To buy a flat with no outside space with 2 kids - am I making a mistake??

[AliciaWhiskers]

Back story is that I split from my ex 3 years ago, the divorce came through last year and he bought me out of our marital home. I have been renting, and am now trying to buy somewhere.

I've got 2 boys who are 10 and 7. 10 year old has ASD and loves football, so at the moment he is outside a lot of the time playing football. Our current rental property has a large shared courtyard (concrete, rather than grass) where he does this. 7 year old prefers lego and playing inside, and is a bit of a nightmare to try and encourage outside.

I've found a place that I like (and the kids like), but it's a flat, in a very large complex (80+ flats), and with no outside space. The nearest park would be a 10 minute walk away. With 10 year old's ASD, I couldn't let him go there by himself at the moment, and it will be tricky to encourage 7 yo to come with us.

I love the flat, but the lack of outside space really worries me. I can't afford anything bigger (ie a small house with a garden) in the same area, so the alternative would be to look further out but be in the car more. This flat means we could walk to school/work/shops etc. Being able to walk to places is one of my main priorities - my mental health really suffers being reliant on a car to get everywhere.

AIBU to move from a rental place with some outside space, to somewhere with none? (If it makes any difference, their Dad's house, where they spend half of their time, is a huge 5 bed detached house with a big garden. This would be a 3 bed flat)

Help!!

I would compromise on inside space to get some out door space.
I don’t think either are good plan.
Where you are now is eating into your lump sum plus it might be ok for a few 10 year olds to kick a ball around in a shared court yard but not so much as they get older as I can’t see other residents being happy with a bunch of preteens/ teens doing the same.
The 3 bed flat although is in a good location lack out door space and probably has high ground rent.
I would carry on looking and if needed move to a cheaper rental whilst doing so.

Fitness clubs / David Lloyd etc. may be a solution, but not knowing OP's DS1 we don't know.

I definitely do know children with ASD for whom this really wouldn't be the answer. For many children with an ASD, the need to be outside or the need to kick the ball might be immediate. 15 minutes when they need it can be calming and prevent things becoming difficult. Waiting for an hour's trip to the sports club at time suitable for all members of the family may actually add more stress to the situation, rather than help.

This is different from teaching a child to wait or delay expectations for a fun activity, I'm talking about sensory processing needs and emotional regulation difficulties that if they are not accomodated can lead to meltdowns or distress etc.

It is possible that taking away the option of 15 minutes when DS1 needs it could tip the balance for him, and have a massive impact on all the family. It won't matter how much he likes the new flat, if his needs are not being met.

As discussed up the thread, there are possibily alternative ways of meeting his needs, but it is not necessarily as straightforward as some posters seem to think.

Buy the flat and get moving on the conveyancing quickly as there isn't a lot of time between now and August. Is there room on the mezzanine level for an indoor table tennis table? Look for a football club for ds.

compromise on inside space to get some out door space.I don’t think either are good plan
Essentially with a fixed amount & diminishing savings op compromises on
Space
Location
Outdoor space
That’s essentially what it comes down to.

Op already ruled out moving to a cheaper rental,doesn’t want disruption of multiple moves

If op stays in her rental1 further year from August she’ll have spend £94k. She’s haemorrhaging money

I know lots of kids with ASD for whom David Lloyd was amazing including my child who is ASD. He went from having a tantrum at school every PE lesson to it being his favourite lesson. Not every child with ASD is the same but its just something worth trying. My DS would rather I was with him that spending an extra hour a day commuting to a place with a garden. Kids can just go outside any time they want at DL. We went after school for 3 hours or so 3 hours a week and he made friends there, never had a successful playdate.

Penguinpandarabbit I'm not saying David Lloyd etc. aren't fantastic and might be fabulous for children with or without asd.

I'm cautioning against assuming it will be right for OP's ds that's all.

You also have to take into account that ds2 may not want to spend 3 hours a day 3 times a week at a sports club.

Perhaps it would be fabulous for ds1 as well but based on what OP has said it could be problematic.

