To buy a flat with no outside space with 2 kids - am I making a mistake??

[AliciaWhiskers]

Back story is that I split from my ex 3 years ago, the divorce came through last year and he bought me out of our marital home. I have been renting, and am now trying to buy somewhere.

I've got 2 boys who are 10 and 7. 10 year old has ASD and loves football, so at the moment he is outside a lot of the time playing football. Our current rental property has a large shared courtyard (concrete, rather than grass) where he does this. 7 year old prefers lego and playing inside, and is a bit of a nightmare to try and encourage outside.

I've found a place that I like (and the kids like), but it's a flat, in a very large complex (80+ flats), and with no outside space. The nearest park would be a 10 minute walk away. With 10 year old's ASD, I couldn't let him go there by himself at the moment, and it will be tricky to encourage 7 yo to come with us.

I love the flat, but the lack of outside space really worries me. I can't afford anything bigger (ie a small house with a garden) in the same area, so the alternative would be to look further out but be in the car more. This flat means we could walk to school/work/shops etc. Being able to walk to places is one of my main priorities - my mental health really suffers being reliant on a car to get everywhere.

AIBU to move from a rental place with some outside space, to somewhere with none? (If it makes any difference, their Dad's house, where they spend half of their time, is a huge 5 bed detached house with a big garden. This would be a 3 bed flat)

Help!!

I went from a 4bd house with huge garden to 2bd flat with small shared outside space. I have 2 active DCs and we are getting back to the house ASAP! It has really affected us. The house was waaay outside the city, the flat is really central (and still pricier despite size), and we really underestimated how cramped we'd feel. I would now always go for somewhere further out of area with big garden - you can't underestimate how valuable it is to throw open the doors and let them run free while you chill with a cuppa! We are changing our whole lives (jobs, schools etc.) just to get that outside space back.

Is your Ex paying Maintenance? If he earns X4 more than you please apply if you already have not and get the money off him. If we can help search for property's for you let us all know. It sounds like you are in a right dilemma!

Dress Op is running out of cash and can't keep looking. If you read the thread you'd see that she's in a tricky area where most things are out of her limit.

Honestly, it wouldn't really bother me or dd. who would be happy never going anywhere. But I can we I am in the minority.

I wouldn't do it. We have a garden and I can just about imagine doing without it. But we are 3 minutes from the park with no roads to cross.

I think your last post swings the flat for me. If you’re used to being out and about, you’ll get out and do things so you won’t be cooped up. You also would have to make a big sacrifice by moving further out and driving more if you hate it so much.

For me personally, I’d always want a garden but you aren’t me and the flat sounds good for your circs.

Where in Bristol is it? If near the university I’d totally do it as you will always have the option to rent it out if it doesn’t work.

From the info you have given I would buy the flat. You realise you will have to compromise but know that being able to walk places is really not something you can compromise on.

The fact that your kids spend half the time with their dad with access to outside space would swing it for me. That and the fact that when you are on your own without the kids your home also needs to work for just you.

"August is round the corner and you need a plan"

She doesn't have to move out by August, as I've already said

RaffertyFair Tue 02-Apr-19 12:28:40
Alicia the flat sounds fabulous - I can completely understand why you'd want to buy it!

Can you do an analysis of DS1's needs to try and work out what the consequences might be?

e.g. is the kicking a football essential?
is being in the open air essential?
what happens if DS1 doesn't / can't get outside for that 15 minute kick around?
Are there any alternatives that might serve a similar purpose?
Does DS need to be able to 'get out' when agitated?

Those are off the top of my head. I'm thinking that if you could identify the specific needs of your DS1 and the purpose served by the football / outside space, you might be able to judge if it is essential ...

If there is an alternative way of meeting his needs e.g. could the office space have an indoor tampoline or soft cushions or sensory stuff.

Or could you make that space a safe lego area for DS2 and allow DS1 to use the open plan space in a physical way (indoor football or climbing bar on the door perhaps?

RafferyFair what a lovely helpful post! You must have experience with children with SEN, just reading your post made me think the OP could do it. That was so nice.

I think being in the car more would be worse for my mental health than being in a flat with no garden/outside space. I am used to taking the boys out a lot because of this. I can't stand being cooped up in the house all day, regardless of whether or not we have a garden. I go a bit stir crazy, and so do they. Do it - and save yourself £24K into the bargain. The boys are spending half the time at their dad’s, you are spending all your time at the flat. The boys love the flat - soon they’ll be old enough to walk to and from school on their own and from that flat they’ll be able to do so. It’s a good way of beginning to give kids independence and much harder to do,if you live out of town and they have to be driven everywhere. If you can’t afford a house and garden in the same location as the flat then you’ve answered your own question.

Doll, I was not being defensive or snarky (if your comment was aimed at me). I am trying to help the Op see that living in a flat may be possible when she has very limited options. I’m sorry if that is the way that my comments came across.

In an ideal world, of course all parents would choose to live in a big house with a garden. Unfortunately, Alicia is getting through her divorce settlement money because her rent is more than her income. It is better for her future financial security to buy the flat.

