AIBU to think teacher and possibly school way out of line and WWYD?

[AstoundedandConfounded]

Name changed in case I somehow out myself!

I was mistakenly sent an email by a teacher from DS's school, which said about me "Don't you just wish you could tell her to piss off. It's clear where DS gets it from."

Just to clarify DS is in 6th form and I've emailed the school 3 times in his 6 years, so I'm not an annoying helicopter mother.

I am not happy about any of this, to say the least. I've been in touch with the head, shared the email and said I want to discuss it and received an apology back.

I have a meeting set up for this Thursday and am struggling to know how best to handle it. The issue I originally emailed in about was handled so badly that I think that is still my priority but I'm really hacked off that teachers are bad mouthing me and my DS (who is a good pupil) in emails.

WWYD?

That’s when I said I could go to a meeting!

Nrtft but read the op

“I have told him if he has a point that will make the teacher look stupid to raise it privately”

Yeah, you can see where he gets it from

Good luck at your meeting OP. I hope you can use your leverage well.

Just wanted to add a couple of things.

I think it was totally unprofessional of the head of pastoral care to put that in an email, and rather unkind of them to say that about you and your ds. However, I work as a pastoral manager and it really is an incredibly stressful job at times, and yes - we do sometimes sound off about an annoying student or parent. In an average week we can be dealing with a student's suicide attempt, self-harm, bullying, drugs, racism, homophobia, medical issues, anger and aggression from students and abuse from parents. (Not all on the same day, I should add!) We are also horribly pushed for time and always worrying about missing something such as abuse, grooming, sexual exploitation etc.

We have loads of absolutely lovely students and supportive parents, of course, but probably about 90% of parents refuse to believe that their child is ever wrong which makes life quite difficult at times...!

Be the bigger person here. The hofpc made a stupid mistake and will be kicking themselves, but your ds sounds like a fine young man who has done well at this school. Gracefully accept an apology and move on.

They were her friends it was a small drama group they were all bloody friends 🙄 go find something else to be offended about

slipperywhensparticus

Not offended, amused yes, but not offended

Thank you for all the constructive suggestions.

Usernumbers1234 I say the same to trainees and juniors - don’t score a cheap point in front of an audience just because you can. If you really think you want to oursue a point - then do it one on one. No one likes to be made look stupid. I think that is good advice for a teenager too. What is your objection?

“I have told him if he has a point that will make the teacher look stupid to raise it privately”

That’s actually great advice OP. Nobody responds well if they feel stupid in front of a crowd. This is good people skills advice.

I’m not defending the email for a moment - that was a huge cock up. But I’m very aware that some parents are delusional when it comes to their precious children and have no idea how annoying they can be

THen tell them! I hate 'Report Speak' that tells a parent absolutely nothing!

Teachers should be allowed to be open and honest (but not spiteful) about their pupils. Maybe then there'd be some improvement.

School needs to apologise unreservedly for the email. And reassure you that your son is bing treated fairly.

Your son might be bit annoying 😬🤣, and clearly both you and he think he has an intellectual advantage over the teachers and is therefore able to make them look stupid. This could lead to challenges in later life, I have managed people like this and they can find the working world challenging (sometimes life isn’t fair, and sometim s we have to pick our battles).

However, he is still technically a child. He needs to understand and respect teachers authority, and needs to find a way to question things an a way which is appropriate for the school setting. However, that is a separate issue from the unprofessional behaviour of his teachers.

You’re a lot calmer about this than I would be

I and for heavens sake don’t tell warrior boy about the email!!!!!

I have an image of him leaping on to the school stage mid assembly to lecture the teachers on their lack of professionalism and sloppy email practices🤣😂.

Sorry, I am sure he is a great kid who will go far. I am jesting

personally I would let it drop as you have already made an issue of it reporting to the Head. Teacher will get a ticking off and I doubt any formal warning as whoever the email was intended for must also consider you to be a pain in the rear.

As someone who has been a Head of Pastoral and a Deputy Head, I would expect a parent to be upset by that email, to complain to the school, formally or informally, for the incident to be investigated and the member of staff- or both if the email trail uncovers the other one also involved- to be given a verbal warning if they have no other offences on record, or a written warning if there are other offences.

