To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

[Playtive]

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

I can relate but I've discovered the more I age, the less I expect.

DP and I can often surprise one another but generally we are nothing like what I imagined after believing the crap from romance novels and films.

Yet now I am more content. I mostly expect respect, equality, loyalty and someone to have a laugh and chat with (and some sex on the side too).

I feel rather sad for all the PPs who have never had the experience of genuine life-long love.
My DH was my soulmate and the absolute love of my life. We had 16 years together and loved each other to bits, right up to his death at the age of 36.

That was 27 years ago and I still grieve him. His parents died recently in their 90’s, and they too were besotted with each other, even after 60 years of marriage.
Love does exist. Don’t give up on it.

Yep, Ruffle, its sold, sold, sold to women and girls. The reality is often quite different and we've been sold a pup! It can also be exploited commercially, once all these sensibilities are dragged out beyond the sweet teenage dreaminess which is where it belongs (IMHO). Plus it tends to push out other kinds of love. I think in the past people were less enamoured with Eros, and in fact it was seen as potentially dangerous. Whereas in our society its valued almost above all else.

There are many different kinds of love. E.g. according to what I've read on the internet only this morning .

E.g. Eros - passionate, sexual love.

Philia, or friendship, is shared goodwill.
Storge or familial love is a kind of philia pertaining to the love between parents and their children, especially when young.
Agape is universal love, such as the love for strangers, nature, or God. Also called charity by Christian thinkers.

I feel rather sad for all the PPs who have never had the experience of genuine life-long love

But why? I’m not interested.

Love does exist. Don’t give up on it

Don’t be patronising.

I’m perfectly aware love exists. I love my daughter, my friends, my family.

I’m not in the slightest interested in romantic love. That’s not “giving up”, unless you - as society does - sees a couple as the default.

@Babdoc

Thank you for your pity it is not required at all. I love my friends childen family and pets. It’s ok, people do get to experience other love just not always with a man doesn’t make anyone less whole

Sorry for your loss though

I am not feeling well today and my DD text me to ask if I am ok. That makes me feel loved. It’s enough for me, things like that. My DC, Dsis and nieces and nephews all tell each other we love each other whenever we speak, we all express lovely love to each other in hugs kisses laughter and kindness. I don’t need anyone’s pity because I don’t have a make believe soulmate

Sorry for your loss, Babdoc.

My mum feels sad for my sibling who chose not to have children. My sibling doesn’t feel sad at all about being child free. My mum says, “But I loooooved having children,” and of course she did. Yet somehow she doesn’t understand that not everyone wants to have children. She thinks my sibling is missing out on something central to life.

To me, this sadness that other people are single seems similarly misplaced. Sure, be sad for/with them if they’re actually sad! But if not? It seems a bit projecty to me.

Yes, PokieDo and Jaques, you do get that attitude on Relationships Board alot.

E.g. woman posts with abusive partner who she might be trying to leave (but sometimes still lurves). Lots of people encourage her to leave, which is of course good advice. But quite a few add the line "and you will then meet someone nice like I did". As if thats the only reason to live leave! So some women simply jump out of the frying pan into the fire. I do believe there are long term truly loving soul-mate type relationships but these are a real minority, most relationships are not like that and trying to pursue something that is not available to most can be dangerous at worst and at best a waste of time and energy. There are so many other aspects of the world to love, all this Valentines Day (mugs - literally on sale in Sainsburys) can be a poor distraction for other powerful and wonderful kinds of love.

So true sewingsee, i may have met somebody, a full decade after leaving abusive x, but the real happy ending was that i no longer needed to
I had become brave enough to do things on my own and im happy in my own company and i dont care about what people think of my relationship status and im looking forward to the future. THAT is the happy ending!!

PookieDo, I don't have a "make believe soul mate" either. I have a real one.

I would have thought anyone with an ounce of intelligence would realise that the hearts and flowers romance in films and books is not true life. How could it be? Real life is having to work, having to cook and clean etc.

However it is possible to find someone who you love and loves you. I met DH 39 years ago and it wasn't love at first sight but I liked him so much from our first meeting and he felt the same about me. We just got on so so well and clicked immediately.

Our feelings did quickly turn into love but if that real connection and friendship had not existed we would not have got married. As it was we married 5 months after meeting and are still very happy and still in love.

As well as still being in love though we still really like each other. We would both rather spend time with each other than anyone else. When I do go out with friends or family I do enjoy myself but always think I would have enjoyed it more with DH.

