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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a flat with no outside space with 2 kids - am I making a mistake??

263 replies

AliciaWhiskers · 02/04/2019 09:17

Back story is that I split from my ex 3 years ago, the divorce came through last year and he bought me out of our marital home. I have been renting, and am now trying to buy somewhere.

I've got 2 boys who are 10 and 7. 10 year old has ASD and loves football, so at the moment he is outside a lot of the time playing football. Our current rental property has a large shared courtyard (concrete, rather than grass) where he does this. 7 year old prefers lego and playing inside, and is a bit of a nightmare to try and encourage outside.

I've found a place that I like (and the kids like), but it's a flat, in a very large complex (80+ flats), and with no outside space. The nearest park would be a 10 minute walk away. With 10 year old's ASD, I couldn't let him go there by himself at the moment, and it will be tricky to encourage 7 yo to come with us.

I love the flat, but the lack of outside space really worries me. I can't afford anything bigger (ie a small house with a garden) in the same area, so the alternative would be to look further out but be in the car more. This flat means we could walk to school/work/shops etc. Being able to walk to places is one of my main priorities - my mental health really suffers being reliant on a car to get everywhere.

AIBU to move from a rental place with some outside space, to somewhere with none? (If it makes any difference, their Dad's house, where they spend half of their time, is a huge 5 bed detached house with a big garden. This would be a 3 bed flat)

Help!!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 02/04/2019 10:35

Don’t do it. Years ago I worked with a guy with children younger than yours and they had a small courtyard at their house and a beach house with a large yard. He said the difference in their play and how active they were was huge at the house where they had the space. I’ve never forgotten. My life is easier with a 3yo having moved somewhere he can just run outside.

Osquito · 02/04/2019 10:36
  • even if no outdoor space was available, I think easy access to a local park counts.
Penguinpandarabbit · 02/04/2019 10:38

I would have a look further out - you don't necessarily need to be reliant on a car further out if you choose careful. We are in a village and within walking distance is supermarket (50 metres) and primary and secondary schools (0.5 miles). Prices can go down a lot as you go out so you may be able to get a house with a garden.

I don't think you need a huge garden, we had a small one in last house and with careful planning you can still get a lot in like trampoline, space for kicking football, flowers, table and chairs you put away.

Alternatively could he join a football club, do secondary offer a football club. My DS is ASD and loves our water rower and when his friends come round- all 11 they all are like magnets to it but still think he would be better with access to football.

bingoitsadingo · 02/04/2019 10:38

TBH even most flats with gardens are in absolutely no way suitable for a pre-teen that wants to play football. So not having a garden wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me, but being 10 mins from anywhere suitable to kick a ball about would be.

Bittern11 · 02/04/2019 10:39

Doesn't sound fair at all that your ex has a 5-bed house and you're struggling to find a flat.

I'd keep looking. Sounds like your ds really needs safe outdoor space.

Flowers
Imustbemad00 · 02/04/2019 10:40

My situation is not completely dissimilar to yours. Just wanted to give a bit of a positive. I think it depends a lot on what you are used to. I’ve never had a garden in my life. Not as a child or an adult. My kids do not know any different and neither do I so it raises no issues for us.
We go to the parks ect.
Sometimes I feel envious of people with gardens, and I wouldn’t turn one down. But I’m all honesty I can’t see we would use it much. The dirt of kids coming in and out would drive me completely insane. My oldest wouldn’t go out there, and my youngest would get bored very very quickly of being in a garden with nothing to do and nobody to play with. He’d probably like it at first but the novelty would soon wear off.
I’d never use it either. There’s always things to do indoors and I wouldnt be able to relax sitting in a garden, and would also get bored very quickly.

endofthelinefinally · 02/04/2019 10:41

Living in a flat with one 2yr old is nothing like living in a flat with 2 boys aged 7 and 10, especially when the 10 year old has ASD.

KingLooieCatz · 02/04/2019 10:44

We live in a 2 bed second floor flat, 2 adults and a 10yo with ADHD. And a cat, if that matters. We have access to a shared garden. The deep joy is that someone on the ground floor mows the lawn and if tidy up the borders in spring that's all the work that's required. DS sometimes goes down to the garden by himself or with friends.

Yes, it would be great to fling open a back door and have him roam in and out, but we can walk almost everywhere we go and we're out for most of the day weekends and days off anyway.

Might the ten year old start meeting friends at the park for football in a couple of years anyway? A pretty big garden is required for football.

Laundry is dried on one of those racks attached to the ceiling on a pulley. I do get the odd load outside in the nicer weather.

Don't know if that helps you any!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 02/04/2019 10:45

I’m going to go against most posters and say it’s fine to have no outside space. They are with their father half the time and he has a garden at his property. Does their father live within walking distance? If so, your 10 year old can go for an extra hour or whatever to play in his dad’s garden.

hobblingawayslowly · 02/04/2019 10:46

Living in a flat with one 2yr old is nothing like living in a flat with 2 boys aged 7 and 10, especially when the 10 year old has ASD.

