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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely fuming at midwife re.breach of confidentiality?!?

418 replies

cheesepleez · 30/03/2019 20:06

We haven’t told anyone we are pregnant. Made a massive effort to keep it hidden until the 20 week scan which hasn’t happened yet. Found out our neighbour who we don’t get on with and who is also pregnant apparently knows we are expecting. As we haven’t told anyone, and I’m not even showing, I can only assume the community midwife has mentioned to this lady “your neighbour is pregnant too”.
To me this is a massive breach of confidentiality and we haven’t even told friends and family yet. It’s my flipping medical info. Am I BU?? Or should I be able to expect my midwife not to discuss other patients??

OP posts:
SpeedyBojangles · 30/03/2019 22:14

Well OP, as you seem absolutely determined it was the midwife and no amount of reasoning or suggestion is going to change your mind, what is the actual point of this thread? What are you actually planning to do? Are you going to complain or report her or what?

All you seem to be doing is arguing point plank that it MUST be the midwife, so now what?

anniehm · 30/03/2019 22:15

Did the midwife visit you at home? (They do in some rural areas especially) she could have seen them leaving

samsamsamsamsamsam · 30/03/2019 22:15

Oh god I guessed a friend was preggs because she was staring into the middle distance rubbing her (flat) tummy.

Sometimes it is easier than you think to tell.

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 22:15

I believe you, I was at my booking in appointment when the midwife said 'oooh I've got another lady with the same name as you' (I knew who it was straightaway, I have an usual name).

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 22:18

Unusual* d'oh!

RainbowFox · 30/03/2019 22:18

I think people would have had a lot more sympathy for the OP if she hadn't come on all guns blazing for the midwife when she has absolutely no proof whatsoever. Even if it's the most likely possibility, there is still zero proof.

Maybe the neighbour and friend were speculating together about OP being pregnant, based on other reasons from over the last couple of months and friend decided to ask outright.

OP what did you say when your friend asked? Surely the most obvious reaction and question to the friend would be why would the neighbour say that?

doingasurvey · 30/03/2019 22:19

You have said that you don’t want to ask your friend to ask how your neighbour knows as that would be “awkward”, yet you are ready to confront the poor midwife based on no evidence whatsoever. I know which of those would be more mortifying for me.

I think you should relax, your posts are coming across as if you are agitated and highly strung, which is the opposite of how you should be right now. Everything will be fine with the pregnancy I hope, and I’m sure this will seem insignificant in the future. You never know, maybe as you are expecting at the same time, you could end up as friends with something in common to bond you. I know you’ve said she’s a nightmare but she can’t be that bad if she’s your friend’s friend

betteristhebutter · 30/03/2019 22:20

Oh for goodness sake.
This is not a real problem. And you've no proof that anything untoward has happened.
Just concentrate on being pregnant.

I can always tell when women are pregnant long before they show.

OutAndAbouter · 30/03/2019 22:21

Yeah, I think your friend suspects and has laid the claim on the neighbour knowing that you don't speak to her.

Feels all Jeremy Kyle all of a sudden 🙄

OutAndAbouter · 30/03/2019 22:23

FWIW I found out one of my NCT friends were pregnant as I saw her name on the screen of previous ultra sounds when I went in for one.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 30/03/2019 22:26

If you live in a rural, hard to find location maybe the midwife called to the neighbours house by mistake?

Maybe the neighbour works somewhere where she saw your details on a list etc. Still shouldn't have blabbed but nothing to do with the midwife.

Or maybe the neighbour just saw you at a scan etc. Seems likely if you came up in conversation about her own pregnancy

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 30/03/2019 22:28

  1. you say the receptionist you don’t know, doesn’t mean they don’t know who you are. I know plenty of people by name and sight yet have never said hi to them.

  2. it is very easy to be get called for an appointment whilst at the GP surgery and someone is walking in at the same time who knows you.

  3. Neighbour May have seen the midwifes car coming up the road and put two and two togther and when telling your friend, didn’t actually know for sure, but was fishing and hoping your friend could say yes or no

  4. why can’t you ask your friend how your neighbour knows? Why is that putting her in an awkward position? I don’t get it....

  5. ‘We are pregnant’ is a common (or very common, depends on how common you are I guess) for some individuals. The rest of us like to stick to the more obvious ‘I’ am pregnant and ‘we are expecting a baby’. Thou shall be sticking to that until the first man gives birth......

But seriously get your facts right, before blazing in and potentially causing havoc to someone’s career.

Schuyler · 30/03/2019 22:42

YABU to try to ruin someone’s career based on this limited evidence.

