To buy a flat with no outside space with 2 kids - am I making a mistake??

[AliciaWhiskers]

Back story is that I split from my ex 3 years ago, the divorce came through last year and he bought me out of our marital home. I have been renting, and am now trying to buy somewhere.

I've got 2 boys who are 10 and 7. 10 year old has ASD and loves football, so at the moment he is outside a lot of the time playing football. Our current rental property has a large shared courtyard (concrete, rather than grass) where he does this. 7 year old prefers lego and playing inside, and is a bit of a nightmare to try and encourage outside.

I've found a place that I like (and the kids like), but it's a flat, in a very large complex (80+ flats), and with no outside space. The nearest park would be a 10 minute walk away. With 10 year old's ASD, I couldn't let him go there by himself at the moment, and it will be tricky to encourage 7 yo to come with us.

I love the flat, but the lack of outside space really worries me. I can't afford anything bigger (ie a small house with a garden) in the same area, so the alternative would be to look further out but be in the car more. This flat means we could walk to school/work/shops etc. Being able to walk to places is one of my main priorities - my mental health really suffers being reliant on a car to get everywhere.

AIBU to move from a rental place with some outside space, to somewhere with none? (If it makes any difference, their Dad's house, where they spend half of their time, is a huge 5 bed detached house with a big garden. This would be a 3 bed flat)

Help!!

HennyPennyHorror soon be old enough to go to the park themselve

That may not be the case for a child with an asd. Ds1 may be emotionally less mature than his NT peers , may be more anxious, may be vulnerable and therefore less safe to be independent ...

That's a good point Rafferty but the fact is that he may not always want to play football.

I'm going to go against the grain - i was in your exact same position and have done this.
My ex H bought out my share (minus some..) of our house and i did not want to rent but needed to live close to shcools for our 2 DDS. 50/50 parenting - their dad has a garden, a small swimming pool, lots of space. I moved into a 4th floor flat (top floor) which was all i could afford in a good area close to my work and their shcool - i have grown to love it. I dont feel claustraphobic at all, its all mine even though we have no garden and they share ( (large) bedroom - they were 4 and 6 when we moved here.
For me getting back on the ladder was more important then holding out for something i knew would never come up - and i couldnt have afforded to pay for something bigger on my own anyway..
IN the summer we spend alot of time outside (lucky we close to the beach) and we have all got alot fitter using our bikes and just generally getting out and about!
I would simply explain to your children whats happening and why, and they will get on with that - especially as the flat is great?! Life doesnt always go to plan, and starting again with something not ideal on paper can - and does - work out. My DDs would rather have their own bedroom, a large garden and a swimming pool like their Dads - and so would I - but life happens ..!

It's not a question of the OP wanting / needing her own garden - it's about her ds (asd) having easy access to safe outdoor space. In their current rented place it's a communal yard and it meets his needs (according to the OP).

The benefit to the whole family for her ds1 being able to go out by himself to play football shouldn't be underestimated . The demands and complications of having to all go with him to a park would make life significantly more stressful.

This just about sums it up.

DS1 is only just 10, in year 5. He isn't streetwise, and because of his ASD had few friends and zero interest in socialising. Most of his football is played against me, which is ok at the moment because I can leave DS2 in the house for 15 minutes whilst we play (or he can come outside too and cycle around the courtyard on his bike, which he occasionally does). I don't know at what point he would be able to go to the park by himself. He wouldn't really want to, for a start; he gets pretty anxious and would want me to go with him. I don't know at what point that might improve. And I can't drag DS2 out every time DS1 wants to play. And he's too young to be left at home.

The maintenance charges are quite astronomical, so that's not great either, and the thought of 80+ other flats is a bit but it does seem to be pretty well sound proofed as far as I can tell - plus our flat is on the end so no neighbours above or to one side.

The more I think about it, the more I think it's not going to work.

I have been renting for 3 years and it's taken a huge chunk out of my savings/money from ExH buying me out of our house. Our rental house is lovely, but we can't do anything to it (paint the rooms etc) so it just doesn't feel like home, and I'm desperate for a space to call home again. Probably partly why I have somewhat compromised on this flat, although it seems unwisely.

For those asking why ExH got a much better deal out of the divorce, it's because he is an emotionally abusive man who did everything possible to make it as difficult as possible for me to leave him and divorce him. By the end, I had no strength left to keep fighting. He got a better deal. He earns 4x the amount I do, and can afford a huge mortgage. It does feel unfair, but it's done now. I can't afford a 5 bed detached house, but that's not to say I didn't get a decent sum of money out of the house. It's just I have had to use a load of it to pay rent for the past 3 years.

HennyPennyHorror

That's a good pointRaffertybut the fact is that he may not always want to play football.

I agree - its difficult to predict. That's why I asked OP if staying put in their current rented place might be viable for the time being.

I lived in a flat with no outisde space. its was awful with 3 children. im now in a gf maisonette with front and back garden. I would never go back to a flat again. Maybe try to look for a maisonette?

Dear OP, with two boys, its a massive no from me!

Football thumping round the flat, no outlet in hot summer, no escape from teens......

good luck

Thanks sheusedtobesomeoneelse - that's a really lovely post and your situation sounds very similar to mine. There would be a sense of pride of moving on from the rental place and buying somewhere that is "home" for us, and basically starting again.

I guess anywhere that I buy now is going to be a compromise, because it's all I can afford. It's not going to be a forever home.

Reading back my pst, i do appreciate that i dont have the ASD aspect to take into account though - but as a PP mentioned - 10 year olds playing football can transform into something totally different a couple of years down the line!.. (ASD or not!)