It is serious. Their behaviour has 'brought the school into disrepute' which is a serious disciplinary matter, although the offence itself may be at the lower end of that scale. It's just unacceptable. No excuses. Yes their job is hard and they face all kinds of tough situations and yes we all mutter occasionally under our breath to colleagues after a phone call from a difficult parent. However, swopping emails with rude comments about parents and students is plain wrong. It smacks of a culture of carelessness with emails and language.

I would hope the Head wil be taking it seriously and the teacher should apologise to you personally and put the matter right. The original concern should also be addressed and resolved.

Well she"ll be mortified that it was mis-sent but teachers are only human and she obviously felt you'd been a pain in the arse and your son is similar and she needed to vent to a colleague who may be a friend and who also clearly feels thT you're a pain. So you can't be squeaky clean in all of this.
It gives you the upper hand to negotiate but it's not that bad, it wasn't intended for you.

Thank you Lula I appreciate your perspective.

So because I’ve raised a concern and someone wants me to piss off, I must somehow be at fault Tigertooth? Wouldn’t that be how issues get swept under the carpet and not dealt with?

I think the issue here is that the member of staff thinks your child is a PITA and that you’re the same.
Clearly they shouldn’t have put that in an email though. To anyone.

Thanks Wolfie that observation hadn’t escaped me!

That's really harsh wolfie !

at my school we are too busy bitching about each other to bother with the parents

I haven't read the full thread, but most of it.

I am shocked OP. It is truly awful unprofessional and unkind behaviour.

But as has been said before. You have all the power now. Behave with the class they should have demonstrated, sort the original issue out and rise above the rest. Knowing that they will squirm whenever you come up in conversation or walk past them, and they are going to have to be in their best behaviour as far as you and your DS are concerned from now on!

Ok so your child is being a PITA. Deal with that.
It’s stupid and unprofessional to put a comment like that in an email. They should of course apologise. But if you recognise some truth in it then time to change?

Finding this thread fascinating, especially the variety of views.

Say this was a business scenario & an employee emailed a colleague to complain about a client but sent it to said client in error. There is no doubt that the client would no longer be a client & the employee would be instantly dismissed.

I don’t know why teachers should be treated any differently. I realise there is little accountability for teachers & it’s pretty much a job for life no matter how useless they are. But that’s part of the problem,

They are paid to teach. Parents are paying school fees & taxes for their childrens’ education & the least you can expect is that your children will be taught by people who aren’t stupid enough to send an email to the wrong person & will behave with professionalism.

I’d go with fizzygreenwaters advice.

As for the people who think “it was a simple mistake, move on”, you must have very low standards for how you want to be treated, or your children for that matter.

Oh OP I’d be laughing at my good fortune if I were you.

I’m not a teacher personally but I know lots of them, and from what I’ve heard they do form strong opinions about kids and parents and bitch about them from time to time. It’s probably not right but with budget cuts and exam testing and all that I’m a bit ambivalent.

I know it can’t have been nice seeing those things written about you - but really, they’ve done you a favour. With most kids/parents in your situation the teachers bitch and no one is the wiser - you know how these people see you and DS and now the scales have been tipped in your favour.

If I were you I’d go to the meeting with a copy of the email, gesture to it and say something along the lines of “You must be deeply embarrassed about this already so I won’t waste too much time on it. However, in light of what has been said about me, I’d like your reassurance that my concerns will be addressed properly” and then move on.

I’m betting your concerns will get more attention now than they otherwise would.

Enjoy the view from the back of that horse!

Wolfie I do not believe he is being a PITA. I suggested he liked to challenge unfairness and gave an example. He’s 17 and I am a realist and do not think he is perfect. Do other people really think 17 year olds are model students at all times? He’s in Year 12, so he’s been at this school for a while. I’ve gone back through his reports and the last parents evening was only 2 months ago. No one was saying he was disruptive, disrespectful or hinted at poor behaviour in the classroom. As I said above, in his last report the head of 6th commented that he was “a charming member of 6th form”.

Should I be asking if the staff were lying up until now? How do you suggest I deal with his alleged PITA behaviour?

Views are definitely diverse. I’ve said it before but it is really useful. It is giving me a chance to think hard about my own assumptions and those of others.