My mum lives with me but acts like a guest

[lookybooky]

My father passed away 4 years ago and my mum (early 60's) was so distraught that I invited her to move in with my family. We didn't have a spare room so she gave us £80k to build an extension (she has the 2 rooms that we built). At the time she said it was all she could spare but that was fine as it was enough for the 2 storey extension which includes a bathroom and kitchenette. She also pays £150 p/m towards bills. She doesn't babysit or do any housework or gardening but she was a bit miserable for the first year so I didn't expect any help. But we're in year 4 now and all she does is watch TV and go shopping or meet friends. Again, I could probably deal with that but I've just found out that she gave my brother almost exactly the same amount of money (only £10k less) at the same time as she gave me. AIBU that she's living like a guest in my home while he gets to do whatever he wants with the money (he's invested it into property I believe)? I've pointed out that I feel it's unfair but she said it's her own business and if I'm unhappy, I should return the £80k and she'll get a retirement flat. She won't move in with my bro as she hates his wife!

She's 62! Later years.

almost broke their marriage, drove my friend to a nervous breakdown and they would both stay at work as long as possible rather than go home and have to cope with him

it just sounds horrific and there are so many stories like this, presumably the parent seemed perfectly tolerable before moving in, or they'd not offer, my mind boggles at the steep deterioration in the attitudes of the parent

this is presumably well before any cognitive impairment was apparent, if indeed there ever transpired to be any

Your Dear Dad left that to you. Believe me, when he died, for which I am so sorry, he left plenty for your mother, in money and assets.

I think Ellyess is right here - I think it's very unlikely that OP's Mother would have parted with ALL of her cash to opand her brother. I suspect that she still has a nice little nest egg that she's sitting on - which is of course, her right - but NOT at the expense of OP and her family.

Hearhere Living with someone is very different from visiting and needs a lot of talking and sorting out of boundaries before doing it. Two perfectly nice people can find each other intolerable house sharers.

I think OPs mum is an entitled knob. Not sure what you can so about it though so sympathies.

Both my parents and in laws never babysit and didn't even trouble themselves to come over and babysit a sleeping DS1 for a few hours when i was in labour with no.2. "Couldnt you ask a neighbour?" So i moved away. Fking baby boomers. when they visit they treat my place as a hotel and criticize us if the kids don't behave "oh your sister's x and y to bed they just crawl in bed at 7pm even on holiday"

What good is it getting together with her brother? Hes a leg up on money and doesnt have a PITA in his house so wouldn't give a toss.

She sounds like a narcissistic prat to me - reminds me of my mother-in-law who has been similarly preferential to my wife's brother. I suppose it's all down to whether you can handle her or whether she's getting you down. But at least you have a get-out clause! Might want to take her up on it unless she opens up and admits she's depressed and needs help. She really doesn't sound it, though. Just self-contained and selfish.

Hope I'm not being upsettingly mean but I thought you might value an honest opinion.

I think it's in your best interests to admit it's not working, regardless of the reason and then sit down with your family and work out how to move forward. Leave this discussion with Mum until last so you have your ducks in a row and understand your options and financial position.

What retirement village options do you have? What is the cost to go into one of those?

Then I would line up a meeting with your Brother and his Wife and very clearly state to them the situation is untenable at home and these are the options as you see them while welcoming any other ideas.

If it means both of you have to pay $$'s back for Mum to afford retirement living, then so be it.

IMO, I think your DH has probably been very frustrated and has kept quiet...it must be very bad for him to say something to you.

You need to think of your immediate family’s needs, as like others have said she is actually costing YOU money and moans and whinges.

Tell her she’ll need to pay X amount per month, she is not to use the kitchern and that your living spaces are separate. If she isn’t happy (which I suspect will be the case), tell her she needs to leave and that you will return X money after deducting rent and other expenses.

I have a toxic mother, so l understand that standing up to her fills you with fear. But, this situation is not tenable. She’s taking the piss and needs to understand that at sixty she needs to grow the fuck up.

I can’t believe you begrudge taking your mum for hospital appointments, which unless she’s very unwell could only be a few times a year, but are happy to accept her support every morning when she does the children’s breakfast. And then say she doesn’t help with childcare.
I also think £150 month sounds fair, unless that includes food.
However, you don’t like her, and regret offering to have her live with you when you were both grieving. And she’s not the mum you want her to be.
If you can’t sort this out you really have no option than to sell up, and move. I’m guessing that would make her unintentionally homeless, so she may be able to access local authority housing and/or force her to find a place of her own.

