My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

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My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

What OP is saying is that the 80k value to the house will need to be given back if the mother wants to leave. Brothers does not. OP can’t kick her mother out and keep the money, the money is essentially still the mothers as she would expect it to go with her. If the value to the house is now £90k but the £80k would have to be paid back if DM leaves then OP only got £10k and DB got £70k with no strings

You really need to tell her to stop throwing that threat around. She needs to respect the fact that you used the money for her benefit. Write down the things that need to be discussed and yourself and Dh can then sit down and do your best to have a civil chat about it. Have your bills to show how much they cost and how her living there has increased them more than you had originally allowed for. Consider her as a lodger as opposed to your mum, and then the issue of lack of childcare and cleaning your part of the house etc, won't actually be an issue as you wouldn't expect that from a lodger.

Every time she brings up paying back the £80k, say 'I'll ignore that comment' and change the subject. There's no way in hell she'll want to move out if she's comfortable there. And if she did push for getting the money back she'd most likely never see you again so won't risk that. Have a chat, be firm and take no shit. Don't bother bringing your brothers money into the conversation. That's between her and him.

Difficult because if you said you were selling up her contribution has added value to your home as much as she has added to your brothers investment.is her annex really adding to your day to Day bill costs or is it the fact you have found out she has given your brother similar funds an issue?
Maybe you need to say costs are going up and ask her for an increase in the monthly allowance. If you are planning on staying long term harmonious terms you may just need to suck up the fact she isn’t helping you as much as you like, if things were reversed and she lived in your brothers annex would he be complaining of the same? I have sympathies as with my DSis, I live far away, I can’t help the situation but I help equally with costs and visit as much as I’m able.
You need to either get him to help with costs, get her to agree to pay more or bite the bullet and say you are selling, she can have her £80,000 back, so she either needs to move in with him or get a retirement place.
If things are really bad I would imagine doing all this and moving would be preferable to not having her tell you how to parent but i do wonder if she is actually adding much to your day to day bills or if it is the fact you have found out she gave money to your sibling that is the issue.would you happily sell and hand over £80,000 to stop being miffed about cleaning & gardening help?

I think what she is doing is fine. Why should she do housework for your part of the house? She is responsible for her own areas only.
You say you want her to clean the kitchen as she uses it but if she is using it to do breakfast for your children then as long as she doesn’t leave a pile of dirty dishes and the oven dirty then that is enough.
Nor is she a babysitting service so why should she be doing your childcare? She is still young enough to want and have her own social life rather than spend her time acting as your housekeeper and au pair.

The money issue of what she gave your brother is none of your business.
As to £150 per month if you don’t think it covers the gas, electric, water and anything else you think she should be contributing to for her annex then speak to her and work out what the true cost is and ask her to pay that.
If she is making comments about your parenting then tell her to stop.
If you truly cannot get on anymore then yes you need to find a way to give her the £80k back and allow her to move out.

I would never live with my mother to the poster who said this was heartless. Op has gone over and above what most people would agree to!
I have a mother who is always the guest and never a host, she needs to be driven everywhere, bought special (expensive) food for silly diets and (imaginary) allergies, who does not babysit or help one tiny bit with anything at all not even washing her own cup up or offering help after scoffing a dinner we made her. This drives me mad OP and my DM also makes parenting comments, I do not engage with her unless I really have to and don’t tend to socialise with her unless I have to either. But as you live together I would say total honesty and a frank chat could be useful here. Saving up resentments is not a good way to do things

I think the £150 is too low - what is the cost of her living there in utilities/council tax/internet etc. is that fair? How much have your bills increased in percentage terms over the last four years? You could say that she has given you €80k, but as she has given your brother nearly the same with no strings, I'd say she should pay a fairer contribution.

I wouldn't be having her interfering with your parenting - that's another matter to deal with.

I've searched but can't see if you have a partner who is also effected? If so, what do they think?

I would try not to think about what your brother was give and focus on getting your home life sorted. You can't change things for him.

What does your dh/dp think?

Bills-wise, the £150 was her suggested amount. It doesn't cover food - it's just for gas, electric, council tax, petrol etc. We just guessed at a figure because at the time, talking about money felt really horrible and we didn't do any exact calculations.
Starsparkle - My mum and I have never been that close. She has a better relationship with my brother but when my dad died I thought perhaps we could improve relationship but my painful childhood just seems to rear-up every time she criticises how I handle my kids. In hindsight, living together was not the solution I hoped it would be.
Yes, I have a husband who'd very chilled out and generally gets on with my mum but has pointed out that he feels she could contribute more financially as she's the only person at home mon-fri and whacks the heating up super-high even in summer.

Work out the true cost of running the annex OP and maybe suggest that she keeps to that area only in the future. Then there will be no issues in respect to cleaning, threats etc...

The thing is you’ve got the power in this situation because there’s no way for her to get the money back from you unless that was a written agreement in advance, so next time she threatens to leave tell her to go, that’ll give her a shock.

This ^

It is horrible of her to blackmail you like this.

I agree with you OP, this seems unfair. Your money came with a huge condition. My parents and I explored buying a house with an annex and they dry much wanted to give my brother 'his half' at the time and due to this insistence we couldn't afford to get a place with an annex. If we had gone down this route as it turns out we'd have had major problems meeting round the clock nursing home fees when that time came. As the money would have gone. Round here the decent nursing homes were private.
Also seems very likely that if your DM becomes poorly/frail etc all the care needs will fall to you.
Not sure where else she'd live that bills would be £150. I appreciate it's a 'house share' but even so. I'm surprised she refuses to do childcare.

