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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

456 replies

lookybooky · 30/03/2019 21:35

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 30/03/2019 22:14

She needs a job. My parents worked until they were 75. That would give her something to do and keep her out of your kitchen.

BonnesVacances · 30/03/2019 22:14

I'd look at trying to remortgage to give her back the £80k and let her buy a retirement flat. Then just tell her the arrangement isn't working for you anymore. It's not going to get any better as the issues aren't going to go away.

DeRigueurMortis · 30/03/2019 22:15

Also OP you haven't just had £80k from your mother.

With 4 years of bills you've had over £87k.

You'd be paying for childcare if she wasn't there.

In your first post you said the £80k covered the cost of the extension so your mortgage costs haven't been impacted and frankly £150 seems a very reasonable contribution to bills for two rooms.

The only point I think you are not unreasonable on is if she's criticising your parenting and this needs to stop.

GuineaPiglet345 · 30/03/2019 22:15

The thing is you’ve got the power in this situation because there’s no way for her to get the money back from you unless that was a written agreement in advance, so next time she threatens to leave tell her to go, that’ll give her a shock.

aidelmaidel · 30/03/2019 22:16

She needs to quit backseat parenting, and you need to quit being her chauffeur. If she can make it clear that she won't babysit, you can make it clear that you won't drive her about.

Hearhere · 30/03/2019 22:17

I agree this isn't going to get any better

burritofan · 30/03/2019 22:17

Well, there was choice: she invited her mum to move in and accepted the 80k for the extension. She didn't just come home one day to discover a two-storey addition with kitchenette and mother installed.

OP, have you spoken to your mother about the bills? Have they actually gone up by X amount since she moved in? It's not unreasonable to expect her to cover costs and to clear up the kitchen after herself. Driving her sounds like a pain but possibly fair exchange for the breakfasts she does with your kids.

Would you be as irritated if you didn't know about the money she gave your brother, or if she didn't critique your parenting? Think those are two separate issues.

Grumpelstilskin · 30/03/2019 22:19

Well, you could insist that she uses only her kitchenette in that case. Seems fair.

AnnaMagnani · 30/03/2019 22:19

Well given you aren't going to give her the money back she can whistle for it and start trying to have an adult conversation. You are stuck with a conversion you didn't want too.

I'd try leaving the issue of your brother's money out of it, painful as that is, and try to address day to day things like the parenting comments and covering her bills (there must have been inflation in the last 4 years).

Try getting your DH in on this so it's a family discussion and also she is less likely to have a parent-child dynamic with him.

edwinbear · 30/03/2019 22:20

Technically speaking, you’ve both invested money she’s given you into property so I think she’s tried to be fair. But it really wouldn’t kill her to offer to do a bit of babysitting or help out with tidying the garden given that presumably, she enjoys it too. It sounds like she basically feels like she’s in a leasehold flat with you and your DH as the freeholders/managing agent?

yumyumpoppycat · 30/03/2019 22:20

I can understand why you are upset as it is a bit unfair that you are now in a situation where you have to either continue a house sharing situation that isn't working or sell your house so you can give her the money back. You are a bit trapped. At the same time if you are asking her to move out she does kind of need the money back and it isn't your brother's fault that the situation has changed. I think it is one of those where Yanbu but neither is your mum.

kbPOW · 30/03/2019 22:20

Not commenting on the wider issues but 'she helps with the bills' doesn't really stack up when she pays £150 per month. Who buys the food? Did she give most of her money away?

TatianaLarina · 30/03/2019 22:21

I don’t think she can ask for the 80 grand back from OP if she’s not going to ask for it from DB.

I would just suggest she goes to live in DB’s investment property for a change.

Drum2018 · 30/03/2019 22:22

Did the extension affect your mortgage payments or did her money cover it all? If her money covered it and your mortgage remained the same then she shouldn't be liable to contribute to the mortgage payments. Tell her you need to sit down and review your bills as no doubt costs have gone up in the last 4 years. Then sit down and work out a fair increase in her monthly contribution to household bills where she uses the services. If she's cooking for herself in your kitchen ask that she cleans up before you need to use it. If she's cooking for the whole family then surely the rest of you can clear up after dinner.
The money issue is something you need to get past. What your brother did with his is none of your concern now. You invited your mother to live with you so try to accept that she's most likely there to stay and find a way to move on.

oldowlgirl · 30/03/2019 22:24

@Drum2018 has said exactly what I was thinking.

