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Original poster

Not going to daughters wedding

371 replies

IAmInimitable · 01/04/2019 19:59

Am I wrong in saying I won’t go to my oldest daughters wedding because she wants to invite her future sister in laws live in partner - who is the man who raped my younger daughter?

It was acquaintance rape and my younger daughter thought something was off but didn't really process what happened and thought that she somehow deserved to be treated that way.

She buried it for some time and carried on as normal for a while (even around him). Then sometime later he started some pretty awful rumours about her which just confirmed in her mind he was a dangerous person not to be messed with.

She then moved away for work and with the help of her boyfriend was able to confront and understand what happened to her.

She thought he was out of her life, that she wouldn’t ever have to see him again and that she could put it behind her but then she found out he was going to be connected to her sisters future family. She then felt able to share what happened to her and how she felt about her sister spending time with him.

She doesn't want anything said to the future sister in law because she's still scared of the man and really doesn't want to report what happened. Future SIL is happiest she has ever been in the relationship and isn't going to believe what happened.

So my older daughters fiancé can still enjoy family events my older daughter goes to them even though the rapist is often there too. She says she ignores him but photos of them all together have appeared on social media.

The fall out from this has led to total estrangement between the sisters as the one that was raped can't understand how her sister can spend time with him and feels her sister doesn't really believe what happened to her.

The one getting married now feels that as her relationship with her sister is non existent she doesn't want to upset the future SIL and for her fiancé to fall out with his family. So she and her fiancé haven't even been willing to have any sort of conversation with the SIL about how we feel about him being at the wedding.

We don't even think the rape needs to be mentioned to the SIL as we feel the rumours he spread and the fact my daughters are estranged because of him is reason enough for us not to want him to be at the wedding.

My older daughter veers between thinking it will all magically resolve itself or saying we should just be civil on the wedding day for her sake. I feel that to expect us to be in the same room as the man who raped my younger daughter and who has effectively torn my family apart is unimaginable. I can’t even think how I could cope coming face to face with him on what is meant to be such a special day.

I don't want to lose my eldest daughter by not going to the wedding but I cannot see anyway I could possibly go if he is there.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 01/04/2019 23:36

I could not go to the wedding and I think your older dd being able to put this aside in this ways is awful.

As a previous poster said, the relationship between this man and your older dd's sil will most likely end and when it does she will realise she has put this vile man ahead of her own mum and sister.

Very sad.

But clearly no confusion from me and others one what the best thing to do is, don't go if it means being anywhere near this man. Sad

Thanks
SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/04/2019 23:39

Support your younger daughter and don't go.

I know this will be hard - speak to your elder DD and explain. Let her know that you love her and would love to share her day, but that in the circumstances you can't - hopefully, she will understand.

Do you have a DH/DP who can support you through this?

SirVixofVixHall · 02/04/2019 00:03

I have two daughters, I feel for you, what a terrible situation.
However, as posters have said upthread, it really comes down to your older dd either not believing her sister, or refusing to truly face it because she is caught up in getting married and her new family.
Surely she should be worried that her new SIL will be with a rapist ? That even though she is “happy” now, that happiness will not last because he is a terrible man ? What will happen then ? She will be trying to support her SIL, having tossed her sister aside rather than face the truth now ?
I know if a man had raped my dd, and I was in a room with him, that I would absolutely lose it. Ditto DH.
I also know that if anyine had done something so awful to my sibling they would not be at my wedding ! The mere thought is sickening, saying vows, while the MAN WHO RAPED MY SIBLING listens ? Sings Hymns ? Eats canapes and smirks in photos, which he will be in for ever ?
Your older dd has to tell him he can’t come, and enforce it, he isn’t a new family member even, he is just a boyfriend who won’t last.
It is also the only thing that could help heal the rift between the sisters.

EKGEMS · 02/04/2019 00:33

Do not attend but persuade someone who can pretend to make a toast make an announcement along the lines of "Ladies please be aware as you are celebrating and enjoying yourselves there is a rapist in your midst his name is xxx so be careful and watch your backs because he's quite the amateur porn producer as well! Perhaps you may be guest starring in one of his future productions!

