To be absolutely fuming at midwife re.breach of confidentiality?!?

[cheesepleez]

We haven’t told anyone we are pregnant. Made a massive effort to keep it hidden until the 20 week scan which hasn’t happened yet. Found out our neighbour who we don’t get on with and who is also pregnant apparently knows we are expecting. As we haven’t told anyone, and I’m not even showing, I can only assume the community midwife has mentioned to this lady “your neighbour is pregnant too”.
To me this is a massive breach of confidentiality and we haven’t even told friends and family yet. It’s my flipping medical info. Am I BU?? Or should I be able to expect my midwife not to discuss other patients??

Also , there’s no we in pregnancy . You are pregnant , not your dh

Unless you are extremely overweight /obese then there’s no way that you’re not really showing by now

That's really not true and I'm surprised you'd say that as a midwife. Op is only 19 weeks. I know a few women who weren't showing at that stage. I hardly was actually, strangers wouldn't have known I was pregnant at 19 weeks.

You’re being slightly ridiculous stating that nobody has seen you at the hospital or at the gp. How could you possibly know this, do you have an invisibility cloak?

If you live rurally is it difficult to find. I agree with a PP the neighbour may well have given her address and asked if she needed directions. Midwife says no its ok I have visited a house near there recently I know where it is (saying NO names and breaching no confidentiality) as a passing comment

Neighbour then starts to think and looks at you and even if not showing much probably enough for her to correctly surmise

Or someone you dont recognise but knows you as being your neighbours neighbour has said. People clearly have seen you at the hospital

One of my workmates was pregnant. I knew for weeks before she told us due to looking pale in mornings, putting her hand on her tummy and later showing tiny bump. Obviously l said nothing and pretended total surprise when she told me.

A few times l have said to dh ...you heard this hear first xxxxx is pregnant l just have a sense ..yes a few weeks later a big announcement.

Ok, OP- so your 100% convinced it can only be from the midwife breaching your confidentiality. So why not simply ask the neighbour how they found out and then you'll know for sure. Then you can make a claim with some foundation, if there is indeed a basis for a complaint.

Your neighbour could know the midwife (either personally, or from being a patient) and so recognised her if she has been to your home/you have been in to see the midwife. She could have seen you, unbeknownst to you, in the hospital when you went for one of your scans. Someone who knows you both could have seen you and told her. Someone else could have told her. She might have seen a few smaller things and maybe you look more pregnant than your realise- who knows? Until you ask your neighbour you certainly don't.

I don't see why a midwife would ever bother to tell someone oh your neighbour is pregnant too, surely lots of neighbours are or have been pregnant. It's not a novelty or a big deal for a midwife so I don't see why they would say anything!

My pregnant friend found out I was pregnant while at the midwife’s. Midwife had her list of appointments up on the screen which was visible to my friend. Probably a hideous breach of privacy, but I didn’t mind. Have also bumped into people I know in the doctors surgery waiting room many times while sitting there clutching my maternity notes.

OP I can understand your frustrations but I think it’s harsh to immediately think it’s your midwife.

Not like a tiny little gp for the small village as that closed years ago. So no, receptionist definitely wouldn’t know who I am besides the fact I’m a patient.

If the GP receptionist is related/close to your neighbour and you actively don’t get on with the neighbour, the GP receptionist could have mentioned to your neighbour “X who lives on your road is pregnant”

There are so many random moments like this which could have happened, anybody could have seen you at appointments unfortunately no matter how careful you were. I think something like this is the more likely explanation - which I agree is shit as your news.

Also I didn’t show at all until 22 weeks pregnant so agree with you there OP (FTM). I had abit of bloat which is easily hidden with floaty dresses at work etc.

Congrats on your pregnancy though & I hope everything goes well for the 20 week scan

I remember my midwife telling me there was another mum due at a similar time to me down our road. She didn't point her out but she was saying this because she thought we might want to do "baby things" and offer each other support when the baby was born. I didn't take her up on it or seem that interested, but I can imagine if you're in a lane with just a couple of houses if a midwife said similar the neighbour could make a good guess of who she was talking about. Either way I can't see it's that much of a big deal unless you think this neighbour is going to contact your family and spoil the delivery of your news ?

You don't use your car for travelling for your scans, then?

I knew my ex's new wife was pregnant before his mother did, because I recognised his car parked in the spaces nearest the entrance for the EPU and, later, I knew things must have gone well, because his car was parked near ultrasound when I was on the bus going past.