JessicaWakefieldSVH · 30/03/2019 22:24

The issue here is, the money given to you came with a big condition, you had to accept her living there indefinitely or give the money back. I’m assuming you can’t afford to give the money back, so you’re being forced to have her continue there and she is in fact using part of your home. This can work for some families, but it isn’t working for you and you don’t really need to feel bad about that. But both your mother and yourselves are in a tricky situation, she likely needs to stay there and you can’t afford to buy her out. So I think an honest conversation about how you’d like things to change is in order. If you think the money she gives isn’t covering things, work it out with her and show her. She’s not obliged to babysit, it would be nice but you can’t force that. If you don’t like her using your kitchen, tell her. Also, be very firm and tell her to stop interfering in your parenting. She had her chance to parent, now is the time for her to support you with yours.

What is it you want to change exactly? Do you just not like her living there anymore?

Dippypippy1980 · 30/03/2019 22:28

What does he £150 per month cover? Does it include food?

Livingoncake · 30/03/2019 22:32

Do you have a partner? I’d be very interested to know how they feel about all of this.

starsparkle08 · 30/03/2019 22:34

This is your mum , I don’t no what you expect her to do she’s been very giving to you . Do you not love having her with you , so ungrateful and sad :-(

Original poster
lookybooky · 30/03/2019 22:35

Thanks everyone. I'm genuinely trying to figure out if I am being unreasonable so v grateful for this.
De rigueur- just to be clear, I am paying for full time childcare and always have. I mention the lack of babysitting because everybody assumes having your mum living with you instantly means an amazing babysitter on tap. I've not asked for help in this regard but equally if my bus home from work is late, I'd like to be able to ask her to collect kids without a big sigh and a "can't any of your friends help?" type comment.
Yes I suppose I'm feeling frustrated that I can't afford to just pay her back every time she throws that line at me and even if I could (e.g by selling the house), my bro would be enjoying his money regardless. It just feels unfair but yes, that's the situation and I've got to deal with it Sad

OP posts:
NewAccount270219 · 30/03/2019 22:38

The problem with the bills is that there are two ways of seeing it and I suspect you see it differently to her. There are two ways of calculating it:
a) splitting the bills either equally between the three adults in the house or in some other proportional way - e.g., she pays 1/3 of the council tax, 1/3 of the gas bill
b) she pays the actual cost of her being there - so no council tax (as it won't have gone up with her moving in, assuming you aren't single), she pays about £10 a month of the gas bill as it'll only be a tiny added amount of her cooking and showers as the heating would be on anyway

The first way means you get a big financial benefit from her living with you, she probably only gets a small one over living alone. The second one means you get no financial benefit and she gets a huge benefit over living alone. Neither of these options are all that fair, and a good compromise is probably somewhere in the middle. But at the heart of this is an issue of whether someone is doing someone else a favour here - I suspect you feel strongly that you are, but she might not agree.

JessicaWakefieldSVH · 30/03/2019 22:38

starsparkle08

It is not ungrateful not to want your mother living with you. You don’t know her mother. This isn’t a situation that works for everyone and not every mother is the same.

JessicaWakefieldSVH · 30/03/2019 22:39

She needs a job. My parents worked until they were 75. That would give her something to do and keep her out of your kitchen.

I agree. My mother is still working at 72.

TatianaLarina · 30/03/2019 22:39

You could suggest that you give her 80 grand back as does your DB and she can use the total to buy a flat alone.

Livingoncake · 30/03/2019 22:42

I think you need to be firm on the parenting thing. “No Mum, this is how I have chosen to do it and it’s not up for discussion.”
If she throws a strop and threatens to leave, just shrug and say “Do what you have to do, Mum, but I won’t be paying you back your money until I can afford to.”
Please don’t be bullied or emotionally blackmailed. This is your home and your family, and you have a right to live as you see fit.