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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 31/03/2019 08:54

MissFitton No, I didn’t say that. I said being alone is nothing to be proud of, because you haven’t achieved anything just be being alone.

Of course you should be proud if you’ve built up a business etc. That’s nothing to do with being alone.

CarolDanvers · 31/03/2019 08:55

Choosing to be alone is not something to be proud of

I think it is actually in a society that is so overwhelmingly set up to favour men. If you can make it without a man and and support yourself and your children without one, I think that's something to be very proud of.

EdWinchester · 31/03/2019 08:57

It sad that anyone feels that way.

My husband is rather wonderful and we’re still very much in love after 24 years of marriage.

Just because some relationships are doomed to fail, doesn’t mean it’s all bullshit.

MamaLovesMango · 31/03/2019 08:58

Being together makes everything easier for us too. Definitely easier than the alternative! I guess, I personally have to work at putting him before myself on the occasions when it’s needed. I can be a quite a selfish being at times. We also have to work very hard at making time for eachother and connecting when our stupidly busy lives don’t allow it which can be frustrating. I’m also quite a solitary person where he isn’t at all, so getting the balance right can be difficult. Love is going to be a different experience for everyone surely is it not?

Romantic love changes over the decades and you become companions - hopefully you can ride off into the sunset together.

I totally agree with this too. It came as quite a surprise to me and to my husband how it can change over time!

TheNavigator · 31/03/2019 09:00

OP, I am so sorry love has left you disappointed. My DH of 25 years is the love of my life and one of my greatest fears is losing him early (his dad died fairly young).

Love is nothing like the Hollywood version, it is something far deeper, richer, truer and stronger, but of course not everyone finds their true love. But if you do, then it is a gift beyond any price.

BeardyButton · 31/03/2019 09:00

I am one and done re husbands too. I loathed being single and 'dating'. The idea of that meat market again makes me vomit. And yes - romantic love is a myth. Honestly, i enjoy a romcom as much as the next, but even when watching im aware its a token of mysogyny, functioning to keep women in their place... Putting up with all sorts of nonsense out of Lurve.

But... I have to say. I realised this quite early on. And i chose my husband accordingly. I was much better looking thsan him (as we age this is no longer true). And while i knew i loved him early on, i never swooned over him. I decided upon him. I knew he would be a good partner to weather the storms of life. I was doubly lucky in that we grew together to become best friends. And his is the opinion i would seek first and listen to most.

And so... While i had an x rated dream about an x last night (made me weak at the knees... Treated me like sh*t). I will take what i have thank you very much.

As you said. This may all change in ten yrs time. Human beings have a remarkable ability to screw up their own and others lives. I hope me and oh keep on working and compromising together. The feeling of in it together is worth it for me.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 31/03/2019 09:00

Lot of confusing being in love with the reality of living together.
I think living with anyone takes the shine off.
I married and we live apart. People think that’s nuts and then see the benefits. We do all the bits we like and having a partner makes fun - sex, holidays,going out and he doesn’t have to tolerate my mess and I don’t have to have to worry about when he’s home and whether we have food in.
I have been deeply in love a couple of times before and those were fantastic but didn’t work out. I think you have to learn and change your behaviour pattern. Not living together works for us.

thatdisorganisedmum · 31/03/2019 09:02

And i chose my husband accordingly. I was much better looking thsan him (as we age this is no longer true). And while i knew i loved him early on, i never swooned over him.

blimey...
well, if it works for you!

treenu · 31/03/2019 09:03

Completely get it. Love my dp but should anything go wrong I don't think I would ever enter into a long term relationship again.

MamaLovesMango · 31/03/2019 09:03

@speakout I have boundaries, same as you. I have more than most infact, especially dealbreakers but even if I ended the relationship because he crossed a boundary (which I would without hesitation!), I have no doubt I’d still love him.

thatdisorganisedmum · 31/03/2019 09:03

the sad thing is that some little girls (or worst, little boys) are being raised by bitter mothers and will have a very screwed up idea of what a healthy and happy relationship is, or can be.

SerenDippitty · 31/03/2019 09:04

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around.

So you think it is pointless to be in a relationship if it does not produce children? I’ve been happily married but childless for 30 years.

As has been said if a man said “I can’t think of any reason to want a woman in my life other than sex and children” there’d be uproar.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 09:07

If you think you’re happier alone then that’s great, but I feel sorry for you that your experience has led you to feel like that

That’s incredibly patronising to a PP.