Sorry - I meant it could be fab for ds2 and give him an interest in sports etc. But that's not his thing currently according to OP

There's quite a few other things than sport there - some people went just to socialise, watch TV and go on computers, not sure why you would pay so much to do that but computers were useful for kids. There's a big indoor playcentre by the cafe / restaurant suitable for kids up to 10ish and we used to eat there. DS loved food as its exactly the same every time. The kids clubs include art and watching films etc, only about 50 percent are sports. It may not work but you can trial it for 14 days atm for £16 and see. I am not on commission 😂. We don't go anymore as kids are older and moved to countryside now which kids love but know plenty of people happy in cities and in flats. DH grew up in a flat with no garden but was in central Paris and he says was fine. Think there's always a downside unless you have unlimited budget. I think solutions can be found for most things even with ASD children, but you just have to try different things until one works. We have a lovely big garden here but my kids hardly step foot in it, they did at primary age but not now at secondary. DS will do our water rower, I got it for me, but he uses it far more, about 5 times a day.

I tell you what Penguinpandarabbit, whether or not it's the solution for OP, you will have opened lots of people's eyes - I certainly didn't know they offered so much!
Maybe

I don’t know if David Lloyd have different prices depending on where you are in the country but my local David Lloyd would be coasting well over £100 per month for a family of 3. Ok to pay if you can afford it and you are going to get a lot of use out of it but a bit expensive if one child doesn’t enjoy it and the other just wants to kick a ball about.

@Bluesmartiesarebest

Mumsnet is a parallel universe sometimes! You’ll be fine in a flat. It suits you for schooling, work and living purposes. You can find an alternative outdoor space for your DS.

Mumsnet is a parallel universe? No it's not. I don't know a soul irl who would prefer to live in a flat, rather than a house or bungalow (with a garden, drive, and garage etc...)

I’ve managed to dry laundry inside without a tumble drier for 10 years. I have a garden but because I can’t lift wet washing down steps I don’t take it outside (mobility issues). I use a heated airer which is brilliant and the windows are opened while the washing dries.

Good for you!

Jesus wept! There are some very defensive, snarky comments from a few posters on here. The OP simply asked for opinions, and people gave the opinion that the OP would better off living in a house with a garden (with 2 young boys,) rather than a flat with no outside space at all! Big deal! Most people would say that. If you are so secure in your choice to live in a flat, why do you care what others think or say?

I have a house with a garden, (front and back,) and I love it, and spend lots of my free time in it, and my kids loved having a garden when they were growing up. I hated not having one (during the 2 years I was in my flat,) and I will never be without one again (by choice.) If other people said they can't see the point in having one, and can't see why I need a house and garden, I wouldn't give a fuck, because I am happy with it!

@Bluesmartiesarebest

Mumsnet is a parallel universe sometimes! You’ll be fine in a flat. It suits you for schooling, work and living purposes. You can find an alternative outdoor space for your DS.

Mumsnet is a parallel universe? No it's not. I don't know a soul irl who would prefer to live in a flat, rather than a house or bungalow (with a garden, drive, and garage etc...)

I’ve managed to dry laundry inside without a tumble drier for 10 years. I have a garden but because I can’t lift wet washing down steps I don’t take it outside (mobility issues). I use a heated airer which is brilliant and the windows are opened while the washing dries.

Good for you!

Jesus wept! There are some very defensive, snarky comments from a few posters on here. The OP simply asked for opinions, and people gave the opinion that the OP would be better off living in a house with a garden (with 2 young boys,) rather than a flat with no outside space at all! Big deal! Most people would say that. If you are so secure in your choice to live in a flat, why do you care what others think or say?

I have a house with a garden, (front and back,) and I love it, and spend lots of my free time in it, and my kids loved having a garden when they were growing up. I hated not having one (during the 2 years I was in my flat,) and I will never be without one again (by choice.) If other people said they can't see the point in having one, and can't see why I need a house and garden, I wouldn't give a fuck, because I am happy with it!

