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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 31/03/2019 09:39

Perhaps you should have quoted my entire point rather than just the sentences that allowed you to bristle up with outrage, you know the bit where I said it would be patronising and inaccurate to think that but it was the flip side of all the “sadness” for people who choose not to be in relationships. Or did you not bother to read that far?

Teateaandmoretea · 31/03/2019 09:39

I also think love is a trap. It’s a patriarchal construct designed to keep women economically dependent as sexual property

How does this work then for lesbian women in love? Confused

CarolDanvers · 31/03/2019 09:39

That was for teatea.

goingonabearhunt1 · 31/03/2019 09:40

I'm sort of the opposite of OP in that I never believed all that stuff when I was younger; my parents split up and I was extremely cynical about relationships. I never properly went out with anyone until I was 23 and even then I was still extremely independent (something that has always been v important to me). I have friends and a good job and do lots of things without DP but I wouldn't be without him; we've been together 8 yrs and as a PP said we just kind of have this shorthand and enjoy being around each other. Not sure if I'm just lucky to have found a good one though Grin equally though I know I'd be ok on my own if I had to be for some reason.

Teateaandmoretea · 31/03/2019 09:40

I haven't seen sadness for women who choose not to be in relationships on this thread. But of course if there is any then its wrong, totally agree there.

DeadWife · 31/03/2019 09:40

Respect for that Jacques, I'm trying again to be a soberista Smile.

CarolDanvers · 31/03/2019 09:41

People have repeatedly expressed their sadness on this thread. Go back and have a re-read.

CostanzaG · 31/03/2019 09:42

Jacques but there are fabulous men out there. Even if you've actively chosen to be single surely you can acknowledge that.

Runmybathforme · 31/03/2019 09:42

So cynical. Sorry you feel that way. Love does exist, and can last all your life. My parents were married for 70 years, my Dad died 3 weeks after my Mum, I was lucky enough to be married for 40 years. Not all men are bastards.

Teateaandmoretea · 31/03/2019 09:43

For those in crap relationships or who have had their hopes dashed by shitty men.... Maybe you should read it also with a different slant.

Boysey45 · 31/03/2019 09:43

I think anyone who wants a relationship with a man is better off just seeing them, not living with them and being married/stuck with them. Then its easier to move on when they end up being a drunk/drugtaker/cheater/bone idle/ selfish etc whatever it is.
I don't know anyone my age 49 who has had a relationship that's lasted. They are all divorced 2-3x.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 09:44

Even if you've actively chosen to be single surely you can acknowledge that

Of course but it’s a moot point. “There are some fabulous ones out there” isn’t relevant when being used in reference to someone who wants to be single.

JacquesHammer · 31/03/2019 09:45

CarolDanvers

Wait until we get a rousing chorus of “never say never” Grin

TheStoic · 31/03/2019 09:46

But it can be so much fun!

I think the highs are definitely still worth the lows.

Lifecraft · 31/03/2019 09:47

Love.....a temporary insanity curable by marriage.

BeardyButton · 31/03/2019 09:49

@disorganised reread your posts... Many of them. To me and others. Telling them you pity them... You ll leave them to their bitter rant.... But 'have a lovely mothers day'. Telling me i condescend to my oh. You seem to have a lot of anger. I am very glad your set up works for you. But if its so excellent and yoir oh so hot and your children so pretty, why the need to spread nastiness?

goingonabearhunt1 · 31/03/2019 09:50

One thing I have noticed though is society seems to push a kind of codependence. Ppl always seem to be really shocked when I say I'm going on holiday or to visit my family without DP. I go out a lot without him as well, to see friends, volunteer, go to talks/cinema etc. But ppl seem to find it odd that we don't want to do everything together. To me the idea of that is suffocating though I spose it must work for some ppl.

Skypatrol · 31/03/2019 09:51

I think you're confusing love with romance.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/03/2019 09:53

“I don't know anyone my age 49 who has had a relationship that's lasted. They are all divorced 2-3x.”

Blimey, that’s unusual, surely?

Real “partnership” love (not romantic love, as that’s fleeting, even if it lasts a number of years) does exist but I think it’s probably hard to find and you’ve both got to be the type of person who recognises that life has its ups and downs and things need working through. You can’t bail at the drop of a hat. I have been with my DH 22 years. 2 years ago I thought we were on for divorce at some point. Middle age had hit both of us hard. Our sex life is not the fireworks it was when we first met. We are tired from our jobs and the kids and that makes us moody sometimes. There is a sense of “is this it?” when every day is ground hog day. We have aging parents with health problems and this brings worry with it and concern for our own mortality, especially when we look in the mirror and see ourselves aging and gaining middle aged spread.

All of this is not conducive to romantic love and if you think that you need to split up once that has gone then you’re mistaken. You work through the tough times and hope things will work themselves out. Because sometimes they do, and then you’re left with real love.

SparklySneakers · 31/03/2019 09:56

@Playtive Thanks
I've been there thinking like you. Right now I'm 42, divorced, single mother of 3, not currently working but going back soon, and the happiest I've ever been. I don't need a man in my life. I don't want a man in my life. My life is complete.
Some people do seem to find "the one" but I think it's rare.

Megs4x3 · 31/03/2019 09:58

Couldn’t agree more CarlGrimesMissingEye. Does no-one ever stop to think that men are horribly let down by the Hollywood hype and that anyone who is taken in by it needs to get their brain in gear, do their own thinking and start discarding fantasy. I’m so saddened by the way some women treat and speak of men these days. There are some wonderful, caring men on the planet including my father, husband and sons. My abusive ex and ex-son-in-Law not so much but I don’t tar all men with the same brush. Some of them are hugely disappointed in women.

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/03/2019 10:01

Choosing to be alone is not something to be proud of

What an odd thing to say. It certainly isn’t something to be ashamed of either. If you can be happy and fulfilled when alone you are more likely to make good relationship choices as you are doing it for the right reasons, not in desperation just for someone to fill the vacancy.

trancepants · 31/03/2019 10:01

I agree with you for the most part OP. I'm looking at most of my friends in our 40s and by far and away the happiest are the divorced/single ones. Of my friends who are happy in their marriage it's absolutely clear that they are doing the bulk of the hard work in their families. So as much as they love their husbands and have a happy family life, all I can think is why in the name of god would one adult be doing the lions-share of the work. Absolutely nothing that a man brings to the table could be worth doing all that extra work. Nothing. I don't know a single man who comes close to pulling his weight as a partner and father. I love sex very much but I'm not going to pay for it by doing an unequally heavy portion of grunt work.

I don't agree that men are obsolete though. I could see a future where I date a man, someone I have chemistry with and meet for fun and sex a couple of times a week but who's underpants I never, ever wash. And in the meantime, I'm trying to raise my son to be the type of partner that every fucking man is perfectly capable of being. Maybe the next generation of women will get a better deal. But as for me, I never want to live with a partner again.

OhTheRoses · 31/03/2019 10:04

DH and I instantly made a connection and quickly fell in love. Over three decades we have lived our life together, grown our DC, buried a child and our fathers. We have bought and loved homes. I love him more now than when we married 28 years ago.

But I would say that marriage can be hard even when it is entered into without doubt; with doubtI imagine it becomes arduous and miserable.

Would I marry again if anything happened to DH. No, probably not. I could not give my soul to another or compromise to new ways.

mydogisthebest · 31/03/2019 10:06

I don't agree at all. I have been married 39 years and still very much in love with my DH. We are also best friends. I would rather spend time with him than anyone else.

Personally I think women have been sold a total fairy story about having children. Made out to be so wonderful when, in reality, it rarely is.