Lilymossflower · 02/04/2019 00:54

If it was me I wouldn't go.
Would feel better being cut if from the daughter who won't take the rape seriously than the one who got raped a d had to go through all that, even though being cut off from either daughter would be painful.

I don't believe in neutrality, I beleive neutrality is taking the side if the oppressor.

I would also want to find some secret henchmen to send off after the rapist and death threat him into leaving the country, though that would be a less realistic approach

LoisWilkerson1 · 02/04/2019 00:55

You could ask youngest dd if she could cope with you going to the ceremony to see your daughter marry but then not going to the dinner, evening part etc? Your eldest is out of order inviting him but she's still your child and not seeing her get married would be horrible. Flowers

LoisWilkerson1 · 02/04/2019 00:59

I would also explain to everyone he is responsible for your non attendance and why. Everyone. The fake pictures is enough no need to talk about the rape if your dd says not to.

Blondebakingmumma · 02/04/2019 01:05

If anyone raped one of my sisters I could not be in the same room with them. I would forever dispise them and not tolerate their presence. There is no way they would be invited to my wedding, don’t care who they are dating. They are hideous
I feel a lot of anger that your older daughter hasn’t done more to stand up for her sister

LoisWilkerson1 · 02/04/2019 01:08

I don't blame the youngest for cutting contact with her. She must be so hurtSad

Bagpuss5 · 02/04/2019 01:09

I feel the younger Dd won't go to the police, won't tell people about the rape but is expecting others to ostracise the rapist from their lives.
It's surely unlikely now that the rapist will send more nude pictures of her or whatever else he might choose to do, should the truth be broadcast. She expects her DSis and DM to deal with him for her which is unfair in my view.
She needs to go to the police. If she can't face the social backlash of this in a small town it's unfair to expect others to do it for her.

Glitterban · 02/04/2019 01:11

Don't go. Your younger daughter absolutely needs you and your older daughter less so at this point in time.

Your older is inviting someone her family has solid reason not to invite, and gone with her in laws over her sister. How can she/finance not tell her future sister in law? Surely her family would be concerned, never mind how happy she is now.

Hearhere · 02/04/2019 01:14

thats how these predators work, everyone is compromised and so they all feel complicit, everyone is stitched up

aunaturel78 · 02/04/2019 01:59

IAmInimitable I really feel for you in this situation, I can only imagine how stressful this must be for you. While I understand how difficult it must be for your daughter in the run up to her wedding, I personally feel that it is more important for your daughter to have her mum at the wedding rather than her future sil and her rapist bf. This guy should be dis- invited, if her future sil decides not to come that's her decision

If something like this was going on in my family and I was getting married I would just go abroad and get married with just witnesses. Your daughter should try to be more supportive of her sister. I am sorry that we live in a society where victims become ostracised because their presence it's socially awkward for the perpetrator. Therefore if your daughter goes ahead with her current guest list I feel it would not be unreasonable for you to give it a miss.

Also how would you get through the day with him there, as a mum I would be sick looking at him and would probably not be able to bite my tongue xxx

jesusishot · 02/04/2019 02:58

I wouldn't get too upset about not being able to go to eldest DD's wedding given that she will probably be divorced within a couple of years. After all, her future in-laws sound delightful: 'we don't know her so we don't believe her'?!? What kind of logic is that?

Sometimes it takes a horrible traumatic event to show us what the people around us really are. You know now that your eldest daughter doesn't care about her sister and is OK with socialising with rapists. Not only would I not be going to her wedding, I would have to think seriously about cutting contact with her altogether.

Tavannach · 02/04/2019 03:23

You can't go to a wedding your DD's rapist is going to be at. Just tell your elder DD that. Ask her to consider the future. If she has a daughter how will she feel when this man is around her?
Eventually the SIL and PIL will find out what he's like, probably after they're married.
Be firm with your elder DD. You can't go if he's going.
Who's paying for the wedding?

