My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

[lookybooky]

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

if mother wishes to leave, she is welcome to do so but should take the extension with her and return the house to its original condition

Excellent suggestion fieldfare

Tell her this OP.

And I really think that Mother will have a nice bit of cash tucked by - she doesn't sound the type to out all of her eggs in one extended basket.

Just for balance, here's what it might look like from DB and DM's perspective.

The OP has voluntarily entered into an agreement with their DM which has resulted in her being given a hefty sum to 'enhance' her home. She has the benefit of DM's contribution to running costs but no care responsibilities as yet. DB may not know that she isn't a lot of help around the house, or with childcare, or indeed paying her way fully. He sees the OP's share of his DM's estate being protected from care fees, inheritance tax, and all the other costs that might eat into it.

Perhaps to him it seemed fair that he gets a similar amount now, adjusted by £10k to take account of the fact that DSis may in the future have greater responsibility for DM's care.

The problem is that life with DM is proving more burdensome than the OP realised, and she faces decades of it. She sees DB getting a no strings handout and understandably she resents it.

The OP's mother meanwhile is trying to be even handed with her DC, and failing miserably.

The OP's DM is not helping matters by throwing threats around. However she must be feeling very vulnerable, having thrown her lot in with a DD who apparently no longer wants her.

The OP's DM is young enough to live independently and it's time to do so. The OP and her DB need to facilitate this, given that they have benefited financially. It might mean giving back the money, and it might mean the OP has to move house (although the DM ought to help with the costs of that since she caused it to happen). But it will be worth it for the OP to have her life back.

The OP has not benefitted financially. There is the maintenance etc of the extra structure, but no income.
Her DM is about the same age as Emma Thompson. Retired and begrudging help with grandchildren = lazy and entitled.

I can’t believe hiw many prople are saying you should be grateful, I think they are jealous if your ‘inheritance’ it is completely unfaur that your brother has the same money to invest and earn rental on whilst you’ve kindly invited your mum to live with you. You’ve altered your home in a way that will not be highly sellable, not many will want a kitchenette/granny flat annex, you have no benefit from the extension ie) added living space for your family to use, this is all one sided for her benefit and yet she won’t pick up the children from school or babysit!!! Are you kidding me? Most grandparents would love to have that opportunity. Meanwhike she lets you pay for afterschool clubs and childcare. I’m afraid she sounds selfish and I would definitely remortgage and ask her to move out. Then ask her for half of your brothers gift so it’s fair.

Have you spoken to your mum yet @lookybooky

I feel sorry for your mother in this scenario and I applaud her for resisting being your unpaid babysitter/skivvy/housekeeper.

Jeez, that's just what families do. I can't imagine living with family and not helping one another out. Selfish, lazy cow.

I think Elle''s point about rephrasing the gift as 10K for living with you and 70K inheritance is a really good one. She didn't give you 80K for the extention, it was really only 10K. The 70K was inheritance - just like your brother's no strings 70K. Remind her of that, and what she has got for her 10K.

Honestly OP I feel for you. She does not sound like a great mother to have.

She doesn't actually want to participate in family life unless it suits her, so I suggest treat her like a lodger & write up some rules.

Draw up a spreadsheet of costs of having her there, include council tax 3 ways etc to get the 'maximum' figure she should contribute and see where you end up. She should definitely pay for heating for her areas, if it's not already zoned she should pay for the plumber/spark to do this. She has been black & white about money-you should too.

Give her a cupboard in your kitchen & half a shelf in the fridge for her stuff if she needs it & get her to buy her own stuff & clean up or she's not welcome in your house.

You do need to know her long term plans-make sure she knows that you won't be there to care for her if she deteriorates. Maybe she'd like to talk to your bro about when that happens.

It sounds cruel but she can't have it both ways. Making dc breakfast is barely helpful & she sounds like she's manipulating you atm. Perhaps you could offer a reduction in her costs if she wanted to do a day of childcare? Make sure that her negative parenting style wouldn't affect dc though & only offer if you'd want this.

Good luck

@GabriellaMontez

I think 150 a month is ridiculously low.

Break down the cost of council tax, broadband, energy. Let her know they'll be an increase. Was she expecting it to remain at that rate indefinitely?

It's nothing

The mum keeps mainly to her own rooms
Mum buys her own food
Uses the main kitchen to cook breakfast daily for the OP's children (not sure if she does her own cooking there too, but seems she cooks her own bought food not the op's)

So...

• council tax, would the mother have been eligible for a Council Tax Reduction if living on her own?
• broadband, surely the same cost whether mum is there or not?
• energy, divided by the number of adults and children in the house

If her mum's share of council tax was £65 a month, £75 for her share of the energy bills and £15 towards general funds seem reasonable.

What exactly is the gap - she's essentially prepaid the rent portion of costs, so apart from resentment because she's daring to live her life rather than either be a skivvy or pay through the nose, someone should itemise what mum needs to be paying towards over and above this and why.

Mum has heating all the time for the whole house.

so apart from resentment because she's daring to live her life

She’s not though. She’s living her life on top of the OP, using her kitchen, adding to her heating bills, and criticising her parenting to boot.

She’s welcome to actually go and live her own life, she’s not that old.

@TatianaLarina

Mum has heating all the time for the whole house.

What are the current monthly heating costs? What is the best way to sort heating for the two rooms OP says mum keeps to rather than the whole house?

How would I know what the monthly heating costs are?

She could get her own boiler, or some kind of metre on her part of the central heating system.

