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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

456 replies

lookybooky · 30/03/2019 21:35

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

OP posts:
Tavannach · 31/03/2019 05:20

your defence is that she gave you both a gift but you chose to spend yours on providing her a living space until she was ready to move on.

That won't stand up in court. It wasn't an outright gift. It was given specifically to build an extension for the OP's mum to live in. I doubt the OP wants to lie about the situation.

Bibijayne · 31/03/2019 05:31

OP YANBU. Your brother has a gift that he can do as he wishes, you have a burden.

At the time did you sign any paperwork with her? Did she specify the amount was a loan or a gift? It sounds like she's using the threat of taking the money back as a kosh to emotionally bully you with. Call her on it. Tell her to move out. And hold her to any written agreement made at the time. If it is to pay her back, tell her you'll draw up a payment plan. If not, tell her she can arrange to have the extension removed and taken back by her (at her own cost) and your house put back to how it was before she moved in.

kateandme · 31/03/2019 06:06

so if you've both got to do what you want with the money you can tell her to leave and get livin paying tenant like your bro?

mathanxiety · 31/03/2019 06:10

I work full time so we use nursery and after school club instead.
And she whines about picking up the children in an emergency, then gives batty advice about foxes.

She is taking the piss.

Sit down and take stock of the exact amount she is costing you and DH, then tell her her share of the expenses will come to £500 (or whatever it is actually costing you) per month and that this amount will be reviewed annually, with the potential to rise again as time goes on.

It sounds from your earlier posts as if there has been a Golden Child/Scapegoat-Black Sheep dynamic in your family, orchestrated by your mother.

I agree with Clairemacnam's posts here wrt the nuts and bolts of what is driving all of this.

kateandme · 31/03/2019 06:19

TheInvestigator read out or print whats poster said and give it to her.

kbPOW · 31/03/2019 06:50

Plenty of nonsense posts on this thread.

I can't imagine how hurtful it is to have your mother poncing off you like that and yet not even helping you out at the most basic level. It seems like she gave him £70k as a gift as a statement of how much more she cares for him. I would suggest that you have counselling to work this through emotionally and explore your options for getting out. It's very hard to have any perspective when she's in your home and in your space.

You might consider, in the short term, stopping helping her out when it's not a reciprocal arrangement. Let her do her own shopping etc. Actually treat her like the lodger she's behaving like. Tell her to butt out of parenting and to wash her own dirty pots and fetch her own shopping.

She sounds really cold and self-absorbed. You sound so hurt.

ittakes2 · 31/03/2019 06:52

I don't think from what you said she acts like a guest. But at the same time I can see why you would be upset that you made a kind offer to her because you were worried about her and she gave your brother the money. Its also tricky for you as it would be hard for you to put this behind you seeing her every day. I agree its not fair but it doesn't sound like she is going to change her mind and I presume to raise the £80k you would need to move and its unlikely you want to do that. Maybe some family counselling might help you process things?

kbPOW · 31/03/2019 06:56

She cooks for herself only in the family kitchen (although she has her own kitchenette) and doesn't wash up or clean up after herself ffs.

Cecedrake8989 · 31/03/2019 07:01

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Sorry! IF she hasn't paid to build an extension which has inevitably added value to your house, and IF you'd just given her a room in your house, I'd say YANBU if she isn't helping. But considering she paid for the extension, spends most of her time in her own space which she paid for, cleans her own space, AND helps by making your kids breakfast, it sounds like she's doing her share. What more would you expect of her - you've said you don't want her cleaning your areas? I don't know what she's NOT doing that you think she should be? Again, if she'd not paid for her own extension I'd say maybe it would be nice to help out a bit with childcare, but she did, and so she doesn't really owe you childcare, especially as she already helps with breakfast. So what do you want from her?!

CarpetGate · 31/03/2019 07:04

The attitudes on here are so ungenerous. One PP called OP's mother "a burden". She raised you! I would be ashamed to think of and treat my mother like that. She is not an investment opportunity. Be under no illusion that she can feel the hurtful, ungrateful attitude.

Many of the PP's here - I don't know if you understand what family is. When I am old, I hope to still have a great relationship with my kids, and that they won't see me as a burden in any circumstances - I raised them!

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 31/03/2019 07:46

She may have paid for the accomodation to be built, but op paid for and is still paying for the land.
I suggest you consider ground rent.
Where we live the cost of land to build just about anything is massively prohibitive and often three to four times that of the build cost.
Check your house " building" insurance and see what fraction of the property value she has actually paid for in the bricks and mortar.

Also, will she be paying for maintenance of section of property ?

Almahart · 31/03/2019 07:58

This is clearly unfair for all the reasons pp have said but what would really worry me is what will happen on the future.

I can’t see any way that you will not end up being your mother’s full time carer as she gets older and given that she is only doing the very bare minimum to help you now I think this is a recipe for absolute disaster - how will you not feel resentful?

Do you think that is her plan? Can you discuss it with her?

In the short term I think it would help if she got a job or at least did some volunteering and if she has the heating on full whack all year round then yes she should pay for that.