Like a PP I choose to be single. Not because of any poor experiences, simply because that’s what I want.

It goes to show just how strong societal expectations are, when someone can make an active choice and people still feel sorry for them.

I agree with the OP. I can see no way a relationship would enhance my life. I like men, I enjoy the company of some men. I categorically cannot see any benefit to having a relationship.

CarolDanvers · 31/03/2019 09:07

the sad thing is that some little girls (or worst, little boys) are being raised by bitter mothers and will have a very screwed up idea of what a healthy and happy relationship is, or can be.

What a load of misogynistic crap.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 09:08

the sad thing is that some little girls (or worst, little boys) are being raised by bitter mothers and will have a very screwed up idea of what a healthy and happy relationship is, or can be

And the fathers....? Or are all the ills of child-rearing solely at the Mother’s door?

Dimsumlosesum · 31/03/2019 09:09

What a completely ridiculous thing to say.

GrumpyOldMare · 31/03/2019 09:10

To a previous poster actually I HAVE achieved something since becoming single. I've paid off all the debts that my ex husband left me with.
I've also got my self esteem back and am the woman I want to be not the person he wanted.

I've achieved a lot by being single and am rightly proud of it!

polarpig · 31/03/2019 09:14

I'm happily single so yes, I agree to a certain extent. Some women need a partner to feel complete but I'm not one of them.

forestafantastica · 31/03/2019 09:14

I'm sure it's that way for some people. Everyone has their own truths. Personally, my relationship has got better over time - I think I was more restless in the early days when we did have ups and downs and misunderstandings. These days I love having someone around who knows me so well, I love the life we've built together and both contribute to, I love that we know all each other's references and have our in jokes or that I can look across a room and know what he's thinking.

We've been together 16 years and I can honestly say our relationship right now is the best it has ever been and I can't imagine being with anyone else.

Springisallaround · 31/03/2019 09:17

If and when I am widowed, I shall be having lots of Hollywood love, thanks very much! I love all that going out for dinner, falling for each other, staying up chatting all night- it's the boring daily drudgery of shopping and cleaning and stuff, which I've borne the burden of, which is so awful. I don't need a man to do the Tesco shop with, I want to add a bit of sparkle to everything (I meant sex, but that was the polite way to say it).

That said, I am financially independent, have a good career, friends and so don't feel like I need a man to give me those things.

My grandma remarried at 70 and spent hers and his life savings going out and about having so much fun. They only had 6 years together, but it was the best time of her life. I shall be doing that.

Purplecatshopaholic · 31/03/2019 09:18

As my husband recently cheated and left, I am with you on this at the moment OP. I miss sex though so dont agree men are obsolete - they have their uses, lol. I would never marry again though or live with someone - after 20 years of compromise and dealing with a very moody man, the revelation of living on my own is one I am relishing.

Sleeplusplus · 31/03/2019 09:20

I completely agree with the OP.

I have four young DC, I am the only bread winner. I do all housework. DH does nothing except reap the rewards of my hard work, bask in the loveliness of the DC who don’t know better and act like I was just put on the earth to create all this for him.

When I say that I dislike the unfairness of my life he calls me the “grim reapear.” When I ask him to help, he calls me “controlling.” I will leave him when i’ve tied up my finances.

Love is a fucking trap. The equality is one way, the rewards are one way. Those in amazing relationships for 20 years I feel like you found an exception. That or you are entirely comfortable with the rules of the patriarchy that disguise all the heavy lifting as “being a real woman.”

BeardyButton · 31/03/2019 09:20

@thatdisorganised was that a question? If so, yes. It works. On the whole. We are both happy (i think). I know I am. And we are together in bringing up a great happy (on the whole) little kid. Or was it a passive aggressive comment? If so, i d look at whatever is making you so discontent you get your kicks from trying to put people you ve never met down.

CostanzaG · 31/03/2019 09:21

I think it's really sad you feel this way. Men are not obsolete. There are some fabulous ones out there.
I was in an unhappy relationship for a long time.... Leaving was the best thing I did and meeting my now DH was the best thing that ever happened to me.

thatdisorganisedmum · 31/03/2019 09:23

JacquesHammer

And the fathers....? Or are all the ills of child-rearing solely at the Mother’s door?

the OP is about It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference. Men are obsolete.

I can't see a dad giving out that message....