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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:

dimsum321 · 31/03/2019 08:05

sorry for typos!

TheKrakening3 · 31/03/2019 08:09

I do think romantic love is oversold. I met my DH at 30. I wanted children and he fit the bill as he was stable, kind and reliable and would make a good father. We have never had fireworks and that is ok. I do love him so though, If I met him later in life, past my childbearing years, I would not have been in the slightest bit interested as having children was the reason I wanted a partner.

I always loved being single and having total agency over my life. If he died or left me, the last thing I would want to do would be entering into another relationship. I have my children and wouldn’t need anyone else. I cannot relate to the despair and desperation of newly single women to pair up again.

Honestly, if people looked for partners with the “boring” traits like reliability, fidelity and predictability rather than the spark and crazy passion, they would be better off in the long run.

AuntMarch · 31/03/2019 08:12

I get it! No desire to make long term plans with someone else.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 31/03/2019 08:20

Is it not? Oh bother,I best stop being proud then.

GrumpyOldMare No, it’s not. You haven’t achieved anything by being alone so there’s nothing to be proud of.

Seriously though,I'm happiest alone than in a relationship.Hate the feeling of being smothered/having to do/be what someone else wants.Don't think I'll ever have another relationship with a man. Friendship yes,but nothing more than that - in my experience it gives them control over you.

If you think you’re happier alone then that’s great, but I feel sorry for you that your experience has led you to feel like that.

keepforgettingmyusername · 31/03/2019 08:23

'He's a decent man and a good dad, but I do often wonder why I should stay in our relationship as I don't feel I need him around. '

As I get older I sometimes have those thoughts. Then I think but do I want him around? If he suddenly wasn't there tomorrow how would I feel? I would be bereft. So I think I'll keep him, if he'll have me

Teateaandmoretea · 31/03/2019 08:28

Honestly, if people looked for partners with the “boring” traits like reliability, fidelity and predictability rather than the spark and crazy passion, they would be better off in the long run.

I think it's more about having stuff in common actually and similar values. Being stuck with someone boring would be awful but you are never going to get on long term with someone with a different outlook on life or who treats you like a housekeeper.

Chuck in similar interests and the ability to have fun together and you can also keep the spark alive. Its also really strange how few people have mentioned sex, surely having good sex is also important?

I think yabu op because you clearly haven't ever had a good relationship.

StitchingMoss · 31/03/2019 08:29

@dimsum321, I am extremely lucky! I’m very aware of that and remind myself often .

Our life experiences shape us too don’t they - we’ve lost a fair number of friends in the last few years (all in their 40s) and this has brought it home to us very sharply that we don’t want to wait until we retire to do the things we want to do. Life is so very very short and I want to squeeze every last drop out of it. I feel for you - don’t know how I would cope if dh didn’t want to travel and didn’t countenance me going alone .

speakout · 31/03/2019 08:32

Romance and love aside it is pretty handy having another helpful adult in the family. Workloads are shared, burdens eased.
Yesterday OH put up shelving in the garage, did the weekly shop, took in laundry, ironed, took and picked up DD from her part time work, filled and emptied the dishwasher, took out garbage, fixed my car radio.
Went to pick up a take away for dinner, and still had time to tell me how happy he is and feels he is the luckiest man alive to have me in his life.

dimsum321 · 31/03/2019 08:35

@StitchingMoss, you are extremely lucky.

I totally agree with your sentiment, none of us can guarantee we'll be around in 1,5,10 years from now. I'm 50 next year, DH was 50 last year, I feel time is running out as there I want to see every inch of this planet before I die. I often say I just want to travel and when I get too old and unable the final stop on my journey will be Switzerland.

Decormad38 · 31/03/2019 08:37

I agree op. Im in a relationship with a lovely man but I think the whole romantic love bullshit has never helped women.

Take the other Hollywood thread about stalky men showing up with flowers at your house as an example.

I hope my daughters navigate this double standards bullshit well. I think and hope they will.

speakout · 31/03/2019 08:40

My aim is just to settle in one place.
I didn't have my first child until I was 38, I travelled to the furthest corners of the globe in my 20s and 30s, nowadays I am happy to do the odd short haul holiday. No real desire to explore far desinations. I have seen enough.

Fireandflames666 · 31/03/2019 08:40

Men are not obsolete, however love is pretty much pushed on us from a young age. Most of it is bullshit, even if men and women are truly happy and in love they still do cheat. I've seen so much of it now and I'm only 33.