Most of us will be expected to work until we are 68+ An extended retirement of doing bugger all is completely out of reach!

She lives in your house and won't help with HER grandchildren? That is awful and very selfish. I would do anything for my grandchildren especially if I lived with them. I would tell you to save money on after school clubs etc and look after them myself. It would be a pleasure. There is plenty of time during the day for her to go to clubs and meet friends for lunch. I agree with making her apartment separate and her cooking in her own kitchen. She also shouldn't be able just to enter your part of house when you're not in, i.e crank up heating etc... Your children are family and if she can't take part in that then she should separate herself. If she wants to live alone she should get another place to live. Tell her she'll get her money returned whenever you decide to sell the house. I truly think she should be grateful to have a loving family around her. Many many grandmothers are lonely, don't get seeing there grandchildren because of distance and disputes. This woman doesn't know how luckyy she is. I would tell her and also ask for more money each month,she is being ridiculous.

You really have to realise that she could be with you for another 25 to 30 years, so you have to get the finances sorted out. I would view the £80K as a gift, just like she gifted your DB £70K, so it is no longer her money, assuming there is no 'agreement'. You have to be more assertive in the back seat parenting area for your own sake, 'please mum, stop giving me parenting advice unless I ask for it. I would hate to fall out with you over this.'
FYI on the odd occasion one of DH's siblings have asked PiLs for money, they have given what has been asked for, the given other siblings the same amount.

I'm sure OP doesn't mind at all taking M to Doctors appointment, but does notice it's a one way street.
She is in her early 60s, she could & may very live another 25 years, or longer, at which point OP's own DC will have left home...but Op will be stuck looking after an elderly woman, no holidays etc.
Another idea, could be to tell DB, that it's not working, There needs to be the possibility that DM goes & lives with him on a rota basis (he will NOT like this) or she can live in his flat for 4 years, or both of you need to find an alternative. "we cannot return the gift as we will lose our home"

How much money does she really have in her bank account ?

Totally agree with annemac My DD is a SAHM with 3 young children and I often go to pick up the older 2 from school because I want to! I also give her a hand with housework etc. This is because I love my DD and my GC. I can totally understand how you feel OP, it's very hurtful that she doesn't want to be involved with your family.

My advice is to sort this out ASAP and especially before she becomes infirm (hopefully a long way off as she's the same age as me 😁) Otherwise you'll be guilt tripped into looking after her which is something she refuses to do with her grandchildren.

I’m not sure why people are focusing so much on the breakfast making and heating cranked up all the time. Surely throwing some cereal into a bowl with milk and flicking the toaster on isn’t that arduous?! I find it hard to believe she is making French toast, kedgeree, omelettes etc every day! The heating cranked up is expensive (especially as a lot of people’s bills have gone up this week) and not great for the environment. Can’t she put a jumper on and / or move around more. I even say that to my partner and he pays half the bill!

She is in her early 60s, she could & may very live another 25 years, or longer, at which point OP's own DC will have left home...but Op will be stuck looking after an elderly woman, no holidays etc.

That's right Mix - and OP will be elderly herself by then. No early, cushy retirement for her! Just umpteen years pandering to the bad-tempered whims of a spiteful old woman, who still won't be grateful for anything done for her.

In the end the extension will add value to your home when you come to sell it and only you will benefit from that so I wouldn’t get upset that your brother got money too. He got less after all. I don’t think you can put a monetary figure when you look after her when she looked after you as a child and she is paying her way. Just say mum I so need your help, can you help me with picking up/ looking after the kids/ cooking/ shopping / dishes. Ask her what she feels able or comfortable doing. Try to give her a weeks notice when you ask so she can plan her social life around it. It’s a bonus for your kids having time with grandparents, use that as an excuse to get her more involved in your family activities more to get her out. Tell her the kids love spending time with her. Grandparents don’t stay for ever.

Have you read any of the OP's posts, moon2?

Right, I've rtft now. I'm saddened by some of the mean comments, but I'm pretty sure they are written by people who do not and probably will not have parents living with them and frankly doesn't know what they're talking about.

Your DM wasn't giving you a gift, she was buying security for her old age when she invested in your home. There was much more in it for her than for you.