I feel for you OP. I had a difficult relationship with both my parents and found it very hard to cope with their expectations of me in their later years.

starshollow1 · 31/03/2019 08:20

Unless I'm missing something, couldn't your 'd'm move into the flat your dB bought with her money?

Surely she wouldn't expect you to pay her back as the roles are just being reversed between you and db? He then becomes the one subsidising her with just £150 pm.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 31/03/2019 08:22

Split the bills evenly. If her flat is self-contained, does she need to come into your house? Think about giving her a heating system independent of yours.
Forget about what she did or does with your brother. Likewise childcare issues. Some parents aren’t fair. Think about what you will do before she’s disabled and dependent, because trust me, it’s a lot harder.

CarpetGate · 31/03/2019 08:23

Jesus, PP's - SHE'S THE OP'S MOTHER! She's not there for the OP to make a buck off. You people are horrible.

TreadingThePrimrosePath · 31/03/2019 08:27

CarpetGate, I have adult children living at home and dependent, disabled parents down the road. It works well because no one takes the piss, nd everyone does or did their fair share as much as possible.

CarpetGate · 31/03/2019 08:32

It really doesn't sound like OP's mum is taking the piss. She's living her own life.

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 31/03/2019 08:34

We live with my mum.
We sold two houses and brought this one. Mum and dad put in more equity but we split the house equally.

She contributes £300 a month to food and bills plus her £200 winter fuel)which we need as our heating bill is huge because she is home all day and needs heat.

She cleans her rooms and the kitchen but not 'our' rooms and does the garden. We only occasionally ask her to help with the kids- no more than we would if we weren't living together.

Her money is her money.

When we do maintenance on the house she contributes I.e new kitchen and windows.

She will be leaving all her money to my siblings as we get the house.

Her money is her money.

You need to separate the issues.

She lives like a guest.
Ask her to help with things, talk to her about bills, your gas and electric will have gone up as will other bills having someone home all day, if she is over a certain age you will get the tv licence free etc.
She gave your brother money. This is annoying but her thinking probably went along the lines of. This is my pot of money the kids will inherit, I'm giving one child £80k value on their house so it is only fair the other gets and equal amount.

starsparkle08 · 31/03/2019 08:47

Why did you agree to have your mum with you to start with ...... think perhaps £ signs In your eyes , thinking that the money for extension will add value to your house?
Your biggest mistake was saying yes to your mum , and I feel sorry for her I bet she wished she had spent her money on living elsewhere as she is now pretty much trapped with you isn’t she?

If she has enough money to get out , I hope she does for her own sake

Original poster
lookybooky · 31/03/2019 08:49

Yes I think the caring for her in future is part of the "deal". But because I work full time, I'm not really sure how i would manage if her health deteriorates. It's a situation we just didn't discuss at the time. I really really do think she should get a job too, just to give her something to concentrate on (beyond rabid foxes!) but she absolutely will not. I do feel trapped and now DH is starting to question the arrangement too as he feels like she holds the money over us like a stick but DB doesn't have to put up with that. The posters that question my gratitude are right in a way - I'm just not that grateful to her for my childhood. Too much to go into but its sadly the case.

OP posts:
TreadingThePrimrosePath · 31/03/2019 08:49

No problem with living her own life, but she should be paying her share of the bills, and have a plan for what happens when she’s not independent and living her life. She shoukdn’t be using the OPs kitchen either.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 31/03/2019 08:55

I think you should put the house on the market, give your mum back the £80K and buy something smaller for your own family. It does seem unfair that your dB gets to keep his, but I think you will be happier just letting go of that and disentangling yourself.

Original poster
lookybooky · 31/03/2019 08:56

Starsparkle are you serious?! I was grieving for my dad and offered my mum somewhere to live. she would have had to share a room with one of my kids so offered money to extend the house - I didn't ask for that money! And as for ££ signs in my eyes ... she uses those rooms and will do for probably many years! Where is the £££ benefit? I can't rent them out, can I? Tell me who benefits from this financially right now - her or us? The moral stuff aside, she has an amazing flat, security, food, for .... £80k. She could never have had that outside of our home.

OP posts:
trendingorange · 31/03/2019 08:58

I think you got totally screwed over op I would think about re-mortgaging to give your do her money back.
You could get an au-pair to live in the extension instead who could do school pick up etc.
Or rent it out to a lodger to pay back the extra mortgage.
I think your Dm has been horrible to expect a return on her £80k she gave you, with no ties on your db's £70k.
I would want her out of my family home.
She doesn't seem to want to get involved in family life (that's fine) so is just using you, £80k and £150pm for a secure home for life is very very cheap!

Littletabbyocelot · 31/03/2019 09:01

I think the problem is an arrangement like this has to be based on mutual love, caring and respect. A 'normal' parent/child relationship. You haven't had that and her behaviour - reluctance to help you out in emergencies, clearly favouring your brother by giving him a free gift while holding the use of her money (for her benefit) over you just reinforces that.

If she's going to keep threatening to leave then you can't let her hold that over you for 30 years. If the 80,000 is hers to withdraw at any time - with zero contribution for the years she's lived rent free - I'd try and pay her back now. Either by giving her the money and charging rent or by her moving out.

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