AnyOldPrion · 31/03/2019 08:44

I tried to do this to an extent. He changed when we had children. We also have interests in common, are comfortably off and could have a great life, if only he genuinely saw me and the children as people who deserve as much respect and kindness as he demands for himself.

I also experienced limerance a few years ago. It felt like magic, but once the magic wore off, I could see my crush clearly and was horrified.

When I escape from my marriage, I won’t be looking for someone else. I believe I’ve learned to enjoy my own company enough to not need anyone.

MamaLovesMango · 31/03/2019 08:45

As others have said, it’s definitely the unrealistic way in which love is sold that is the problem. DH and I have been together in one way or another for a very very long time. We have a story Richard Curtis would bite my hand off for. However, the reality of it is the complete opposite of any Richard Curtis film I’ve ever seen! Unconditional love is HARD. The working at it, the compromise, the sacrifice, the simple fact that being so close to one person for a lifetime drives you insane. It’s tough! And if he were to die, or we split, I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to do all that again from scratch.

However, I do feel very lucky that Ive got to experience a ‘happily ever after’ in whatever form that takes.

thatdisorganisedmum · 31/03/2019 08:45

It's quite sad how many posters seem to have lost independence and fun the minute they walked into a relationship. If you start like that, it will never get better, will it? It seems that if women didn't settle for the wrong man or hope they would change him, they would end up less resentful.

I can think of some many reasons why I do want my husband around: he makes me happy, he makes me laugh and the man is HOT.

dimsum321 · 31/03/2019 08:46

@speakout I travelled too throughout my 20s and early 30s. But there is still so much more to see. I plan to buy a one way ticket to my first destination with no firm plans after that, just the complete freedom to go where I want, for however long I want, to travel by bus, train, boat, sometimes air, and see as much as possible, wildlife, nature, dramatic scenery, history, meet all sorts of people, try different cuisines. I just want to set off now! But DD has her GCSE's in a few months so I have to stay put.

MissFitton · 31/03/2019 08:47

@WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue I'm not sure what you mean about having nothing to be proud of if you are alone.
I've been very happily single for over ten years. I've got two fantastic children, have built up a business, own a great house and have a wide circle of brilliant friends. I can honestly say my life has never been better than since I got divorced and it's entirely down to my actions. But according to you I have nothing to be proud of?

ginghamtablecloths · 31/03/2019 08:47

Men aren't obsolete. I'm widowed and have learned to do some of those things which were traditionally considered male, like putting flat-pack furniture together, dealing with very basic car and home maintenance but I don't have a man's strength.

OK, I can just about open my own beer bottles but it always amazes me when I manage it without doing myself a mischief.

Love is great when it lasts and it often does. Romantic love changes over the decades and you become companions - hopefully you can ride off into the sunset together.

thatdisorganisedmum · 31/03/2019 08:47

The working at it, the compromise, the sacrifice,

I don't have that experience, it's not hard - being together is what make everything easier. What sacrifice? Apart from not sleeping around, which I really don't fancy, I haven't given up on anything.

NameChangeNugget · 31/03/2019 08:48

I couldn’t disagree more with the OP but, each to their own

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 31/03/2019 08:48

@cantfindname I'm so sorry for your loss.

CarlGrimesMissingEye · 31/03/2019 08:50

@thatdisorganisedmum I'm with you. I don't find my relationship hard work or lots of compromise. It makes living hard stuff easier.

Heatherjayne1972 · 31/03/2019 08:50

I kind of agree op
I’m divoced 3 kids. Decent job. Decent Home no debt

Someone asked me out the other day but I struggle to see what he could bring me that I don’t have already
I said no
He’s now miffed and sulking so kind of proves my point

CarolDanvers · 31/03/2019 08:51

Couldn't agree more. Once I had my kids there was very little point in keeping their Dad around, he was an abusive selfish pig anyway but the scales fell away from my eyes once the children arrived. True love is what you have for your kids imvho. I've been married twice and lived with two others men. I'm done. I will never have a relationship again.

speakout · 31/03/2019 08:51

MamaLovesMango

Unconditional love- for a man?

Who does that? My love for my OH is totally conditional- he must respect me, be faithful, treat me well, pull his weight.
My love for him is totally conditional, and I hope he thinks the same as me.
The only people that get unconditional love from me are my children.

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