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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

456 replies

lookybooky · 30/03/2019 21:35

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

OP posts:
anxiousbean · 02/04/2019 16:13

I think your mother is far too young to stay with you if it is not working now. It could easily be for 25 or 30 years. I really think you need to escape from this now while your mother is fit and well - you have been really kind looking after her while she has been coping with losing your Dad - but it will be much harder to change later if she becomes frail/gets used to not working/taking responsibility for herself.

I would sit down and say sorry it is not working. We need to make alternative arrangements. Invite your brother around as well to discuss new living arrangements. Obviously you will give back the "10K additional money" and she won't have to pay any rent for this time as you were aware you were all grieving and she is your mum so you wanted to look after her during this difficult time. Then you can plan a way forward. I would stick with the line that you can't very easily give your "gift" back as you would have to sell your family home. Ask how easy is it for your brother to realise the cash from his "gift" ? If she has deprived herself of all her assets, I think you will need to sell your house and give back some of her gift - but make it clear that there is a responsibility on your brother to do this too - and you will need to detect moving costs from your contribution.

Neither your mum or your brother may like this idea but they don't have to. And they need to confront the reality of her situation/long term needs now. It's easy to say but try not to feel guilty. It will never be fair and if you have a favouritism thing going on, you will never be appreciated for what you have done so far - but it is just the way it is - and you don't need their approval.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2019 17:13

Lyingwitch

Your apology post was very healing. I must admit that I was surprised when I read your earlier one, because it seemed out of character for you (from other posts of yours that I've noticed on other threads). I'm glad that you felt you could retract your harsher comments.

I think OP has had a hard time of it, and she will be worried about the effect this will have on her marriage and her children as well. There are a lot of people being unhappily affected by her mother's selfishness. The children may not be aware of the friction yet, but they will be soon.

Original poster
lookybooky · 02/04/2019 17:34

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe thank you so much for your new post. I really appreciate you going back over the facts. Even if that didn't change your mind, the trouble you've taken is just a really lovely thing to do. And your observations are great. I can see how Mother's day is difficult for you as you're shouldering the burden of your brothers' indifference and seeing your mum's disappointment must be hard.
Yeah, I think my mum didn't realise at first that there was a practical difference in the gifts and perhaps I've added extra resentment (and paranoia?) to it because she tried to hide DB's gift. She says it was nothing I needed to know about but I feel hiding it has made things worse - almost as if they're both laughing at me behind my back. It's why I'm questioning my reaction (or overreaction) to the whole circumstance.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2019 17:37

Thank you for your post, SchadenfreudePersonified. I go off on a tangent sometimes, entirely forgetting that the poster I'm posting directly to is mentally in a different place than I am. If I were in the same despair that OP clearly is, I wouldn't have liked my post either and I am deeply sorry for it.

I don't apologise very easily because I rarely think I'm wrong , but it was very much warranted so I did.

GabriellaMontez · 02/04/2019 17:43

I think 150 a month is ridiculously low.

Break down the cost of council tax, broadband, energy. Let her know they'll be an increase. Was she expecting it to remain at that rate indefinitely? It's nothing...

If she sees the annexe as belonging to her she should be paying any upkeep too.

Does she use the garden? A share of the gardeners cost too.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2019 17:45

LookyBooky, thanks for your gracious post, I wasn't expecting that, mine crossed with yours.

Your comment about your mum hiding your DB's gift resonated with me because my mum lies to me (and herself) about the way she's treated by my brothers and 'dresses it up' in her head that all's well. But she can't truly lie to herself and that's where her depression spirals. It's very wearing.

I wonder if you, being the daughter (and therefore expected to be dutiful) has made your mum feel a sense of entitlement that is completely unjustified? I mean by that that she expects you to want her to live with you, expects unrealistic, unfair (compared with your brother) and entirely disproportionate levels of gratitude for her 'gift' to you? She may have meant it with good intentions but ultimately it was selfish as it came with a host of strings - painful ones at that.

I also wondered if you were the 'constant' in your mum's life? Being the one to do things for her, take her here and there - and carry the emotional burdens of trying to keep her mentally afloat? Your brother does none of that by the sounds of it.

I keep going back to read your comments and I spot different things each time. Your thread has taught me some things that I need to pay heed of, as uncomfortable as that is to realise.

Thank you again for your post, it was kinder than I deserve.

IrmaFayLear · 02/04/2019 18:34

Bereavement sometimes makes people behave in odd - and rash - manner.

My dm put our lovely family home up for sale shortly after the death of df. She said she couldn't bear to stay there. She sold to the first CF to put in a very CF offer. Then she was homeless! I was in my 20s in a flat share. Dsis refused to take her in. For a while dm drifted around relatives with a suitcase and all her possessions in storage. It was an awful time as she blamed everyone (mostly me) for not talking her out of it. But if I had then I'm sure I would have been blamed for her being stuck in an overly-large unmanageable house...

Well, the moral of that tale is that I think OP 's dm has acted too hastily. 62 is far too young to be in a granny annexe. And it's not even her home, really, as she is beholden to OP regarding utilities etc.

I think a frank chat is essential to find out what expectations are on both sides, and whether it might be wise to sell up and separate the households. (Not that I would have dared do this with dm!)

