Not going to daughters wedding

[IAmInimitable]

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

Nobody but the op and dds know about the rape?

To everyone else it looks like a one night stand that he boasted about and she’s upset over. You avoiding the wedding will just look petty and as someone else said in 5years time when there is a baby? You can’t see because of what is believed to be regretted sex?

If you younger DD wants this to be taken seriously considering his sister is marrying the brother to her rapists partner it need to be brought out into the open and to the police that he raped her without that your family will look silly/petty.

I couldn’t go.
If that had happened to my DD and I saw the man God knows what I would do. How could you manage to not ( at a minimum) shout at him?
Unless you have a lot more control than me it’s better you don’t go

Your elder daughter is awful. How can she treat her sister this way? No way would I be going to that wedding. YANBU to not go.

@chillpizza the sister knows about the rape and OP said she told the SIL's family everything. So people do know.

I am speaking from personal experience, so please don't tell me what to say. I will say what I want to.

So am I Springwalk - and while theoretically EVERY assault should be reported, in practice many women are not emotionally or mentally strong enough to do it, and to face the interrogation of the police taking their statement or of barristers in a courtroom, shoaled it get that far.

This doesn't mean that they are lying - just that they are fragile. And it doesn't mean that they don't care about other people either - it just means that they can't cope with it. Other people's lives are not her responsibility. Her own mental health is.

*should, not shoaled

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

Yeah only people who are willing to defend him/ignore it.

The rest of the families/friends people in the local area think they had sex, he boasted and she regretted it. They then see the op/ops dh/younger did refusing to attend anything where it appears younger dds Ex is in attendance with his partner. Looking like a scorned ex.

@chillpizza people have been told and they don't believe her, do you really think that would make her want to tell other people? Who is to say that everyone else won't believe her? Judging by some of the comments on this thread, that's a possibility.

Not only has this poor woman been raped, her sister doesn't believe her and the rapist spread awful rumours about her. I don't blame her for not wanting to tell other people.

@WhenISnappedAndFarted

I’m not saying I don’t blame her for not wanting to.

It is the two options though she gets brave and tells the police/locals or she has to suck up the fact that her parents are going to have to have some type of involvement with this man as her sisters future brother in law or allow the false rumours to continue with added speculation about her being the scorned ex.

I know I’d rather not be seen as the reason my parents don’t attend my sisters wedding over rumours of regretted sex. I’d rather it be known believed or not that he raped me and my family believe me and that’s why they are not attending the wedding/future get to gethers invoking this man.

While this mans victums stay silent he gets to live his life free and possibly abusing more women while the true victim hides away ashamed and scared.

OP, I've been in a very similar situation to this. A family member abused someone else in the family. I've cut out everyone who choses to associate with the abuser. Victim understandably doesn't want anyone to know what happened. In some ways its been hard, for a while I didn't like the fact that the abuser was clearly painting us as pathetic or bullies. But I've always felt it was the only choice I could live with. Stand by your younger DD and hopefully the elder will follow your example. Being made to feel your rape doesn't matter is far worse than any awkwardness with your elder daughters in-laws.

@chillpizza I get what you're saying, however my personal experience is different.

Someone close to me was raped by someone they knew. It went to court, he got off (and has since admitted what he did to multiple people but still got away with it) and nobody believed her. We lived in a village and she had to move because all the locals backed him and called her revolting names and threatened her.

Just because you tell people, it doesn't necessarily mean you'll be believed and the perpetrator doesn't get away with it.

@chillpizza I couldn't care less anymore what people think about me. It shouldn't matter. Isn't doing the right thing (not associating with your daughter's rapist) more important than appearances?!

Your elder daughter is awful. How can she treat her sister this way?

Because she doesn't believe she was raped. That can be the only explanation.

The rapist sounds like a piece of work and it wouldn’t surprise me if he started dating SIL because he worked out the connection and thought to infiltrate the family in this way covert narcissists will go to extreme and dangerous lengths to control people and their lives. I feel for future sil her parents think it’s ok to be with a rapist rumour spreading man, her own brother and his future with think it’s ok because it’s their wedding and no one will tell her because she’s in the love bombing phase. When it’s her turn and it will be with a predator like this watch the blame get passed to your daughter for not speaking out as if absolving the rapist of his behaviour because he won’t be there for the fall out but you both will. Don’t go to the wedding do you daughter a solid and stand up for her because no one else is interested in protecting either of these women only this mans feelings and no causing upset! You couldn’t make this up

SchadenfreudePersonified I have no idea what point you are trying to make. I have said over and over again that the younger dd's decision to not report the rape is her choice. So I am not sure what we are disagreeing on? I only encouraged op to talk to her dd about it again.

