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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:
WeSaidNo · 02/04/2019 17:48

Well, my thoughts probably aren't going to bring any rays of sunshine but I think that the concept of 'love' is pretty much irrelevant in the reality of a species breeding to ensure its continuation which is ultimately what we're doing subconsciously IMO.

thatdisorganisedmum · 02/04/2019 18:06

I bet there are a lot of women reading this who have thought the same about their relationships but were proved wrong are giving a wry smile now.

There's a rather large gap between a Hollywood Honeymoon period and a man cheating and dumping his wife whilst she is busy cleaning the bathroom or cooking meals with curlers on her head.

I am curious why you keep on insisting that it's men who cheat in relationships?

PookieDo · 02/04/2019 18:12

Was thinking about this today
I am so much more self assured as I age
When I was younger I would put up with so much more crap in a relationship and think that ‘it’s supposed to be hard work’ as i get older I do not want more added hard work. It is hard work to get a RS off the ground you need to sacrifice time to do so and without any guarantee there will be longevity in it.

It’s very difficult to be in a position where you feel you can build a career, raise your DC and try to start a RS from scratch - so many women on here taking about when they ‘gave up on men when they were 26 then met the one’ you do not have 2 teenage DC doing GCSE’s, work long hours in a difficult job. I as a woman don’t have anything to offer a man and a man doesn’t have anything to offer me. I have many friends who feel the same

PookieDo · 02/04/2019 18:16

What I have an objection to is the concept that love will cure or fix anything, that it is supposed to complete your life and make you whole

Single people often feel judged that they are seen as not whole because they don’t have ‘my other half’ (awful awful term which I detest)
I don’t blame women for backlashing against this concept of needing another half in your life. The reality is a RS is really not going to make anything better if you already have a good life, it won’t fix anything and in my own mind it would clearly mean I have to make a sacrifice in another area of my life

shitpark · 02/04/2019 18:20

When I break up with someone, I often feel like this. But then I meet someone I click with, there is chemistry and I start to miss not kissing him, and inevitably fall n love. I don't believe in everlasting love, but I do think it is human to develop feelings for someone. Plus it's lovely when it's good

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 02/04/2019 18:33

The expectation that you stay with the same person for life is an outdated concept

For some people perhaps, for others a life long partner is entirely feasible and indeed desirable. It took me till my early 30s to find my wife, I did not settle or make do, I was not terrified of being single either. However 12 years on she is undoubtedly still my best friend who I love dearly and would be devistated if anything happened to her. I like the idea of us getting old together. I travel a fair bit with work, lots of swanky hotels and restaurants at my disposal, plenty of opportunities to cheat if I wanted to, but I don't, because I love my wife and know she would be devistated if I betrayed her like that. I don't think our relationship is Hollywood, we just didnt set a low bar with what we wanted from a partner and we are not arseholes.

namechangedbutneedadvice · 02/04/2019 18:43

What about sex? Self-pleasure aside, surely sooner or later you'll miss great sex with a man (assuming you're a hetero female)?

JacquesHammer · 02/04/2019 18:45

What about sex? Self-pleasure aside, surely sooner or later you'll miss great sex with a man

I have sex. Just not in romantic relationships.

PookieDo · 02/04/2019 18:48

I am not missing sex to be honest
It’s not always good even with a nice guy, it’s hard work in itself isn’t it! I’ve had sex before, it’s not something I need right now

I don’t think it makes me less of a person to not have sex for a period of time. I’m not bothered, I’m not bothering anyone else either

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 18:50

I would miss sex. Definitely

frankiefirstyear · 02/04/2019 18:53

I agree with your OP that’s how I’ve felt since my late 20’s when I’d discovered that ‘love’ I seemed to find was not balanced or positive after the initial period of the male part being a dream come true. I have awful taste in men though so have been lumbered with chests, feckless losers, drug using lay about’s and lastly abusive violent pricks.

I certainly won’t be making an effort to find the next ‘one’ to ruin my life! I think most women who claim to be madly in love with someone has either been extrodinarily lucky or have low expectations and so are not disappointed.

I know a lady who’s husband had been a child abuser for years yet before he was caught she claimed to be madly in love with him, I just can’t believe that, she must’ve been kidding herself!

