo roll and there are clothes all over the floor.

This morning she refused to get ready for school, she took an hour and a half to put on a top and leggings- forgot to shower (despite being told 3 times this morning!) She was "ready" 10 minutes after we should have left. She had her shoes in her hand, jumper wrapped around her waist, and she didn't "need" a coat. She told me she would put shoes on when she was in school. So I said, no way, you put your shoes on IN this house. You put your jumper on, and your coat too. We are late, so do it quickly. She huffs at me and rolls her eyes.

I cancelled her trip to the cinema tonight with her friends.

I feel like an absolute cow, because she went into school crying, but I'm actually refusing to take her and 3 friends to the cinema, pay for their tickets and sweets, to then take these children home after, to continue to have our home, and me treated this way.

I'm sorry this is so long and massively detailed, but I just need to vent a little bit.

I know the shopping trip is just 11 year olds not thinking, but i just feel like the way she went about it showed there was no respect at all for me. She could have said, I'd prefer to just go with a friend. It would have saved me waiting around, and a trip to town I didn't even want!

they are expected to buy a gift for family birthdays, Mother and Father's Day and Xmas out of that.

that sounds very harsh!

Really? They are happy to do it and get a gift from their sibling in return so win-win?

I don’t think expecting them to buy gifts is harsh at all.
until they earn their own money, I think they are too young to impose gift buying - but if you are ok with handmade or just a card that's different.
I think it's different to push them towards buying a gift for their own siblings or your own if that makes sense.

There's also the fact that there's a gap between my youngest and my eldest, so the little ones would be crushed not to have enough money to buy something, even when spending everything they have, whilst the others wouldn't even see a dent in their wallet if they buy a bunch of flowers.

To be fair, mine are a bit too generous without prompting (or with my wallet when it's their friends birthdays ), so I haven't really given it much thought!

Box up all the make up, confiscate the phone for a month. You really need to get a grip on this and DH must back you up.

i think you were probably too stunned and shocked to do anything when she slapped you, weren't you? And if the friends were there, she was showing off in front of them. Not that that's any excuse!

Is she a bit spoilt because she's an only child, OP? Like others have said, time to start being a parent, you're not a friend.

Obviously remove all nail varnishes until she's old enough to clean up after herself

Ruby, I had thought that when cleaning it earlier, but theres a new container in her bathroom with her nail polishes in- or was! So if she did that in the sink whilst there was a sparkling clean container I'd be even more annoyed.

But moving forward, yes her expectations, and ours. We can discuss that and need to implement it, that's how we've done everything up until now but since shes had more freedom, and I promise I'm not a walk over, people usually call me a helicopter parent, and just trying to sort of let go, gi e her some space, were here.

And I will stop tucking her in, she usually asks, except for last night when she wanted to conceal the sink..

I read it as she meant to give you a playful slap because you said you were booking a holiday ,
I cant see if you have put her age , but surely shes too old to be tucked in at night ?

Take away all make up and crafty stuff- she can used the craft stuff whilst she's supervised.

It's absolutely fine to impose a harsher consequence for the slapping now, she's not a toddler, she understands delayed consequences, just explain very clearly why and absolutely highlight how upset it made you.

Any nicer things she has (nicer clothes etc), take them away for now, she can earn them back by doing chores.

She also needs set chores to earn pocket money (and the WiFi password ).

I don't actually see the issue with her having the decaf coffee and I'm even more baffled as a lot of posters were adamant non decaf tea is fine for a preschooler on a previous thread .

You may be trying to give her freedom but she needs to earn that. She needs boundaries or she will be walking all over you in a matter of months.

Peliroco- shes 11, it didn't feel that way, but even if she intended it that way, we don't play like that. Shes the one who asks to be tucked in, I'd prefer not to in all fairness because she is at that stage where she wants to put her stamp on everything, so shes put posters up and theres pictures shes drawn blue tacked on the wall (all slightly slanted!) And I'm not a lover of it, but trying so very hard not to make it known.

And also, I think someone tried to make the link between her being spoilt and an only child. In all fairness, I think her being spoilt has been more about me making sure she has more because I had very little in my childhood- so if I had 4 they'd all be spoilt the same way, but i guess theres more because theres only one of her.. I am working on giving her less too now I'm aware of it

Shes the one who asks to be tucked in, I'd prefer not to in all fairness because she is at that stage where she wants to put her stamp on everything, so shes put posters up and theres pictures shes drawn blue tacked on the wall (all slightly slanted!)