I also didn't mention I totally agree with you on the practical aspects of walking places/good transport links - i have a 9 minute tram ride to town centre, local shops 3 mins away.. so practical and if i had to choose i'd choose that over large house + having to take the car everywhere!

Can you tell i love my (horrible on paper) flat?!

AliciaWhiskers you have a lot on your plate and trying to do the best for everyone is tough. I wish there a simple solution.

That, for me was what clinched it, its doing what you can with what you have!
I had no fight left for getting more money either - my pride was severly dented and it was scaryt enough starting out on my own.
The day i got the keys to my flat i went there and cried and cried on the floor, i was desperately sad but also determined to make it good!
My 2 DDs know how to be careful with their feet and if they wan tthe music up loud, then they have earphones, if they wan tto let off steam then it happens when we're out, they're growing up and things will not be like this forever.

Rafferty I have considered renting for another year. The rental house is lovely and we all like it there. But the rent is just crazy - it is about £24k a year (I don't even earn that much, so it's all coming out of the money I got when exH bought me out of the house). It's wasted money, and the landlord won't move to a rolling contract so if I want to stay I have to sign up for another year.

DS1 does play football for a team, but that's only training 1 night a week and 1 match on the weekend. He is outside pretty much every day kicking the ball around, even if it's only for 15 minutes or so

Obviously I don't know OP's DS1, but it's important for people to understand that there can a massive difference between a child with ASD not having their needs met (e.g. needing to be outside for 15 minutes to regulate emotions) and a NT child missing out on something they enjoy (playing football)

Sorry Alicia we crossed posts.

I completely uderstand the financial frustration - that's a lot of money!!

Could buy to let and stay renting give you a toe on ladder ...

As you’ve said you’re renting an expensive house £24k
At the mo you’re spending your savings and it’s not sustainable or sensible
You may have to move to a purchased flat with no garden save money move when you can afford a garden

I think you'd need to take ds2 to the park when ds1 wanted to go tbh
Would that not be possible?
Or perhaps you could enroll them into sports clubs so they get more exercise that way- would this work for ds1?

It does sound like a big drawback about the outdoor space, is there no chance of a flat next to a playground or park or with shared outdoor space?

Ok I do this, with a child with SN too and I would consider it again if in the same situation BUT you have to constantly make the effort .

For example. I'm in Manchester. There are some huge parks nearby, there are play spots in the city too.
I can get on the transport as well and in less than 10/15 minutes be in great areas of nature reserves and splash parks and a free farm and river walks.

You HAVE to make the effort though. You can't just open the door and let them play. You have to consciously take them out.

I wouldn't completely rule it out without asking on local parenting Facebook groups where others play.

I do this with a child with SN.
The issue is you HAVE to make the effort to take them out.
We are in the city. I can walk or free bus to a couple of lovely but small play areas, water fountains and space to run and kick a ball.

If I walk a bit further I can get to two very large parks.

If I jump on transport I can get to a nature reserve, splash park, a free farm with river walks in a few minutes on the train.

There's also the benefit of the museum's on rainy days most of which do free activities.

You have to make the effort though.

We live in a flat with two DC, we're in a very premium part of the SE and wanted to get on the ladder. We do have outdoor space but dont really use that, we have a great park/museum/cafe within a five minute walk, city centre is a 15 minute walk and massive country park is a 10 minute drive. We'd like to move on to a house but location is important to us, we're near a great secondary school too which my DD just got a place at.

Ffs Mumsnet told me the first one hadn't posted so I typed it all out again

A garden (I don't count a balcony or terrace as outside space, seeing as you can't play football on them) is a luxury. A luxury a lot of people in the UK can afford, but it's still a luxury. Many people live in flats with no outside space and small kids, it's perfectly doable. It takes more organisation and planning, and yes, you will have to hang your washing inside. But it won't be a nightmare (I know because I live in a flat with 2 small kids, as do most people in the city I live in).

I've lived in one flat with no outside space and one with outside space only suitable for sitting it. We were fine as a large park was very nearby and my son was able to go there anytime he wanted. Your situation is so different. Some outside space is needed but it sounds very unlikely you will be able to buy a 'football' sized place. I think you may have to look at a different area despite the issues this will bring.

How much further out of the city centre would you need to be to afford the small house with outside space? I know you've mentioned your mental health and I don't want to dismiss that, but I wonder whether it's one of those things you would get used to it if it weren't too far.

DS is only 20 months old but whilst we've had this nice weather lately it's been so nice to open to patio doors and let him totter about whilst I watch him from inside. I've really noticed a difference in how content he is when he's had some time out there.

Sorry if I've missed this, but what is it that it so fabulous about the flat? Apart from location obviously.

Personally I'd go further out and have the garden. The city centre will still be there so you can have the best of both worlds if you can somehow work through the car issue, but only you can decide whether that's something you feel you're able to tackle.

Our service charge is about £75 a month and the lease started at 999 years from the 90s. We looked at flats with a low lease which is a no go unless you're a cash buyer and ones with high maintenance. Lots of new build estates will be leasehold so it's not just flats.

I have a 9 year old in a small flat with no outdoor space.
I struggle, daily, with lugging bikes/scooter up and down the stairs, then tripping over them once they're in.
I use the tumble dryer almost daily.
My DS is happy enough indoors, but I feel so guilty. Some days, he is literally climbing the walls. There is countryside very close by, and a small park, but I have to go with him. Previously he'd have burned off some energy bouncing on the trampoline and I could be in the kitchen doing dinner or something useful, but now I have to sit (bored) on a park bench, thinking about all the things I could be doing at home.
It's only the thought it won't be forever that helps me cope when I'm rubbing my ankle bone after banging it on a bike pedal for the umpteenth time that day!
No way would I consider a flat like this, long term, if I had any choice, OP.