PookieDo · 02/04/2019 18:54

If you are single your options for sex are finding someone through online dating or getting into it with an aquaintance friends with benefit style. Or going out with friends to try to meet someone.
It’s really not worth the hassle of doing all of that for some sex half the time

GregoryPeckingDuck · 02/04/2019 18:54

Well I agree that the way it’s sold as no compromises always happy shiny sparkly nonsense is silly but proper real love is wonderful. It’s wonderful having some in your life that you trust, who (mostly) makes you feel happy when they walk in the room, someone who shares affection with you, someone to bonk regularly, someone you can be honest with etc.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 18:57

'Wuv. Twue wuv'. . .Smile

I think you'd have to be a bit dim not to figure out that it's not going to be Princess Bride crossed with Gone with the Wind, crossed with Love Actually. . .

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2019 20:16

@frankiefirstyear that's how it's been for my DM. She was very much in love with my abusive F, and my DSis and I shattered that illusion a couple of years ago when we told her about the SA we suffered as children at his hands, and the hands of others too. (She had no idea.) He was abusive and controlling towards her, too, though she didn't recognise it as such.

Maybe if she'd been less devoted to him, he wouldn't have been able to pull the wool over her eyes, and we would have felt able to to tell her what was going on.

RuffleCrow · 02/04/2019 20:21

If i met someone i had a deep and meaningful connection to, no red flags etc then id consider another relationship. However i have no desire to shack up with another man ever again.

frankiefirstyear · 02/04/2019 22:11

@Lizzie48 that's truly heartbreaking. I have no other words I'm sorry but I wanted to say how sorry I am for what you must've gone through.

After picking one deadbeat after then next I simply do not trust my instincts on men, I don't believe in love (for a man), and though I put myself through the miseries of relationships I certainly have no desire to put my child through them as a result of my seemingly lack of ability to see through the falsities presented to me; therefore I hope to remain a single mother. I wonder @Lizzie48 if you would agree with my decision? 💐

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2019 23:26

Thank you god your kind words, @frankiefirstyear

I think your decision sounds like the right one for you at this time. OTOH, there are good blokes out there. My DH is a great dad to our DDs and we are happy together. My DSis's second marriage is a very happy one, too (her first was abusive). We both have trust issues where our DC are concerned, though, not surprisingly.

Mooadoodlebaa · 03/04/2019 10:45

Let me bust another myth. Just because your married it doesn’t mean your getting regular good sex. I’ve been married twice and I’d also been sold the myth that all men are up for it, always. Well they are not. Not in my experience. My first hubby was more interested in drink, my second had ED. I’ve spent most of my adult life not having sex and it saddens me deeply. The flings I had in between husbands would also substantiate that argument. I think when a guy is faced with a ‘well up for it’ sexual woman, he shits himself. I’m now a cold, hard hearted person who has been so starved of love and sex my barriers are immense to protect myself from disappointment and more hurt. I’m thinking it has to be me, my fault, as no one can surely be that unlucky.

GrumpyOldMare · 03/04/2019 10:52

What about sex? Self-pleasure aside, surely sooner or later you'll miss great sex with a man (assuming you're a hetero female)?

Single for 5 years and can honestly say I don't miss sex at all. Never really enjoyed it that much in the past anyway,for me it was never all it was cracked up to be.

RuffleCrow · 03/04/2019 11:00

I agree. Sex was always over in about 5 minutes with my ex and he would promptly fall asleep and i would have to masturbate afterwards to get any pleasure from it anyway. that old cliche, but true for so many Sad

Vitalogy · 03/04/2019 11:19

Isn't it an innate need to want to love and be loved. Not necessarily romantic love.

SewingSee · 03/04/2019 11:26

Romantic love is a bit over-sold.

Women put themselves through a lot of to try to live up to this ideal or fantasy, which is what it mostly is.

IMO.

FieldsOfWheat · 03/04/2019 11:27

I get absolutely nothing from classic PIV sex, never have. Oral - brilliant. The main event itself, about as good as someone rubbing my arm. I think I must be numb down there because I felt nothing during my smear test either!

RuffleCrow · 03/04/2019 11:44

Agree, sewing - it's a concept sold to young girls, teenage girls and women but never boys or men. No wonder they think we're all after something they can't deliver - it's a pretty alien concept from a male POV (over-generalises like crazy)

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