Lots of separate issues.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. She was too young for you to build her a granny flat, she’d have been better off just staying sometimes, and being helped to settle at home. However, you can’t go back in time.

You have a few options, but only you can decide how you want to deal with it.

1: Tell her she has to stop criticising your parenting & undermining you and that if she’s going to be using the house she needs to do her share of cleaning it.

2: Tell her she needs to live entirely in the Granny Flat, and phone/knock etc before coming around as she would if she lived elsewhere.

You have to decide what your boundaries are then make them clear to her.

I can’t see how the additional gas/electric/water are costing you more than the £150 she’s paying paying you pm?

3: Tell her it’s simply not working out and she needs to move out. Tell her she can go and live in the flat her son bought with his £70,000. After all, she wants to be fair, so if his money was ‘no strings’ yours should be too, right?

4: Remortgage, give her the money back & rent the flat out.

5: Sell, give her the money back.

...I’m sure there are other options too.

What you cannot do is ‘do nothing’ when you feel how you feel.

OP didn't only get £10k because the house will continue to add value. It's not capped at an one-off increase of £80k.
tbh OP I wonder what you thought this was going to be like? There seems to be a gap in your expectations and your DM's. There's a strong sense that you expected a babysitter on-tap but I do think that was unfair and unrealistic. You have separate houses. You both pay household bills. Your DM is more like a neighbour than someone that lives with you.
You are very resentful. Either you need to change your attitude or buy your DM out. You can't continue like this.

Are you completely lacking any emotion or unable to show any empathy?
This person you call mother has lost her husband who happens to be your father. Nowhere in your thread have I read one word of empathy towards your mother.
She gave you 80 K - 'at the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension.'
' She gave my brother almost exactly the same - 10 K less '
It is all about the money is it not?

I've not asked for help in this regard but equally if my bus home from work is late, I'd like to be able to ask her to collect kids without a big sigh and a "can't any of your friends help?" type comment.

For this alone, YADNBU. She is a member of a household with small children, this is a perfectly reasonable request from you in a semi emergency situation. In this event, she is the friend.

You definitely need to figure out what you want to happen and talk to her. It isn't fair for her to pay towards the mortgage but it is fair to pay a percentage for all other bills including petrol.

Your brother is renting out property so at some point he could sell that flat - it seems that your mother was able to give him the money because she moved in with you at a time when she needed family. It doesn't seem like she needs family around now so the fair thing (rather than you giving back 80k) is for your brother to give back say 35k and you to give back 45k (or something along those lines) or if he doesn't want to do that your brother could let your mother move into the flat rent free other than usual bills and you both keep the money you were given - maybe you could give him 5k to make it even. I think all 3 of you should work it out.

@crimsonlake It was OP's empathty four years ago that resulted in this situation.

Who owns your house? DM will have a job getting the money back if it's in your name.

Has she got any money left?

Who's going to look after her when she's 80 and needs full-time care? Can you afford to give up work?

70k for a buy to let is a nice present. 80k in exchange for 40 years' accommodation and full time care in old age is a surprise delivery I'd be refusing to sign for.

She could be there for 30 years. Was the arrangement for her to stay there for the duration? My friends in their 60s are still dating, none live in children's homes or want to!

You cant expect help with children but its hurtful she doesnt want to. Im assuming as she ages she will exoect more care and more driving around from you.

3: Tell her it’s simply not working out and she needs to move out. Tell her she can go and live in the flat her son bought with his £70,000. After all, she wants to be fair, so if his money was ‘no strings’ yours should be too, right?

Yep, I suggested the same. And if she wants to be fair, she’s lived with you and now she can go and live with him.

Oh OP, she is far too young to be living in a granny flat. What if she gets a new boyfriend?
In your situation I would be tempted to explain that things are not working for you and that you will sell the house to release her 80k. She can then find somewhere else and you can get on with raising your own DC your way.
You say you had a difficult childhood, please dont let your own kids have that experience because of the strained atmosphere in your home now.
I think you have done your best but her attitude regarding the conditions she has placed on the money she gave you are ridiculously unfair.

If she is using more heating then she should pay for it.
My mother has lived with me for quite a few years, bit different as my mum is older and disabled so can’t live alone even if she wanted to.
She feels the cold a lot more than we do so she ups her contribution during the winter months and pays her winter fuel allowance over to me. The rest of the time she pays enough to cover food and her share of everything else anything left over I save for any household things that comes up as since she has been here I have had to replace the pump and the water tank in her disabled bathroom.

70k for a buy to let is a nice present. 80k in exchange for 40 years' accommodation and full time care in old age is a surprise delivery I'd be refusing to sign for.

This. She’s bought a granny annexe for £80k (bargain) and only paying £150 pm month bills (also a bargain). Bit refusing to be part of the household other than when it suits her. Frankly, she’s a CF.

That does sound unfair.

What a difficult situation to be in.

I think you need to ask for more money than £150 a month. Maybe £200?

Is her moving into your brothers flat a possibility? You could give her back the £10 000. But this probably would have a terrible impact on your family relationships. So would you be ok with that?