If he goes on to rape her sister's child, someone close to the family there will be regrets all round that no one stopped him when they had the chance.

There is every reason to believe she isn't strong enough/too fragile/wants to move past what happened to her. We all feel that way lets face it, but he is very close to the family, they could soon be related for ffs. It is a massive problem. Because you can bet your last penny that the entire family will blame HER if anything happens to anyone they care about. The recriminations that she should have reported it etc.

I am simply pointing out choosing not to report comes with an awful lot of potential baggage and fallout too in this particular scenario.

I don't think we can possibly disagree on that point.

This thread is extremely triggering for me, and we can only share the life lessons we have learnt along the way.

I wish I had found the strength and fucking nailed the bastard whilst I had the chance....she may come to feel the same.

What a horrible situation.

I was raped by a family member and my parents did not (and still don’t) believe me. Simply because to take my side would mean dividing up the family and losing contact with certain family members. They didn’t want to rock the boat and still don’t. I was forbidden for example for telling anyone including the police. When I got married my rapist was expected to be there and sadly my parents were happy for that “to keep the peace”

Words cannot express how much it hurts to see my family engage with my rapist. It has left me with many crosses to bear and has caused a huge divide between my parents and I. I always feel now like other members of the family are more important to my parents than I am.

I guess what I’m trying to say OP is I know how your youngest daughter is feeling. I’m glad you and your DH have decided not to go. It will be incredibly hurtful as it is to see your own sister out socialising with your attacker never mind your parents. It is a difficult situation for you but I think if you go you are telling your youngest DD that you don’t believe her either.

I have said over and over again that the younger dd's decision to not report the rape is her choice. So I am not sure what we are disagreeing on?

In that case I apologise Springwalk - I have misunderstood your posts.

It felt to me that you were (almost) guilting the OP's DD to go to the police and holding her responsible for any other rapes that might occur. Obviously I have misread - sorry.

We are both on the same page.

Raspberry

This is awful. My heart aches for you - what a dreadful situation.

Op can you ask your older daughter why on earth she would want a rapist at her wedding ? I mean, it is pretty bizarre to know someone is a rapist, and welcome them to your event !
I wonder whether a trained rape crisis counseller would help, to talk to your younger dd, and to also separately talk to your older dd about how people can react to rape, that it is common to not tell anyone, or to not be able to name it as rape, for a long time.
A friend was raped by a friend of hers as a student, and because she had frozen and not fought him , she felt for some years that it was all her fault. It took her until after leaving university to be able to tell anyone at all. No one knows how they will react. Shock can have an enormous effect. Maybe your daughter needs to know this, to understand that she is doing a terrible thing, not believing her own sister.

schadenfreude Thank you. I would never intend to make anyone feel guilty for not reporting. It is entirely a decision for the survivor. This situation worries me because he is still so close and she seems so unprotected ( her own family don’t believe her)

I can’t begin to imagine the impact this having on her youngest dd. I could not handle it. Absolutely I couldn’t. Not a chance. For me the police signal authority, gravity and protection in this scenario.

But it is always her dds choice and I wish her the most happiest of endings. Hopefully she can put him, her sisters dreadful decisions to one side and properly move on.

The best revenge is finding happiness.

springwalk

Thank you for being so understanding with me too.

I feel for that poor girl.

I wonder whether a trained rape crisis counseller would help, to talk to your younger dd, and to also separately talk to your older dd about how people can react to rape, that it is common to not tell anyone, or to not be able to name it as rape, for a long time.

That's good idea SirVix, if they could brig themselves to do it.

I think you need to go to your daughter's wedding. It is a major life event and you should be there to support her.

Awful - best way out I can see is he should be invited but be told to find a way not to come so you can go. Ultimately he’s an awful human being so won’t do the decent thing.

It is a major life event and you should be there to support her.

It’s not as major as being raped. I’d say the memories of being raped are going to stay with the younger daughter, longer than the wedding memories will stay with the oldest.