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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think “love” is a load of bollox for most women?!

466 replies

Playtive · 31/03/2019 00:32

It’s brightly packaged and sold to us but it’s all nonesense really. Even when you smugly think you’ve cracked it - fast forward 10 years and nope, no you haven’t. It’s all compromise and sacrifice, boredom and indifference.

Men are obsolete. I have my DC, I literally can’t think of a single other reason to want a man around. It’s all bullshit, I wish we never had “Hollywood” this side of the globe - many people would be a lot less disillusioned.

Anywho that’s my rant!

OP posts:

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 15:07

Even those who are family guys would still have extra marital/relationship sex if they could get away with it.

No they wouldn't. Some would but not all.
You could say the same about women...some would but many wouldn't.

Men are capable of being decent human beings too you know.

Sarcelle · 02/04/2019 15:10

A lot of men would, a few of them wouldn't. Most women don't get to meet the few.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 15:14

A lot of men would, a few of them wouldn't. Most women don't get to meet the few

I suppose it depends on the men you know.
I know very few men who would.

It's unhelpful to tar all men with the same brush and assume they're all cheating bastards.

Amongstthewildthings · 02/04/2019 15:24

I think it's always best to take people as individuals, otherwise you'd just despair.

Sarcelle · 02/04/2019 15:39

I know a lot of men aren't, but a lot of them are. And, you can't possibly know if the men in your life or that you know wouldn't. As I said, we are sold a romantic myth. Most women are sold the hearts and flowers Mills & Boon romance but the reality for most women (and men) is very different.

Love goes through many stages, but for an awful lot of men romance is what they do to get sex. The relationship board of this website is littered with posts where women, many of them long time married, who thought they knew their partner, he would never cheat on them etc but who eventually concede they never actually knew them.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 15:42

The relationship board of this website is littered with posts where women, many of them long time married, who thought they knew their partner, he would never cheat on them etc but who eventually concede they never actually knew them.

It's hardly a reliable, impartial sample though is it?

I much prefer to take a positive view of individuals rather than assume all men are only after one thing and would do anything to get it.

HolyForkingShirt · 02/04/2019 15:45

The relationship board is not a representative sample of the whole country! People go there when they have problems - if your relationship was happy and dandy, you wouldn't be posting! Assholes are a minority and that minority are the only thing that's written about online. Just like only people with something bad to say head over to TripAdvisor or Yelp to.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 15:46

No, I honestly don't think the only reason ibos doesn't have sex elsewhere is because he doesn't think he could get away with it.

We have a relationship based on mutual trust, expectations, and respect.

He's pretty amazing at the hearts and flowers stuff, even after 27 years together, certainly for the high days and holidays. He's not perfect - neither am I. Our relationship possibly isn't perfect, but it functions very well for us as individuals, as a couple and for our family.

I get that other people don't have the same relationship, or haven't had the same experience of men in their life, but that doesn't mean that all relationships are predicated to be the same as the one's they have (not) enjoyed.

stucknoue · 02/04/2019 15:54

I'm trying to save my marriage, I certainly do believe in love. Perhaps in 2 years I may feel differently but at the moment I really don't want to be alone and bitter!

thatdisorganisedmum · 02/04/2019 15:58

I think women buy in to the romance thing but men see it as a way of getting their leg over. I might be very cynical but to me men just want sex by any means, be they old, young, married or single. I know that is a massive exaggeration but the majority are in love with their penises.

Have you been out recently?
If men (or women ) were only after sex, it would make their life so much easier not to go into relationships! Go out, have a one-night stand, say goodbye in the morning and move on.
no one needs to commit if they are only after sex. Many people really want more.

I just have to look around me to see men who are happily committed and have no interest in cheating, even when they could get away with it.

Some people cheat, men or women. Others are past the stage of casual sex and are happy with something else.