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 02/04/2019 18:47

Without hijacking the thread I just want to say that not all baby boomers are selfish gits. It isn't our fault that house prices rose so rapidly, you can blame that on Thatcher's policy of 'right to buy' among other things. You only have to look at Gransnet (or walk down a High Street) to see the thousands of grandparents looking after their GC and many have helped their AC out with house deposits etc, hence the term 'bank of mum and dad' I was only too glad and thankful to be able to do that.

LifeImplosionImminent · 02/04/2019 19:46

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe What a lovely post, a humble retraction full of self reflection and understanding...I am probably hormonal but it made my eyes leak. I am going to try and remember it in real and online life.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2019 20:02

LyingWitch

Flowers

I think that we are all learning a lot from each other on this thread. Relationships are so complex, and often so painful. We can't help ourselves from going back in our minds and emotions to our personal experiences.

We are only human.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/04/2019 20:03

Lifeimplosion

LyingWitch's post IS lovely - very gracious and reflective.

OffToBedhampton · 02/04/2019 22:02

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Kudos Flowers

I've worried all along that some PPs weren't getting OP's situ and kind efforts, and that it wasn't helpful. Or the legal situ, with so many Cray posts of "just sell your house that you live in with young DC and have maxed out mortgage on and "give back" a gift you didn't want and haven't benefitted from that now threatens your family security and home , and has cost you money and isn't redeemable like 'we' all think ... But you'd still ought be happy to accomodate Mother.. yada yada and not call her out in her unreasonable behaviour which is making it untenable..." .

That wasn't your words or entire stance, but it was - taken together- just all a bit much taken from a few ,(& continuing new!!) "not RTFT" posters.

I think it is really fab you listened and reflected and shared your experience in terms of giving a clearer context to your view point. And did so with humanity & a magnimity It has been good to disagree, even if it now seems only initially, and to find a way forward that respects each others perspectives. It's always lovely to see kindness on a thread and I think you've shown that XXX

OffToBedhampton · 02/04/2019 22:30

@lookybooky
You could stop questioning yourself, or trying to see "other" imaginary sidewhich ignores facts, or DH's and your reservations. Worth trusting that those who understand legal context that you laid out and the full situation, are not questionning your intentions and are supportive that you actually hold all the cards here, legally and morally. And said why your out can be.

The rest seems to be hot air. Ignore those who don't RTFT and comment reactively.

OffToBedhampton · 02/04/2019 22:31

(there are increasingly supportive posts , which is what you need to hear X)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2019 22:33

Gosh. I feel incredibly humbled at the kindness. Actually made me have a little cry. I don't want to derail LookyBooky's thread any more than I already seem to have but thank you, it means a lot.

OffToBedhampton · 02/04/2019 22:34

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. 😁😁FlowersFlowers

2018SoFarSoGreat · 02/04/2019 23:00

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe you are here! I was surprised by your posts, as I consider you a kind and considerate poster - and you are. Beautiful job today. You made me reflect on my posts, and I will try to be more like you.

Ellyess - bless you. Your kindness made me cry.

OP You have so much support here, and understanding of the horrible situation you are in. Sadly, no good deed goes unpunished is at play here. I'm really sorry for you, and would be much less nice and patient than you have been.

Monty27 · 03/04/2019 05:45

You need to sell the house and give her the share of equity she invested in, with the help of a lawyer.
Otherwise the resentment will grow and your kids are stuck in the middle of it

fieldfaresareback · 03/04/2019 08:00

I haven’t had time to read the entire thread but my thoughts on the matter are that technically OP hasn’t been given anything as at present the 80k worth of property is her mothers, albeit attached to the house.
Threats are just that- and should be countered with indifference. However, a possible approach could be to suggest if mother wishes to leave, she is welcome to do so but should take the extension with her and return the house to its original condition. Of course that won’t happen but it puts the ball in court and highlights the nature of the situation.

mummmy2017 · 03/04/2019 08:21

What about the money the brother got....
There was only £10k more given to the OP
I think she has a case the 70k was a gift, which she invested in her house.
Besides no paperwork to support it as a loan, if mum states loan, brother will need to repay as well.

malificent7 · 03/04/2019 08:29

I think yabu ...80,000 is a lot of money. Added value to the house too.

IrmaFayLear · 03/04/2019 09:20

I think the OP needs to be clear on the legal position, in case relations do go downhill.

When I was young the large house next door was sold to a family and the granddad, pooling resources. The granddad joined a local group and a year later had met a lady friend and wanted to move out and release his share. The family had to sell up and move away as they couldn't afford a house in the area.

Obviously this is slightly different to the OP's case, who owns the house but with a bit built on, but presumably the dm is not viewing her £80K as an outright gift, and would not be able to move out without releasing her capital sum.

LowLifeOpinions · 03/04/2019 09:44

Wow, what if Op's mum meets someone? Gosh, complicated.

Mix56 · 03/04/2019 10:24

It may add value to the house, but its no benefit to OP, as she can't sell it until M dies, could be 30 years.
If she could put an OP in it she wold save on child care however... that would be a gift.

Mix56 · 03/04/2019 10:24

AP sorry