Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

Op what a horrible situation

I think you need to stand with your youngest. The way your eldest has behaved towards her sister is deplorable, I would be ashamed of her tbh. She has chosen her fiancee's family and social niceties over the physical and mental wellbeing of her younger sister. She has made her position very clear which is up to her of course but decisions come with consequences.

there are red lines, lines of morality that I can not blur because of blood ties. You have to be able to live with the decisions you make in life.

Absolutely agree with this.

Stand firm with your youngest and send her the message that she has her mum on her side and you believe her. That is a powerful act that may be a changing point in her life.

I understand how difficult it will be for you not to attend your elder daughter's wedding, Inimitable, but I believe you have right on your side and as she has clearly chosen her fiance's family over her own, you have no option but not to attend the wedding. Your elder daughter is clearly going her own sweet way and is not open to any discussion about it, just ignoring her sister's feelings; I agree with a PP who said that in similar circumstances, she would have a simple quiet wedding abroad with just witnesses.
What is really worrying is that questions will be asked and your poor younger daughter's nasty "secret" will come out, which is not what she wants at all. I think perhaps the suggestion of your going to the marriage ceremony but not the reception might be the best compromise; you could feign illness of your younger daughter and then leave before the reception because you and your husband were falling ill with the same thing as her, perhaps? Would your younger daughter find that acceptable? I'm not clear, does your elder daughter's fiance know the whole story, or does he think it is about the nude photos "only"?
Good luck, Inimitable, this is such a horrible situation for you all, I am so sorry.

You can't go. It sucks and it must hurt a lot but you just can't do that to your youngest DD.

Your elder DD has made the choice to support her sister's rapists. This is outside my comprehension but there you go, people do this stuff all the time.

I am really sorry.

How long has the SIL fiancé been around- is this long term- eg predates the rape etc - I could see why the inlaws etc choose to support him/their daughter - effectively for them its one person word against each other and they will align with the person they know best.

I suspect your eldest DD doesn't believe your younger DD - or thinks its all exaggerated which amounts to the same thing. She doesn't seem willing to compromise at all - she could easily have a ceremony with just parents there (and then she can attend). To me her attitude is appropriate if for example it was an ex who DD2 didn't get on with- when you might say - can't you pretend for the length of a day-not appropriate for a rapist/victim or abuser/victim

I would not go to the wedding. I could not do that to my dd. I would not also want to spend any time with the in laws either.

I also have a sister and would never invite the rapist to my wedding regardless of what position that would put me in with SIL or future husband.

Families are complex. If my DH opted to see his sister in this situation that is fair enough but I would avoid the rapist at all costs so I cannot sympathise with the elder DD at all although do appreciate the difficulties she has.

YANBU. I wouldn't go, and I would make it clear to my youngest daughter that I feel like she should report the crime and make the allegations public.

I do have some sympathy for your eldest. Let's be honest, if and when this goes public then the wedding will likely be postponed. If my sister accused my future BiL of rape then I don't really see how the families could ever be united. That must be hard for her to process, and if she genuinely loves her partner then that would be difficult to walk away from.

Your daughter would rather unless impress the in-laws than protect her sister. I wouldn't be going.

So I'm deducing that the rape wasn't reported, though I'm struggling a bit as to why your younger dd didn't realise at first - I'm wondering if it was she was taken advantage of, coerced but short of being forced because it should be reported if it is rape!

The new partner isn't even aware of the history you say. It's a mess but it seems there's more to the story - yes the guy is coming across as not very nice but I cannot believe your elder dd wouldn't back her sister if it was rape? Perhaps talking to a specialist police officer might help, they could then help her decide if a crime was committed and they could prosecute.

This man knows what he has done even if he denies it. Your eldest DD should be able to see that if she prioritises inviting him over her own family then she is making a huge mistake. And she ought to be able to find a way for this one day to say to him he will be invited but must not come, whatever excuse he gives, he must not come. If she doesn’t do that, then I am afraid your family will be broken.

And you will be sad, but you will survive.

I cannot believe the level of victim blaming going on.

There is no doubt in my mind op. You must show your younger daughter you believe her and you cannot attend this wedding.

Your older daufhteee knows what happened and she has the power to stop him being there. She chooses not to. That’s her choice but if she goes in a huff wig you that’s her choice too.

Your younger daughter has had no choice and no power. She needs to know you suppprt her 100%. Cannot believe the disgusting post above me about was she actually raped. Shame on you.

I saw your update, and I am very relieved to read that you and your husband have told your eldest dd that you can not attend the wedding if the rapist there.

This was absolutely the right thing to do, if there is a fall out from this, the responsibility remains with your eldest dd, not you. Please remember that.

Your eldest dd decided socialise with him (putting aside the rape, even based on the rumours and nudes this was not a decent thing to do) she did not have to invite him to the wedding, and could have explained to SIL that given the nudes it would not be possible for him to attend like it or not. It is her wedding and her choice.

If things were strained with the in laws, then that is down to the inlaws in time to repair relations with her given what has happened, not the other way around. It gives her younger sister's situation far more weight and credence if your eldest dd had made decisions to stay away from him, and standing up to her with her future inlaws about him. Your eldest dd has made some very grave mistakes and has been very weak, choosing to look the other way and put herself and future family relations before decency and humanity, or love for her own family. I can imagine the pain this has caused you.

There is still time for your eldest to do the right thing, and I am afraid you can not side step what will be a very difficult conversation with her.

Remind her that should some monster rape her, and then post (fake)nudes/rumours about her, then you would do just the same to defend and protect her.

I would be seriously concerned as to what kind of family your dd is marrying into, and one can only hope she does not have a baby girl in the future, the girl (your grand daughter) will be fair game to the rapist at some point.