All those people wittering on about the enhanced value of your home - what use is that when you can't sell it because you have to provide a home for your DM? You will be a long time seeing that profit, meanwhile your DB has launched his property portfolio with a buy to let that he could flip ten times over if he wanted.

Your DB needs to stop thinking of his gift as without strings. Just as you built an extension, he should have used his to buy something that might also meet her needs, so that you could share responsibility for her care.

This is my suggestion. If she really won't do a third floor flat (although she's sixty odd, not ninety) DB needs to sell his BTL flat buy a suitable property for your DM to live in. She shouldn't have to pay rent but she should have to meet the running costs, that's reasonable. At the point when she can't cope on her own, she comes back to you.

You, I'm afraid, will still get all the heavy lifting. And that's what you should be reminding DB and DM when they protest.

LookyBooky, On reflection, I am sorry for saying that you sound horrible. That though wasn't based on you as a person but as just the snapshot of you on the thread. I'm sure you're not. Neither am I a troll, I probably just sound like one. My comments about your finances were bang out of order, sorry, you didn't need that.

I've read your updates again. I'm not reading the other posters because they're picking up different things. From my revised point of view, I think you wouldn't have chosen this situation if you'd known how it was going to pan out for you and your family and I understand how you might feel about that. I would feel 'painted into a corner' if I put myself in your situation.

I'm sure your mum didn't intend for this to be a bone of contention between you, she probably thought she was being fair by giving you and your brother equal share - but I agree, it really isn't because yours comes with strings and his doesn't. All things being equal, he should be doing a lot more for your mum and taking some of the pressure off you. He's really not, is he? I know how this feels actually because Mother's Day every year for me is fraught with tension... my three brothers do nothing or next to it, my mum is disappointed every year about it and deeply sad for ages. The fact that I overdo it to the point of making up the deficit doesn't cut it. Mothers and their sons... it can be a difficult set-up and very hard on any daughters.

I can see then how you were just listing 'hospital visits' as an example and instead of reading that in your filter, I read it in mine. I'm sorry about that. You obviously do quite a lot for your mum and it's grinding you down because a) it's expected and b) it's relentless.

I don't know how you can extricate yourself out of this without causing an almighty fuss and lots of bad feeling. I really don't envy you your situation. It would be a very difficult conversation for you and if your husband can broker a bit of peaceful mediation then that might take a bit of the load off you. Mine can't help but try to 'fix things' so is wholly unhelpful. Yours may be more adroit and sensitive to the position you're in, I hope so.

Anyway, LookyBooky, I've said enough and I'm going to shut up. I'll just read the updates quietly to myself. I do hope this, in whatever format it will be, works out for you. And I'm sorry for needling you, completely unnecessary and horrible of me.

Your mother's gift to you was a ball and chain
Her gift to her son was a ticket for freedom and opportunity

I know you believe you can't face moving but really if you can't resolve things then it will truly be worth it

Not sure what's so hard to understand about OP being upset. Her money came with conditions whereas her brother got to spend his money with no conditions . Not sure what you can do OP other than if you can afford it remortgage and give her back her money. Sadly however granny annexes are desired by a small number of people therefore it doesn't had huge value to your house

Ellyess your post made me cry, I agree with everything that you've said. And OP I feel so sorry for you, you have done a very kind thing by taking your mum in and she is being a horrible person to you in return. Of course she should help with the kids! If she lives as part of a family then surely she should help out. If we were talking about a teenager or an adult child living in the house everyone would be outraged if they didn't pull their weight and help around the house and with their siblings so why is it okay for a 60 years old (this is not old) to live in a family home and not help out? No doubt she will expect the OP to care for her when she is old and infirm?!
You have to put your husband and kids and your own mental health first - your husband must be an amazing person to have agreed to this in the first place - don't let it destroy your marriage.
Decide how you want things to be and then let her know, if she doesn't like it she can leave.
Much love to you and be kind to yourself. 💐

One thing I would definitely not be doing is giving her the money back in any way, shape or form. Say you did give your 80k back; your brother gets his 70k free & easy. Then when your DM passes away, "your" 80k goes back into the estate "pot" and it will be split 50/50 between you and your brother. SO you get all this drama and grief, while he sits back to the tune of £130k? Nope. If your mum wants to leave, tell her to leave. But that money was a gift and she should appreciate how lucky she is to have a cooshty little number like she does living with your family to the tune of £150 per month. Living the dream indeed!