I know that, as stated in my post I was one of four. When we moved somewhere with a garden we were 5, 7, 10 and 11 years old.

I am amazed that people are aghast at having to walk 10 minutes to a park. I wasn't aware that 10 minutes was considered a long walk in any kind of universe - my DS does that and back to nursery every day.

KingLooieCatz · 02/04/2019 10:48

Forgot to mention, most of the families at DS school live city centre and either have no outside space or very limited. Loads of families stay and play in the playground after school, when suburban families might have friends round to play. Parents chill and chat on the benches and the kids run themselves ragged with a bunch of children they know in a familiar space. Possibly DS's favourite bit of the day and hugely compensates for not having a garden of our own. Of course I'm not getting on with the housework during this time, but I enjoy chatting with other parents.

Hoggytat · 02/04/2019 10:50

Nope I would not go for the flat because your ASD child needs access to outside space for his football. That does not have to be your own garden but it does need to have a safe route to/from the space.

I have an ASD DC so know how important it is to find exercise that he enjoys and will do. He has also priority for when I moved house a couple of months ago i.e. Routes to/from school, not too noisy, tucked away so he feels safe etc.

If you go for the flat how would he do his football? Would he have to join a club? (Can he join a club as my DC struggles hugely with that?). Would he need another outlet instead of football?

GreatDuckCookery · 02/04/2019 10:51

We live in a first floor flat with our two year old and two cats. No garden. We're perfectly happy here

That’s very nice but it’s not the same situation as the OP.

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 02/04/2019 10:52

In places where flats are normal (speaking about continental Europe here) so (usually) is accessible nearby outdoor space, either communal green space or a local playground or both. In the UK, I'd definitely hold out for a garden. (It's a bit odd here to see a clash of two absolute top UK priorities - owning and own garden).

GreatDuckCookery · 02/04/2019 10:54

I am amazed that people are aghast at having to walk 10 minutes to a park. I wasn't aware that 10 minutes was considered a long walk in any kind of universe - my DS does that and back to nursery every day

It isn’t a long way, obviously. But the OP doesn’t want to be going to the park numerous times a day so her dc can let off steam or they want to play football or cricket.

bigKiteFlying · 02/04/2019 10:56

I'd hold out of a garden.

First bought house we had alovely garden but neigbour was awful and made being out their stressful - so used to get up and go to local parks - it's a lot more work than just opening the door.

Having said that as they get older 12 and 13 they used the garden less all round.

Inliverpool1 · 02/04/2019 10:57

In your position I would buy the flat at a decent discount just in case, rent it out and use the profit towards renting a house with a garden. I’ve had to do that twice in my life, it worked out well. But be careful with maintenance charges etc they are not cheap

RaffertyFair · 02/04/2019 11:03

It's not a question of the OP wanting / needing her own garden - it's about her ds (asd) having easy access to safe outdoor space. In their current rented place it's a communal yard and it meets his needs (according to the OP).

The benefit to the whole family for her ds1 being able to go out by himself to play football shouldn't be underestimated . The demands and complications of having to all go with him to a park would make life significantly more stressful.

What are the financial implications of simply staying where you are OP?

Pinnacular · 02/04/2019 11:06

I wouldn't rule it out. You could drive to places for nice walks etc. If they're at their dads often then it's a small compromise that will benefit you all in other ways.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/04/2019 11:10

I would. Simply because they'll get older...soon be old enough to go to the park themselves and a secure home is EVERYTHING.

RaffertyFair · 02/04/2019 11:10

You could drive to places for nice walks etc.
OP has said she finds driving stressful, ds2 doesn't like going out and her ds1 has asd so is highly likely to need regular access to space to kick a football around and help regulate his emotions / deal with the stress of school etc.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/04/2019 11:11

Rafferty rather than worry about the financial implications of her current rental, I'd be worried about not owning a home and thus always be at the mercy of landlords who decide to sell.

A secure home is everything when you have children. I'm sure if OP can only afford this place then she's not in a position to waste money on rent.

blue25 · 02/04/2019 11:12

I definitely wouldn't do this. Wait until you can afford something with a garden. I've lived in flats and wouldn't choose to do so with children.

Now we're in a house, being able to fling the doors open in summer and let everyone in and out is lovely.

HennyPennyHorror · 02/04/2019 11:13

And as for DS2 not liking going out...kind of tough luck isn't it?

Going out is good for kids and I know what it's like to have one who doesn't enjoy it.

We compromised...she came with me and her younger sister and she could read a book rather than play. One child's dislike of the park cannot dictate another's future.

Itscoldouthere · 02/04/2019 11:13

I’d also keep looking, when my DC with ASD was 10 he needed lots of time outside to let off steam, even at school they sometimes took him outside during a lesson to avoid a meltdown.
At home he spent lots of time in the garden.
Now he’s 18 I have to drag him out of the house, he’d happily stay indoors all the time 😂
I also spent ages at parks, playgrounds etc but being able to get outside at home made my life so much easier.
Good luck with your search OP