Sarcelle · 02/04/2019 16:01

Men can do the hearts and flowers stuff but still cheat. It all goes back to OP's post about the Hollywood thing. Men and women are fed that romance is the ideal, but for many it's just a bit of a myth. A lot of men want families but still live the single life at the same time. I think a lot of women are won over with the slightest whiff of romance, however shallow it is.

On an individual basis I like men, and I love my DH. We have a good relationship but not one I would try to repeat if we parted for any reason. But I have not bought into the hearts and flowers myth of it all. I don't actually think that we (mainly men) are meant to be in monogamous (spelling?) relationships but that is what men have to buy into if they want families, although they don't have to do that so much now. Times have changed, there is Tinder and OLD, they can have children by lots of different women. The same is not so true for women, society cocks an eyebrow at women who do the same. And women bear the brunt domestically and lose out financially particularly when older.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 16:16

You have a very jaded and outdated view sarcelle.

A lot of men want families but still live the single life at the same time
I know one man like this and his behaviour is not endorsed by his wider friendship group. In fact, he is consistently told by men and women that he is out of order.
I do, on the other hand, know lots of family orientated men who would HATE to live the single life again and shudder at the very thought

I think a lot of women are won over with the slightest whiff of romance, however shallow it is.

I don't know many women around my age who think like this! Maybe when we were teenagers or in our early 20's.

thatdisorganisedmum · 02/04/2019 16:19

I think a lot of women are won over with the slightest whiff of romance, however shallow it is.

I think you need to give women a lot more credit!

Sarcelle · 02/04/2019 16:29

I think I am upsetting a few people because they want to believe that "their" men are different, totally devoted to them, never straying. The Hollywood model if you like.

I will own to a bit of cynicism in the way that men operate but I am not at all jaded or outdated. I think a monogamous relationship is outdated and fake but it's something that most people (including me) bought into because that is what we were sold, but what now seems to be changing a bit. I am older now, I see relationships for what they are. My marriage is a deep friendship, affectionate, supportive, lovely etc but I would not feel the need to replace the relationship if we parted.

I am sorry to offend anybody. But whilst I do not agree that men are obsolete I do agree with the OP's original post about how love etc is packaged.

PinkGlitter123 · 02/04/2019 16:41

I know women in their 50's who are vulnerable to anyone showing a slight sense of romance towards them. Doesn't just happen to young women

HolyForkingShirt · 02/04/2019 16:41

I think I am upsetting a few people because they want to believe that "their" men are different,

You seem adamant that you're right, that it's your way and we're all dumb women who don't know our own men. Your statement implies you know our husbands, who you've never met, better than we do! Based on some generalisations. That's pretty patronising and rude really.

"I've had some bad experiences with men so therefore all men are dickheads and you're all idiots for thinking they're not"

thatdisorganisedmum · 02/04/2019 16:44

I think I am upsetting a few people because they want to believe that "their" men are different, totally devoted to them, never straying. The Hollywood model if you like.

Some of us are allowed to get out of their kitchen once in a while, and can see how other men than our own operate. It's quite sad if you cannot see that not all men are as shallow as you think.

I have no idea what I would do if I lost my own DH. I am not in a relationship for the sake of being in one, I don't know if I would meet someone else or not.
What I teaching my girls (and boys) is that they do not have to settle. You can be happy in an equal relationships, if it's not right, you do not have to stay - you only have one life and it goes quickly.

Sarcelle · 02/04/2019 16:49

I haven't had any bad experiences with men. One of my short term relationships was a bit of a Jack the Lad but he was not a forever thing, and the rest of them have been great. I have not said all men are bastards. You are projecting. You may know your DH very well but then lots of women in failed relationships thought the same at one point. I think I know my DH but do I really? Do I think he would stray? Very probably but that's not to say he doesn't love me, and it would not be the end of my world? Might be for you though?

thatdisorganisedmum · 02/04/2019 16:53

Sarcelle
not only am I not projecting but I wasn't talking specifically about my own DH.