I think your comments about laundry were a bit unkind, when I was only trying to explain that I am severely disabled and manage without using a garden to dry washing. When you have limited funds and hate driving in busy areas, there isn’t going to be an easy solution for housing.

Are there no 2 or 1 bedroom flats in the area with a garden.

I have lived in a flat growing up and whilst in winter it wasn’t really a problem in summer it was really unpleasant.

The garden is another room which means you can just open your doors and the boys can go out and run around, play football and generally let off steam as well as you can just pop out with a cup of coffee to clear the cobwebs now and again.

You also have the ability to keep the flat cooler and less stuffy in summer.

Whilst you might like going out each day. This is under your own autonomy.

I suggest thinking about each time atm your eldest runs out to play football and to imagine that instead of letting him out in the back garden where you can carry on with what you are doing, that you have to stop what you are doing (cooking tea, ironing, hoovering, reading, watching a tv programme etc) to get yourself and your dc ready to walk 10 minutes to the park. Then be there for 30-45 minutes before walking the 10 minutes back home to resume what you were doing. Then imagine doing that when the other child is reluctant to go out.

In your position I would trade a bedroom or 2 for a garden.

The flat you are looking at might be lovely but it isn’t practical

They do both like the flat, though. They keep asking me about it and when we can move in.

Of course they do, it’s exciting, BUT have you actually told your ASD 10 year old that they won’t be able to play football anywhere? I know the misery and meltdowns mine would suffer if they could no longer do something they loved.

For me, being in the car drives me insane.

I’m thinking an ASD 10 year old who is climbing the walls because they have nowhere to be outside would be similar.

Are you able to buy or lease a new car.

I used to find driving very very tiring and stressful sitting in queues, on and off the clutch till my leg ached and I can’t park for shit so that was another stress.

I bought a car (but you can go down the lease route and if you look carefully you can get really good deals).
My car is an automatic so in traffic jams I don’t have the leg ache because there is no pedal to depress with my left leg.
I don’t even have a handbrake, I have a button on the end of one of the “arms”

I have not only cameras and beepers but also Assisted Parking which is the greatest. I have got into spaces that I would defy any human to get into with in 3 moves

I couldn’t go back to driving a manual again.

If you did move a little further out and you find driving stressful I would definitely look at a different car.

You’ve had loads of great advice so I don’t necessarily want to offer more!

However, one thing I remember really vividly from when we bought our place was that we had to compromise on something.

I didn’t want to but we had to, and everyone does I think. At least on one thing and sometimes more than one thing. In your case you have three peoples’ needs to balance including your own - plus a financial constraint.

This means you will have to compromise - if you’ve seen 50 places, and only one you liked and even that one is a compromise, this tells me you have to compromise!

Good luck with your decision - it’s inxredinly stressful.

However, one thing I remember really vividly from when we bought our place was that we had to compromise on something.

This is very true - though we did from lists of this is what we absolutely need, this we'd like and this would be useful and this is what we can afford.

It didn't leave a huge choice but we got what we liked within that choice.

If you've looked at 50 properties - and this is only possible then I think it's more working out how to manage the lack of outdoor space.

Am feeling a lot better about things this morning. Have been for a walk in the area around the flat. There is a green area, small ish square, mostly flat, ok for football, a 2 min walk from the flat. The bigger green area, including a playground, is a 5 min walk away. That feels much more doable than dragging a reluctant 7yo on a 15 minutes walk. Plus we have to pass a very nice cafe, so that will make it a bit easier if I can encourage good behaviour with a drink/cake.

What a great update Alicia
Good luck with everything!

Sounds fab, Alicia! Plenty of people grow up in flats with no outdoor space, even with ASD, all over the world, and do just fine. It's only in the UK that it's considered some massive Dickensian failing.

Fab news, get an offer in quick!!

Plenty of people grow up in flats with no outdoor space, even with ASD, all over the world, and do just fine. It's only in the UK that it's considered some massive Dickensian failing.

The issue has always been about easy access to outdoor space - not whether a garden is an essential element to a escape a Dickensian childhood MadameAnchou

Of course there are children (including those with an ASD) who live happy lives without a garden or even easy access to open space. But, for some children with an ASD, losing that access could make a massive difference and tip the balance completely.

Alicia has discovered that this facility is availble much closer than initially thought. So, the flat in fact can meet the family's needs.

It's very easy to dismiss or underestimated the impact of something apparently simple can have on on the lives and wellbeing of children with an ASD.

(The bold is to cover the obvious fact that every autistic child is an individual before someone jumps on me )

Great work!

I was thinking about sporty things a child could do inside a flat without damaging themselves or the furniture. My DC push back the sofa and do gym. I did wonder if you could get an indoor basketball hoop-especially as you would have a mezzanine level so a bit of height for it.

Good luck and happy city living !

Ooooh Zigbot what a great idea about the basketball hoop!!

Thanks RaffertyFair for all your excellent posts and advice. They have been really helpful

keep us posted Alicia