My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

[lookybooky]

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

I feel for the OP. She knows now that it was a mistake and telling her so does not help. It isn't just the money though, is it?

It is having to leave the house for shopping, school and work knowing that DM is probably going through all the drawers and cupboards to see what they have. There is no privacy in cases like this. DM knows what personal things happen in the bedroom etc. If it were me I would have a locksmith come in and put locks on all the doors except hers. That way at least they know their privacy is not being invaded. The doors do not have to be locked at night in case of fire, etc. but then DM will not be walking around.

Who knows who DM is allowing in the house rummaging? She could be having a field day going through everything.

DM should insure her own possessions and not be part of the household insurance.

I am so sorry for her. Years ago my eldest brought his girlfriend into the house while I was at work. She went through all the cupboards and drawers, pulling everything out and putting them back in different places. It was a nightmare. All my office paperwork was changed around. Nothing was taken, but she knew just how to do the most damage.

As this continues trust will eventually disappear and life may become unbearable. It could be that selling the home and buying another without room for DM so that she has to find somewhere herself might be the only solution to the problem. DM could move into DB's flat bought with her money. He may not get rent, but at least he will keep his 'inheritance'. I find it hard to accept that he should buy a flat with his DM's money and let it to strangers when his DS is suffering so much. I feel so sorry for her.

Could you put it to your DM that you need her to vacate so that you can accommodate much needed au pair?

She could apply for the position?

Have you had the discussion?

This sparked my interest & I had a look on line. Without wanting to unduly add to your stress, the gifts with reservation of benefits issue appears to merit involving a solicitor if at all possible. Skimming some content entirely as a lay person my impression was that it requires no formal documentation, it simply is a gift with reservation of benefits or it isn't. The money was given to you for a specific purpose - i.e. to build an extension for your mother to live in. She paid no rent & you haven't "enjoyed possession" of the asset gifted, i.e. the money. The part where it remains part of her estate for inheritance purposes could possibly lead to your brother having a claim to half of it in the event of your mother's death. While selling up & returning your mother's "gift" seems an absolute nightmare scenario it could possibly be the least awful option. This is a link to one of the explanations I found re on-line legal advice. www.wrighthassall.co.uk/knowledge/legal-articles/2017/04/05/retaining-interest-gifted-property/

Sorry, meant to say "could it possibly lead to your brother having a claim on half of it in the event of your mother's death?" not that it actually would/might.

So, you mum have you the money to extend your house , so in the short fall will give her a place to stay. BUT in the long haul gives you more equity in your house, on top of that she pays you £7200 a year in bills...............sorry what was the question again?