XXcstatic · 30/03/2019 22:45

Sorry that you have had previous problems and I totally get why you don't want anyone to know, but...

..loads of people have guessed. Sorry, but they have. I often have pretended I didn't realise friends/colleagues are pregnant because, if they don't say, it's obvious they don't want you to know. But I have never, ever been surprised when it's someone I know well and they're more than 12 weeks gone. Your friends are pretending they haven't guessed, but they have.

EleanorOalike · 30/03/2019 22:49

All these people saying OP has to be showing by 20 weeks are driving me up the wall.

I know 3 people who are currently pregnant and due within a month of each other. The most overweight one has had a huge bump and visibly looked pregnant from 10 weeks. Another started showing at 16 weeks. The one I’m closest too has only just started showing now, at 26 weeks. And it’s a tiny bump, i’m bigger when I have IBS symptoms. She’s a size 10 and even now it’s hard to tell she’s pregnant and she’s wearing the same clothes as she did pre-pregnancy. Lots of people, including her midwife and gp have expressed concern that she wasn’t showing and she’s a high risk pregnancy.

I had another friend who never showed and didn’t know she was pregnant until she gave birth in A&E. She actually lost a significant amount of weight in the period that she was pregnant.

Not everyone shows. We should take the OP and her medical teams opinion, that she is not showing, as fact.

OP, I hope it’s good news at the scan and that this pregnancy goes well for you in the light of your previous problems. I understand that it could be really upsetting to have the news that you are pregnant shared before you were ready to tell people, especially when it’s by someone you have trouble with.

I know dozens of doctors and nurses who frequently breach confidentiality. I’ve considered leaving my GP practice due to 3 of the practice nurses who I also know in a non-professional capacity sharing confidential information about me with mutual acquaintances. It could be your midwife but you’d need to have firm proof before you make a complaint.

Aquathest · 30/03/2019 22:59

None of what you said is concrete proof OP.

So yes, YABU.

You mentioned having concerns in your pregnancy - so 'absolutely fuming' and making unfounded accusations is not going to help.

I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy.

XXcstatic · 30/03/2019 23:03

It's not just the bump though, is it? It's everything else: no booze, off coffee, no soft cheese, being careful physically, going to the loo more, being tired, sensitivity to smells etc etc.

BluishMoon · 30/03/2019 23:06

You have no idea how many admin staff will have seen your name on various lists, especially if you're having extra appointments. I've found out so many people I know are pregnant through my job, and it's not even directly related to obstetrics.

Of course I don't go around blabbing that Sarah who works in the coop has booked with midwife, or Jackie from school is on her 5th termination, because of patient confidentiality (and basic respect for privacy!) However, all it would take is for a friend of your neighbour to see your name and address and share that info with her. There is no way you can assume it's the midwife.

sagradafamiliar · 30/03/2019 23:08

So many posters act like this is a court of law and not a chat forum. The OP doesn't have to provide evidence and it's not down to her to prove to a panel that the midwife acted unprofessionally. If there was no wrongdoing= no career ruined.

Most people aren't 'showing' by 20 weeks, I'm surprised a midwife stated otherwise.

I doubt the neighbour has raided OP's fridge with a no-food-in-pregnancy checklist since they aren't even on friendly terms.

MamaRaisingBoys · 30/03/2019 23:10

My midwife told me at my booking appt she had someone with the same name (1st and last) as me booking in that week. I vaguely know this other person through work/fb selling groups/seeing our names come up on the screen at the gp surgery etc.

I would have been pissed off if my midwife told anyone I was pregnant before I did

Sparklingbrook · 30/03/2019 23:10

I actually think this would make compelling viewing if it was featured on Judge Rinder.

00100001 · 30/03/2019 23:11

But what is op going to say in her complaint?

My friend told me my neighbour says I’m pregnant. I think the midwife said something. Invesitgate this please?

TO what end?

Nofunkingworriesmate · 30/03/2019 23:11

Sorry you have had a difficult time and fingers crossed alls well this time and you can enjoy your pregnancy
Maybe a case of displaced anger/ fear/stress?

cranstonmanor · 30/03/2019 23:11

You don't have to be showing to look pregnant though. Something subtle changes the face as well. I accidentally once told a colleague she was pregnant (because certain work had to be given to her male colleague because harmful for pregnancies) and she hadn't even done the test yet! And yes, she was pregnant.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 30/03/2019 23:12

@sagradafamiliar she's making the accusation however she's got no proof. Mud sticks.

What if it was you being dragged in front of a panel if you've done nothing wrong? This kind of thing can damage lives. It can put so much stress on a person. It wouldn't be fair to do that when you've got no proof and there are plenty of other possibilities.