TheSerenDipitY · 02/04/2019 03:53

i say fuck them all, have your daughter make a rape complaint the day before the fucken wedding, he raped her and then he used faked pictures of her as revenge porn to keep her quiet, even if she doesnt say about the rape i think the revenge porn is also against the lawn and is a chargeable offense

Rafflesway · 02/04/2019 04:38

Don't know if I'm alone in thinking this but, to me, the mere fact that your elder dd asked future sil to be a bridesmaid - knowing who her oh is - and not her own sister would tell me all I need to know.😡😡😡

Your elder dd is a fully paid up member of her future ils family and you are of less importance.

FWIW, I had 2 half siblings - one sadly died 2 years ago - and we were NC for 30 years, (Still am with remaining half sibling and our mother) so no real love lost there. However, if I heard one of half sisters had been attacked by a similar piece of garbage then God help him. Perhaps I'm just weird but I'd rather be a weirdo than be like your elder dd.

Sorry OP, you deserve MUCH better treatment from your elder dc.

Olikingcharles · 02/04/2019 04:48

I wouldn't go. Wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut if did go to either the rapist or daughter for allowing him to be there. I can't understand how your older daughter can put her sister's rapist before her own sister. (So i understand why this has destroyed their relationship) I would have nothing to do with a man that did this to my sister. If ultimately that ended my relationship with my fiance then he wouldn't be a man i would want in my life either.

cabcab · 02/04/2019 04:49

I hate all weddings and avoid them wherever possible.

Helpful Hmm NOT!

However OP,, you must come down on the side of right and support your DD2. Long gone are the days when people "kept quiet for the sake of peace". I had my uncle (many years ago) who abused as a child at my wedding (because that's what was five back then, abusers played on that). Don't let the abuser get away with this, questions will be asked and truths must be told to whoever asks.

TheSerenDipitY · 02/04/2019 04:50

btw when speaking about him to your daughter you need to be using the word RAPE and the words REVENGE PORN dont say his name just the terms, drive it home you beleive her and not him and that he is disgusting and a non human in your eyes, and that you dont give two fucks if her cunting sister in law is happy with a rapist or if she is happy being family to a a fucking rapist... and wish her luck if he ever decides to turn his special attentions to her

AwakeNow · 02/04/2019 04:54

I would not go. If I was contributing towards the wedding in any way, I would withdraw my help. The sister is a disgrace to not stand by her poor sister who was abused. Shame on her and her non dilemna. Any decent woman would have stated she cannot and will not be in the rapists presence, never mind host him at her wedding!

Frannibananni · 02/04/2019 05:12

I think your eldest has already chosen the rapist over you and your husband to attend the wedding. I would quietly bow out. She is acting very selfishly.

Olikingcharles · 02/04/2019 05:57

Well said AwakeNow .
If I was contributing towards the wedding in any way, I would withdraw my help. The sister is a disgrace to not stand by her poor sister who was abused. Shame on her and her non dilemna. Any decent woman would have stated she cannot and will not be in the rapists presence, never mind host him at her wedding!
THIS WITH BELLS ON!!!!

lyralalala · 02/04/2019 05:59

Long gone are the days when people "kept quiet for the sake of peace". I had my uncle (many years ago) who abused as a child at my wedding (because that's what was five back then, abusers played on that). Don't let the abuser get away with this, questions will be asked and truths must be told to whoever asks.

The OP should not be telling anyone anything if that’s not what her DD wants.

That’s part of the issue, however no-one should make the decision for her DD to start telling people that she was raped. She and only she can make that decision.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/04/2019 06:12

Your younger DD was raped.
Your elder DD will be upset if you don’t go but your younger DD will be devastated. Her sister has already thrown her under the bus, she needs her mothers’ loyalty and support.

I don’t understand how your elder DD can take this so lightly and think it is ok to have this man there. The rumour spreading alone would be sufficient to bar him.