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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming at midwife re.breach of confidentiality?!?

418 replies

cheesepleez · 30/03/2019 20:06

We haven’t told anyone we are pregnant. Made a massive effort to keep it hidden until the 20 week scan which hasn’t happened yet. Found out our neighbour who we don’t get on with and who is also pregnant apparently knows we are expecting. As we haven’t told anyone, and I’m not even showing, I can only assume the community midwife has mentioned to this lady “your neighbour is pregnant too”.
To me this is a massive breach of confidentiality and we haven’t even told friends and family yet. It’s my flipping medical info. Am I BU?? Or should I be able to expect my midwife not to discuss other patients??

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 30/03/2019 23:12

If making a complaint against the midwife she will indeed have to provide some sort of evidence for her belief, Sagrada.

Nobody is going to investigate a medical professional because someone says she “must have” done something she shouldn’t.

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 23:13

001 presumably she'd ask how the neighbour found out first like any normal person would, before deciding about reporting.

BloodsportForAll · 30/03/2019 23:15

An ex of mine had to have his Achilles ultrasound scanned when he had an accident. His surname was unusual and the sonographer asked him, wasn't his wife in there the other day? Err, his not quite ex wife that would have been. I wouldn't help thinking at the time, that his ex wouldn't have been pleased with their slip up. Yes it's an unusual name in a small area but you still have to exercise caution.

angelikacpickles · 30/03/2019 23:16

@Emilizz34

I’m a midwife . Unless you are extremely overweight /obese then there’s no way that you’re not really showing by now .

I'm really surprised as a midwife that you think this. I absolutely wasn't showing at 18 weeks on my first. In fact, I was quite concerned about it. I wasn't extremely overweight or obese (size 14, so not thin but not obese). My bump popped out a couple of weeks later and I looked very pregnant all of a sudden.

GoGoGadgetGin · 30/03/2019 23:16

Sagrada as far as Im aware even if the complaint is spurious and there is nothing founded it will still remain on record. Happy to be corrected!

angelikacpickles · 30/03/2019 23:18

To clarify, I'm not a midwife; I'm surprised that you, as a midwife, think that.

Lougle · 30/03/2019 23:18

Honestly. I was watching a series on TV a few months ago, which had been finished for a while, but we were watching on catch-up. In one episode I said to DH - "her face is different. I bet she's pregnant." A couple of episodes later, the character took a pregnancy test and was pregnant. I googled the actress, and found out that she had been pregnant, so a pregnancy was written into the script.

You can tell. You might not be showing, I didn't until at least 26 weeks, I was even sent for scans because I was so not showing. But a few people asked me if I was pregnant at about 5 weeks. I just looked different to them.

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 23:18

Can someone quote where the OP has said she is making a formal complaint please?
As far as I'm aware, there is no panel here and OP can post what she likes. The midwife hasn't been identified:/

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/03/2019 23:23

@sagradafamiliar I've not seen anyone say she's going to be making a formal complaint. I've seen a few people suggest it which is why it's been mentioned that it's not a good idea unless you've got proof.

GPatz · 30/03/2019 23:25

'Most people aren't 'showing' by 20 weeks, I'm surprised a midwife stated otherwise'.

I know that different people show at different times, but how do you know that 'most people' are not showing by 20 weeks? Everything I've ever read suggests bumps show between 12 to 16 weeks.

Original poster
Cheesepleez · 30/03/2019 23:25

Just an update for you all who are having a right old go at me -

  1. I phoned my friend. You don’t need to know why she is friends with the nightmare neighbour, it’s complicated. I asked if the neighbour said how she knows. Community midwife had done home booking appointment in the last month and mentioned to neighbour she had been in the house up the road only a couple months ago.
  2. My question was AIBU. Not, should I ruin her career. I actually really like my midwife but am pretty pissed off she has done this. She’s not long since qualified and I would much rather have a word with her about it than make a complaint, and would hope she would be mortified enough to not make the same mistake again with others given that next time (to give an extreme example) it could be an abuse survivor and her ex’s partner or ex finding out or something. But to reiterate, my question was AIBU. I’m not thick, I have tried telling you all we have been ridiculously careful not to buy or browse baby stuff (I even ordered my prenatal vits online Hmm) and I’m not showing, and am thankful to other posters for backing me up that you CAN be about 20 weeks along and not look pregnant. I’ve had no symptoms either, no sickness, my skin is the same as always, no one has noticed at all. There is nothing to notice!
OP posts:
AuntMarch · 30/03/2019 23:26

I get you being annoyed people have found out. I don't get how you are so sure that nobody could have seen you without you seeing them.

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 23:27

Most people I know in real life, GP. I thought that went without saying!

Stopyourhavering64 · 30/03/2019 23:28

Name change fail OP

Rickytickytembo · 30/03/2019 23:29

I think you've had a name change fail there OP.

If that's the case, why don't you just have a quiet word to the midwife next time you see her?

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Original poster
cheesepleez · 30/03/2019 23:31

I know, I changed it after this thread because now I’m starting to panick the neighbour will see if she’s on here.. but now have to think of a third name!

OP posts:
CatGoals · 30/03/2019 23:31

@Nambammam

@TokyoSushi is there a need to be pedantic? “We are pregnant” is a term commonly used when a couple are expecting a baby.

It absolutely isn’t!

Butttons · 30/03/2019 23:32

I think not-NDN has been going through your bins and found your pregnancy test OP

TildaTurnip · 30/03/2019 23:34

OP I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. It is not for anyone to share your news let alone a medical professional who should understand the need for confidentiality. She didn’t mention you by name but by the sounds of it, where you live will have made it obvious. I would mention it to the midwife as you suggested so that she is more aware of what she is saying.

Congratulations and hope it all goes smoothly.

Original poster
cheesepleez · 30/03/2019 23:34

Although have just realised that wasn’t even the username I changed to Confused that’s someone else’s username entirely! Hope it’s not another issue with Mumsnet server.

Anyway not commenting on it anymore because I’m just working myself up now I’m case neighbour does indeed see Sad and I’m sad that my suspicions were correct. Thanks to everyone who actually believed me and sympathised with me. And thanks to everyone who’s wished me well. F

OP posts:
TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 30/03/2019 23:35

You don’t need to know why she’s friends with the nightmare neighbour, it’s complicated
You don’t say...

Sparklingbrook · 30/03/2019 23:37

It really is complicated.

GPatz · 30/03/2019 23:38

'Most people I know in real life, GP. I thought that went without saying!'

Well, no it doesn't go without saying because you were surprised to hear a midwife say otherwise. How is a random midwife on MN supposed to know that most people you, also a random poster on MN, know are not showing by 20 weeks?

IWantMyHatBack · 30/03/2019 23:41

WHY DO YOU CARE?!

chill out fgs.

Also, maybe she just saw you. I can tell women are pregnant way before they're showing. Face, gait, attitude, boobs, etc. It's subtle but I can always tell.

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 23:43

Because midwives deal day in day out with pregnant women so therefore I was surprised she said it's unusual not be showing when most people do 'pop' after 20 weeks. Maybe she is used to seeing other signs such as bloating ect due to spending so much time around expectant mothers? Who knows. Why are you so fascinated that I found that surprising?