They do have different pricing for each one and are very secretive with pricing. It isn't cheap though if you use it a lot its good value - DS was £30 a month and did around 30 hours of clubs, playcentre, computers each month and often in the clubs there were only a few kids. DD was also £30 a month and went swimming about 10 times a month and to clubs about 10 hours a month. I was about £70 a month and did swimming, jacuzzi, steam room about 3 times a week, indoor and outdoor pools and all given towels. Sometimes had 1/2 pool to myself. Its also open far longer than our local authority one which is never open after school. I couldn't make it work now as would just go once a week though I miss it. I think they do kids football clubs but check and each one varies. You also get 10 percent off holiday clubs by being a member. We got quite a few free months too (5 months for price of 3 type deals).

don't know a soul irl who would prefer to live in a flat, rather than a house or bungalow (with a garden, drive, and garage etc...)
Me I was that IRL soul, for years. Currently have friends & family who too live in tenements and apartments by choice
I’d never buy a bungalow they’re aesthetically gross and usually surrounded by other fugly bungalow
It really isn’t everyone dream,or aspiration to gave a garden garage and a drive

Honestly if I lived alone, or even without a child, a flat in the city centre, with or without a garden would be preferable to a house further out with a garden/garage /shed/the works.

As it is, I have a young son and a garden for me personally is non negotiable until he is at an age where outside is somewhere he'd rather not be.

“it will be tricky to encourage 7 yo to come with us.”

He’s 7. You’re the parent. There’s no ‘encouraging’ required...

Two autistic children in a flat here, and saying don't do it.

He’s 7.You’re the parent. There’s no ‘encouraging’ required...

You do realise how difficult it can be being the sibling of a child with asd, dont you CatGoals?

If ds1 needs daily access to physical activity or outside space it is grossly unfair on ds2 to be forced to follow suit.

Thanks all so much for your replies.

I'm so torn!

I'm mainly worried that buying the flat would be a huge mistake.

BUT

My options are somewhat limited.

1. Stay in the rental house for another year - which will cost me another £24k, which I can't really afford, and is a 4th year of living somewhere that is very nice, but is not "home"
2. Rent somewhere different, that is cheaper. I don't want to move the kids around more than is necessary. It's also more money that I'm spending in rent, eating into my savings. My income won't cover even a cheaper rental - but I do have a large deposit for a house and can afford the small mortgage that I've applied for
3. Buy the flat. Accept that it's not completely ideal, but nowhere will be completely ideal at this point in my life, and I do need to compromise somewhere
4. Buy a smaller house, further out. Aside from the fact that there isn't much that fits into this category on the market, there definitely isn't one that I like, and I'm back into needing to drive everywhere which I really found negatively affected my mental health previously.

I have this rental place until the start of August. So I've got 4 months to sort something out.

The David Lloyd idea is a good one. DS2 likes swimming. They might even do some of the kids classes, although that might take a lot of encouragement (for both!)

It's a fine line between DS1 enjoying something, and feeling stressed and overstimulated by it. Often after school we just come home and chill, because he needs that too, but he can just nip out and play football when he wants to here. It's the convenience of being able to do that that I'll (and he'll) really miss. He isn't at all worried about this, BTW. He thinks it'll be fine. But I'm not sure he really grasps what it will mean to have to all get organised to go out to the park etc every time he wants to play, or just not be able to go out and play when he wants to.

Option 4 is best IMO. Why do you think driving more would affect your MH more than living in a flat with no outdoor space? How much time each day would you be driving?

Loopytiles When I was still with ExH, we moved about 2 miles further out of town. From there it was approx 3 miles to school, and 5 miles to my work - too far to walk on a working day. So I went from walking to work on my 2 working days, to driving (we used to have car parking at work at that time). I HATED it. I need to be out and about, I hate sitting in a car, I hate getting stressed feeling that I will be late because there is traffic. I hate driving to school and getting stressed about parking, and the kids being late. I currently work 3-4 days per week. I can't drive to work. I can't park near school, or work. So I would probably have to get the bus into work. I did that for 2 years when I worked full time, and again I hated it. I know what works for me and what doesn't. I think being in the car more would be worse for my mental health than being in a flat with no garden/outside space. I am used to taking the boys out a lot because of this. I can't stand being cooped up in the house all day, regardless of whether or not we have a garden. I go a bit stir crazy, and so do they. On weekends we are pretty much always out.

What is the option that you all like? Not MN and their notions that you just have to have outdoor space or you'll die/go crazy/are a shit parent, but YOU ALL.

If I gave them the choice, the kids might say to stay here. But that's not really an option. They do both like the flat, though. They keep asking me about it and when we can move in.