She could stop using OP’s kitchen regularly saving utilities there.

And she could also stop relying on OP for lifts to the supermarket and doctors etc, thus saving OP the petrol and time.

OP I really feel for you. At a time of bereavement your family made a series of decisions that have put particular pressure on you and made your entire life feel toxic. Did you know you were agreeing to spend the next 20 to 30 years seamlessly gliding into being your mother's carer? The normal trajectory of family life, where you and DH watch your children grow, survive their teenage years, manage the bittersweet transition of them moving out and becoming empty nesters and then perhaps grandparents...all of this is going to happen while cohabiting with someone who does not support your parenting or lift a finger to help.
How about a conversation where you frame it as " it's been 4 years, you are doing so well, you have really rebuilt your life since dad died. What are your plans now?" I am only 4 years younger than her and still wrangling teenagers and have just started a demanding new job. She has many happy productive years. Start encouraging her to see herself like this, but as a needy widow.
The money is such a mess, I don't know what to advise. But please don't throw your family life away in service of someone who literally will not lift a finger for you.

*not as a needy widow.

Well said *Daisypie

PPs revisiting the cost saying she's overpaying haven't RTFT! 🙄

Yes @Daisypie

It would be good if you could navigate this without falling out with her but you need her to change. She is acting like she is in charge.

Every time she criticises your parenting, act like her parent & tell her 'I don't want to hear your opinions on my parenting, you made your mistakes, I'm happy with my choices but if I want your advice, I'll ask'

I don’t think you should expect anything from her . She has added value to your property which I presume she will one day leave to you , by giving the extension on your house . She pays bills . She isn’t living off you . She deserves to have her own life without being a live in nanny .

Your anger is being driven by the fact that she gave your brother some money . You need to deal with the jealousy .
No matter what you say , she probably does help you , even if it is watching the kids for 5 minutes if you need to pop out in an emergency .

Some parents do a lot less and expect a lot more from their children in their old age ,you need to be grateful that she isn’t depending on you financially and appears to be self sufficient .

I think my mum didn't realise at first that there was a practical difference in the gifts and perhaps I've added extra resentment (and paranoia?) to it because she tried to hide DB's gift. She says it was nothing I needed to know about but I feel hiding it has made things worse - almost as if they're both laughing at me behind my back.

Imo your feelings are entirely understandable and as an outsider, I would feel exactly the same in your shoes. It almost looks as though she took you for a ride, and kept the gift to your brother secret to avoid you realising. She certainly hasn't treated you equally.

I think if I was in your position, OP, I'd try and discuss with her things like respecting your privacy, butting out of your parenting and raising her contribution to the running costs to a reasonable amount, and see what she says. If she then does the "Give me money back and I'll go", I'd point out that she's perfectly welcome to leave but that you're not returning the gift of money.

But then I'm a hard-faced old bat and wouldn't tolerate anyone who took the piss like that, even if they were my mother. You're probably much nicer than me (most people are ), and wouldn't feel comfortable with that.

If you do decide to have that kind of conversation with her, you need to decide beforehand how you will respond if she suggests you give her £80k and she goes.

I don’t think you should expect anything from her . She has added value to your property which I presume she will one day leave to you , by giving the extension on your house . She pays bills . She isn’t living off you .

She hasn't "given" the extension though. She gave OP the money for it, in the expectation that she could live there rent-free for the rest of her days. The increase in value is irrelevant, as OP is not in a position to realise it. She can't just sell up and spend that money on something else, or give it to her children or anything.

Otoh, she gave OP's brother almost the same amount to do exactly as he wished with. I see nothing wrong, given her mother's refusal to compromise about her behaviour, which is upsetting OP, if OP decides to end the arrangement and treat the money invested in the property as a gift, like the one her brother got.

My synmpathies are entirely with OP in this. Her mother is still relatively young, younger than me, and presumably more than capable of living independently and/or working. We're not talking about an old woman in her dotage, she's not even reached pension age yet.

Maybe you should put her on plenty of fish, find her a boyfriend, so she can move out

So essentially she has given you your inheritance to spend on a ‘house’ for her. It won’t add 80k or more to the value of your property (doubtful anyway) so you have majorly lost out here. Your brother got his inheritance to do as he should please with. It’s completely unfair and now she is living on your property for the princely sum of £150 a month. Cherry on the cake is the fact she doesn’t contribute to the household in any other way but gladly will use your amenities...

The fact she is in her early sixties and could well be living like this for the next two decades would terrify me. If I’m being totally honest, you shouldnt have agreed to do any of this but obviously that horse has bolted. I appreciate you thought you were doing the right thing but now in all likelihood you will be stuck with your Mother living under your feet and barely covering bills for the next 20 years.

Basically, your ‘gift’ came with strings attached, your brother’s didn’t. A bad decision was taken when your father passed away but there’s not much you can do about that now.
Going forward, sit down and work out how much she should pay for utilities, any of your food she consumes etc rather than an arbitrary £150.
I would expect a loving grandmother to want to occasionally watch her grandchildren, but no more than that.
If she uses your kitchen she should clean it afterwards.
When she criticises your parenting point out that you don’t need advice from her.

Personally I would just sell, give her her 80k back - no matter how unfair that is - just to get shot of 20 years of hell.

She can buy her own flat and criticise someone else.

She benefits from the home and garden and should pay a fair portion of bills and upkeep. Where else could you live for 150 a month?!

And she chose not to live alone so of course she shouldn't benefit from a single person discount!