I know quite a few men who could easily have cheated and get away with it, but were simply not interested. I also have male friends, we also happen to talk.

I don't agree either with that view of "men cheat, women are at home".
It's 2019...

HolyForkingShirt · 02/04/2019 16:58

I have not said all men are bastards. You are projecting. You may know your DH very well but then lots of women in failed relationships thought the same at one point. I think I know my DH but do I really? Do I think he would stray? Very probably but that's not to say he doesn't love me, and it would not be the end of my world? Might be for you though?

I quote - "Even those who are family guys would still have extra marital/relationship sex if they could get away with it.". Extremely jaded, and to me implies all men are cheaters/bastards.

That's a shame if you think it's really likely your husband will cheat on you. That's your outlook though, and don't put that on all men. I think a lot of women in failed relationships knew there were cracks appearing or had suspicions.

If my partner were to leave I would be fine, just like I was for the 23 years before we met. Our relationship doesn't trap us in or keep us dependent like a lot of relationships I see - we have our own lives, hobbies, friends and holidays. We trust each other 100% - if I thought he was going to cheat on me, I wouldn't be with him. It's pretty insulting to tell strangers on the internet their husbands are all cheating on them, because of your twisted and cynical viewpoint.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 17:09

I think I know my husband fairly well. Including how important sex is to him. Not all men are the same in terms of how important sex is to them, or how little they care about more 'romantic' aspects - such as cuddles, backrubs, talking, etc. Any more than all women are the same.

I get quite tired of the 'all men are bastards/all the same/only after one thing' schtick. It's just sexism, pure and simple.

I had a friend who went from bad relationship to bad relationship. It was never anything to do with her at all, of course. No, it was that all men were bastards.

I called time on that when she started sneering at me for my long term, stable, happy relationship with DH, telling me it was all built on lies, and that if he wasn't cheating on me already, he soon would be, and then I'd know what life (and men) were really like.

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 17:16

I don't believe my DH is the Hollywood model of romance but I also refuse to sit here waiting for him to cheat on me... And I say that as someone who was cheated on by my ex husband.

I do know that I have a good man who loves me and our DS. Who is committed to us and our family unit, fun to be around and has the sexiest bum I've ever seen!

Sarcelle · 02/04/2019 17:21

I wouldn't be incensed if he did cheat on me though. The expectation that you stay with the same person for life is an outdated concept. I am not interested in finding anybody else, either now or if we parted, but he might want to. It would not destroy me, it would probably not break us up unless he wanted to. So, actually I don't feel like I am not living in 2019, I know what year I live in. I just no longer buy into the Hollywood romance ideal. I think a lot of women of all ages do, men not so much. They go along with it because society expects it and that is the old fashioned concept.

There seems to be a lot of fear on here, a lot of protestations that the men in their lives would never stray etc, they talk to male friends etc. I bet there are a lot of women reading this who have thought the same about their relationships but were proved wrong are giving a wry smile now.

mbosnz · 02/04/2019 17:24

Yes, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, either. Unless he hadn't used protection.

If it was a long term affair, then yes, that would be a different story, because it would seem to me that obviously he wasn't very content with our relationship, and we'd need to decide whether it was worth continuing.

It wouldn't destroy me, but it would be a significant disruption to our lives, because our lives have been structured around how our relationship enables it to work.

Thankfully, we've had this conversation, had it before we were married. The one premise we have held like glue to, is that whoever walks out has to take the kids. Neither of us are willing to walk out as a result. . .

CostanzaG · 02/04/2019 17:39

My ex cheated on me. It didn't break me or even devastate me. But I walked away as it was symptomatic of how poorly he treated me.

I'd my DH cheated I admit I would be devastated but I don't live in fear of it happening. I'm not responsible for his behaviour but he knows what the consequences of him cheating would be .....as do I.
I've not bought into a 'hollywood' version of romance but I love my DH deeply and know he feels the same.
It doesn't make me weak or delusional. It makes me happy.

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