I don’t think your first conclusion should be that the midwife told her. More likely someone that knows of you saw you at your midwife visit and mentioned it to her

go on then, complain to the midwife and tell us what happens? if there is no way in hell that your not-quite-ndn could have seen you

ffs

When I was pregnant with my first, we lived in a very small town (everybody knows everybody). On my first booking in appointment, I sat down and watched the midwife flicking though loads of folders on her desk, with all the pregnant ladies names in capitals on the front..I seen lots of ladies names from our town, before she got to mine.

With my second pregnancy, the community midwife came to visit.
I said 'Gosh I was expecting a phone call saying you were lost! Nobody can find our house!'
She said 'Oh no found your house fine. I was on this little estate a few weeks ago' well it was then extremely obvious who the other pregnant lady was, as in the other three houses, the couples are all in there late sixties!

I'm guessing you are going to start telling people very soon anyway, just deny it until your ready to say!

I think you should probably contact your local PALs service and explain that somehow your confidentiality has been breached but you don't know how. Give them all the facts and let them investigate. The important thing is your relationship of trust with your midwife and if your suspicions mean that the trust is broken you may need to see someone else anyway. I hope your 20 week scan is reassuring OP.

Here’s a thought: perhaps the neighbour doesn’t actually know you are pregnant, but wanted to do some shitstirring (from what you’ve said, she sounds the type) so she told your friend you were pregnant. Maybe she meant for it to come back to you as a kind of “you look fat, you must be pregnant” insult, but as it happens, you are pregnant so her shitstirring didn’t have the desired effect.

Or, as PPs have suggested, maybe your friend suspected you were pregnant, for whatever reason, and made up some story about your neighbour having told her so you’d have to admit it.

You seem determined that it must be the midwife, but I really, really hope you won’t go tarnishing the woman’s professional reputation when all you have is conjecture with no real proof.

I remember seeing another neighbours address on the Midwife’s laptop when she was checking me in for an appointment once, just recognised 2 addresses on the same street (I didn’t no my neighbours tho so wasn’t a big deal for anyone), there are other possibilities. Having been through very difficult pregnancies I can understand why your upset, there’s a lot going on with your body so it’s normal to want to feel in control of who nos about it. I don’t think you have grounds for a complaint though, and even if you did, it’s not going to change anything about your own pregnancy so why bother? Other people knowing or buying baby things etc makes no difference, so try not to stress about it too much. I hope everything goes smoothly with your next scan OP

Ahem, you’ve just told all of Mumsnet... anywho, ask how she knows before blaming the MW?

And congratulations btw & of course :)

I didnt even show i was pregnant until almost 8 months, so its not true op could be showing at 20 weeks

I think YABU for blaming the midwife and for being so short sighted when it comes to every other option.

Loads of possibilities here including neighbour driving past as midwife pulls into your drive, neighbour seeing you at the hospital, GP, baby aisle of asda, that you are showing signs of being pregnant without realising etc etc

What YouLikeTheBadOnesToo said:
I can only assume midwife

This is not enough reason to question a person’s professional integrity

You need to speak to your mad neighbour (you really do before you go hurling accusations and damaging someone’s career who may well be innocent) or your friend, or if you won’t do that, there’s nothing to be done without solid evidence.
Instead of working yourself up, grit your teeth and speak to neighbour and friends to find out.

I’m not obese ( size 12) and I wasn’t showing by 20 weeks. I actually had awful morning sickness and lost some weight at the very beginning. I brought some documents to another office on the way home and said: How are you coping with this staircase? It was third floor without lift. A receptionist told to a colleague in my office next day that I’s pregnant. Apparently I was too pale!!! And I know now that it’s true. I saw a friend of mine at 4 months ( I calculated later) coming out of the park with her DC, and I knew straight away that she’s pregnant - she was too pale. She never told me that they wanted to have another child.

Also, if you’ve the same postcodes, chances are she asked neighbour for hers to pull up her details and got your name by mistake. Then, yes,
MW May have sort of “told” neighbour but entirely inadvertently. I’d just ask the neighbour rather than fume in uncertainty.

Contact PALS and say what? I’m 20 weeks pregnant and my neighbour seems to have noticed, someone must have spilled the beans?!

You have no idea if anyone has seen you having a scan etc. How crazy.