I am sorry, but that doesn't any make any sense to me.
Are you trying to punish her for her choice of posters? that's terrible.

Either you disagree and she is not allowed - fine.
Or you agree, she is allowed, but then do not be passive aggressive about it, ignore them and tuck her in! She is still a child!

You are the adult here, be consistent, and fair.

I thought she was going to be much older!

My 11 year old son wouldn't be shopping in town on his own, or drinking starbucks coffee but maybe that's a personality thing!

You absolutely weren't unreasonable to cancel the trip. Her attitude earned that punishment all on its own and the untidiness etc is worth a separate one!

I know your'e doing your best, it sounds like at the bottom of it all, you deserve more respect than you're getting. Hopefully a few new strict rules and no automatic generous mum will get the point across.

So a few questions,
Posters seem to agree, a month grounded and stuff taken away,
Were due to go away for the weekend over Easter. Do I cancel, or allow her to earn the trip back?

Can certainly remove all of the nice things, including phone.

Do you and husband want to go on the trip? Grounded over easter holidays. Remove phone and let her earn it back?

New rules with regards to cleaning room and pocket money and no more free trips for her mates.

Sit her down and explain exactly why. Ignoring you, slapping you, lateness, messy room (least of problems imo)

I'm not punishing her at all for her choice in posters. I'd just prefer that I didn't have to go in her bedroom to see them every day, is all I'm saying. She is at an age where shes going to want her room a certain way, and whilst it's not how I want my house, I have to accept that's her space and leave it. I only discussed this to try and sort of touch on the fact that her bedroom isn't a comfortable place for me, so I'm not exactly queuing up each night to tuck her in, but I did realise there was something up when she asked me specifically not to tuck her in last night, otherwise I'd have had no idea about the sink

i was just about to say the nail varnish in the sink looks like an attempt at marble nails, definitely polish added to water in the sink and maybe not realising the mess it would make, or even taking out plug and walking away not seeing the mess left behind. donest look like a deliberate throwing nail polish around, just thoughtless behaviour.

I would also add, pick your battles - otherwise its constant arguments over the tiniest of things that build up in your mind and havent even crossed hers.

Well done. If my 12 year old dd slapped me, I'd come down on her straight away.

Why should you have to cancel an easter trip that I'm assuming you're looking forward to? You shouldn't have to suffer the consequences also, punish her in other ways. I think a month grounded is enough, maybe phone taken from her for a week?

If it's something you can cancel and not still have to pay for, then cancel. That'll bring it home to her. Otherwise, if you'll lose money over it I'd still go but not lift any of the sanctions (including phone).

Take some bin bags into her room and gut it!!!!

You sound like a lovely mum, trying to give your dd the best childhood you can.
However, you’ re not doing her any favours for adulthood if you don’t start implementing some firm boundaries and expecting her to do chores.
Yes, give her treats like shopping and cinema with friends but she needs to understand that there are expectations of her and her behaviour.

My dd drank the odd latte and went shopping with her friends in y7. They go to a big shopping centre and would go for 2 hours or so and call me to be picked up.

I think her ignoring you in the shop sounds really hurtful, maybe worse then the slap! I wouldn't have dared to do that to my mum, not through fear of punishment but because she is my mum and it would be disrespectful.

I think maybe somewhere along the line your daughter has lost respect for you and maybe you didn't pull her up on it at the time.

If she is as nice as you say she was, I don't think it would take much to get her back to behaving nicely again as long as you nip it in the bud quickly. I think I would give her a 'who do you think you are talking to/treating like that' kind of speech.

So what did you do about her hitting you?

Little bit extreme that slanted pictures make you 'uncomfortable'!

I would definitely remove all make up and nail varnishes for the month too, until she can be trusted to use them without trashing the place, or if an accident happens ask for help if she can't clean it.

I wouldn't cancel the Easter trip though. I'd sit down and have a really serious talk about how hurtful she was in ignoring you like that and most especially in hitting you. It's ok to want to shop with friends instead but the way she did it was cruel.

Don’t cancel a family trip. Rather she’s not allowed out with friends until she can respect you. And during the break make it clear that each member of the family has rights and responsibility. Eg take it in turns to lay the table for breakfast

And I agree with take away make up until she can be trusted. She has to ask you for it

And buy a giant pin board for posters. I don’t allow blue tack on walls either!