I can talk to DH about anything, confide anything to him. He will always be sympathetic and try to help if it is needed. We both know we can totally trust the other. We share the same views on infidelity.

I do think one of the reasons we have such a strong and loving relationship is because we chose not to have children. There is no getting away from the fact that children too often cause damage to relationships

Forgive me for @ing you as I don’t generally like it @SelkieRinnNaMara but I just wanted you to know what a fantastically wise post your last one was.

THAT is the happy ending!!

I love this.

@mydogisthebest

And yet, I have a great relationship with my DH, despite us adopting 2 DDs. We have our issues but they're as a result of my past not anything to do with our DDs. If anything, they bring us closer together because DD1 has adoption related trauma and we've had to work together to get her the help she needs.

So you can't generalise, every relationship is different.

I do think one of the reasons we have such a strong and loving relationship is because we chose not to have children. There is no getting away from the fact that children too often cause damage to relationships

Where as our relationship is even stronger because we had our DS. Children don't damages relationships.....adults do.

Of course not all relationships break down because of children but many many do.

Almost all my friends with children are divorced (some more than once) and a lot of them say having children was the start of problems.

Maybe a coincidence but none of my childfree friends are divorced but rather all on first marriages that have lasted at least 28 years.

I think you are lucky if children do not, at least, put a strain on the relationship.

@mydogisthebest I think it's not so much children to blame, but modern parenting. Putting children at the centre of the universe, not making time for each other etc. I do know couples with children who have withstood those years, and the most evident thing is how differently they parent from the ones who split (looking at my own parents and friends' parents). We get lots of raised eyebrows for going away without the children, frequently going out for meals etc, but I can honestly say we're the happiest we've ever been (school aged kids) we tackle parenting together and make time for ourselves as individuals and as a couple.

And just to add to that, a conflict of parenting, it can be hard to know what type of parent you'll be before you have kids and if your partner and you are on different pages that rarely goes well, but as I say we have a very similar approach so it doesn't cause the tensions I see in others.

If love for you is some Hollywood crap then I feel sorry for you. I think choosing a partner is a skill, and a lot of people don't see the early signs that someone is possessive, controlling or selfish. Finding a compromise is not a sign you don't love someone, or that what you have is not love, it's a sign of being a fully developed intelligent adult. Yes, love doesn't happen to everyone, sadly, but this alone is not the reason it is pointless, or that life without it is some sort of wonderful miracle. I think it's a boring or a hard one, in fact.

I think you are spot on tealtights and this is exactly how we approach parenting.

I do think one of the reasons we have such a strong and loving relationship is because we chose not to have children. There is no getting away from the fact that children too often cause damage to relationships

Where as our relationship is even stronger because we had our DS. Children don't damages relationships.....adults do

I agree with both. However, some partners are best for child-free life, while with others you can have a happy family life. Either it's down to people's core values, or levels of energy and how much hardship/money worries they can take before becoming very miserable and hard to live with, I don't know.

I would like to add as well that I have many friends who are happily married and have children. And my DSis as well. So there's no reason why having children should necessarily lead to a relationship breaking up. Obviously, children can put a relationship under strain and can definitely play a part in relationship breakdown.

As has been said, it's necessary to prioritise your relationship once you have children, otherwise you will grow apart.

Lizzie i disagree. I think people who are destined to grow apart will do so anyway.

@RuffleCrow I don't believe in "destiny" but it's probably a case of cause and effect, if you genuinely love your partner and like spending time with them then you probably naturally prioritise spending time with them, I know with my own parents they weren't a very good fit so my mum absolutely threw her all into us with little attention to my dad but I think that was a way out of committing to a relationship she wasn't happy in. That said, I do think any relationship no matter how happy puts itself under threat if not nurtured, I've seen in threads gone by of"marriages on back burners while children are young" and I think that's a risky (and sad) position to take, for everyone involved.

I don't really think destiny plays a part at all. Even the closest of couples can grow apart if they don't spend time together. Sometimes there's too much water under the bridge and a previously happy relationship breaks down.

Obviously, there are couples that aren't compatible at all, whether or not they have children

I agree with @Tealtights though, I enjoy spending time with my DH so it's something I prioritise.

Am I having a Julie Burchill moment? Just falling asleep Zzzzzz.... as women go on ... and on .... and on ... and on! .... about their "relashionships". As if anyone cares? Maybe you just have to have a lobotomy to blab on and on on MN about this stuff methinks? ZZzzzz....

I meant "as if anyone cares" no question mark at the end!