If the wedding is cancelled, postponed or goes ahead, it is almost irrelevant. As sad as it is, you have lost your dd already the minute she went out for dinner with your dd's rapist.

Let her go, she may see the light one day and be absolutely mortified. Or she may not. Your support is not unconditional.

You could always show her this thread, it may wake her up Op.

You have nothing left to lose. Look after your dd and make sure she is getting counselling and support, she may look to be managing - but almost certainly won't be inside. Look after her.

@Springwalk

Thats a spot on post springwalk. I couldn't agree more

I'm wondering if it was she was taken advantage of, coerced but short of being forced because it should be reported if it is rape!

@stucknoue you do know how many rapes go unreported? Or are you one of those people that think rape only happens to women in dark ally's by men they don't know. Make today the day you educate yourself and drop your unenlightened attitude. It's people like you that make women suffer in silence.

So I'm deducing that the rape wasn't reported, though I'm struggling a bit as to why your younger dd didn't realise at first - I'm wondering if it was she was taken advantage of, coerced but short of being forced because it should be reported if it is rape!

Lots of women don't report rape for lots of good reasons, mainly because of the ordeal of going through a second traumatic process that they don't feel up too. Confusion about rape is very common too. We dismiss our experiences and emotions all of the time in a bid to make them more palatable and less traumatic. It is called denial, it is a well known coping mechanism. There is nothing at all unusual in that.

The new partner isn't even aware of the history you say. It's a mess but it seems there's more to the story - yes the guy is coming across as not very nice

Really you think a rapist is not coming across as nice. That is the definition of understatement there.

but I cannot believe your elder dd wouldn't back her sister if it was rape?

This is also very common. Families revictimising victims because it does not suit some other agenda they have.

Perhaps talking to a specialist police officer might help, they could then help her decide if a crime was committed and they could prosecute.

Yes if her dd2 wants to speak to a police officer then that is an option otherwise there is no reason for it at this time.

I was thinking the same as Petalflowers - go the ceremony but not the reception?
The ceremony is more formal and structured. You should be able to avoid contact with him.

The OP clearly stated that the rape has not and will not be reported, so police can't be involved, because the younger daughter is scared of possible repercussions from the rapist. Which is scary in the first place.

Eldest just can’t get over the fact the youngest acted ‘normally’ round this man after it happened.

No your eldest doesn't believe her sister was raped.

redwoodmazza

And what does that say to her youngest dd? Her rape doesn't matter? That her own mother can go and sit in the church of God with the man that raped her daughter.

Think about that for a second.

How do you suppose the youngest dd will ever recover from this? The rape, the abuse after, not being believed by own sister and seeing her own sister socialise with this monster, followed by her mother going to the wedding with him.

You are likely to lose both daughters following this advice Op, and your youngest dd will be unlikely to ever forgive such a betrayal.

The biggest thing flagging out to me is that your elder DD & in laws do not think your younger DD was raped. I can only assume they think it was a sexual encounter that was regretted & turned sour but have decided to keep out of it, simply because it suits them. However, I don't see how anyone could turn a blind eye to the sending of pics of a young girl around on social media & that alone would make me fall out with my elder sister & not attend an event with the person who did it (I'd want to rip his face off)

I personally could not & would not attend the Wedding if he is there. Your elder daughter is entitled to her choice but also must respect yours & not hold it against you as she knows why. Quite frankly I'd find it hard not to hold it against her though as even taking the reasons out, she is choosing a non relative to attend her wedding over her own parents.

Wow.. if my groom was insisting on inviting my sister's rapist (which he knew about) to our wedding then there would not BE a wedding.

I'm sorry OP, what a horrible situation. Your eldest daughter's behaviour is reprehensible, her ILs are just terrible people and everything is awful.

You would not be being unreasonable to refuse to go. Support your youngest, she needs it!

daddysgirl

The in laws know only about the rumours and fake nudes, not the rape.

The younger dd wishes to keep the rape a secret, she is afraid of repercussions (and seemingly not without good reason given his past form) she is entitled to do whatever she wants, this is a hard enough trauma to cope with. Maybe it is too much for her.

The fact that the future in laws were quite happy to ignore this happening is quite telling. Why they would ever feel this is acceptable is beyond me, or wish for their own daughter to be involved with a man like this is astounding.

Every single female (including your eldest dd) around this is man is at risk op. He is a rapist, he is very likely to do it again.

Can I also flag to you op, you know this man is a real and present danger, you know he has raped your daughter. You need to be prepared when he does it again. It might all burst into the open, and there will be serious questions asked as to why it was not reported, addressed. Why you all did absolutely nothing to stop him.

Treading very carefully to avoid town gossip is putting every single woman and young girl at severe risk.

I would ask you to talk to your youngest dd again. She will have to live with the fact his next victim(s) could have avoided the same trauma that she is experiencing. If for no other reason than to protect other women, she really must consider reporting it.

Many lives could be shattered for decades before this man is stopped, this could be avoided if she could bring herself to report him. Who knows how many other victims are around you living in silence and misery?

It would also be impossible for your eldest dd to continue to ignore and disbelieve her sister once it becomes a police matter. Your in laws may very well learn what kind of man he is.

Every single female (including your eldest dd) around this is man is at risk op. He is a rapist, he is very likely to do it again.

And this is quite possibly true. But how can these women be protected when no one knows the truth?

I'm astonished at the number of recommendations for the OP to go to the ceremony but not the reception – it suggests there's a tolerable amount of rapist compromise, like saying "Well, perhaps the rapist could be downgraded to just an evening invitation". No.

I thought the OP said that the in laws knew everything? Just not the rapists partner.